Coming out stories!

[Mark]

17 hours ago, Chloé said:

I am aromantic and asexual, and I haven't come out to anyone yet, BUT I did imply it when my mother and I were talking about a romance movie. I told her I'm probably never gonna have a boyfriend and I really wasn't interested in being in a relationship. She replied with the "Oh, you know, you'll tell me that when you're 20. You just haven't found the one yet." I have done the same thing with my grandfather, and he replied with the same answer, laughing it off.

When you are 20 it's likely to be "... when you are 25 or 30 ..."
When you are 25 it's likely to be "... when you are 30 or 35 ..."
When you are 30 it's likely to be "... when you are 35 or 40 ..."

and so on.
 

17 hours ago, Chloé said:

Now, I'm fourteen (in 8th grade), and I'm considered "too young" to know anything about my sexual or romantic orientation or my gender.

Odds on if you were identifying as heterosexual and heteromantic. All of those same people would be saying how "mature" and "grown up" you were.

 

17 hours ago, Chloé said:

And the fact that everyone laughs off who I am -or who I think I am- really hurts me. I feel so left out in my everyday life since romance is such a huge topic at school, at home, everywhere. My mother even said that if you don't love romantically, you're almost not human.

Which is very hurtful.
It also means that they are devaluing and missing out on the vast amount of human experience which isn't this very specific thing called "romantic love".
 

17 hours ago, Chloé said:

The only problem is, no one seems to accept me, and I feel like I should just repress my feelings and never talk about it again, but that would only hurt me.

It seems rather beyond repression as much as being expected to be someone you are not. Similar to expecting a homosexual person to embrace heterosexuality.
 

17 hours ago, Chloé said:

 It's just, how do I explain to someone who thinks "true love" is 99.99% of being human what aromanticism is? Someone please help me!

How would you deal with a friend (or family member) who was a rabid fangirl about something when you were "meh" about the sport, music, anime, etc?

[Chloé]

On 8/22/2017 at 5:46 PM, NullVector said:

Hi Chloe, welcome to arocaylpse  

 

 

You'll learn more as you get older, of course - but that applies to all of us, however old we get  Too young to know anything is a bit nonsensical to me, like saying you've learned nothing in 14 years! (has somebody actually said this to you?)

 

 

They might be right. Then again, they might not! For example, by way of analogy, I've read things written by people who've said from quite a young age that they didn't ever want kids. Everyone told them they'd change their minds once they got older. Then, at some point, they became adults who'd never had kids. So it's probably possible to have ideas about this sort of thing from a young age (see this thread for some aro-specific examples). Just remain open to both possibilities, I guess (and hopefully your family can do the same).

 

 

Is there anyone more neutral/nonjudgmental that you can talk to, that will give you more space to talk about your feelings? Like a close friend that you trust, for example? If not, you're welcome to continue talking to us here as well, of course.

 

 

Hmm. I can see how a comment like that could be hurtful for you (I hope for your sake that she didn't mean it that way). The human experience is pretty broad. Some humans experience romantic love, some don't. They're both equally human; their humanity just gets expressed in different ways. At least, that's how I look at it. A great scientist or spiritual leader, for example, might not 'love' in a traditional 'romantic' sense, but they can give love back in other ways, like to humanity as a whole (their kind of love can be more general, rather than being directed towards a specific person).

 

 

I think I can relate here and recall feelings like this when I was your age. Although, unlike you, I would never have identified as asexual, I would become very anxious in situations where there was the slightest hint of 'romantic intent! (in my case, whenever I was with a girl I was attracted to, I both wanted something to happen and didn't want it to happen, at the same time - but since I'd never heard of sexual vs. romantic orientations, I was very confused for a long time!) So, even if it doesn't feel like it right now, I think you're lucky to have found some words and concepts to help understand some of these feelings, at a reasonably young age still.

