Have you ever been in a relationship?

[Blackthorn]

Have been in one relationship years ago.  When I was going through a 'trying to be normal' phase.  It didn't work out.  I felt so suffocated and trapped, was so relieved when it ended.  I didn't know aro/aceness was a thing then.  I thought, well I might be a freak, but at least I'll be a happy freak and not a sad normal person.

[Eklinaar]

I've been in a number of romantic relationships, some of them awful, a few of them very satisfying and meaningful.  I think maybe I used to feel romantic attraction when I was very young, though it could have just been lust and I didn't know the difference at the time.  But I crave deep emotional and physical intimacy, so for a long time I continued to seek romantic relationships because most people consider it inappropriate to engage in that kind of intimacy unless it's in the context of a romantic relationship, even though romance really confused me.  Now, I don't know any more.  I still crave intimacy but I'm afraid to seek it.  I'm afraid of being hurt or hurting my partner because we don't understand each other's feelings, or of them getting hostile and invalidating my identity, which has happened a few times.  I'd still like an intimate relationship, but I guess the ideal would be with another aro who wants similar things, or an allo who makes the time and effort to understand our differences and is okay with it.

[SamwiseLovesLife]

On 04/08/2017 at 5:37 PM, Blackthorn said:

at least I'll be a happy freak and not a sad normal person.

I'm planning to shout this from the rooftops

 

On 05/08/2017 at 1:34 AM, Eklinaar said:

But I crave deep emotional and physical intimacy, so for a long time I continued to seek romantic relationships because most people consider it inappropriate to engage in that kind of intimacy unless it's in the context of a romantic relationship, even though romance really confused me.  Now, I don't know any more.  I still crave intimacy but I'm afraid to seek it.  I'm afraid of being hurt or hurting my partner because we don't understand each other's feelings, or of them getting hostile and invalidating my identity, which has happened a few times.  I'd still like an intimate relationship, but I guess the ideal would be with another aro who wants similar things, or an allo who makes the time and effort to understand our differences and is okay with it

Ahhhhh I totally relate to this (more than I'd like to). I have always strayed the line of over-intimacy with friends because that's just how I feeeeeel </3 (not because I ever have romance on my mind).

Maybe we need some Arocalypse meet-ups so we can find like minded intimacy friends..

[Eklinaar]

6 hours ago, SamwiseLovesLife said:

Ahhhhh I totally relate to this (more than I'd like to). I have always strayed the line of over-intimacy with friends because that's just how I feeeeeel </3 (not because I ever have romance on my mind).

Maybe we need some Arocalypse meet-ups so we can find like minded intimacy friends..

 

Yeah, I often feel like people don't take my desires for intimacy seriously, or just dismiss my experience as "having problems with boundaries".  I understand where that's coming from, since tons of cishet dudes don't respect people's boundaries, but I've been told by my last few partners that I'm very respectful of boundaries.  Most of my friends have entered long-term monogamous relationships and will barely be affectionate with me any more, and new people I meet always assume romantic intent.

 

A meetup sounds like a great idea.  I'd just need to save up enough money to travel and work on my social anxiety.

[SamwiseLovesLife]

On 07/08/2017 at 7:58 PM, Eklinaar said:

Most of my friends have entered long-term monogamous relationships and will barely be affectionate with me any more, and new people I meet always assume romantic intent.

 

A meetup sounds like a great idea.  I'd just need to save up enough money to travel and work on my social anxiety.

God tell me about it. Luckily I have a few good friends (in long-term relationships) with whom I can cuddle and flirt; their partners don't mind as they see I am equally affectionate with all my friends (while respecting bounderies) and being the partner's friend too certainly helps. Plus, as I'm trans they know I'm not going to have sexual urges towards the person as that's not currently something I can enjoy partaking in. With strangers it's okay because by the time i'm being physically affectionate (around the time I figure they're okay with it) they will know either that i'm trans or aro (perks of being way to open and over-sharing). Plus being quite small and also friendly to EVERYONE seems to get across that I'm not threatening, just an equal-oppertunity cuddler

 

YES FOR ARO MEETUPS. London anyone?

[ApeironStella]

As in romantic relationship.... kind of? Thing is, all three times we counted as "dating" but they were all a bit of weird cases. (All three were online cases as well, felt the need to add.)

