Jump to content
RedNeko

How are You a 'Bad' Aromantic Spectrum Person?

Recommended Posts

I don't really like the use of 'bad' in the title, but I couldn't think of an alternative.

 

So we've got a list of 'you might be aromantic if' on the forum, and there's also this well known list. Despite the 'might', not fitting everything on these lists can make you doubt yourself. But obviously, not everyone is the same, people experience being aro-spec in different ways and I think sometimes people start to doubt if they're 'being aromantic' in the 'right way'.

 

I thought it would be good if we could share things about ourselves that mean we don't conform to these lists. Also, are there any other things, asides from things from these lists, that other people might use to describe their aro-spec identity that don't fit you? Thing people imply make you a 'bad' aro-spec person that are a part of you?

 

For myself that would be:

  • I don't experience squishes, or even relate to the concept
  • I never bothered to look back on past experiences that I thought were crushes. I still don't know if they are crushes, squishes or figments of my imagination so technically I might have had crushes despite using the term 'aromantic' for myself
  • I've been enjoying reading a very romance-based webtoon recently
  • I'm not interested in a QPR, nor do I really relate to anything said about them.
  • I'm mentally ill and may have had episodes of psychosis
  • Valantines Day has never bothered me, nor has other people's relationships

 

Let's recognise what a diverse bunch we are :D

  • Like 11

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Interesting topic.  Hmm...let's see.  I can't think of many off the top of my head, but here are a few noticable ones for me (two of which you mentioned):

  • I don't get squishes
  • I often enjoy fictional romance
  • My friendships are less intense and emotionally involved than most people's (romantic and aromantic)--I prefer casual friendships
  • Like 10

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

yikes:

  • i Love fictional romance (when its done right ofc). i'm currently scripting a webcomic mostly centered around romance.
  • ive never had a squish & i dont even understand the concept
  • i have a lot of friendships
  • none of my friendships are really that... intense?
  • ive only considered one person to be my 'best friend' ever and they were the one to initiate that
  • i like the physical aspects of romantic relationships like kissing and physical proximity
  • im really depressed. like always. & i cant even make myself care about friendships all the time
  • how can i care about romance if i cant even care about friendships
  • ugh
  • more but im tired
  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
  • I'm a shipper and I love fanfic. Fluff, smut, angst, everything. (I guess this makes me a bad ace as well.)
  • I actually do like the idea of romance.
  • I don't really have any intense friendships. 
  • Like 10

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
  • I'm still active on dating sites, and I go on dates (because for me that's just another way to find people I can relate to...and I have an aro coming out section in my profile, and I tell these people what to expect)
  • I'm very physically and verbally affectionate
  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
  • I'll often call humans "adorable" and I'll say that I love them just because they're being cute
  • I don't really know how to effectively make friends
  • I like most physical intimacy
  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've only had one squish and that's just because I've known them for very long and they're the only person who doesn't critisize what I say (apart from people I've just started hanging out with) and I have Asperger's which makes me hate people in general so... is that linked to my aro? Don't know, don't care!

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I still don't really know if I've had crushes, I spent a long time wanting a relationship, I don't really relate to the term squish? Whilst my "crushes" were more like squishes, they were barely anything and I was completely fine not being friends with that person so it doesn't feel like a squish...

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
  • I've experienced romantic attraction twice.
  • I have depressive episodes, and I suffer from trauma.
  • I really enjoyed the Doctor's romance with Rose, I found it very cute (please don't hit me, no !). Although I felt really sorry for the terrible way Mickey was treated because he was a great guy and he didn't deserve that.
2 hours ago, breaddd said:
  • I'll often call humans "adorable" and I'll say that I love them just because they're being cute

 

But it's cute ! I find my squishes adorable too ! Like puppies :x That's how I know I'm having a squish !

  • Like 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

TW: arophobia, acephobia, ableism

Also collapsing because my reflection is really damn long.

 

  • I felt zero connection to the term "aromantic" when I first found it. I didn't think it was a real thing. I thought it was just crazy cishets making things up because they had commitment issues they didn't want to address. I thought, if you experienced sexual attraction to people, you had to also experience romantic attraction to them, because otherwise "it would be rude." But then I educated myself and realised I was an arsehole. Actually, I was basically phobic about everything before I came out as that thing. Maybe it was my brain's shitty way of being in denial. 
     
