Have you ever been in a relationship?

[Dusty]

I've been in two and even though they made me anguished I'm still glad I dated them. Because those relationships helped me to figure out what's my romantic orientation. So first I dated a girl who asked me out since she had a crush on me. Back then I thought I had a crush on her too (we were friends first for couple of months) but was worried when I just didn't miss her when I went for a trip right after we started dating. Nor did I feel comfortable kissing her or holding hands or hugging all the time or texting good nights with kissing emojis... She was my friends, though, maybe even one of the bests I've ever had so I just held it in and thought I'd start loving her soon. I didn't, obvisously.

 

Then there's this second time and I'm not even sure if it actually even was an actual relationship. We never said we're dating but sure acted like it. I started dating him after I started to figure out I might be aromantic. I just wanted to find out for sure so I went out to eat with him, kissed him, did all those cute things like holding hands and so on... but during that relationship I finally knew that I'm definitely aromantic. So yeah, no more romantic relationships for me. Maybe a QPR if I meet someone cool. Who knows. This is good for now. 

[breaddd]

18 hours ago, deltaX said:

I was in a romantic relationship for about a month in my sophomore year of college.  I had a small squish on this guy (although I didn't know what it was called at the time), and he developed a crush on me.  We he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes- partly because I though that my squish was a crush (or that if it wasn't a crush stronger "crush" feelings would develop in the relationship), partly because it was expected of me to have been in a relationship by that point.

 

Once the relationship started I discovered that I can be incredibly romance-repulsed; even the things that were fun to do with this guy as friends felt gross and uncomfortable once it was done in the context of a relationship.  Sometimes it would get so bad that I'd have panic attacks before dates with this guy, even if the date was something completely un-romantic in nature.  I was able to tolerate it (barely) for about a month, until finally I broke up with him.  I felt awful about it because I didn't understand why I couldn't love him the way he loved me, and thought I was just being a bitch for breaking up so soon.

 

At the end of the day though, I guess I'm glad it happened, because it was the confusion from that relationship that made me start to question things, and made me curious enough to start researching asexuality and romantic orientations when I saw a mention of them.

This sounds like me! I had a girlfriend, and I really liked her (turned out to be platonic), but I would always tense up and once we actually went on a date. I remember that once before a dance I had a pretty long anxiety attack. (That was pretty much our only date.)

 

That was romance repulsion?

[Whistle]

I've been in three relationships. First one was during an early entrance to college program (I spent my junior and senior year of high school on a college campus, with other kiddos in the same boat). At the Academy, how it generally happened, since we had all this freedom and lived and went to school together, we'd see people start dating in that... well, two people would start hanging out and getting closer and closer until everybody knew the two were dating, and the couple in question would eventually catch on and admit it. I found myself in one such relationship, my first year at the Acad. A guy liked me, I was astounded and overly pleased that someone actually liked me wow (I'd had a rough middle school / high school time before the academy, lol), and I liked cuddling with him and hanging out. It definitely made me uncomfortable when he'd text me heart emotes at night, though (I'd always text back "what are you less than threeing about"), and I eventually broke it off (I remember thinking once, actually, "I could love this boy if I wanted to, but... I don't really want to." so I didn't). 
 

Second relationship wasn't long after, when a guyfriend from high school (who, mind you, dated his way around our whole friends circle just about) and I were talking a lot over facebook chat (he was a jerk, but a charming jerk, and it was refreshing to be able to have blunt conversations because I wasn't worried about hurting his feelings- because he was a jerk xD). He was interested in a relationship, I kinda went with it (but never felt okay accepting the relationship request on facebook, so it was never 'facebook official'). We hung out once over break, I kissed him once, I avoided him the rest of winter break until I was safe back at the academy and broke up with him over facebook chat because it just... didn't feel right to me. I still talk to him now and then, but am very grateful that he's since moved on (a couple times, via a couple other girls in my friend circle).

Come to think of it, second year at the Academy, I almost wound up in one of those gradually-start-dating relationships with another close guyfriend of mine. He was cute, I loved hanging out with him, he was a great friend, hung with the friends group a lot, and I had a crush on him for a while, I thought- except I don't think most people generally reflect on their crushes, think "nah, it wouldn't work because x" and then stop crushing and go completely back to normal. 