 

First one was one of the guys I talked with about Pokemon on fb, he was being all sad and needy and I was just being supportive towards him. Then later on he asked if we could date and I was just like "Eh what? Uh... I never dated anyone and I am curious actually, why not? Sounds fun." and we just spent about a week or two talking a lot and I just went all talking about a wedding etc (what? Pokemon themed cosplay wedding with a Latios and Latias cake would be really nice okay? I was just letting my zany imagination go nuts with all the themes we could pull with other fictional series too, it was more like he was just a "stand in" for me to imagine it, it wasn't a 'I want him' but more of 'Oh I gotta have someone with me at that spectacular party right') and then when he said he wanted to 'break up', I was just chill? I was just "Oh okay, sounds good." and funny thing is my bestfriend got really angry and upset in my place and what he said to her made her sad and THEN I was angry at him because no one hurts my BFF.

 

Second one was a girl I used to rp with and we used to make our characters fall in love and all, and since I usually get far too emotionally invested in rps (Ie I can't play and at the time even was worse at playing a "bad character" because I would feel a compulsive need to apologize and stop doing all the horrible stuff even if it is fictional, I also was depressed for three days after a rp about two brothers with another bestie to the point of barely having any appetite while I actually eat a lot usually.) so I thought my positive feelings about her might be a crush. After we started 'dating', it was still fairly same though, since I would make 'we are wife and husband' jokes with my close friends all the times. Now it was just more 'official' of a joke. There wasn't any messy break up but I then found out she wasn't exactly mentally stable and that there were a lot of things I didn't know which ended up with talking less. (I barely knew anything about her real life and I never really even felt the need to ask about it and I think this should tell just how much I was removed from actual crush compenent of whole dating thing.)

 

Third one is a bit different since she was a rper too but I actually was annoyed at her at-the-time-snobbish-looking-actions and started talking with her more as a challenge. Then found out that we were pretty similar and quickly became closer. And thing is, I get really excited when someone wants to talk about topics I care about. REALLY excited. And since we had so much in common in the way of thinking and things we liked, it was an instant "I want to hug your brain so tight and cry you are precious and I would kill anyone who ever dares to touch you ahhhhhhhhhhh idk what to do with those big emotions and I don't even know what they are but I just feel like b u r s t i n g"-ish and I actually ended up asking her how crushes worked. (before I had even an idea of what the word aromantic meant) She tried to explain it three different ways but I couldn't see how it differed from what I felt for her and any person I get really attached to (though maybe I should correct this since often times, I don't even know their real names and I am attached to the topic we talk about, their ideas thoughts and words than an actual living person with their own history?) and asked her if it would be okay to try dating. We tried but more and more I found it all awkward and fake more I continued- While as a friend I wanted to make origami flowers for her printing out music sheets because she was a musician and I knew that she would really like that kind of gift, as a 'lover' all I did was asking her to play Antichamber together and keep acting mostly same but feeling like I should've acted differently. Again, some unrelated things happened and as second case we never officially 'break up' but it kinda faded away as well.

 

First one was more to "see what the all talk about this dating things was" with some "fitting in" thrown in, second one was "I really want to try dating someone and I really like you and you really like me so wanna try?", third one had that of second one too but also more of "I am fascinated by the person you are" thrown in too. But it just? Faded away as well, we would work a lot better as friends. So I guess I am not really grey or demi (I thought I was pan-demi for a long time because I mistakened those squishes as crushes as well as didn't understand what crushes were at all so my whole stance on romance was "If I have a close friend who I really like and find their thoughts similar to mine in key topics in life, I wouldn't mind marrying them and having fun with them and talking with them from life's mysteries to a video game lore because why would I marry someone who wouldn't match my mental wavelength wtf no also why would gender matter, I care about brains not outlooks". Again, not surprised that I didn't even see how 'being attracted to specific gender-s-" is an actual thing and not just being close minded.) 

 

I am 18 and all three happened when I was younger so for me, it kind of is not a question that I likely don't feel those crush stuff especially with those three cases? Basically, how I even viewed dating came from a lot more of playful way, as well as with some genuine platonic love thrown into the mix, but it never just 'developed into' romance even if I did try giving it a shot?

[Eklinaar]

21 hours ago, SamwiseLovesLife said:

God tell me about it. Luckily I have a few good friends (in long-term relationships) with whom I can cuddle and flirt; their partners don't mind as they see I am equally affectionate with all my friends (while respecting bounderies) and being the partner's friend too certainly helps. Plus, as I'm trans they know I'm not going to have sexual urges towards the person as that's not currently something I can enjoy partaking in. With strangers it's okay because by the time i'm being physically affectionate (around the time I figure they're okay with it) they will know either that i'm trans or aro (perks of being way to open and over-sharing). Plus being quite small and also friendly to EVERYONE seems to get across that I'm not threatening, just an equal-oppertunity cuddler

 

Yeah, I have the opposite problem.  I think a lot of people feel threatened by me because they usually read me as a cishet male, and I understand why they feel that way.  My friends who used to cuddle with me are all very monogamous, and the culture here is very against platonic touch.  It's pretty frustrating.  I'm glad you have friends who understand your feelings in this regard.

