Jump to content
paporomantic

Sexual attraction as felt by aros

Recommended Posts

4 minutes ago, LJ_84 said:

Can you ask in a different way because I don't get what you want from me?

 

Okay, sure. Were there any ways you experienced sexual attraction after transitioning that were totally new to you? Like being able to see new colours or hear new sounds, ones that you couldn't see/hear before? Or, were you finding that you experienced attraction in the same ways as before, but it just felt stronger afterwards (like you were seeing/hearing the same sounds/colours as before, but experienced them as being brighter/louder than before). Hope that makes more sense! :) 

 

Again, only answer if you feel like it, 'cos this is all very private and I don't want to pressure anyone to answer any invasive, personal questions...

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't want to have sex because genitals are weird and produce unpleasant liquids, but I do believe I experience sexual attraction. I find female curves very beautiful. I really like boobs and I think I would enjoy touching them on a partner *blushes* However, this is more of a general thing, I don't often feel attraction to the curves of people I see in real life I just like the idea of them. I find men attractive too, but I'm more likely to be attracted to their face. This may just be aesthetic attraction, it all sort of seems like one in the same anyway. Within the past year I notice I do get slightly physically aroused from watching women "display" their curves, I noticed this while watching a Nicki Minaj music video. I replayed it a few times to be sure and it's definitely real. I'm much more sexually attracted to specific ideas and fetishes I have than I am attracted to other people though, so I don't know what to make of that. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/22/2016 at 0:33 AM, Tal Shi'ar said:

As a grey, my attraction levels are high enough to be noticeable, but in such a way that it's minimalistic enough where it might as well be non existent.

I feel about the same. I can identify a "hot" person (though I now feel it's more on the 'appreciating aesthetic beauty' side than 'I'd like to hook up', and if I've developed a crush on that person, I'll usually feel a strong desire for sensual touching or hugs), though I'm pretty sure my idea of hot is unconventional. My ex was 5'7" and 18 stone, cute paunch, brown hair and slightly baby faced. He's the only person I've actually had sex with, but it was more 'I want to make you happy, you're being really respectful and not pushy, and I'm curious' than "you're so hot I must have sex with you". He actually asked me if I felt like I needed permission to do anything to him, and I hadn't even been thinking about it at all xD

Other times I can feel "something" sexual when I see pictures of stereotypically hot men (though I actually really dislike muscles), but it's more of an uncomfortable and unwelcome feeling than something I might want to act on.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 I am heterosexual and not even a little bit aspec, but my aromanticism makes me act like I'm totally ace. You've probably heard and read more about the traits stereotypical heterosexual male humans look for than you'd like, so I'll leave that be. What's more important to me is that I can't act on that instinct. 

 

My romance repulsion is substantially more powerful than my (as far as I can tell) fairly standard libido.

As much as I'd theoretically like to try the whole sex thing, there's always that nagging thought in the back of my head "but what if she likes me?" I've avoided all such interaction because I'm worried that the female human in question is romantic. If I could ignore that pure, consuming, elemental disgust, I would in a heartbeat. However, I fear my exquisite hatred for romantic attachment will make that an impossibility. I don't think my sexual attraction is any weaker than the societal norm (norm as in the median amount, no connotation intended) It's just that my aro levels are so completely off the charts that I can't reconcile the two instincts. 

 

Honestly, it's infuriating. No matter what my sexual orientation would have me want to do, the aro is too strong. Even the whole "one-night-stand" thing that my friends suggested to me is off-limits because one night with a romantic person is still too many nights for me. 

 

I'm curious to see if anyone else has seen the two instincts in such direct conflict, and if either of the two has been able to "win" like my aromanticism did. 

 

 

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@James YO, I TOTALLY FEEL YOU ON THAT? I'm pan, and I feel like my aromanticism makes me act as if I'm fraysexual at first. I become anxious when I notice myself feeling sexual attraction towards friends, especially squishes, because I fear that any sexual advances will be interpreted as romantic. However, once I've established a clearly platonic bond with someone, then I don't feel any anxiety over sexual attraction to them, although I wouldn't act on the attraction because it's socially frowned upon to have consistent sexual relations with someone you aren't dating. As a result, I gradually become sex-indifferent after getting acquainted with someone. 

