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Natkat

Allosexual and Asexual experience

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Hello

 

I am currently writing a chapter about how Allosexual and Asexual aromantic people feel about being aro-ace or arosexual?

I would like some opinions, thought, commens. typical issues? misunderstandings? stereotypes? etc.

 

remember to adress if you are ace, gray or sexual, so I know what point of view you are speaking from.

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I'm aro ace, I've had a person relate my orientations to a lack of experience with the opposite gender. She thought that since I never hung around guys It was no surprise that I never felt anything towards them. Of course I know that it's just ridiculous.

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8 hours ago, timidcat said:

I'm aro ace, I've had a person relate my orientations to a lack of experience with the opposite gender. She thought that since I never hung around guys It was no surprise that I never felt anything towards them. Of course I know that it's just ridiculous.

↑ yes, sadly this happens often, as if I can't know for sure unless I meet 'enough' number of males. 

 

But interestingly I've also experienced the opposite way of thinking from one person (Btw, I'm aro ace and AFAB)

 

A friend of mine who is lesbian tried to bring me to reason that I could be a lesbian-in-denial and that I should try romantic/sexual relationships with female-bodied people before I give up(?). This conversation happened when I first mentioned of me possibly being aro/ace to her about a year ago.

And it actually convinced me to try - because who knows? Afterall, I often found myself aesthetically/sensually attracted to females and/or femininity. 

 

But at the end of the day, the relationships and experiences I had with females made me know for sure that I AM indeed aro/ace -_-

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I think is really complex, as I can't really separate these things so neatly in real life. Sexuality is affected by gender. Your age, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender assigned at birth, mental health, neurodiversity, the society you live in, romantic orientation are all having an affect of what you experience and how. So I don't think there is a uniform experience for all alloaros.

 

In western society, women are expected to like romance in general. Because of my gender, I was conditioned and groomed to prioritize romantic love, romantic relationships, etc. Its so intrusive, so in your face, its almost comical. The other day I went to a major fast fashion store, looking for pyjamas. Out of the ⁓30 available designs about 10 has some sort of print on it along the lines of "love forever", "love my boyfriend", "star crossed lovers", "waiting for true love's kiss" etc.

Most music, movies, literature, magazines, games marketed towards little girls is also heavily filled with romance. Dress up the cutesy anime couple in matching clothes. Wedding themed dolls. Cheesy lovesongs from some Disney princess movie, blasting on max volume everywhere where they need to entertain young girls.

As you slowly become a teenager, it gets more intense. because of the gender stereotypes, boys are expected to court girls. And they do. It may be very aggressive, and the problem is, its considered cute and encouraged even if its technically harassment. Maneuvering everyday life as an aro woman isn't easy, especially that you may never know how they will take rejection.

 

On the other hand, our sexuality "just on its own" isn't encouraged. Sex has been a man's thing for centuries, and although we live in a more open minded society female sexuality is still a taboo.

You are pretty much expected to form a romantic relationship to have sex.

For sexual aros a typical issue would be slutshaming, and being self conscious because of not really fitting the role of a "respectable woman", on top of the usual insecurities. I don't really come out in professional environments as I am aware how my identity makes me look. I think I also try to compensate by down playing the whole sexuality thing...am I repressed? A bit I guess. As a queer woman, I also have to deal with the oversexualization of my identity, the misconception that gay people only want sex. Yes, sex is part of it, but there is more than just sex. And no, I don't mean romance. No, I'm not a typical specimen of the gay female, other lesbians do want romance, please don't jump to conclusions. Yes, I do want sex. No, I'm not experimenting. Yes, I am really gay. No, I do not have commitment issues, I just don't want to commit to a romantic relationship. No I'm not playing with you. No I'm not making this up, its a real thing. No, I'm not a heartless bitch, I actually do feel hurt by all of this.

 

And then there is the fear of the other person becoming infatuated with you. I have learned to keep a distance, but its very isolating. If I try to build connections with fellow queer people, its easily misread as wanting to date them. Being friends with straight people is nice, but I also need people who can relate to a different experience.