  • I've never doubted that romance existed, before or after realising I was arospec. 
     
  • I love well-written romance. My redeeming quality is, I don't love well-written romance because it's romance--I love it because I love seeing characters and people be intimate and vulnerable with each other. Characters are like granite--you have to break them to see what they're made of. But it's good to see characters broken open because they chose to let themselves be open, or because someone got them to open up. 
     
  • I've had a shit ton of shitty romantic relationships and I somewhat regret them. Without them, I probably wouldn't have known I was a romance-repulsed lithro.
     
  • Actually, in my relationships, I'd overcompensate for my romance-repulsion by trying really hard to be romantic. I was the more romantic partner in my first two relationships. I decided to be honest in my third.
     
  • I wouldn't say I'm more excited by making a new friend than by falling in love. Falling in love amplifies my feelings to dangerous levels, so my emotional highs are really, really high, and sometimes I enjoy strategically working out friendships with the other person to maximise those highs, even though I know I'll suffer extreme levels of stress as a side-effect. I think of navigating romance as a high-stakes game, and I like overcoming challenges.
     
  • I've never been perceived as flirtatious when being friendly. My flirting is very deliberate, designed to keep the person interested enough to keep talking to me, but not enough to make them think I want to be in a relationship with them.
     
  • I get crushes fairly easily on all sorts of the wrong people. I suffer at least one crush an year. I hope someday I'll be able to lower the average.
     
  • I know when something's romantic pretty easily, and pretty intuitively. And as hypocritical as it is, I really hate it when someone expresses inconsistency with their romantic feelings. I know it's impossible to expect people to have the same feelings forever--I'm not expecting people, especially alloromantic people, to crush on the same person for years and years and not get into a romantic relationship with them. But I get really annoyed when a crush clearly doesn't want to be friends with me anymore because they've lost platonic/romantic interest in me after two weeks of talking, and then keep pretending like there's absolutely nothing wrong with the friendship. If someone doesn't like me anymore, they should just be upfront about it and tell me, politeness be damned. That's what I do.
     
  • Uh, no, my criteria for crushes is definitely not what I want in a best friend. I want my best friends to be consistent with me, not play emotional games with me.
     
  • I'm sensually and sexually monogamous, so when I generally reserve touch for someone whom I really, really like. There are different levels of friendship for me, and there's a tier of friendship that transcends friendship completely, and it's like, they're my soul sibling and they're super special and I couldn't imagine having that level of intimacy with anyone else. I'm platonically attracted to many people at once, but I wouldn't be able to carry out friendships at the same level of intimacy and commitment that I would for my soul sibling. 
     
  • I have a love/hate relationship with the idea of being single forever. There's just so much stigma and I still have this lingering doubt (and lots of pressure from family and friends) that it's somehow immature for me not to want a romantic relationship, and that I'm committing some moral error/sin by not actively pursuing romance.
     
  • I enjoy romantic gestures that I do for the other person, because I'm interested in the romantic person. When I'm crushing on someone, I get obsessed with trying to make them happy, preferably without over-the-top acknowledgment. I hate hate hate hate it when someone starts getting really gushy because I got them a gift or I said something nice, even in the context of romance-free friendships. 
     
  • Okay no ew big celebrations 

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, omitef said:
  Hide contents

 

Actually, in my relationships, I'd overcompensate for my romance-repulsion by trying really hard to be romantic.

 

This was so me...

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I experienced my first (and only) crush at the age of 35. When I finally asked her out and she said no, I felt more relief than sadness. (Is that still a crush?)

  • Like 11

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
32 minutes ago, Cassiopeia said:

This was so me...

 

Ugh, I'm so sorry.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel as an bad aro because.

------------------------------------

1) I can't realate to cheating the same way as many others

2) I dont even know which label to use about myself

3) I used to have alot of chrushes and talk about them but then when I found the aro label I wonder if these were ever chruses at all.

4) I considered becomeing a normal romantic very traditional famely person once in my life, with the idea of 2 kids a house, being happy every after hetro couple. thats despite that fact I hate marriage and hate being straight =/ (but I like cake)  

-

I love this thread btw.

 

 

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Interesting topic idea. :D

 

- I've never had a squish.

- I'm not a big fan of romance, but there are several romantic stories I enjoy.

- I'm really curious about romance (and sexual attraction.)