 

The idea of a one-night stand also doesn't appeal to me, for two major reasons:

  • I'm worried that my potential partner would act transphobically towards me/assault me for "tricking" them into believing I'm a man
  • The main way of getting one-night stands I know of is through apps like Tinder, and based on the conversations I've seen there, it seems like there's still an expectation for romantic gestures (e.g. kissing, pick-up lines, sweet talk) even if there's no serious romantic intention

I think the most optimal situation for me would be a sexual queerplatonic friend. However, I'm perfectly content with my sensual queerplatonic friend now, and I would never ask them to transition to a sexual friendship with me since they're actually ace.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@omitef I'm actually having consistent sexual relations with someone I'm not officially dating, and I see what you mean. We've actually been keeping it a secret from our friends so it's been weird going on a trip with everyone this week

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, omitef said:

@James YO, I TOTALLY FEEL YOU ON THAT? I'm pan, and I feel like my aromanticism makes me act as if I'm fraysexual at first. I become anxious when I notice myself feeling sexual attraction towards friends, especially squishes, because I fear that any sexual advances will be interpreted as romantic. However, once I've established a clearly platonic bond with someone, then I don't feel any anxiety over sexual attraction to them, although I wouldn't act on the attraction because it's socially frowned upon to have consistent sexual relations with someone you aren't dating.

There also appears to be no obvious way to actually go about it.
Both looking for sexual friendships or transitioning existing platonic friendships to allow for also being sexual seem very taboo. IME this can be difficult to even discuss without hostility or assumptions about really wanting romo-sexual stuff.
 

8 hours ago, omitef said:

The idea of a one-night stand also doesn't appeal to me, for two major reasons:

  • I'm worried that my potential partner would act transphobically towards me/assault me for "tricking" them into believing I'm a man
  • The main way of getting one-night stands I know of is through apps like Tinder, and based on the conversations I've seen there, it seems like there's still an expectation for romantic gestures (e.g. kissing, pick-up lines, sweet talk) even if there's no serious romantic intention

I've even heard of people role playing being in a romantic relationship as part of a ONS.
A difficulty I have, including for ONS, is that I'm often misgendered as "male" and thus expected to follow a asker/chaser/seducer type role. Even if there was some way to get rid of all of the romantic language/gestures/etc (which I find rather revolting and even vomit inducing) that kind of role just isn't me.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For me, sexual attraction is a very strong “disgust reducer,” which makes a lot of stuff that would feel normally “barf” just neutral/tolerable or even semi-enjoyable, but it comes and goes and is not present in everyday situations. I guess romantic attraction is a “disgust reducer” that works all day...?


I experience sexual attraction as a yearning for someones body, with a focus on the genitals and other erogenous zones and on achieving climax.


From empirical evidence, ;) romantic attraction seems to be a desire for an over-the-top “merging”.

Over-the-top, because romantic attraction compares to the “merging” component in platonic attraction like an industrial strength super-magnet to a compass needle.

 

It seems very reasonable that romantic attraction alone can bring enough motivation to have sex with the romantic partner. That's probably why romantic sex-repulsed asexuals seem so “broken” to most people. But I digress...


I can experience sexual attraction as “unwanted”. Like craving bacon but not wanting to crave that bacon, because I want to lose weight. Can romantic attraction feel that way? I believe only very rarely.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, DeltaV said:

I can experience sexual attraction as “unwanted”. Like craving bacon but not wanting to crave that bacon, because I want to lose weight. Can romantic attraction feel that way? I believe only very rarely.

 

This is so me, in my self imposed celibacy. I gotta get my head unfucked before I can even find a way to tell others what I actually want. If only my libido would actually go awayyyyyy. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/24/2017 at 5:11 AM, James said:

 I am heterosexual and not even a little bit aspec, but my aromanticism makes me act like I'm totally ace. You've probably heard and read more about the traits stereotypical heterosexual male humans look for than you'd like, so I'll leave that be. What's more important to me is that I can't act on that instinct. 