With sex, separating emotions is extremely tricky. Finding another aro of a similar age who would also have the same sexual orientation as I and having mutual attraction is very very unlikely. For allo aces, explaining their orientation on the third date is an option, but for us, that just does not work. Romantic people can't really do sexual friendships. I do care about my partner, but how do I show it without being misunderstood? Will I ever get to be more than just a plaything? If its a regular thing, will they develop feelings? The more partners, the harder it is to track possible stds. Would rather I risk my emotional or my physical health? Should I carry gloves and lube and dams and who know what else to wherever I go, in my non-existent pocket or in one of those tiny bags? Also, trusting a random stranger with your body isn't easy emotionally. What personality test should I run to check if they respect consent? Will she get pushy? No idea, really. And if we do it, where should we? And then the "oh so you have a secret girlfriend" conversation with people.

Its just a hassle and very exhausting emotionally. I don't always like my identity. 

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I'm a Greysexual Aro.

 

My sex drive is pretty minor in comparison and it's rare for me to feel anything but initial attraction towards anyone (usually girls or androgynous people). Even if that happens though, it'll usually fade away if I know the other person is a) able to find me romantically attractive (hypothetical) or b) does not feel any sexually attraction towards me. This kinda narrows it down to other aro allos, which is just to slim a chance... specially considering, we'd still have to really like each other. Just because we'd both be aro's doesn't mean we'd immediately get along just fine. 

 

I also feel that sex and love are very inseparable. I know it's not true, but no matter how hard I try to "re-educate" myself on that, there's still a huge part of me that thinks of both of them as interchangeable. And I sure know that most of the western world thinks the same. At least on the outside, because they are advocating it everywhere. As my aromanticism informs my everything and I am honestly repulsed by people, who fall in love with me, Sex is off putting to say the least.

I have decided against casual one night stands or fuck buddies. Mainly because I do not like the thought of strangers touching me and I do need an emotional bond (and no, not a romantic one) with the person I sleep with to feel anything. But I can't really just hook up with friends either. For one, because I am not sexually attracted to most of them, for another because they are monogamous and have partners, but most importantly because they might come to fall in love with me and I might destroy a perfectly fine friendship. Just thinking about the risks I might have to take and the conversations I might have to have is off putting enough for me to repress what little sexual attraction I feel for good.

 

I tend to be wary of people, who are hypothetically able to fall in love with me anyway. Not because I wouldn't like to be friends with them, but because I was hurt in the past and I don't want to start feeling this unique kind of self-hate ever again, that comes with the inability to return a precious friends feelings and hurting them in the process, just by generally existing.

 

Because of the way I am, people who know me usually come to three conclusions:

1) You must be asexual since you are not having sex with anyone! (and as an asexual I am prude/don't know any better/am a wallflower - you know the drill)

2) You are a lesbian but you don't want to admit it (should I hook you up? I know a great gay disco!)

3) If you're not asexual but won't have sex with me, you're just a tease. Stop playing "hard to get"...

 

And because this is the way my grey is usually met, I have started to be as tight lipped about my sexual orientation as I can be and decided to just "correct" them, if they guess wrong to my face. I don't actually know, why my sexuality sometimes becomes a guessing game, but it's annoying and invasive. It's not like I wanted to be this confused. If I could pick, I sure as fuck would have picked something that doesn't need half an hour of explaining. I really hate this confusing and messy part of me sometimes. I'm kinda fine with being aro, since it's a strong thing and pretty straight forward. I can deal with that. But my gray sexuality manages to confuse the shit out of me. And if I don't always get it/am so easily wavered, then how can I ever hope to make others understand? I wouldn't even know were to begin...

(Even though, when it comes down to it, I guess, in my case, I am simply speaking a sexual aromantic who is just pretty darn repressed....)

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On 19 July 2016 at 0:22 AM, timidcat said:

I'm aro ace, I've had a person relate my orientations to a lack of experience with the opposite gender. She thought that since I never hung around guys It was no surprise that I never felt anything towards them. Of course I know that it's just ridiculous.

 

I've had the opposite problem. People don't see how I can be aroace if I've had romantic/sexual experiences. I explained that this was when I thought I was straight, and that I was trying to figure out what all the fuss was about and that I was never actually attracted to those guys. But I don't think people get how relationships with people you're not attracted to can even happen. The answer? Heteronormativity.

