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Have you ever been in a relationship?

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I've been close to be in relationships many times... but as soon as they would get physically closer or too attached to me, I would feel pain in my chest (that I first thought was "stomach butterflies of love") along with a powerful urge to run away as fast as possible (which made the "stomach butterflies of love" thing a bit invalid).

 

Anyway, because of that, I have been very rude to some of them and I still feel bad when I think about it. At least, discovering aromantism relieved me from most of my culpability, but I wish my teenage self could have been a bit more temperate about it.

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The first person i've ever had a relationship with broke up with me yesterday because I was aro and he couldn't handle it.

 

It had its good points, especially all the kissing/holding hands/stuff because I'm a very sensual person, but thinking that he was in love with me and ESPECIALLY thinking that he thought I was in love with him made me so anxious. I liked being with him every few days when we were with friends, but once we were alone I'd start to feel kind of uncomfortable after a few hours and wish for nothing but going home. I debated for a long while over whether I should tell him I'm aro or not, and then yesterday I just thought "enough". I needed to make things clear and I hoped he would understand and we would just set new boundaries and everything would be fine.

And yeah, even if he did react with "oh but can't your aromanticism change over-time?" (which is even worse to hear when you know he's ace), he was pretty accepting of it and said there was nothing wrong with me.

 

But then he just says "I can't be with someone who doesn't love me the way I love them". And that's how it ends, with me now feeling really bad since yesterday not really because of the breakup in itself, but because I got reminded that being aro is regarded as an anomaly and I'll never be able to return the love that anyone will give me.

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I'm in a relationship , been in it for almost a year now (bout 3 months off of 1 year mark).

 

Had lots of issues with me being an Aro. Regardless, I find if you appreciate someone and don't buy into labels too much ,do it up. 

 

Though I'm probably in a small percentage of that outlook.

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@AlexisS it's okay, in the end I'm better off alone than with someone who can't date aro people ^^

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[deleted]

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I had 2 almost relationships in short succession, that made me google for an explanation (and made me realize that I was aro).

The first one was a guy I was definitely not in love with. I didn't even try to convince myself of that, I just wasn't. I found him aesthetically attractive, though and he asked me out in a way that implied, that he might just want a non-commitment sexual relationship. I wasn't to sure about that though, I remember that I did ask him what his intentions were, but he never gave me a clear answer. Anyway, a very monogamous friend talked me out of it, because she thought it sounded fishy and I was more than willing to internalize all the excuses she gave me. He tried to convince me otherwise multiple times, which is when I found out, that I'm physically repulsed by romantic closeness.... It took almost a year before I came out to him. After that, we were friends again. Before that, he'd avoid me. I saw he was hurt, I knew me and my confusion were part of the cause and I couldn't do anything about it...

 

The second one was a dear friend of 3-4 years... After I didn't get into a relationship with the first guy, I started to wonder why I just can't be "normal" and have a relationship already. This guy has been in love with me for some years now. I've already rejected him once and he was very cool about it. I knew his feelings were genuine and I liked him a lot. Surely I must want a relationship with him! He's the only one I know who'd fit! If I can't even love him, who else am I supposed, too? I dropped some hints and he started giving me all kinds of romantic gestures... I thought "this is it, I just have to say it.", but I just couldn't... I rejected him, when he asked... 

He's in a great relationship now. As far as I can tell, he's happy and I never came out to him.

 

I remember crying a lot during these times (which I wasn't used to at all), I remember isolating myself. Both were part of my circle of friends and meeting them was awkward. I feared, that I'd be excluded entirely from the whole circle. I didn't want to lose that place. That place of friends was my all. I didn't intend to hurt them. I knew I did and I knew I couldn't do anything about it, since I didn't know what was "wrong with me" back then. I was blaming myself a lot and that's how I found out I was aromantic. 

I'm friends again with both of them so everything kind off turned out fine, but I can't say I'm glad for the experience. I wish I found out sooner. Then I wouldn't have dragged both of them into my confusion. I wish I dated back when the stakes weren't that high. I wish I was told about romantic attraction in sex ed. I wished for a lot of things |D" 

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On 4/3/2016 at 3:09 PM, hippiesthop said:

Somewhat unusual, but I am open to a romantic or sexual relationship, as long as my partner understands that I will never love them romantically. I'm not at all repulsed by romance, and the idea of being committed to staying with each other sounds very nice, especially with the idea that all my friends are going to get married and leave me.

 

I'm more like this in that I enjoy the companionship aspect, but as soon as they start acting all mushy and whatnot, I once again start to secretly hate being in a relationship. What I really want is a bunch of cool sidekicks who enjoy having sex with me (or are clear about not wanting it) and also anyone else they may find attractive. 

 

(... Am I an alien? Probably.)

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I was enjoying my previous relationship before we officially started dating and were just kind of hanging out and getting to know each other. Que the romance and suddenly it was "holy crap get me out of here now."

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13 hours ago, Hey you in the corner said:

I was enjoying my previous relationship before we officially started dating and were just kind of hanging out and getting to know each other. Que the romance and suddenly it was "holy crap get me out of here now."

 

What's really fucked up is that this is the sort of behavior that lifestyle magazines and dating advice columns universally condemn as "insecure," "immature," etc., because they simply do not fathom that some people are still just figuring things out.

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4 hours ago, comedyofaros said:

 

What's really fucked up is that this is the sort of behavior that lifestyle magazines and dating advice columns universally condemn as "insecure," "immature," etc., because they simply do not fathom that some people are still just figuring things out.

 

It can definitely add to the confusion. Because of what everyone else is telling us, we believe that we can't possibly feel the way we do. Surely we just haven't met the right person yet, or there is something wrong with us We aren't allowed to be happy single...

