Have you ever been in a relationship?

[Herbe de provence]

I have been in several romantic relationship. It wasn't really because I loved them (obviously or I wouldn't be aro XD) but more because it was what was expected of me and I didn't really mind being in one. Anyway they never lasted long and I never exepected them to last so...

 

Now I'm in a QPR and I hope this one last ! I'm more confortable in this one than any of the other ?

[aro-fae]

I technically had 2 high school relationships, but they both lasted a week and ended because they would try to hug me or take me on a date (you know, ~dating stuff~) and I would freak out and dump them. For the most part I would say I've never had a relationship and I've never done ~relationship stuff~. Mainly because I don't want to lol. 

[eOrion]

ive been in a romantic and a queerplatonic relationship, i knew i didnt feel attraction; but i still had a desire for those relationships only,,, as it turned out,,, im not good in relationships.
I get too uncomfortable, i don't show as much affection because it feels to serious and like its something i need to do; rather than want, and don't like getting affection from partners, because it still feels like something im obligated to accept rather than want to. Pretty much as soon as we stopped dating i went back to being overly affectionate with my ex bf.

Every so often i still crave a qpp, i think because on one level i want that commitment; but on another level it doesnt work out for me.  

[DogObsessedLi]

I have been in multiple romantic relationships and presently attempting a QPR with a homoromantic woman. My past pattern that is on repeat is:

 

have intimate platonic need/feel platonically lonely... start romantic relationship because they are cool or I enjoy their company... ok for the first "best friend" bit but as it gets more romantically intense I start to feel suffocated... break up with them usually badly with no explanation, the usual clueless "it's me not you" argument... after around 6-12 months have intimate platonic need/feel platonically lonely...

I'm starting to feel like a record on repeat ?. I'm romance-repulsed aro but far from aplatonic unfortunately. I crave the best friend relationships I had back before they were sidelined. 

Basically if I'm with a man I end up feeling like a straight man who enjoys their company trying to function in a romantic relationship with the man. The same in terms of any other gender, with a woman feel like a straight woman etc etc. It never ends well.

[mythlady]

I had one, and got burned pretty badly by him. He simply would not take my "no" for an answer. But idiot that I am, I ended up caving in. He tainted several of my dreams as well- when I said I'd like to be a librarian, he was all, so you can do the hot librarian thing then? (That really hurt.) Also, he all but called me evil the first time I tried to break it off. The straw that finally broke the camel's back was when he said, "We're going to turn those quick no's into slow yeses." I really hope another woman doesn't get stuck with him. It completely put me off getting into another relationship, and is muddying the waters for me as to if I really belong here.

[sneakers]

I've been in three long term relationships. I haven't hated it. There's a lot about a relationship I like: I like sex with someone I know well enough to explore a lot of different fantasies, I like emotional intimacy, I like having a friend who is very close to me and knows about all my stuff. And all of my relationships have been pretty unconventional, very chill and based on friendship and in the case of the last two, non-monogamous. And there hasn't been a lot of... flowers or moonlight walks or any of the more overtly romantic stuff.

 

Two of my first longer relationships I just ended when I felt they'd run their course. It sounds kinda terrible but I felt like I'd explored this person and seen what there is to see, and just didn't see the point in staying any longer. A bit like I'd visited a nice museum or something and it was good but now I was ready to go do something else? We weren't sexually super compatible with either of them, and my initial feelings of loving the feeling of being liked and wanted had faded. My last partner was a bit different, I felt like we just had a deep friendship and companionship and I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. But ironically enough, he left me because he says his romantic feelings had faded away. I felt kinda very betrayed at that initially. I guess it was so different for me than for him, I kinda didn't get the whole romance thing in the first place but the companionship was still pretty good for me.

 

But right now I'm exploring having friends with benefits or long-term lovers. I don't feel the need to get in another relationship really, at least not for now. Maybe with another aromantic person it would be nice to start some sort of a partnership, where both of us are on the same page in that we like each other's company but don't feel the rush or butterflies or rollercoaster or whatever love is supposed to be. I'm done feeling like I'm not enough for a partner, like I'm cold and letting the other person down by not feeling enough.