 

Yeah, same. @aussiekirkland posted this in another thread :

Quote

I have a new headcanon. Tanaka from Tanaka-kun is Always Listless is definitely aromantic. Some quotes

 

Ohta about Tanaka: Hmm, I remember him saying love was bothersome.

 

Ohta about another character: You want to instill in Tanaka the passion for romance that he lacks!

 

Ohta: So you don't think about getting a girlfriend or anything like that?

Tanaka: Well, of course, the inappropriate curiosity all boys have is present in me, but not enough that it's worth the effort to act upon it. In other words, I'm interested in the erotic, but the process to get there is too much work.

 

 

"The process to get there is too much work" is a pretty hilarious way of describing it! :D 

It's not even laziness per se - I'm not a lazy person, I can work hard to accomplish goals. I just can't imagine myself wanting to deal with all of the drama that seems to typically surround romantic relationships...

 

On 1/25/2017 at 7:31 PM, DeltaV said:

I can experience sexual attraction as “unwanted”. Like craving bacon but not wanting to crave that bacon, because I want to lose weight. Can romantic attraction feel that way? I believe only very rarely.

 

Yeah, I can see it being like "Wow, that is a nice body, it sure would be fun to have sex with that person!" vs. "I need this person in my life! I cannot go on living without knowing if they feel the same way as I do". The second one seems like it would be a much stronger motivator to act and also much harder to ignore and/or rationalize away. With the first one, you can always say to yourself  "The process to get there is too much work" xD. But with the second one, it's like, you need to know, one way or the other - the perpetual limbo state is not a bearable psychic state to remain in indefinitely. By its very nature, it compels affirmative action. 

 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/26/2017 at 7:05 PM, LunarSeas said:

This is so me, in my self imposed celibacy. I gotta get my head unfucked before I can even find a way to tell others what I actually want. If only my libido would actually go awayyyyyy. 

Oh, I just love this board, we have everything here – others are total aces! :D Sadly, I can't help you with your problem, but be assured, you have my heartfelt sympathies! :aropride:

On 1/26/2017 at 10:11 PM, NullVector said:

"The process to get there is too much work" is a pretty hilarious way of describing it! :D 

It's not even laziness per se - I'm not a lazy person, I can work hard to accomplish goals. I just can't imagine myself wanting to deal with all of the drama that seems to typically surround romantic relationships...

I like this Tanaka guy, can relate to him! :D

 

Even with the sex drive of my early teens, which was like ten times from what I have now, it would have been “too much work”. Societal pressure was actually a far stronger motivator! Just couldn't walk around as virgin.

 

And it's not just theoretically not wanting it. Ya know, there could still somebody come around, who pierces your aro heart.

 

But I've met women who I grew to like very much, and who are really attractive and intelligent. And there still isn't one I started pining away after. It must seem completely natural to everyone but aros, that those ingredients should give an explosive mixture. O.o

On 1/26/2017 at 10:11 PM, NullVector said:

Yeah, I can see it being like "Wow, that is a nice body, it sure would be fun to have sex with that person!" vs. "I need this person in my life! I cannot go on living without knowing if they feel the same way as I do". The second one seems like it would be a much stronger motivator to act and also much harder to ignore and/or rationalize away. With the first one, you can always say to yourself  "The process to get there is too much work" xD. But with the second one, it's like, you need to know, one way or the other - the perpetual limbo state is not a bearable psychic state to remain in indefinitely. By its very nature, it compels affirmative action. 

And even if cishet men don't fall madly in love, they nearly always get a strong urge like “I must, must monopolize this female!”. In this sense even Conan the Barbarian engages in complex bonding behavior. Sure, it's not the romanticism of flowers of candlelight dinners, but of not being content with just having NSA sex. So, it's really Conan the Romantic and he would be very irritated by a free-roaming sex kitten.