 

Basically you can't win. If you haven't had experience (or not "enough", whatever that means) you can't be aro/ace, and if you have had experience you can't be aro/ace

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On 19/07/2016 at 10:17 AM, Cassiopeia said:

Finding another aro of a similar age who would also have the same sexual orientation as I and having mutual attraction is very very unlikely.

For me age has never really been important (possibly because I have zero interest in "nesting behaviour") compatibility, in terms of world view, is far more important to me.
How does one even meet other aros?

 

On 19/07/2016 at 10:17 AM, Cassiopeia said:

Romantic people can't really do sexual friendships.

Even those who get the concept will often use terms like "just" to indicate that they consider these as less important than romantic relationships.
There's even the practical issue that even if you can find an allo-romantic who'll consider a sexual friendship with you they can suddenly dump you for a romantic partner. (Then everyone around you can be "Why are you so upset? Not like it was serious...")
 

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I find it very difficult being who I am. Often feel it would be easier were I also asexual (and touch repulsed).
Whereas i like lots of affection, touching (both sensual and sexual) and in an ideal would could probably be quite hedonistic.

 

Certainly dosn't help that I am typically assumed to be a straight cis-gendered man. Thus expected to take on the role of romantic persuer/wooer,
In practice the only way I could do "dating" would be in something far more like the "female" role, with minimal romantic slush.

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14 hours ago, Mark said:

For me age has never really been important (possibly because I have zero interest in "nesting behaviour") compatibility, in terms of world view, is far more important to me.
How does one even meet other aros?

 

Compatibility has to do with age. Does not matter what kind of relationship, if the age gap between/among the people is too big, it will result an inequality. Even if the older person doesn't take advantage of the situation in any way, the power dynamics will be lopsided. (I'm not saying that more of a mentor/student type of friendship is bad, but in this case, it can very very easily be harmful)

 

Of course as they get older, the margin will be a bit further away, but its still there.

Like 1-3 years is a massive age gap when one is a teenager. Later on, when you are 20-30 something, 5-10 years difference may not be as noticeable.

But age is a factor. It does influence your worldview, the way you spend your free time, the things you prioritize in your life, the things that interest you, etc. That stuff matters.

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On 20/08/2016 at 1:05 AM, Cassiopeia said:

 

Compatibility has to do with age. Does not matter what kind of relationship, if the age gap between/among the people is too big, it will result an inequality. Even if the older person doesn't take advantage of the situation in any way, the power dynamics will be lopsided. (I'm not saying that more of a mentor/student type of friendship is bad, but in this case, it can very very easily be harmful)

 

Of course as they get older, the margin will be a bit further away, but its still there.

Like 1-3 years is a massive age gap when one is a teenager. Later on, when you are 20-30 something, 5-10 years difference may not be as noticeable.

But age is a factor. It does influence your worldview, the way you spend your free time, the things you prioritize in your life, the things that interest you, etc. That stuff matters.

 

Yes and no. I agree with this if it's mental age you're referring to.

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53 minutes ago, Rising Sun said:

 

Yes and no. I agree with this if it's mental age you're referring to.

Well the term "mental age" just made me throw up in my mouth a bit (it has some very ableist history), but I was referring to maturity not just in a physical but in emotional, intellectual and other aspects of a person.

 

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Oh, I didn't know, sorry :( I'm just trying to express how old people really are inside. Somebody can be physically older but be actually much more immature than their partner in their mind. Lack of maturity makes people much more incompatible than they'd think at first.

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35 minutes ago, Rising Sun said:

Oh, I didn't know, sorry :( I'm just trying to express how old people really are inside. Somebody can be physically older but be actually much more immature than their partner in their mind. Lack of maturity makes people much more incompatible than they'd think at first.

That is quite true, and it's also important to note that the intellectual maturity isn't the only important thing as people do grow emotionally, spiritually, etc. Someone who is very childish when it comes to feelings still can be a genius and be known as someone very intelligent... and no, I'm not talking about neurodivergence, for example the typical case of manchild is not an autistic person, just someone who needs to grow the f*ck up.

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