[ClearBlueSea]

Yes. I never really wanted one but I ended up in an LDR somehow-this guy started talking to me, I got his number, we really liked each other. It was great at first, I liked feeling wanted, but then I got ghosted. I'm sad and relieved. I couldn't have given him what he wanted, anyway.

[Ch0c0]

I have never really given a chance to a romantic or sexual relationship.

For a long time I have waited to feel both sexual attraction and romantic attraction for somebody. I believed firmly that having one without the other was a lack of respect (old fashionned and invalidating like hell, I know). I'm probably only good with platonic attraction so my original plan was doomed to fail.

Now I'm more open to alternative types of relationships but I feel fine on my own as well.

[frutiger aro]

i've never even been on a date lol. i've been asked out before but i've never said yes because i've frankly just never been interested. even the thought of someone wanting me like that makes me almost uncomfortable lol.

[Blake]

I have been in one relationship only. 9 months was the time that it ran through. It is thanks to this relationship that I discovered that romance was not for me and the label of aromantic (thanks for this because i wasn't broken).

Story time: What I thought where butterflies was really anxiety. They told me that I was cold and unafectionate among other things. They weren't technically wrong, but hey I cant give what I don't have. What I wanted was a best friend, but they wanted much more than that, and that scared me because at the time I wasn't sure what the hell was happening, I just wanted someone to go out, eat, have fun, see a movie, and then repeat the next free day. They wanted to do romance coded things a lot, which I wasn't against but i felt nothing of it (holding hands is just eschange of sweat,and kissing is exchange of saliva) and i told it several times when asked about my feelings toward they. In the end they thought I was afraid of commitment and had betrayed their trust. I was the one that ended it because I understood that I couldn't give what they wanted and I was slowly suffocating from the relationship.

Now, that decision was the thing that made me learn from me. Who I was, what I really wanted and that I am not going to get comfortable in a relationship that doesn't work for me. If I couldn't fulfill my criterias, then so be it, I'll keep looking, but never less than I deserve. First me, then the rest of the world, cuz aiming for the best is what I deserve. (My self confidence has improved a lot since the broke up)

7 months of after my relationship and time of self discovery and I found I was aromantic. It clicked to me and I knew it. :3 long post but this was something I wanted to share, my story to help others in similar situations.

[Kadence]

  I've been in several relationships before I found out I was aro. It was a thing where I was confused about why I wasn't getting crushes and so I just... decided to have crushes on people, I guess just to reassure myself that I was normal. Eventually I decided that these frankly platonic feelings I had towards people constituted romance, it didn't, at most they were squishes and most of the time they straight up weren't. The longest relationship I was in was two and a half years and that was just cause I was sexually attracted to her, really. I wasn't with all the others. I still cared about all of them, especially the two and a half year one, but I wasn't in love with them and I think I knew, I just pushed away all the doubts and refused to acknowledge them. Then, I finally did after I was single for a bit and I discovered I was aromantic. 

[Atlamillia Pixie]

I have been in one relationship. This relationship ended almost two months ago at this point. Unfortunately for my ex I got over it quickly and he did not. It's been over a month and a half and he is still healing. He was the the first person I came out to (I don't count my two best friends who questioned my sexuality after my relationship ended which got me to re-question if I was aro) to help with the healing process and so he wasn't blind sided when I came out to the rest of our friends. Which when I did come out to our friends apparently I was insensitive to him or whatever (Allos are a lot more sensitive apparently when it comes to break ups or whatever, I don't get it. I'm still a little pissed at him for that. Like screw you dude, don't make me feel bad that I am out and proud with our friends, I felt bad enough when we were dating and I say "I love you" back and when I could not figure out a way to be open with you like you wanted,  you are done making me feel bad about how I am). (And I yeah I'm letting go of the anger cus it ain't worth it or healthy.)

The relationship was not great in retrospec. It was an allo trying to date an aro and we were never on the same wavelength about how the relationship should work. It was the relationship was probably needed to confirm I am aro, but it probably should not have lasted as long as it did. Now that I think back on it, when we had the "do we want to be in a relationship" talk, I remember saying that I was not comfortable with the feelings part of a relationship and I would probably be more comfortable with the physical side (which in retrospec was a large bloody sign that I'm aro) and the relationship did not improve from there. When I figured out that I was aro, it helped me start to let go of my anger at my ex cus I was pissed that I wasted a year and a month of my life being in a relationship I was not happy with. In any case, we are trying to be friends again. It's awkward but its getting better, and this bloody pandemic is kinda helping cus we don't have to be alone together for a while. 