 

Probably human mate-bonding behavior is part of the higher cognitive functions and so it feels completely natural to allos, like it's just a fundamental part of their personality. And also because of that, romantic love can swiftly disable rationality. And in this state they believe that reading “please send the money with Western Union” and “you're my love, my life, my heart” in the same email is totes normal and not at all suspicious. :D

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OMGGGGG, the "must monopolize female!" thing is so real and such bullshit. I had a guy pull that on me hard in college, always telling me he didn't want a relationship, which I was more than fine with, but the SECOND I bone someone besides him at a party he's fucking drunk abusive oxnard. 

 

Why het allo dudes? Whyyyyyyy?? 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/23/2017 at 11:11 PM, James said:

I'm curious to see if anyone else has seen the two instincts in such direct conflict, and if either of the two has been able to "win" like my aromanticism did. 

 

 

 

I'm in a similar boat. I've never had sex, but it's not for lack of attraction. Im personally bi, and am definitely interested in sex, but I'm not willing to risk someone else getting attached and having to hurt them (but that's partially due to some baggage left behind from my one attempt at a relationship in high school though). And the other thing is, while I don't feel the need to be particularly close to someone to have sex with them, I would need to make sure that the situation is safe, so I'd have to know the person and be comfortable with them to some extent, and that makes things a lot more difficult. This is especially true for my first time with a guy because I'd need to know that whoever I'm with would be attentive to that. Otherwise I'd be afraid of it being painful and awkward. I feel like there's a huge benefit to being able to have that romantic connection because it makes it so much easier to find someone who you can trust in such a vulnerable situation, whereas anyone I would trust with it I either have absolutely no sexual interest in, I'd be afraid they'd get attached, or I know they wouldn't be interested in a non romantic hookup.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, DeltaV said:

And even if cishet men don't fall madly in love, they nearly always get a strong urge like “I must, must monopolize this female!”. In this sense even Conan the Barbarian engages in complex bonding behavior. Sure, it's not the romanticism of flowers of candlelight dinners, but of not being content with just having NSA sex.

IME this kind of behaviour is rather more general amongst alloromantics than just from heteroromantic men. Rather that women and homoromantic men may be able to use a little more subtlety.
The other side of the coin is that allos seem to also like being on the receiving end of this kind of thing. From my PoV it seems rather the opposite of friendship even borderline abusive. Honestly this kind of behaviour seems more appropriate with a puppy than a fellow human being. Isn't the whole point of friendship to accept someone as they are and respect their autonomy?

 

6 hours ago, DeltaV said:

So, it's really Conan the Romantic and he would be very irritated by a free-roaming sex kitten.

Teenage me might well have found (if you pardon the pun) some "free-roaming sex kittens" to be close to the perfect kind of partner. If I'd actually encountered any such people...

 

6 hours ago, DeltaV said:

Probably human mate-bonding behavior is part of the higher cognitive functions and so it feels completely natural to allos, like it's just a fundamental part of their personality.

Personally I find it hard to separate romance and monogamy as alien and repulsive concepts.
However there are aros who desire some sort exclusivity (including sexual) in relationships. As well as a couple structure and dynamic. Even concepts such as (queer) platonic marriage...

 

6 hours ago, DeltaV said:

And also because of that, romantic love can swiftly disable rationality. And in this state they believe that reading “please send the money with Western Union” and “you're my love, my life, my heart” in the same email is totes normal and not at all suspicious. :D

Sometimes I'm not sure if I should feel sorry for or laugh at an allo who's been scammed in such a way. A random stranger on the other side of the world asking for money is hardly likely to be anything other than a crook!
 

4 hours ago, LunarSeas said:

OMGGGGG, the "must monopolize female!" thing is so real and such bullshit. I had a guy pull that on me hard in college, always telling me he didn't want a relationship, which I was more than fine with, but the SECOND I bone someone besides him at a party he's fucking drunk abusive oxnard.