[SamwiseLovesLife]

1 hour ago, Eklinaar said:

I think a lot of people feel threatened by me because they usually read me as a cishet male, and I understand why they feel that way.

Proof prejudice goes all ways *sigh* It's a frustrating world

 

1 hour ago, Eklinaar said:

My friends who used to cuddle with me are all very monogamous, and the culture here is very against platonic touch.  It's pretty frustrating.  I'm glad you have friends who understand your feelings in this regard.

Ah that's a shame, maybe you need more Ace/Aro friends? I've met many at Aven meets

[Eklinaar]

52 minutes ago, SamwiseLovesLife said:

Ah that's a shame, maybe you need more Ace/Aro friends? I've met many at Aven meets

 

I don't know any ace/aro people where I live, and I'm not active on AVEN.  I didn't find nearly as much that I personally could relate to on those boards as I do here.  Making ace/aro friends is pretty much why I'm here.

[Momo]

11 minutes ago, Eklinaar said:

I didn't find nearly as much that I personally could relate to on those boards as I do here.  Making ace/aro friends is pretty much why I'm here.

I relate to this a lot. I identify much more strongly as aro than as ace. And the few ace communities I stumbled on while trying to find an aro one to join were... Less than acceptable in their behaviour to aros. 

[Eklinaar]

10 minutes ago, Momo said:

I relate to this a lot. I identify much more strongly as aro than as ace. And the few ace communities I stumbled on while trying to find an aro one to join were... Less than acceptable in their behaviour to aros. 

 

I've spent a good bit of time in a variety of LGBTQ communities both online and IRL and this community has shown some of the greatest intersectional awareness I've encountered so far.  I'm seriously impressed.  It seems like a good place to make friends.

[SamwiseLovesLife]

@Momo @Eklinaar UK meet anyone? I can travel out of country but that could take a while

[Momo]

It'd take a while for me to get to the UK, but I'd love to come, I want to go travelling around Europe some day which is just next door.

[Eklinaar]

10 minutes ago, SamwiseLovesLife said:

@Momo @Eklinaar UK meet anyone? I can travel out of country but that could take a while

 

I'm in the US and broke, myself.  It's a shame we're on three different continents.  But I'd love to meet up with some aros once I can afford it.

[SamwiseLovesLife]

1 minute ago, Eklinaar said:

 

I'm in the US and broke, myself.  It's a shame we're on three different continents.  But I'd love to meet up with some aros once I can afford it.

That's cool, I'll be visiting the US within the next few years. My last continent is in a month so after that I'll be re-visiting places FUTURE US ARO MEET

[Karous]

I'm currently in a poly-relationship with 3 other people, I'm gray-aro so I feel it on occasion. These are the only people I've felt romantic attraction to in my entire life actually. I met my first partner at 16, and my other two at 18. Relationship is still going strong with all of them with me being 21 now.

[IamKale]

I just got out of a year long relationship. The whole time I was wondering why I was none affectionate, and just didn't really like it. After my boyfriend and I broke up I realized I was Aro ace. And it just made so much sense.

 

Also on the relationship part, we became friends really fast and kinda rushed into the relationship really. Also it seemed more like we were close friends being forced to date the whole time. My ex told me that he just wanted a girlfriend at the time so year. It's nice knowing your almost 13 month relationship was based on a whim and peer pressure. On him. Not me. 

 

So yeah, that's my little story. Also hi I'm new here and to the Aro ace community.

[pastelprincess]

I have never been in a relationship. I wasn't ever interested in dating. No one ever asked me out either. It doesn't matter to me though. I am aromantic ace .

[Apathetic Echidna]

I have never been in anything serious enough with the expectation of continuation to change my relationship status on Facebook. The closest thing I have had to a 'relationship' was more of a summer fling, we both knew it had a best before date when we went into it. I have accidentally been on dates, but when they get romantic I let them down quickly. 

[Rina]

Nope I Never was. But a few years ago when I still was in school I thought about finding a Partner, because all my  Friends and acquaintances talked about  nothing else and looked Really happy, but I am glad I Never tried.