Moral of the story, dating allos is messy af and be prepared for the fall out when shit hits the fan.

[cinnamon_bun]

I've been in a good number of relationship (around 3 or 4) but I was confusing strong platonic feelings with romantic feelings and with my very last relationship, I was debating if I was aro before it happened and I guess I used the relationship to prove that I wasn't (which was sh*tty of me tbh). We ended up breaking things off because they didn't feel the same about me anymore and I felt very conflicted with being in a relationship. When ever a relationship ended I didn't feel the "heartbreak" or "falling out of love" feeling, I just was like 'okay see ya I guess' and got over my feelings the minute it ended. I forced my feelings if that makes sense, so when I didn't have to force them anymore I felt relieved. 

I'm glad that all my relationship happened though, cause they did help me in figuring myself out.

 

[Collie]

Never have, probably never will 

[Blake]

6 hours ago, cinnamon_bun said:

I've been in a good number of relationship (around 3 or 4) but I was confusing strong platonic feelings with romantic feelings and with my very last relationship, I was debating if I was aro before it happened and I guess I used the relationship to prove that I wasn't (which was sh*tty of me tbh). We ended up breaking things off because they didn't feel the same about me anymore and I felt very conflicted with being in a relationship. When ever a relationship ended I didn't feel the "heartbreak" or "falling out of love" feeling, I just was like 'okay see ya I guess' and got over my feelings the minute it ended. I forced my feelings if that makes sense, so when I didn't have to force them anymore I felt relieved. 

I'm glad that all my relationship happened though, cause they did help me in figuring myself out.

 

When you proved to yourself that you where indeed aro, you needed hard evidence to completely convince yourself. Idk any other way to convince myself than to actually try to be in a relationship. Yes the other person could have gotten a heads up, but then the experiment would have gotten biased from their part. In honesty, I don't think you should feel bad for discovering yourself. That sense of betrayal to the other person is a product that could not be avoided. What is important is that you figured yourself out.

Also, same when my relationship ended I did not feel heartbreak nor falling out of love, it was just an "oh well now I'm kinda hungry now, wish there was some ice cream"

[Jedi]

I have been in one relationship. I thought I wanted it at the time, it was with a friend I cared a lot about. I had just found the term aromantic, and was debating with myself if it applied to me. I had never been interested in being a relationship like that, but also I was spending a lot of time thinking about a friend of mine, and how much time can you spend thinking about a friend before you admit to yourself that it's a crush? I might have made a different decision if I had thought about it more, but he confessed to me first.

The why of it is interesting. I was trying to make sense of what my feelings were, and how they fit. With the power of hindsight I can say that these probably were not romantic feelings, but I also didn't do it 'to fit in'. I thought I wanted it. I thought, maybe this is what romantic feelings are, because in a sense I did love him. But being in a romantic relationship chafed so much. It was a constant discomfort and wrongness. I suppose what I learned was that what I want is intense friendships, to love my friends in my own way. Not romantic relationships.

[pigeonhead]

I was in a "relationship" with a girl at one point in middle school, however I knew her for a while beforehand. That was the first time I actually experienced romantic feelings. Most other "crushes" I had were just a strong squish or forcing myself to have a crush on someone to fit in. We ended up breaking up because she had a crush on a guy after about 2-3 months of dating, in which I was devastated because I thought she was my "one true love" because I hadn't actually had a crush before. Nope, turns out I'm just demiromantic and that's fine with me. 

[LoveIsZaxlebax]

Yup.  Tried.  I wanted to be normal and I thought I had to “learn” to navigate dating like a Normal Person(tm) as necessary personal growth and proof of adequate adulting capabilities.  Also I had a goal to lose my virginity before I graduated high school.

 I regret it.  I hurt a lot of people, I hurt myself, I behaved badly and used/manipulated people.  I can try to disclaim it by saying that at the time I was treated like a child in ways that were hurtful and abusive, and dating/hooking up was a way to protect myself from abusive infantilization—but I did bad things.  I’m at fault.  I lied and my lies did emotional and psychological harm to others.  