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I was in three relationships. two of them I had romantic feelings for.... that is, after we broke up. whoops! my last ex I regret breaking things off, but there's no way we can get back together and that makes me sad sometimes. but while we were together. they were just a friend to me, and that was so confusing. 

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Unfortunately. They were awkward, nauseating, confusing times for me, and I wish I had avoided them altogether. I felt very pressured to do what everyone else was doing though, so after awhile that's what happened.

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7 hours ago, Saber_Wing said:

Unfortunately. They were awkward, nauseating, confusing times for me, and I wish I had avoided them altogether. I felt very pressured to do what everyone else was doing though, so after awhile that's what happened.

Couldn't agree more

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I'm 40 and have never been in a "romantic" relationship nor a sexual one.  I'm aro ace and have absolutely never had any interest in pursuing any of that.

I have felt mind-boggling, overpowering aesthetic attraction to maybe like 5 people (half not even real, but fictional) in my whole life but that is definitely not the same thing, I fully realize they probably wouldn't want anything to do with me and vioce versa, and I definitely don't want to do anything else but look.

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I haven't really had any. I had a 1-day "romantic relationship", but it never went anywhere, as you can imagine.

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I've never been in a serious romantic relationship, and now I've realised that I don't even want one. The only thing that bothers me about that is the fact that I'm allosexual and I don't know how I'm going to get to have sex for the first time if I'm not in a relationship.

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14 minutes ago, Josie said:

The only thing that bothers me about that is the fact that I'm allosexual and I don't know how I'm going to get to have sex for the first time if I'm not in a relationship.

I feel for you there - i don't really understand why A must happen before B. Friends who just happen to be in a sexual but non-romantic relationship can raise a kid just as well as romantic partners. Imagine if this idiocy was abolished - so many more happy people in the world! If two aro people want a kid, then why not? The world won't end if the parents don't sign the Ferengi Marriage Contract. There's no need for the stigma at all. None. Never.

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2 hours ago, Pufflehugs04 said:

I feel for you there - i don't really understand why A must happen before B. Friends who just happen to be in a sexual but non-romantic relationship can raise a kid just as well as romantic partners. Imagine if this idiocy was abolished - so many more happy people in the world! If two aro people want a kid, then why not? The world won't end if the parents don't sign the Ferengi Marriage Contract. There's no need for the stigma at all. None. Never.

I don't want a child at all but it's so annoying to me that you're expected to be in a romantic relationship before having sex with someone. I want my first time to be with someone who cares about me but I don't know how that is supposed to happen. 

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I have been in one relationship  before that lasted about two months before I realized I was gray aro and he couldn't cope with it that I didn't have the same feelings as him, we haven't talked ever since.

Right now I am kinda starting a relationship with a close friend of mine who knows I'm gray aro.

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I've been in several, and I only really enjoyed the first one (maybe cos it was long distance and we were immature 17 year olds, more like passionate best friends. We only met once, but then I broke it off because I realised we couldn't have a future together. I do feel it wouldn't have lasted if we'd been able to date in person, though).

Since then, it's been slowly going downhill xD my last relationship (the one that made me try and find out why I felt so awful being in relationships) was quite nice at first, at least when I wasn't going out of my mind with confusion and anxiety, but in the end I just ended up feeling really numb and trapped. I don't talk to him any more, but I do still think of him and wish we could have had a real relationship, rather than something so one sided.

 

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I'm aro ace, 32, and have only had one romantic relationship. It lasted for about 2 1/2 years. I didn't seek it out, and I kind of feel like I was suckered into it. I met him when I was eating at a cafeteria in college with about 5 other girls I was friends with and were from the same dorm floor. Also, had similar interests, and they got me into anime. Anyways, he suddenly appeared while we were talking about anime. He kept staring at me and talking only towards me. My friends were iffy about him.

 

Eventually we became close, and I thought we were good friends. About a month later, he said if I don't tell him I love him within a week, I'll never see him again. It kind of shocked me. Thinking I didn't want to lose a good friend, I said it. 

 

At the very beginning, it was incredibly suffocating and he wanted to monopolize my time. He didn't want me spending time with my friends, and friends grew distant anyway. I eventually got used to it, and felt like I had to pretend. I liked some of it at times, but never initiated it. Never got over the bruising kisses and bone-crushing 'romantic' hugs. He'd also carry me sometimes, which was scary to me. 

 

I grew very emotionally close to him, and then on Valentine's Day (supposedly one of the most romantic days of the year), he dumped me over the phone across the state. It hurt badly, but not romantically. Just emotionally/platonically. 

 

I've had many guys try to date me, but I was so oblivious, I didn't realize I was on dates. I've tried to date because my parents kept urging me to. That just felt incredibly awkward, a waste of time, they were interested in doing things I wasn't, and the guys seemed creepy to me.

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Only been in 2 serious relationships, and 2 almost-relationships. All long distance in one way or another, which didn't make anything less confusing! Waiting until after youve paid several hundred dollars for a plane ticket to realize you don't like a lot of physical affection is wild

 

For all of them I think I was really more into being someones "favorite person" regardless of how I felt about them. I really liked being adored and Ive only dated people who felt more strongly for me than I them. (I broke up w the first guy when i started feeling he had gotten bored of me, or stopped paying attention to me so much) And if they weren't really all that into me then things usually never went much farther than the "crush" stage. I also used to confused very strong friendship for romance, so when I thought I had a crush on someone really I just wanted to be closer to them as friends usually.

 

I always bought into that "never know till you try it!" rhetoric everyone used to say but I guess after experiencing those relationships I can finally say I don't want a romantic relationship.

 

 

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My aunt just got married. Now she feels the need to shove me into a relationship so I can be as happy as she is. Ugh. Why do people think that just because they're happy in a relationship that that means they have to play matchmaker for everyone else? 

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