 

The summer after graduation, another guy from the academy started talking to me more via facebook chat. We had interacted some at the academy, wound up loosely in the same friend group on occasion, had brief interactions, we waved and smiled when we passed eachother (once pulled an all-nighter talking on facebook chat and then walked across campus to get breakfast together), but we weren't really close in my mind at all. Not at the time, anyways. We wound up chatting with each other online a LOT, him looking for excuses to keep conversations going, dropping hints via suspiciously romantic pages on webcomics we were both reading, me being excited and flattered by the whole thing, someone who shared interests with me and was comfier to talk to and- liked me?  and once again, I rolled with it. Pretty happily this time. We talked online a lot, he visited now and then, we'd cuddle and watch movies or go for walks or play video games near each other. We were close, we were dating, we communicated very well, we assumed we'd get married- and we did. (Though I definitely rushed the wedding some because family was stressing me out and I wanted out of the house) And it's been comfy and convenient, I like the companionship, the financial stability, the general support, and I love him of course. There was some stress on us for a while before we figured out I was asexual, but understanding that made a HUGE difference in how happy we were- and so did, more recently, learning I'm aromantic. Now I know that ! he has feelings that exist! and he understands that while I have trouble remembering to return that affection and remind him of it, I do love him, just minus all the fairy dust.  So... aro ace, happily married somehow, in a relationship that wound up working out pretty well for both of us. He's sappy about me, I love him and think he's convenient to keep around. All good, ha.

 

 

[Cassiopeia]

On 2016. 04. 05. at 10:05 PM, Dusty said:

So first I dated a girl who asked me out since she had a crush on me. Back then I thought I had a crush on her too (we were friends first for couple of months) but was worried when I just didn't miss her when I went for a trip right after we started dating. Nor did I feel comfortable kissing her or holding hands or hugging all the time or texting good nights with kissing emojis... She was my friends, though, maybe even one of the bests I've ever had so I just held it in and thought I'd start loving her soon. I didn't, obvisously.

 

I feel like you just described me and my ex. I had something very very similar, with a slight difference. Welll, for one, I'm not ace. And also the scenario was different, as we had her ex in the picture, them being best friends and flatmates. Looking back, I guess he still loved her.

I don't know.

I can be so oblivious when it comes to romantic feelings.

I tend to interpret everything as a platonic gesture cos that is my only frame of reference.

 

So, she was so paranoid that I'd get jealous, but strangely, he did not bother me at all. I was glad she had somebody she trusted, and that she had a good friend. It was so natural, I wasn't even sure if I was the third wheel or him, as far as I was concerned it was a perfectly functional tricycle, though I wasn't dating him or having anything physical with him.

 

But absurdly, I felt guilty that I did not feel possessive or territorial at all. I mean according to my allo friend, I was supposed to hate him or something to prove that I loved my girlfriend. Wut?

 

Uhm, it was a surreal experience. Funny thing, after years, I miss them both.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

 

3 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

But absurdly, I felt guilty that I did not feel possessive or territorial at all. I mean according to my allo friend, I was supposed to hate him or something to prove that I loved my girlfriend. Wut?

 

When I broke up with my girlfriend she immediately got in a rebound relationship with her ex that she dated before me. I think she was trying to make me feel jealous or something. I didn't feel anything but relief that she wasn't my responsibility anymore.

[coffeejester]

I was in a relationship 5 times actually, but all fell out because I didn't love any of them.

I would be really excited jumping into the relationship, maybe because to me it was the same as someone considering me their best friend. But, the problem was that usually, a month into any of the relationships, was when they would start professing their full on romantic love. The problem was that I just couldn't match their love intensity. In the end I only saw them all as really good friends. Of course no one understood how I felt, and each one of them would say I was friendzoning them. I mean, I guess I did but not intentionally, I really wished I could love someone back the way all of my past partners did but I just really can't.