 

 

You can try explaining and communicating your experience of being human to them , but really it's outside of your control whether they listen or try to understand - so don't beat yourself up if/when they don't make much effort to do so! Some people are just a bit closed-minded, unfortunately, or tend to over-generalize their own very specific ideas about what it is that makes people happy. Maybe they'll change their minds when they're older, eh?  Like I said, you can always carry on talking to us on here, if you're short on 'real life' people and you find it helps to have some people to bounce ideas off?

Thank you so much for this! This really helped me. I think I'm short on "real life" people indeed so I'm probably gunna stick around here for some time. 

[Apathetic Echidna]

I emailed one of my oldest friends and came out to her as kinda an afterthought in one of the paragraphs (she is currently overseas). I hear nothing for a week. Then I get a reply: I didn't know those words so I researched, It makes so much sense! The flags are cool. 

 

I am soo giving her a huge hug when I see her at the airport. 

[IceHurricane]

I never really 'came out'. If someone asks me what my orientation is, I'll tell them, and if they don't know what it is (which they normally don't) I'll explain it. But only if they ask, or the subject is brought up. Say, if they were to assume I was something else, I would correct them. I never did the whole "mom, dad, I'm aromantic" thing. Also I guess posting aromantic stuff on Facebook counts. Because I'm asexual as well as aromantic, I always say things like "I don't like anyone, male or female", "I'm not interested in anyone sexually or romantically" and "I don't want to date anyone, I'm happy being alone" when I'm questioned, and that was my way of 'coming out'. In those instances, I never actually said the words aromantic or asexual, but it gets my point across. 

[Aro-tistical]

On 4/3/2016 at 2:39 PM, pengu said:

I was like: "HOOOOW DO YOU KNOW? I HAVEN'T KNOWN FOR 6 FREAKING YEARS!"

I felt the same way when I came out to my best friend 

[Apathetic Echidna]

I have now come out to 3 more people and they seriously went like this:

1st reaction: I'm gonna google that

2nd reaction: lol aromatic

3rd reaction: cool, I'm demi....so is AVEN as drama as it used to be?

 

so sort of a mixed bag, but at least I am not winning at aromantic bingo, so yay!

[James White]

On 3/15/2018 at 1:02 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

2nd reaction: lol aromatic

I'm in Organic chemistry right now, and we're covering aromatic stabilization. I keep jumping when I hear the word.

[E Wildflower]

I think my best coming out story was from when I used to identify as a lesbian. My cousin was visiting for the summer. He was 13 and I didn't know that he knew anything about sexualities or what he thought about that sort of thing. I was in a place of feeling confident in identifying as gay in my own mind, but was terrified of telling anyone. Towards the end of the summer, we were talking while bouncing on a trampoline, and the topic of sexualities came up. He asked me point-blank:

Cousin: What are you?

Me: Um... uh... I'm a lesbian.

Cousin: Really? Cool! I'm bisexual.

And that's how my cousin and I first came out to each other.

[Gingerplume]

I've been very open lately any time it comes up in conversation (and it has done so a lot at work recently, with two people in the office getting married soonish and two other new colleagues here getting to know everyone) that I don't have the emotional energy for a relationship, I like being alone, I don't find most people compelling in that way, I don't like receiving attention and grand gestures, etc etc, and actually... people do seem to accept it without further questioning. I've had a couple of people misinterpret it as me being shy or ~afraid to love~, but they get set straight (heh) as soon as I realize their wires are crossed.

 

My closest friends are all a-spec themselves so they're totally unmoved. My close family is just my widowed gran and divorced mum, so for the most part I think they think I'm saving myself a lot of heartache. Maybe some of my colleagues privately think I'm closeted-gay or tragically broken or just mean, but as long as they don't hassle me about it, who cares?

 

I never formally 'come out' as anything to anyone anymore because honestly, people forget, or they now know on one level but just carry on assuming things because they're too preprogrammed with the hetero script. I rarely use the terms aromantic, because nobody will know what that is, or asexual, because although I find more people know that one these days, it doesn't actually describe me and I'm not interested in giving acquaintances a whole oreintation dictionary about my personal sexual mores. People generally aren't rude enough to outright ask more about that.

