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Cassiopeia

Genders and platonic attraction?

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Does the other person's gender have an effect on how well you connect with them? Does your platonic and sexual orientation match? 

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Fwiw, I classify myself as a panplatonic polyaesthetic aro ace :D so my platonic and aesthetic orientations have a slight mismatch. I can't get attracted aesthetically to manly men and those NBs who're closer to males than to females (unless they have my fetishes), but my squishes have been mostly on males :D

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It does and I hate it.

 

It wasn't always like this, when I was young I had mostly guy friends with maybe 1 or 2 girls I was really close too. But now I struggle with having any close platonic relationship with guys. I found out that I was aro, by having 3 of my male friends showing various degrees of interest in me at the same time. I don't want to go into detail here, but let's just say I had several breakdowns and episodes of self-hate because I couldn't feel what they felt, but felt pressured to. This lasted for about a year and I still have some remnant thoughts from that time... It was horrible.

 

After that, I faced the fact that males my age will be more likely to try and have a relationship with me than (hetero) females ever will, which makes forming platonic relationships with them a trust issue from the start. I wish it wasn't like this, but I'm a branded child, I guess. The thought of anyone who might be capable of developing romantic feelings for me gives me anxiety now. (Which is part of the reason why I'm openly aro. it helps counter my anxiety).
So, yeah... sadly my platonic and sexual orientation do match..., but more by circumstances than by choice.

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I tried making friends with guys multiple times, but they were all straight (we don't really have many gays or LGBTQ+ people in general here) and they all had romantic feelings for me with the consequence that the friendships failed. I also don't have any nb friends because I don't know anyone identifying that way, so yeah all of my friends are girls, but that's quite unintentional.

My platonic and sexual orientation don't match up at all with me being asexual, but panplatonic.

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1 hour ago, aihpen said:

My platonic and sexual orientation don't match up at all with me being asexual, but panplatonic.

 

I think @Cassiopeia needs to clarify how aces should approach her question. She was likely intending to ask aro aces (whose romantic and sexual orientation data alone doesn't allow to figure out what their 'partner gender preference' is) to use their other orientations (e.g. aesthetic, sensual) as 'tiebreakers'.

 

To put it more formally, I guess she was asking if every Arocalypse member has a set X of 'preferred genders' such that, for every mode of attraction, the set of genders to which they experience this mode of attraction is either X or an empty set. If so, I'm a counterexample because my platonic attraction range is non-empty and is noticeably different from my aesthetic attraction range that is also non-empty.

 

I can draw graphs of my attraction intensity in different modes as functions of the object's gender if anyone wishes it :D

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I don't have a specific platonic orientation; I guess I've never really thought about it. I've never seemed to get along with any specific gender more than another, though. 

 

I guess you'd call that panplatonic lol. Then that doesn't match my sexuality, asexual.

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I often prefer being friends with men, because I have very nerdy interests and in general, it's hard for me to relate to typically feminine interests. And it's hard to avoid gossips in many groups of women, sadly, as stereotypical as it sounds it's still very often true, I always experienced this issue in women's groups.

Anyway, it's not a matter of attraction to me. Attraction of any kind is something I hardly understand (I experienced that only twice in my life, and not in a typical way), and I'm completely unable to define my perception of others in terms of attractiveness.

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1 hour ago, aroMa(n)tisse said:

 

I think @Cassiopeia needs to clarify how aces should approach her question. She was likely intending to ask aro aces (whose romantic and sexual orientation data alone doesn't allow to figure out what their 'partner gender preference' is) to use their other orientations (e.g. aesthetic, sensual) as 'tiebreakers'.

 

To put it more formally, I guess she was asking if every Arocalypse member has a set X of 'preferred genders' such that, for every mode of attraction, the set of genders to which they experience this mode of attraction is either X or an empty set. If so, I'm a counterexample because my platonic attraction range is non-empty and is noticeably different from my aesthetic attraction range that is also non-empty.

 

I can draw graphs of my attraction intensity in different modes as functions of the object's gender if anyone wishes it :D

Well if it was meant like that, I guess I'd probably be pan about all forms of attraction other than romantic and sexual.

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7 hours ago, Kojote said:

 The thought of anyone who might be capable of developing romantic feelings for me gives me anxiety now.

The same here. although I have had squishes on all sorts of genders, people who see me as girlfriend material make me suspicious. (Unfortunately that includes some queer women too.:()

3 hours ago, aroMa(n)tisse said:

 

I think @Cassiopeia needs to clarify how aces should approach her question.

In case of aces, if their platonic and sexual orientation matches, they are aplatonic.

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41 minutes ago, Cassiopeia said:

The same here. although I have had squishes on all sorts of genders, people who see me as girlfriend material make me suspicious. (Unfortunately that includes some queer women too.:()

I had the fortune(?) that most queer women I know already had good relationships going for them, so that never became an issue. (Though I can't say I was platonically attracted to them either.) I guess in thought I am panplatonic, in practice I'd have to know the other first and hetero females make this way easier for me, as they won't ever be interested in me romantically at all. As for queer men, the few I've met were so focused on getting in a relationship, we just didn't click :(

So yeah... again, they kind off align by circumstances rather then my own free will .___.

