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Echo

Is it possible to be aro and want to date?

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Pretty much what the title says...

I consider myself romance indifferent/positive. I haven't dated anyone before but I'm not completely opposed to the idea either...

So, is it possible to be aromantic but still want to or not be repulsed/turned off by the idea of dating? 

 I look forward to hearing other people's opinions thank you! 

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I'm aromantic and I date. Anything is romantic if you make it romantic. I don't see dating as romantic as such, but I see kissing as romantic.

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Hi :)

There's probably a difference between "dating just for the purpose of a romantic relationship" and "dating because you want to get to know better and better the other person". It can be both, but it can be one or the other as well. 

Don't worry too much about labeling yourself, it would only make you feel almost compelled to try and fit the image of what you consider "romantic/aromantic". Do what feels good, leave out the rest. Of course, you must be clear with the other person about what you want and don't want, but other than that - as many great people have already said in multiple occasions in this forum - try to see these labels as "guidelines" or cases you can compare yourself to... not a role you must fit in the moment you don't feel right with other standardized denominations. They're not law. There's no standard pattern, just, sometimes, some aspects of how you live tend to be aligned and similar :)

So, enjoy dating :)

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19 hours ago, Acciuga said:

I'm aromantic and I date. Anything is romantic if you make it romantic. I don't see dating as romantic as such, but I see kissing as romantic.

I'm much the same. I've considered platonic dating because I don't think dating has to be romantic unless the people involved are being gooey lovey.

 

Also, @BlueCandle, couldn't have put it better myself.

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I think if you don't feel romantic attraction then congrats, you're aro. Even if you date people, even if you get into relationships with romantic people, you're still aro because you still don't feel romantic attraction, that's all.

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You might find this useful.

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I used to like the occasional dating before I realized I was aro.
I would meet a guy at a club and think he was handsome. We'd dance and make out and exchange numbers (often he wanted me to come home with him but I never felt like it). First dates was often a lot of fun. You have this really intense conversations when you're trying to get to know the person and make good impressions at the same time. But it never went anywhere because I was not interested in either sex or a romantic relationship. I just thought it was fun getting to know someone.

 

I probably wouldn't feel confortable dating anyone know without explaining my romantic and sexual orientation first. Because otherwise I would be so concious of the person I'm with possibly expecting some very different thing from the date than I am. But in principle I'd love to go on dates again.

 

Also, there's not really much difference between a romantic date and just to people getting to know each other better platonically. Do you feel like you specifically want a romantic date?

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@Holmbo that is a very good point you made.. to be honest I'm not really sure if I specifically want a romantic date...i guess i'm still figuring all these feelings out^_^ I guess I wouldn't mind just doing what you described, just getting to know the person

thank you so much for commenting (and everyone else as well!!!!!) 

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15 hours ago, Holmbo said:

I probably wouldn't feel confortable dating anyone know without explaining my romantic and sexual orientation first. Because otherwise I would be so concious of the person I'm with possibly expecting some very different thing from the date than I am. But in principle I'd love to go on dates again.

Possibly also finding out their orientations before hand too.

 

15 hours ago, Holmbo said:

Also, there's not really much difference between a romantic date and just to people getting to know each other better platonically. Do you feel like you specifically want a romantic date?

There isn't really a good term for (queer) platonic "date". Certainly not that most people would understand.
Also many aros are interested in romantic coded things (including sexual relationships)...

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8 hours ago, Mark said:

Possibly also finding out their orientations before hand too.

 

There isn't really a good term for (queer) platonic "date". Certainly not that most people would understand.
Also many aros are interested in romantic coded things (including sexual relationships)...


I'm thinking couchsurfing is a good way to kinda "date" platonically. It's a site were people can offer to host people who're visiting their city. Or just to meet up and show them around. I've hosted a few people and it's always been a good time. You go out eating, get to know one another. A few times I think they would have been open to sex had I wanted it. And there's no expectation of any romance because they are just there for a few days at the most.

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15 hours ago, Mark said:

There isn't really a good term for (queer) platonic "date". Certainly not that most people would understand.

Aha! I found the source of my dream last night. Usually something from the day before triggers a dream and this comment triggered a (queer) platonic date in my dream. This might inspire me to come up with ideas to drag her away from her clingy roommate :rofl:

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21 hours ago, Holmbo said:


I'm thinking couchsurfing is a good way to kinda "date" platonically. It's a site were people can offer to host people who're visiting their city. Or just to meet up and show them around. I've hosted a few people and it's always been a good time. You go out eating, get to know one another. A few times I think they would have been open to sex had I wanted it. And there's no expectation of any romance because they are just there for a few days at the most.

I've never encountered this concept before.

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On 2016-10-20 at 5:59 PM, Mark said:

I've never encountered this concept before.