[Lynx]

I once found out that a girl I thought was sweet and fascinating had a crush on me, so it seemed the natural thing to pair up. It was actually a very chilled, comfortable relationship, and I was happy and very fond of her. Eventually we broke up when she felt /something/ was wrong, and I mourned not being as close to her as before, but she's in a relationship now that suits her better and I'm very happy solo, so it all worked out. There was always a part of me that was confused that I, the fiercely independent one, had got into a serious romantic relationship, even if said relationship was barely distinguishable from an affectionate friendship most of the time.

 

I guess I could have another similar relationship, but I think QPRs are a better description of what I want in a partnership.

[Lume]

I have been in a relationship once, for more than two years. He asked me out (I have been asked out quite often, and always said "yes", because I fail to get that "having a coffee" means "having a date"), and I felt very, very close to him emotionally soon. I wanted him in my life, but not as a romantic (and sexual) partner. I tried to convince him into a primary/very close friendship (the term QPR was not known to me then), but he refused insisting on a romantic relationship and supposing that I was just scared of committment. We had dramatic struggles about that issue, but being so close, I finally gave in to a relationship and fell into a depression almost immediately. I was depressed for more or less the whole time of the relationship, and we argued a lot. It was aconstant up and down, while I enjoyed being with him very much, I felt extremely insecure and wrong when acting as his "girlfriend" in public. I often pushed him away and mourned for my single status (I used to say, "I am a single by conviction,I am just making an exception for you", which was right). We wore each other out, and despite my desperate trials to make it work, we finally broke up (he wasn't that perfect, either). Of course, we said we'd remain friends, but it wasn't the same. In fact, I didn't want him in my life anylonger. In retrospect, I think we'd better stayed friends in the first place, it may have been a one-of-a-kind friendship. On the other hand, I don't see much of a future for us, since he was rather conservative, wanting a family, or at least move together, which was and is a no-go for me. It's sad somehow, and I'm still confused about it. 

[Avian]

When I was younger I attempted to date a few times for various reasons - e.g. "I like my friend, therefore I must be romantically interested, right?" and "my friend professed romantic feelings for me, I should at least try and see what happens." Worst of all was guilt-dating, in which a friend went out of their way to help me/etc and I ended up feeling obligated to be interested in them in return. It was like I was trying to coerce myself into having feelings, and it was awful. I was also afraid of losing my friends or causing drama if I rejected them.

 

None of these "relationship attempts" actually made it to what I would consider an official relationship (describing the other person as your gf/bf/so, wanting to integrate the person into your life [step 2>3 of the relationship escalator]). The other person would invariably start flooding me with expectations - upset that I didn't want to spend more time with them, upset that I didn't reciprocate their romantic gestures, upset that I didn't prioritize them above my other friends. I assume "romantic attraction" is what drives people to want and enjoy doing those things, but to me it only ever seemed like chores that the other person had no right to demand of me. I felt trapped and repulsed. I was always the one to end it. This was all before I started reading into aromanticism, and the relationship attempts lasted anywhere from 3 days ~ 6 months (depending on how clingy/needy the other person was.)

[46odnetnin]

I guess, sort of? (warning just in case: some mentionings of sex, but nothing specific)

 

Ok so In year 8 or 9 (looking back its kinda obvious) I had absolutely no idea that this semi-popular girl liked me, I'd get hugs and occasionally hang out with her but I got bored of her company real easily and just wanted to hang out with my friends, I'm pretty sure her and her friends kept trying to make it work but everything just soard over my head. Hugs were neat though!

 

I've recently had 2 online relationships, not romantic on my side but regrettably the other developed feelings.

The first just randomly happened after a night of getting drunk as hell and going on omeagle. I ended up talking to a fair few interesting people but eventually somehow ended up flirting with some random. Turned out they were a girl, and very aroused at the time, so I thought "lol why not" and we typed out some cyber sex stuff and exchanged emails. This turned into a strange, text and pictures only depression-and-anxiety-support/sexual relief relationship thing. They got feelings and after about 2 weeks I hated it, but they were suicidal, so I couldn't just leave them. Eventually I just decided to never reply, I hope they're doing ok.