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I guess I would say I am panplatonic or maybe sapioplatonic. I am introverted, socially anxious, and autistic spectrum, I don;t make friends easily, not real friends, friends I would hang out with, and spend my social energy on. The ones I do make are the ones I can talk to comfortably, something just clicks and we could talk forever. It seems to have nothing to do with gender or sexuality which makes me think pan, but it is their brain and heart I like, which makes me think sapio, I like people who challenge me, morally and intellectually. The very occasional squish is the same, but also very very demi/grey, because I have to be close friends with them already.

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Despise being Aro and Ace, I do have a platonic preference for guys. So I guess I could say that my sexual and platonic orientations do not match. It kinda sucks because a lot of straight guys take this platonic preference for something else... 

 

9 hours ago, Kojote said:

I had several breakdowns and episodes of self-hate because I couldn't feel what they felt, but felt pressured to

 

Yeah the same thing happened to me after the *on a date without knowing* thing... It took me two months to stop feeling culpability, and around 1 more month to stop hating him for ignoring me without trying to understand me better.

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Most my friends are girls, 'cause being afab and all... that's kinda what happens. But generally, they tend to be a bit friendlier? I'm not sure.

I tend to get more squishes on guys, though.

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I had it constantly drilled into me from an early age by my family that I can't talk to girls. Now I have this urge to become friends with girls ingrained into me to prove to myself that they are wrong. This is silly because I know that I can talk to girls, because to me they are just people. My biggest issue with becoming friends with a girl is that my interests typically have a disproportionate number of men compare to other genders. 

 

Or I could be wrong, maybe I actually do have platonic attraction towards girls, and I've tried to rationalise this by blaming my family. So do my sexual and platonic orientation match? I really have no clue. The only form of attraction that I know I feel aesthetic attraction, but even then I don't know exactly what traits I'm aesthetically attracted to. Have I had a squish before? Maybe, but it was probably tangled up with aesthetic attraction and I didn't realise it.

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I don't really use the whole 'platonic attraction' idea when talking about myself, but I am and have been friends with people of a mix of genders. What's much more important is if they like gaming of any kind :D

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11 hours ago, aroMa(n)tisse said:

Fwiw, I classify myself as a panplatonic polyaesthetic aro ace :D so my platonic and aesthetic orientations have a slight mismatch. I can't get attracted aesthetically to manly men and those NBs who're closer to males than to females (unless they have my fetishes), but my squishes have been mostly on males :D

 

Although I haven't had squishes, I tend to be aesthetically attracted to NBs who have feminine sides or feminine gender expressions. 

I once thought I was pan-aesthetic, but if I look close enough, I tend to be not attracted to cisgender male(or has its expression). Guess I'm poly-aesthetic too. :P

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13 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

Does the other person's gender have an effect on how well you connect with them? Does your platonic and sexual orientation match? 

I tend to have squishes on all genders (with a heavy bias towards girls); all of my close friends are girls aside from one non-binary person, and I only have two-three acquaintances who are boys; I am more aesthetically attracted to girls than nb people or boys, and more attracted to more feminine gender expression than androgynous or masculine gender expression (although I am attracted to everyone to some degree, and I am attracted to some boys, especially if they are good singers. actually the good singer thing goes for everyone. i am very aesthetically attracted to good singing. however it is one of the few things i am aesthetically attracted to equally regardless of gender/gender expression); I am sexually attracted to girls.

 

If I were to use sexuality label type things:

polyplatonic (mostly attracted to girls, somewhat attracted to nb people, attraction to boys is fairly rare)

biaesthetic (attracted to everyone's voice as long as it's pretty, more attracted to feminine genders and gender expressions)

homosexual (attracted to girls and strongly girl-aligned nb people)

aromantic (not attracted to anyone)

 

Basically: I'm strongly attracted to girls in all of my "orientations", except when it comes to voices (they're all pretty) or romance (i don't like it ever).

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18 hours ago, Zemaddog said:

I had it constantly drilled into me from an early age by my family that I can't talk to girls.

It seems not uncommon for children to be told they should be homo-platonic.

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Yes, be careful, don't talk to the opposite gender, or you'll become gay when you grow up ! (sarcasm)

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I guess I was very lucky in this respect as I was allowed to have a best friend of the opposite sex in childhood :) (though my mother regarded that friendship as 'an early love' and blamed it for my aroasexuality aka 'the lifetime fidelity to that cougar' O.o).

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Lately I've found myself squishing mostly on males, but that might just be that as a comp sci major, I just happen to be around a lot more males than females.  I'd say in general though, I can be platonically attracted to people of any gender, which is the complete opposite of my sexual orientation (which is asexual).

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I'm platonically attracted to feminine people. Being a demisexual, platonic relationship must be formed before I start desiring sex. However I definitely don't start wanting sex with everyone I'm platonically close with. So I'd say that my platonic and sexual orientation match, even though it is only subset of people I like sexually.

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I have had squishes on all sorts of genders, so I guess I am panplatonic, although I tend to connect better with feminine people and women when it comes to friendships (that includes feminine men though). I guess I'm also pan-aesthetic.

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I don't really define platonic attraction for myself, but I do seem to connect more with men, and more of my close friends in recent years have been men. Women have more of a tendency to compete with each other, in my experience. I don't know how non-binary people fall in this. I was a CSci major too, but I noticed this before that. 

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On 19 June 2016 at 8:10 PM, Mark said:

It seems not uncommon for children to be told they should be homo-platonic.

But when said children grow up and get into a homo-platonic QPR, suddenly friendship isn't magic anymore ¬¬ its interesting to try to determine how homo one has to present to cross that invisible line 

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