 

It's interesting (read: depressing) to me how saying to people "I'm not really interested in that, I'm too busy with other stuff" usually gets a better response than "I'm [x]sexual". People see the latter as a political thing which highlights difference and might threaten them, and the former as just an odd foible.

[Mae_]

I have only 'come out' to 3 people but I only explained it to one of them properly and so the other 2 have no idea what I'm going on about.

 

I really want to come out just to prevent people from getting the wrong idea in future and so they don't say or do things that make me uncomfortable unknowingly... 

 

I guess I already know how I'm going to come out, not with words because I'm terrible with words!

 

I shared an article post about aromantic asexuals onto my facebook for the first time today where A LOT of my family and friends keep up with me... aaand if they haven't put 2 and 2 together from that then it'll be obvious when I'm taking photos at London Pride with it printed as big and bold as possible all over me ahah

[Naegleria fowleri]

Most people in my life are pretty open-minded, so I've come out a lot. First I came out to my Mom, and her response was basically, "Alright, is there anything else you wanted to tell me?" Then I figured the boy I friend-zoned at prom (before I knew I was aro) deserved some sort of explanation. He was pretty understanding, although the labeling seemed to irk him. We're still good friends though. When I handed out pamphlets and chocolate during aro-spec awareness week at my school, I got responses all over the board from, "Wow, I had no idea that was a thing, that's so cool!" to, "That sounds like a psychopath!" (I had to explain to one lady that we are not soulless creatures, that we still love family and friends but just don't fall in love; after that she was more accepting.)

 

And then there was the time I came out to a friend as aroace and she was like, "Hey me too!!!!"

 

Anyway, this thread might help anybody looking for a way to accurately and succinctly come out to others.

 

 

[eatingcroutons]

.

Edited September 1, 2021 by eatingcroutons

[Lokiana]

The first time I came out, I came out to one of my friends who was a gay aroace. I was literally shaking the whole time I was trying to tell them who I was - they're a couple years older than me, and had helped me a lot with identity stuff, but I was still terrified af. Nowadays I've come out several times - to my conservative classmates, to a couple of my teachers, etc. Not to my parents yet. I'm lucky to have a best friend who really, truly gets it, even if she's straight. Point is, it got easier as I went.

[CraSyFantaZi]

I don't know about coming out. I'm totally aro, and don't even think about romance much. And it's not like anyone in my life actually care about my love life! Literally nobody ever asks!! Which I'm kinda thankful for. 

 

I keep offhandedly mentioning things like "I don't fall in love" "I don't ever wanna get married" "Crushes are weird", etc. I think everyone kinda gets it already. Nevertheless, I can't work the sentence "I'm aromantic/I'm aro as fuck" into a conversation. What is wrong with me!? 

[November]

On 9/2/2018 at 8:56 PM, CraSyFantaZi said:

I don't know about coming out. I'm totally aro, and don't even think about romance much. And it's not like anyone in my life actually care about my love life! Literally nobody ever asks!! Which I'm kinda thankful for.

 

My situation is very similar. Since I started identifying as aro ace about half a year ago, only one person cared me about my love life (ok, he just kept assuming that I'd want to have a boyfriend and was worried that we couldn't be friends anymore if I had a boyfriend - so I came out to him because I was really annoyed).

It's so much easier when nobody cares

 

[CraSyFantaZi]

I actually came out to my best friend recently, because similar reasons. 

 

And our friendship has literally not changed at all. 

[November]

@CraSyFantaZi That's great

 

When I came out to my best friend, it was really weird at first, but after some weeks I realized that it made our friendship even better because now we're both comfortable to talk about relationship-related stuff (we kind of avoided this topic before).

 

Nevertheless I think, it's better if a coming out doesn't change a friendship  

[CheeseOverlord]

When I first came out as aro to my friend, she thought I was joking at first, and had to ask for clarification the next day (I have trouble sounding sincere). Once I told her that I was being serious, she didn't seem surprised, and was really supportive
She also probably came out to more people for me than I did, which was kind of weird, but she was really happy for me, and it was easier than me doing it myself, so I didn't mind. She already knew about aromanticism too, so she didn't misrepresent me. I made sure to explain it myself when I came out as grey-ace though, as that's a bit more complicated.