- Maybe it's internalized arophobia, but i still have trouble with the thought of being single forever. No matter that I know that relationships come in a million different flavors, I still have this idea inside my mind that unless I find a monogamous, romantic partner, I will be forever alone.

- I'm not sure I want to be forever alone.

- Then again, I don't really see myself being able to trust another person enough to be in a QPR with them.

 

-I haven't had ice cream in a long time.

 

  • Like 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a great topic!

 

I'm a bad aro because:

- I've spent most of the last 6 years in two long term "romantic" relationships

- I currently have what I would describe as a half crush, half squish (no-romo crush, but also not platonic), which is super hard to distinguish from how I've heard crushes described

- I'm allosexual af

- I'm a huge fan of Rom-Coms

- I don't have any issue with other peoples romance, fictional or IRL

- I've never doubted the existence of crushes or romantic love

- In my past relationships I would do things I didn't want to "because love"

- I flirt a lot, and it's almost always intentional

 

 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The main reason would be that I actually enjoy flirting! Probably because I take it as a challenge...

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Apple Cake

This is really interesting! Okay, I:

 - I really like how having a crush (?) feels

 - I have several crushes on fictional characters

 - I find romantic relationships cute (both in real life and fictional)... sometimes

 - I really like people

 - I'm fine with having no friends irl  (but I do want to have friends). Talking to people is so hard I can't even ask someone to give my eraser back oh my god

 - I enjoy hugging and cuddling and kisses on the cheek

 - Love is cute I want to love someone

 

That's all I can think for now

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hmm lets see there's a few things that seem abnormal from an aro/ace perspective...

 

  • I have a really dirty mind (guess that's more of an ace thing)
  • I have shipped people
  • Might have a crush but I really don't know
  • All of my "squishes" if they even count at all have been really light and only lasted a few days-- they were mostly just small bouts of "hey that dude (it's always been a guy) looks cool I want to talk to him"
  • I don't mind hugging or physical intimacy with my best friends. I actually really enjoy it (most of the time)
  • I want someone to have a crush on me... in theory
  • I find some people really cute and I guess I have a "type" but only aesthetically
  • I am probably one of, if not the youngest people on this site

 

4 hours ago, Vega said:

- Maybe it's internalized arophobia, but i still have trouble with the thought of being single forever. No matter that I know that relationships come in a million different flavors, I still have this idea inside my mind that unless I find a monogamous, romantic partner, I will be forever alone.

I can relate to this. I may or may not have had a slight panic attack one time while thinking about how I was going to die alone without having contributed anything to the world... O_O

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ugh i relate so hard to this entire thread. double for being super sexually attracted to someone and being disgusted with myself when i couldnt turn those feelings into romantic ones because i was gross and rude and pervy. doesnt help that i prefer girls/women and ive got a bunch of disgusting internalized phobias that tell me im a bad person and i personify the male gaze :/ 

 

basically: im zedsexy as h*ck and internalized phobias of various kinds make me try to turn sexual attraction into romantic attraction

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Occasionally a turn of phrase comes into my mind and some part of me goes "hey, I could totally turn that into a pickup line", and every so often I wonder what it would be like to write characters who flirt with each other, mostly because I'm a sucker for witty repartee and terrible puns. Because that's what flirting is, right?...right?

 

Also, super awkward intrusive thoughts. Definitely not attraction, because there's no actual feeling attached to them, but just occasionally the thought of "technically it would probably be physically possible to kiss this person right now", which is just weird in the extreme because no way does that even remotely make sense as a thing that would ever happen involving me. More just kind of recognizing that the possibility exists on some level, and getting super weirded out by it.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm unhappy being aromantic.

  • Like 12
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You know how there's those people who think that because aromantic people don't experience romantic love, that means that aromantic people are cold and unloving? Well, let's just say that I feel like I've only ever loved my pets....

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone who's contrabuted to this so far. I was worried about the response this topic would get, but clearly I was worrying over nothing :D

 

Another one for me:

I could be argued to be trying to be a 'special snowflake' because of all the labels I've been 'collecting' recently

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, RedNeko said:

Another one for me:

I could be argued to be trying to be a 'special snowflake' because of all the labels I've been 'collecting' recently

Well, being either aro or ace means that you'll probably have at least two labels anyway. I often feel the same way, and in LGBT environments I'll usually leave out part of my identity in case it seems like too much.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...