Instead of being glad about his friend having an enjoyable time at a party.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, DeltaV said:

I like this Tanaka guy, can relate to him! :D

Then you should watch the anime! It's Tanaka-kun Wa Itsumo Kedaruge (Tanaka-kun Is Always Listless)

 

It's a slice of life about the laziest guy ever

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/28/2017 at 11:11 AM, Mark said:

IME this kind of behaviour is rather more general amongst alloromantics than just from heteroromantic men. Rather that women and homoromantic men may be able to use a little more subtlety.

I agree that monopolization itself is an alloromantics thing in general. But monopolizing while not committing, that's a behavior I mainly noticed in het men.

 

Questionable behavior as this (well, questionable “even” from an allo POV), is usually not called romantic. We have a no-true-Scotsman-fallacy built into our language. “Romantic” is contrary to “sexual” always positive. We say “Stalking is not romantic!” and the like.

 

It's like the only adjective we had for describing something sexual was “sexy”. Would you wanted to say “sexy assault”? (no!!!!)


Probably that's one reason why some people still would think “Aromantic men... hey, isn't this like black darkness?”. Which annoys me to no end.

On 1/28/2017 at 11:11 AM, Mark said:

Personally I find it hard to separate romance and monogamy as alien and repulsive concepts.
However there are aros who desire some sort exclusivity (including sexual) in relationships. As well as a couple structure and dynamic. Even concepts such as (queer) platonic marriage...

My opinion would depend on the details. Is this exclusivity valued by itself or does it result from something else by rational considerations?

 

The latter I could relate to... but the former is weird to me (repulsive would be too strong).

On 1/28/2017 at 11:11 AM, Mark said:

Sometimes I'm not sure if I should feel sorry for or laugh at an allo who's been scammed in such a way. A random stranger on the other side of the world asking for money is hardly likely to be anything other than a crook!

I guess, if the consequences for the victim are benign, it's ok to feel a bit gleeful about it, lol.  :aropride::aropride:


But then there are stories which make you cry. People being scammed out of their life savings, going into debt, committing suicide. :(

 

Of course such scams are only the most egregious examples of the dark side of romantic love. Other behavior, like pushing for an apocalyptic divorce of a marriage with children and a mortgage... for no other reason than “falling out of love” (!), is something far too many can sympathize with.

 

(disclaimer: I'm not against alloromantic people engaging in all the romantic love they want, of course! This is just about the ridiculous adulation of romantic love)

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wouldn't be able to start explaining how I feel sexual attraction. I feel like I feel different kinds with different types of people. Some of it is very impersonal were I just experience sort of a momentary wish to do something sexual with a nice looking body that  comes across my eyesight. Then there is aesthetic attraction that kind of draws my eye but that I'm not sure is actually sexual. Then there is sort of a sexual interest that feels more tied to the style of the person. Personality does not seem to be involved at all in any of these.
 

I wish I was as sure about my sexuality as I am about my aromanticism :D

Another thing that just popped into my head. Is it possible for someone to be alloromantic and sexual but have no ties between romantic attraction and sexual one? Maybe they would be good at answering this question?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/28/2017 at 3:09 AM, DeltaV said:

Even with the sex drive of my early teens, which was like ten times from what I have now, it would have been “too much work”. Societal pressure was actually a far stronger motivator! Just couldn't walk around as virgin.

 

That 'societal pressure' to be out there having sex is definitely a thing. Especially for heterosexual guys, I reckon. But I find I react to external pressures like that in an odd way, in that they don't really motivate me. If anything, it's the opposite. I so resent feeling placed under external pressure to act in a particular way that I'm kinda inclined to do the opposite, out of sheer bloody-mindedness! I'm not saying that this is a 'healthy' or laudable reaction, or anything like that! :P. It just is what it is. Actually, I think I might be in a healthier, less awkward place now (in terms of my interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex) if I'd been more inclined to react in the standard ways to those societal pressures when I was younger...

 

 

On 1/28/2017 at 5:35 AM, LunarSeas said:

OMGGGGG, the "must monopolize female!" thing is so real and such bullshit. I had a guy pull that on me hard in college, always telling me he didn't want a relationship, which I was more than fine with, but the SECOND I bone someone besides him at a party he's fucking drunk abusive oxnard. 