I'm still not out to my parents though. I think that they'll support me, but it just hasn't come up yet.

[Silyun]

I first came out to my mom and she was not happy. She tried to be supportive but I knew she didn't like that.

A few weeks later, I was talking to my friends about relationships and one of them asked me if I was aro. I said yes and we moved on.

[aro_elise]

On 3/16/2018 at 2:18 PM, James White said:

I'm in Organic chemistry right now, and we're covering aromatic stabilization. I keep jumping when I hear the word.

i do that too.  a waitress described a special which contained "aromatic spices" and when she left i said to my parents "i can't hear that word anymore."

[CloudlegtheVolcano]

On 4/11/2016 at 12:58 AM, Me_g said:

3 days later I received a gift in the mail from him, a t shirt with 'NAH' printed in big aro flag stripes. One of my favorite shirts now.

That is amazing, I so want one of those.

[Guest]

So, my mom regulary walk the dog. And i usually go with her. That's when I did my Coming out.

 

Basically, i say : You know, some peoples are gay, lesbian, bi…. Well i am neither ! I am aro! (i was not so sure about my asexuality back then ) 

And then i explain what it mean. (she asked some question, it was nice (too bad anxiety wasted everything later, but it's fine now))

 

I will never forget the burning feeling I felt before my coming out.

 

Also I bet she expected a lesbian coming out  

[CloudlegtheVolcano]

I never planned to come out because of things my friends have said about aromanticism/asexuality, but here we go.

 

My friend mentioned something about my future husband and I told him I wasn’t going to have one. 

“Boyfriend, then.” 

“Won’t have one of those either.”

He suddenly turned and looked at me and asked, “Are you asexual?”

 

I said yes. He laughed and said, “I knew it!”  After a few seconds he added, “So none of us are straight, then.” (Meaning our small friend group).

 

It went a lot better than I expected it to. 

 

I’m sorry to everyone who didn’t have a good experience. I hope one day your family and friends understand and learn to accept you.

[Kalina1528]

Soooo, i kinda came out today (as ace at least) to my mom but ugh it didnt went as expected (not in a real bad sense)

This is a long story. BEWARE BORINGNESS! (the short version starts in the next paragraph).

This week the "you will marry someday", "you may find a cute/handsome boy in university (this in fact was my mom trying to convince me to do sports i dont want to tell the whole story)" talk was more present than usual and i started to get angry, each time my mom said that i was lie "i dont wanna marry anyone" and she kept saying it was going to happen, i told her not everyone wanted to and she said that she knew that "PANSEXUALS or whatever they call themselves dont want to" she reall said that! i had to explain but she didnt cared (not in an unrespectful way). 

SHORT PART:

Then today i was ralking with her about yaoi (its wort if i dont tell her that if i do) and she asked me out of nowhere for my friend´s sexuality and then for mine i said "im asexual" and she was like "youre to young", i lost my interest in explaining more... Ill do it someday, maybe with a pun XD

 

[Holmbo]

I was on a weekend trip with a long term but not very close friend. Basically we've been part of the same friend group for a long time. As we hung out for so many hours we talked a lot about our lives and I learned that she'd never been in love and felt like her looking for a partner was mostly cause she really wants to have children.

 

I told her about me being aro and what it meant. I don't think she knew about the term before so I'm curious if now she'll begin to think about herself as aro too.

 

Sometimes I wonder about all the potentially aro people I might have met. I wish there was a way to bring up my romantic orientation more casually. It always feels too personal. I would like to find more aros and to increase awareness.

11 hours ago, Kalina1528 said:

"PANSEXUALS or whatever they call themselves dont want to" she reall said that! i had to explain but she didnt cared (not in an unrespectful way).

 

Not gonna lie, this made me laugh. I'm sorry she wasn't supportive though.

My mother said maybe I just have asbergers when I told her. ?