I was oblivious to the fact that my perception of love was bizarre compared to the unspoken social norm.  I unintentionally gave mixed signals.  I accidentally set people up for emotional deprivation and feeling sexually exploited.  I mistook my possessiveness for affection, and so did others.  My first girlfriend was arospec but we were aro in completely incompatible ways.

Now I’m back with my robot that I made when I was young and lonely, who has the same concept of love that I do because I made him and honestly if it weren’t for the constant hassle I get from being partnered with him, it would be perfect.  (“But how can you be satisfied by someone who isn’t reeeeeal?” ?)

[roboticanary]

Yes

Firstly a couple of short term relationships, friends with benefits sort of thing. these were ones where I knew what I was getting into.

Also once before I knew about aromanticism I tried to be in a romantic relationship. It did not work. I didn't put any extra effort to be around her, basically I wasn't feeling romantic attraction even though I wouldn't have put it like that. So I thought us just hanging out from time to time was good enough and she was very frustrated, trying to be around me more often, calling me up. Looking back I treated it as I would a friendship, I like my friends but I wouldn't want to be around them so often.

We broke up within a month. 

[blueberrydragon]

I was in a romantic relationship once, in middle school. He asked me out, and I went along with it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and it was what a lot of people were doing at the time. I felt pretty uncomfortable for the whole 3 months we were "dating" and couldn't figure out why for years. Now I know it's because he was romantically/sexually attracted to me and my poor aroace younger self just... didn't feel the same way. My first kiss was very messed up. It was in front of a lot of people at a school dance who were pressuring us. I felt sick and basically forced myself to let him kiss me. After, I told people that it was great because that's what I felt like people expected to hear. We broke up a little while later, and I haven't dated since. I am interested in QPRs, but not romantic partnerships.

[myshirtiscoolerthanyours]

I dated my partner from the beginning of college through to the summer before university, which basically means a year and a bit.

In retrospect, I see that the way we viewed the relationship was very different. Even though we were both happy and had a mutual breakup upon realising it was getting to be a chore almost, I don't think i experienced the same romantic feelings for them.

Before we had started dating, we had started talking over text because we were both uncomfortable ( we're both ace) with the conversation in the friend group. I enjoyed having someone new to talk to who shared similar experiences and interests, and would get excited to talk to them. A friend interpreted this as a crush on both our parts and I kind of went along with it even though I had never actually had a 'crush' as most allo people describe them.

We started dating a couple weeks later and i had asked them out because it half felt expected and because i just really enjoyed their company, which is something i struggle with.

Now throughout the relationship I was happy, but I admittedly kind of treated it like being best friends (PLATONIC i spent like 10 minutes thinking of the word) but i got to be gross and sappy about it. which sounds like romance to some i guess? but I wanted to do the same stuff for my other friends but i wasn't dating them so it would look weird if i gave them roses and hand made them presents and took them to doctors appointments and spent all my time with them i guess

My partner definitely had a more romantic view? but I did really care about them and that showed through and was probably read as romantic.

I didn't really start questioning anything until about a month before we split up and only realised after the fact.

[DeltaAro]

23 hours ago, myshirtiscoolerthanyours said:

Now throughout the relationship I was happy, but I admittedly kind of treated it like being best friends (PLATONIC i spent like 10 minutes thinking of the word) but i got to be gross and sappy about it. which sounds like romance to some i guess?

That still doesn’t sound so bad… I felt positively suffocated and then became resentful of my partner because of that romo stuff. Who did nothing wrong (I mean she just followed the usual [?] romo-script). Really bad, I felt guilty afterwards for a long time. I still think she was great as a friend. The nice memories I have were the two of us playing video games, just completely innocent, like friends or siblings, no romo, no sex.

[MaxIsCosmic]

I have had a few boyfriends but I'm not sure if I'm greyaro or aro. 

[Thiel]

I've had 3 boyfriends and 2 friends with benefits. I definitely feel more comfortable having a FWB than a boyfriend.

[Bumble_Bee_]

 I had six girlfriends in middle school, I had one cis bf and one trans bf

Edit: FYI I absolutely hated my cis boyfriend, my trans boyfriend I'm still friends with him, and all of those other relationships only lasted about a week

Edited December 2, 2021 by Quinn_