 

Why het allo dudes? Whyyyyyyy?? 

 

None of this is intended to excuse the behaviour, but I could see there being an evolutionary basis for it. As in, in a hunter-gather society, if there is a woman you're regularly having sex with, you might then go on to raise a child together. A big investment of time. It would then make evolutionary sense for behaviours (and cultural practices) to develop to try and 'monopolise' that woman in the early stages of the relationship - to try and ensure that it's the man's own genetic offspring he's investing that time in and not somebody else's. Hence the 'drunk abusive oxnard' effect arises, as a very visible 'mating display' to warn off other potential suitors! xD (oxnard?) 

 

I guess it's not especially controversial here to say that I've always found a lot of conventional 'romantic' behaviours problematic. In particular the off-the-charts levels of jealousy and possessiveness that do seem to be very typical (and even somewhat fetishised) aspects of 'romance'. I guess the jealousy and possessiveness aspects of 'romance' might (in general) manifest themselves differently for men vs. women in the context of heterosexual relationships (with neither way being especially 'good').

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, NullVector said:

That 'societal pressure' to be out there having sex is definitely a thing. Especially for heterosexual guys, I reckon. But I find I react to external pressures like that in an odd way, in that they don't really motivate me. If anything, it's the opposite. I so resent feeling placed under external pressure to act in a particular way that I'm kinda inclined to do the opposite, out of sheer bloody-mindedness! I'm not saying that this is a 'healthy' or laudable reaction, or anything like that! :P. It just is what it is. Actually, I think I might be in a healthier, less awkward place now (in terms of my interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex) if I'd been more inclined to react in the standard ways to those societal pressures when I was younger...

(Warning, TMI ahead)

 

I'm not relaxed about societal pressures. Sometimes I still think “Wouldn't it be wonderful to find this mythical aro woman who would become my best friend and tolerate all my quirks, so we could emulate a romantic relationship and nobody would think that I'm abnormal?”, that's how bad it is.:(So I think you have it easy.

 

I hope you don't mind if I ask, but how and why are your relationships with women awkward? To me there is nothing scary about them. :D And honestly, why should I care if I embarrass myself in front of one? -_- It's not like they are my ticket to happiness in life... (omg that such people even exist.... but they do!); I can understand that guys who are dating may act awkwardly – it's like a job interview for them – but why should you?

 

Okay, very strong sexual attraction might be problematic, especially if a “physiological response” (aka boner) might be noticeable. This I understand. Where I live some people think it's a good idea to publicly bath butt naked. So if a stunner parades around naked in front of me, I (wearing briefs, as it's customary) may act awkwardly (being afraid of a physiological response).

 

 

Maybe I would be more relaxed in such a rare situation if I had more sex? But it would have to be MUCH more sex (though my number of partners may be “normal”, in absolute numbers of sexual activities I'm certainly in the lowest 1% for my age group, lol.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, DeltaV said:

I hope you don't mind if I ask, but how and why are your relationships with women awkward?

I don't mind :) 

I have plenty of non-awkward relationships with women (female friends and family members, for example). And of course I can rationally accept the notions that women are just people, that there is nothing really to be scared of about interacting with them and that my happiness shouldn't depend upon their reactions to me. But then I do find that the presence of strong sexual attraction can mess with my ability to behave like a rational human being in general xD I think that only makes it awkward for me initially though. Once I've had a few conversations with somebody I'm attracted to like that, it's generally fine. 


What I think I find more awkward is the trying to 'escalate' anything beyond that baseline of casual friendliness. I have problems with social interactions where there are a lot of unspoken rules operating. I don't really get how something like flirting is supposed to work. I'm paranoid about coming across as inappropriate, or pushy, or harassing someone. I don't like eye contact (especially with people I don't know really well) as I find it too intense. Stuff like that could all contribute to making it awkward. I figured none of that surrounding awkwardness would really matter, if I met somebody I 'clicked' with enough, so I was pretty relaxed about a lack of relationships/sex throughout my 20s. Now, I don't know. I feel like I may need to do things more actively outside my comfort zone to make something happen... (but, as I said earlier, that's never something I felt forced to do by societal pressures, so I'd kinda have to force myself...)