 

2nd one was becoming close friends with someone through skype and guess what. They also have no friends and severe depression. So. Against my better judgement I try to help them out I made it clear I was ace and aro (they were bi). At some point it turned into the same thing as last time, just this time with skype's video. That crashed and burned too. This time because they couldn't stand me not being able to love them back. We both decided it would be better off if we weren't friends or whatever it was anymore and have gone our seperate ways, I hope she's also doing better, depression sucks man :c

[piplup]

i talked to my ex for the first time ever last week & he was talking about our relationship & started saying things like wow i rly miss us! u made me so happy! like.. calm down boy it was only a month  & he started talking about his sexual life & made a comment that made me rly uncomfortable

 

i told him that im aroace & he said is that a thing that tumblr made up? & i was like ....ok :'/ then i told him that our relationship was an experiment & i hope that made him feel like shit lol

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

On 4/12/2016 at 10:43 PM, Avian said:

The other person would invariably start flooding me with expectations - upset that I didn't want to spend more time with them, upset that I didn't reciprocate their romantic gestures, upset that I didn't prioritize them above my other friends. I assume "romantic attraction" is what drives people to want and enjoy doing those things, but to me it only ever seemed like chores that the other person had no right to demand of me. I felt trapped and repulsed. I was always the one to end it. This was all before I started reading into aromanticism, and the relationship attempts lasted anywhere from 3 days ~ 6 months (depending on how clingy/needy the other person was.)

 

That was a perfect way to explain how stifling it felt to be in a relationship. I would give you a star if I could, but I don't even have that power.

[Mark]

Attempted to try monogamy, even though it wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted.

Was just completely weird.

[omitef]

On 4/16/2016 at 9:37 AM, Mark said:

Attempted to try monogamy, even though it wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted.

Was just completely weird.

 

What was weird about it, if you don't mind me asking?

[Mark]

3 hours ago, omitef said:

 

What was weird about it, if you don't mind me asking?

Why do I find even trying monogamous relationships weird.
For me it's kind of like being a badly cast actor. Very unnatural; lots of strange roles and expectations; dosn't really address what I want from human interaction; very much a "one size fits all".

[nightfury326]

This is going to be super short (more details here) 

 

tw- for brief mentions of sex..just in case.

 

So- it never got into anything official, but the person creeped me out days before by the mere mention of sex in relation to my creative writing.  It'd also creep me out to be considered anyone's girlfriend.

 

My thoughts on that are "Ew- why would I want THAT from you??? EW EW EW.." (aka- me figuring out I'm definitely on the ace spectrum). 

 

 

[Dusty]

On 12.4.2016 at 10:19 PM, piplup said:

i talked to my ex for the first time ever last week & he was talking about our relationship & started saying things like wow i rly miss us! u made me so happy! like.. calm down boy it was only a month  & he started talking about his sexual life & made a comment that made me rly uncomfortable

 

i told him that im aroace & he said is that a thing that tumblr made up? & i was like ....ok :'/ then i told him that our relationship was an experiment & i hope that made him feel like shit lol

Totally can relate to this! My ex sent me a similar text last autumn and asked if I've been 'thinking about us and how much fun we had'. I think I ended up saying something rude to her because I started to feel uncomfortable ^^; I didn't tell her I'm aroace, though, because back then I didn't have a name to it but I wonder what she'd have said. What your ex said was really tactless. 

[AroArtisan]

I have never been in a relationship.  I've never dated.  No one's ever asked me out and I have no interest in asking anyone out.  I don't understand "asking out" or dating.

Honestly I have been alone for so long I would have NO idea what to even do with someone else at this point.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

Going out on a date is a bit like going out with somebody you barely know to talk one to one. For some people, this is very difficult. It was for me at one time. But, the more you do it, the better you get at it. I got my experience through both dating and meeting with clients for my business. Just realize that you have nothing to lose (as long as you feel safe).

[blacktea]

I have never been in a relationship though I have been on a few dates, as social experiments, as a dare, and one friend I did not even realize I was dating, I thought we were just hanging out until he said it was not working out. I not interested in going on any more dates or having a relationship, I actually find the idea of dating and being in a relationship exhausting.  