 

I recommend it. You can also arrange different specific activities and meet people that way. Me and a guy met up to make a meal including crickets, because we both wanted to try it.

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Yeah, pretty much. You can still be aromantic, and want to date, despite not feeling any attraction to a gender.

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19 hours ago, iigolden said:

Yeah, pretty much. You can still be aromantic, and want to date, despite not feeling any attraction to a gender.

Attraction does not equate to romantic attraction.
Many other forms of attraction exist, no matter that many societies downplay them and put romantic attraction on a pedestal.

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also, being drawn towards romantic activity is, in fact, feeling attracted towards romance, even if no attraction is felt towards any individual. such a person would likely be greyromantic or cupioromantic. 

 

 

typically speaking I would in fact discourage a person who wants to date, and id's as aromantic, from just assuming nothing's up. especially someone younger than 23. While dating doesn't have to be a romantic activity, wanting to date is in fact a flag for possible romantic feelings. calling a hangout "Date" has implications, inevitably. an aromantic person would typically prefer to avoid calling it a date, just for the sake of clarity.

 

someone who wants to date should at least be aware and open enough that if suddenly they feel strong romantic feelings, it won't hit them as a shock. an aromantic can date, and can enjoy dating, and can want to date, but typically an aromantic person prefers to think of it as friends hanging out, as dating tends to imply an interest in establishing some kind of beyond-friendship relationship.

 

(do note that queerplatonic/companionate relationships are aromantic relationships that are beyond-friendship)

 

 

(and also, to agree with what mark mentioned, for example, an aromantic but sexual person could want to date for nonromantic intentions.)

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Its basically the same topic as aces having sex for whatever reason.

 

Some aro people who date perhaps like the physical affection, perhaps the attention, the sex, the emotional intimacy, etc. An aromantic person is fully capable of performing to the standards of romance (I have done so myself), but perhaps has to remind themselves how to act around their person. I'd consider a cupioromantic person still aro (or greyro), the same way as for example lesbian who does full service sex work and has male clients is still a lesbian.

 

If you are not romance repulsed, it does not distess you in any way, and your partner is cool with you not having romantic feelings for them, then why not?

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yes, agreed. there is just, a difference between deciding dating is a good idea, and having your intuition inevitably draw you towards romance. Not saying that someone who lacks attraction towards individuals could be a romantic person, just that if such an aromantic person is, in actuality, drawn towards specifically romantic dating as opposed to friendship-dating or sees their qpr in a romantic light, it would be more appropriate for them to acknowledge they have romantic feelings, and ID as grey, rather than deny themselves of who they are. I guess that, I'm trying to make grey more popular, hehe, shoot me I'm a rebel. 

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I would consider that cupioromantic, which I see as a type of aromantic.

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Personally I wonder consider that being romance favourable or just curious. Or confused, like I am.

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On 04/11/2016 at 5:13 PM, Cassiopeia said:

Some aro people who date perhaps like the physical affection, perhaps the attention, the sex, the emotional intimacy, etc. An aromantic person is fully capable of performing to the standards of romance (I have done so myself), but perhaps has to remind themselves how to act around their person.

I'd consider a cupioromantic person still aro (or greyro), the same way as for example lesbian who does full service sex work and has male clients is still a lesbian.

Since the definition of cupioromantic is someone who is aromantic and wants a romantic relationship.
I'd make a distinction between them and someone who is seeking to do things which are romance like/coded.
 

On 04/11/2016 at 5:13 PM, Cassiopeia said:

If you are not romance repulsed, it does not distess you in any way, and your partner is cool with you not having romantic feelings for them, then why not?

IME these can very big "ifs" :(

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On 1/9/2017 at 10:40 AM, Mark said:

Since the definition of cupioromantic is someone who is aromantic and wants a romantic relationship.
I'd make a distinction between them and someone who is seeking to do things which are romance like/coded.

 

Well if someone aro dates a person romantically, hopefully they made that choice because they want to do so.

 

Unless they were forced to do so, there is not really another option. Its quite unlikely that someone would maintain a relationship by accident...

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I am gray aromantic (but more aro,though) and I want to date. I personally would like to date to find a QPR, I really don't need any romance involved.

I think it is possible to be aromantic and want (or be open) to date.

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On 10/8/2016 at 3:24 AM, Echo said:

Pretty much what the title says...

I consider myself romance indifferent/positive. I haven't dated anyone before but I'm not completely opposed to the idea either...

So, is it possible to be aromantic but still want to or not be repulsed/turned off by the idea of dating? 

 I look forward to hearing other people's opinions thank you! 

I feel the exact same way. I wouldn't be opposed to having a romantic relationship and I maybe even desire one. I just never feel the romantic attraction.

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