 

5 hours ago, DeltaV said:

I'm not relaxed about societal pressures. Sometimes I still think “Wouldn't it be wonderful to find this mythical aro woman who would become my best friend and tolerate all my quirks, so we could emulate a romantic relationship and nobody would think that I'm abnormal?”, that's how bad it is.:(

I've had similar thoughts. Only I don't really care if other people think I'm 'abnormal' (I'd probably agree with them anyway :D) I'd be rather more interested in the likely improvements to my self-image, if I was able to take the 'normal' step of having my 'normal' sexual desires fulfilled as a result of my own efforts. As it's rather frustrating to have all these desires build up that you never feel able to act upon.

 

 

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, NullVector said:

What I think I find more awkward is the trying to 'escalate' anything beyond that baseline of casual friendliness.

This seems a very aro way to want to go about relationships. I also suspect that it is incomprehensible to most allos (even those who say they want "friends first"). It's also virtually impossible to find any sort of "role model" within popular culture.
 

12 hours ago, NullVector said:

I have problems with social interactions where there are a lot of unspoken rules operating.

IME social situations where this is not the case are few and far between.

 

12 hours ago, NullVector said:

II don't really get how something like flirting is supposed to work. I'm paranoid about coming across as inappropriate, or pushy, or harassing someone.

When people don't understand the rules, can't see where the lines and boundries are they tend to either be very cautious or very reckless. (Sometimes a mixture of the two depending on if they feel in a safe environment or not.) You sound very much the former, including being frightened of being seen as the latter.

 

12 hours ago, NullVector said:

I don't like eye contact (especially with people I don't know really well) as I find it too intense. Stuff like that could all contribute to making it awkward.

It undoubtedly does make a huge contribution.

 

12 hours ago, NullVector said:

I figured none of that surrounding awkwardness would really matter, if I met somebody I 'clicked' with enough, so I was pretty relaxed about a lack of relationships/sex throughout my 20s. Now, I don't know. I feel like I may need to do things more actively outside my comfort zone to make something happen...

I'm guessing that without support it's difficult to have any idea of what things you could do. Especially given that support and advice aimed at allos is likely to be inappropriate for you, even repulsive.

 

13 hours ago, NullVector said:

(but, as I said earlier, that's never something I felt forced to do by societal pressures, so I'd kinda have to force myself...)

Personally I often find "low pressure" (as well as "informal" and "casual") social situations to be intrinsically anxiety inducing. Even though the majority of people appear to be the opposite.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh I so feel you guys there. I've got the gray in front of my sexuality, simply because I'm celibate due to the fact that I don't think it's worth the hassle. 
I don't technically want to be. I sometimes dream of a circle of poly friends I'd be attracted to without having to commit to anything. Because there sure is a lot of stuff I want to try but my aro-ness sure won't let me. 

There's also the issue of me, not really being all that attracted to men anymore (at least I thought I used to be more open in this regard, but maybe I never was, I'm not sure. Since I can't really experiment with my sexuality, it's difficult for me to tell). I find it hard to interact with het men sometimes. I love them as friends and I do have a lot of close guy friendships, but there's always this awkwardness whenever I meet a hetero guy that's single for the first time. I just don't trust them not to try the whole "you're single, I'm single let's hook up and see what happens"-routine. Like at all. Maybe it's just me, but I've begun to really notice that a lot of first time interactions with single people can be about potential romantic partners and not about potential friendships/just getting to know the person on a neutral basis. Like why is that? Why is the first activity you do with a person you just met automatically the "first date" and not just "an activity where you get to know each other, no strings attached"? 

 

This whole "romance first" stuff really bothers me. I'm not a ONS person either. I'd actually like to trust my partner, but the whole "romance trumps all" routine is like a huge wall my aroness simply won't let me ignore. Maybe I would like to sleep with them, maybe I won't, but this way I'll sure as hell won't ever find out. 