[briesplease]

I've recently gone from identifying as arospec to grayrom, and have been in varying types of relationships. I've been in one purposeful romantic relationship which I think was a squish which was pressured to romance. I wasn't successful or happy in that relationship because I genuinely enjoyed his company but I always felt inadequate because he needed a romantic aspect I couldn't give him. 

 

I have been in long term sexual relationships that I couldn't distinguish from romance until I found that feeling and relationships can be platonic, sensual, sexual, romantic, etc and intersect but don't need to. I started finding that the energy I bring into and have with my partner in sexual relationships is very different than the energy  between those I share strong platonic or sensual platonic relationships with. My sexual life is very compartmentalized from other aspects of my life. 

 

I had a very intimate platonic relationship with a male friend of mine a few years back we spent a lot of time together, we held hands and were very comfortable with physical contact (we never kissed or anything). He was my best friend. It confused some people but like it was fine. I came out to him as aro, and he didn't take it very well. He called me selfish. We're no longer friends. He broke my heart. 

 

My closer female relationships haven't been constrained by the expectation of sex or romance with varying degrees of platonic--> sensual platonic type relationships. 

[Guest]

.

[ladyasym]

I have had three 'romantic-type' relationships (and one longish-term FWB type relationship that was schrodinger-romantic). I never dated throughout high school because I never felt particularly romantically inclined towards anyone (or had my lust-crushes/interest reciprocated). My first ex I met online, and developed a good friendship with - we chatted for months before we ever met up in person. I thought he was an interesting person, and looking back on it, most of my interest in dating him was sexual (as I was a virgin with zero experience but a high sex drive). Most of his interest in me was fetish-y (gross details in the spoiler for those interested) and I was relieved when it ended after I found a summer job (far away). Parts of it were fun, and a good learning experience, but not gonna lie - that relationship kinda messed me up. 

Spoiler

He had a lactation fetish and was several years older than me - I was 18. It was weird and distinctly uncomfortable, but due to self-esteem issues that he kind of played on, it turned into a gross mind-game/value thing. I thought I was 'in love' but wanted out desperately and wasn't sure how to go about it, so it went on for much longer than it should have.

My second ex. HA. It lasted for a month and a half, and honestly - after our first date, I didn't feel the slightest bit interested and was put-off by him in general. BUT. I dated him anyway, even though it was weird and I was not into it. Because I had a bunch of self-esteem/worth issues from my first relationship, and the attention made me feel somewhat okay + he had a car and would drive me places. Not proud of this. It was one of the lowest points of my life. It ended after he called the cops on me to try and force me into a mental institution when I didn't answer my phone for a few hours (I had a migraine...), called my mother to 'get a better understanding' of my mental health history, and when I freaked out about this, told me to 'call him when I got off my crazy tree'. Stupidly overdramatic, and I was very happy when it ended, but still had a lot of anger/resentment. 

 

My third ex (and most recent of my romantic-type relationships) was pretty successful, and we were together almost three years. It ended a few months ago (very long story, and there were a lot of painful, unrrelated-to-aro reasons). I think the only reason we lasted so long, was because we became very close friends before we got sexually/romantically involved, and the relationship was primarily platonic throughout. We remain good friends, and are on good terms. I actually came out as aro to him tonight, which went over really well - it put a lot of things in context for both of us. Even though I experienced platonic love with him, looking back, I don't think my feelings were ever romantic, and I just confused my strong platonic feelings for romantic love because there was sex involved (and I got close with his family and friends), and after the dumpster fires of my previous relationships, our closeness seemed 'romantic'. But I was uncomfortable throughout with being referred to as his partner, and receiving romantic gestures, and always felt like I was never 'enough' or couldn't 'give' him what he needed. It was great except for the romantic parts, ahaha. 

 

I guess this is the end of my 'experimental romantic' phase? Or at least, the last of my attempts to have a romantic-type relationship, lol. I don't regret any of it, but I'm happy to be moving forward with my aro-identity. 

[Apathetic Echidna]

@ladyasym it is horror stories like yours and my own experience with creepers that has made me never even want to try a substantial partner relationship

[lostspaceace]

ive been in 2 relation ships one when i was in 5th-6th grade and another this year in 10th grade but it was only for a day because i think i was confused about my fellings so i would not even consider it a dating this was befoere i found out what aromantic was and i considered myself that i was biromantic i also have been asexual since 8th grade so almost 3 years and havbe considered myself aromantic for about 2-3 months because of this its led me to have strong friend ships with my friends i met in 6th grade and i cherish them dearly because of this