[Cassiopeia]

15 hours ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

Going out on a date is a bit like going out with somebody you barely know to talk one to one. For some people, this is very difficult. It was for me at one time. But, the more you do it, the better you get at it. I got my experience through both dating and meeting with clients for my business. Just realize that you have nothing to lose (as long as you feel safe).

Yes, the shyness gets better. But being visibly queer/passing as such in a public place in that context is tough and scary. Especially for women and people who pass as women.

Like really scary. You get the homophobic micro aggressions and the objectification.

When people think of your identity as a porn category, and treat you as such, its both creepy and infuriating. Even if its not a date, just a coffee with a friend, I don't wanna have men twice of our age walk up to us and ask if they can watch?!

I have no idea how homoromantic aces and ace transwomen deal with this, especially if they are sex repulsed. This must be a lot worse for them.

[aussiekirkland]

On 6 April 2016 at 1:52 AM, deltaX said:

I was in a romantic relationship for about a month in my sophomore year of college.  I had a small squish on this guy (although I didn't know what it was called at the time), and he developed a crush on me.  We he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes- partly because I though that my squish was a crush (or that if it wasn't a crush stronger "crush" feelings would develop in the relationship), partly because it was expected of me to have been in a relationship by that point.

 

Once the relationship started I discovered that I can be incredibly romance-repulsed; even the things that were fun to do with this guy as friends felt gross and uncomfortable once it was done in the context of a relationship.  Sometimes it would get so bad that I'd have panic attacks before dates with this guy, even if the date was something completely un-romantic in nature.  I was able to tolerate it (barely) for about a month, until finally I broke up with him.  I felt awful about it because I didn't understand why I couldn't love him the way he loved me, and thought I was just being a bitch for breaking up so soon.

 

At the end of the day though, I guess I'm glad it happened, because it was the confusion from that relationship that made me start to question things, and made me curious enough to start researching asexuality and romantic orientations when I saw a mention of them.

This is what happened to me x2 before I realised I might not be straight. The first time I just didn't have feelings for him so the second time I had a squish on the guy and I thought things would be different because I'd found "the right guy" and I couldn't believe it was turning out exactly the same. The problem was our feelings weren't compatible since what I was feeling wasn't romantic or sexual in nature.

 

So yeah even though there was a lot of nasty romance repulsion and also some sex repulsion in there I'm still glad those relationships happened or else I'd still be very confused.

[Quinoa]

I have never been in a relationship, but I came kind of close once! This was with my infamous "bad apple" who had a crush on me and was trying to convince me that something was wrong with me. Fortunately, I didn't get into a relationship with him, because even aside from me being aro, that probably would NOT have been a healthy relationship! 

[Hey you in the corner]

Warning: kind of ranting. feel free to scroll past. 

 

I have had 2 relationships. The first one only lasted for about 5 dates. He asked me and I could not think of a cohesive reason to say no and I was getting a bit of pressure from friends and family to date. By date 2 I knew it was not going to work, not just because of my aromanticism but because he acted like a 13 year old. The other 3 dated were me trying to work up the courage to end my first ever relationship. 

 

My second relationship lasted about 6 months. He was a really great guy, as a friend. My friends and family were happy that I was entering the dating scene and doing what is apparently normal by societies standards. I liked hanging out with him but as soon as he would hold my hand or start with the romantic lovey-dovey bantering I was immediately repulsed. Just, no. He was emotionally difficult to break up with as I thought he was a genuinely nice person and I really struggled to find a way to avoid hurting his feelings. Ultimately the only thing I could do was rip off the band-aid and get it over with. Every now and then he still tried to suggest we go get coffee and hang out. This pisses me off because I am trying to let him move on with his life but he's still kind of clinging on the the idea that maybe I'll change his mind. We also work together. It sucks. 

[paporomantic]

I jocularly proposed to a girl with whom, exclusively, I was hanging out (the way friends do) at middle school; of course I didn't realize then what marriage actually is. I've never confessed a passion for anyone, except an awkward AVEN squish which was erroneous and should be forgotten. The general concept of an intimate relationship is alien to me. I'm the best possible friend I can ever find for myself.