As for women and NBs, I haven't made the effort of joining LGBT spaces, yet. I'm a bit afraid to, but I might try soon. As far as I've heard, they can be really romance-coded as well, which makes me a bit nervous. Triggering a situation in which somebody I care about get's hurt because I can't reciprocate isn't a situation I ever want to be in again. And that feeling is so strong that it renders my actual sexual orientation irrelevant. Just... to many strings attached. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
32 minutes ago, Kojote said:

Oh I so feel you guys there. I've got the gray in front of my sexuality, simply because I'm celibate due to the fact that I don't think it's worth the hassle. 
I don't technically want to be. I sometimes dream of a circle of poly friends I'd be attracted to without having to commit to anything. Because there sure is a lot of stuff I want to try but my aro-ness sure won't let me.

I've always felt, very, limited by what others were interested in doing with me. Always wanted what could be described as "network poly", even before the term was coined. Not so much no commitment as different commitment.

 

36 minutes ago, Kojote said:

I just don't trust them not to try the whole "you're single, I'm single let's hook up and see what happens"-routine. Like at all. Maybe it's just me, but I've begun to really notice that a lot of first time interactions with single people can be about potential romantic partners and not about potential friendships/just getting to know the person on a neutral basis. Like why is that? Why is the first activity you do with a person you just met automatically the "first date" and not just "an activity where you get to know each other, no strings attached"?

My experience is that just about everyone will straight away consider me as exclusively (neo) platonic. With the rare exceptions being "let's have a (romantic) relationship right now!". From my POV something like a "hook up" or "first date" looks like a vast improvement. Especially if it were to happen reasonably often.
 

44 minutes ago, Kojote said:

I'm not a ONS person either. I'd actually like to trust my partner,

It's something I'd still consider if the offer was there. But it never has been...

 

46 minutes ago, Kojote said:

As for women and NBs, I haven't made the effort of joining LGBT spaces, yet. I'm a bit afraid to, but I might try soon. As far as I've heard, they can be really romance-coded as well, which makes me a bit nervous.

IME It can be just as bad as the het scene when it comes wanting non romantic relationships.
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Kojote said:

This whole "romance first" stuff really bothers me. I'm not a ONS person either. I'd actually like to trust my partner, but the whole "romance trumps all" routine is like a huge wall my aroness simply won't let me ignore. Maybe I would like to sleep with them, maybe I won't, but this way I'll sure as hell won't ever find out. 

 

Yeah, me too. I especially feel you on the "this way I'll sure as hell not ever find out". I always worked on the assumption that my summoning up the courage/recklessness/stupidity(!) to even attempt anything 'romantic' would need to be predicated on my finding the other person super-awesome from a friendship perspective first. So the idea of "romance first" made literally zero sense to me. Like, the opposite of sense, even. It took me a LONG time to figure out that most other people don't operate that way...

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
28 minutes ago, NullVector said:

I always worked on the assumption that my summoning up the courage/recklessness/stupidity(!) to even attempt anything 'romantic' would need to be predicated on my finding the other person super-awesome from a friendship perspective first. So the idea of "romance first" made literally zero sense to me. Like, the opposite of sense, even. It took me a LONG time to figure out that most other people don't operate that way...

Same here. Until I really thought about it hard, and started to question just what exactly is the difference between a romantic relationship and friendship... in my mind, I couldn't really come up with anything. I started asking people why they would actually want a relationship over friendship, and the answers they gave were all things that I think friendship could give them just as well. Aaaand then I found aromanticism, and it all made sense. :P

 

Sometimes I feel curious about what sex would actually be like. I'm not really repulsed by the whole idea, sometimes it seems like it could even be nice, if it's with a friend I trust 100%, and there isn't any confusing romantic stuff involved. But then I'd have to be 120% sure it isn't going to screw up the friendship, and all that kind of stuff, etc, ... it's just not worth the hassle.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...