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Early signs that you were aro

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7 hours ago, brook_worm said:

When my friends asked who i had a crush on, i said no one, and when they insisted there must be someone, i picked a random kid in my class.

I feel you. I am lucky, my friends didn't speak a lot about crushes. But once, when I was 15, the girls in my class asked me who wa my crush, and refused to give up. So I picked a name of a guy I thought was cute. He was sitting next to us, and one of the girls scream "This girl has a crush on you!". Fortunately his answer was "No way".

Now that I think about it, the fact that I didn't feel disappointed or humiliated should have alerted me. But no. I just thought that this girl should not have screamed that in front of everyone, and then I moved on without questioning.

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I remember, as a freshman or sophomore in high school, I had a dream where one of the girls at my high school had a crush on me and they were vocal to me about it. Instead of going out with her, I spent time with my friends.

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The first and only time I've ever told a sexual partner, "I love you," he replied, "No you don't."

 

(He was right. I didn't. Not in the way I was trying to believe I did, anyway.)

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I remembered this little anecdote of when I was around 4 or 5 (so a very very early sign I was aro). It was my aunt's wedding and I was all cute in a little blue dress, an adorable little toddler. So there was this boy, the son of one of my aunt's friends. He was around my age and they would joke about us being very cute together even though we were fucking five (because, y'know, heteronomativity).

 

So fast forward to the reception. This little boy some how got it into his head that he absolutely needed to dance with little five year old me. He threw a giant tantrum and in the end they forced me to dance with this teary eyed snotty little boy. My older cousin, probably 13 or so at the time, was filming the whole thing in one of those giant early 2000's video cameras. I remember looking up at the camera as everyone teased me about this little boy, holding back tears because I hated it.

 

Years later I saw the video along with my family and I remembered that that part was somewhere in there, and I sat through it dreading the moment when the clip would show. So yeah, that's a very early sign I was aromantic af. 

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Romance books and movies/tv shoes have always made me want to facepalm. Like I like romance in fiction if it’s well done and not the main plot. But like Twilight The Bachelor and other stuff like it makes me confused. Why do people want to read that. Now fanfics I get, but whole series based purely on romance...

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Never understood why people used words like "cute" and "hot" when what they really meant was "good looking". Anyway, sometimes my Mom would find a certain actor on TV good looking and say, "Isn't he so hot?" or something to that effect. And 14ish-year-old me replied, "I don't know. I just think of boys as 'ugly' and 'not ugly'."

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As a kid I didn't understand romantic love was a thing that was different from friendship. I thought it was just friendship+ or something like that. I used to say I liked one boy because I considered him my best friend and I was convinced liking someone meant they were your favorite friend. I was always very confused when someone said they had a crush on a person they had never met because of this. Like, they're not even your friend, how can you say you like them when you just know their name?

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I don't know if anyone has already said it but I thought romantic love didn't exist and everyone was pretending it did ^^"

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I started reading peoples replies and I was like "nope, nothing like that in my childhood" and then I remembered a few things and started laughing.

There was this time when I was maybe 7 or 8 and two "friends" insisted I should kiss this boy (maybe he loved me I don't remember) and they went so far as to hold my arms and push me towards him : I kicked him and well, that's how I learned that being kicked there is quite painful for boys...

Then there was my first actual kiss. I was 16 I think and I'd had a crush on the boy for month but when he finally kissed me my reaction was yyiiiicks! gross! what is that a snail on my lips or something ? and he was like 'you know what I want' but I really had no clue and it was so awkward I just left. He never spoke to me again. Thinking back, I guess he expected sex (maybe that's more of an ace moment actually).

Also I never wanted children and I've been dreaming of a white knight coming to my rescue until I realised I was my own white knight and did something to get the hell away from my fucked up family.

And I remember talking with one of my friends about the rest of the kids at school, not quite understanding what all the coupling was about and making fun of them because they would cuddle and kiss. I suspect on her part it was just being too young to understand the appeal. Me I just never grew out of it. I tried but it didn't really work for me.

 

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1 hour ago, Wildfires said:

Also I never wanted children and I've been dreaming of a white knight coming to my rescue until I realised I was my own white knight and did something to get the hell away from my fucked up family.

I did something similar as a kid though I didn't veiw it as a white knight kinda thing. I would get "father crushes" on men in my life. Id want them to be my dad and I'd imagine them takeing me and my mom away from the abuse going on in my house.I did that till one of the guys I imagined saveing me saw some of the abuse and he kept his mouth shut. I did end up haveing a wonderful father fugure. Met him when my parents were devorceing. He was allways there for me untill he died. Family isn't blood. He's my real family.

 

On a side note I allways wanted to be the knight or the warrior as a kid.

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In middle school when my bff started becoming interested in dating we would have long talks about dating and crushes and looking back on them now, there were a lot of signs. Things like how she had very strong opinions whereas I would just shrug and say "someone who has a good personality", when she could name specific people and I just thought of good friends. I think my biggest sign was that every single time I would think and think but I always came up with the same criteria I have for a close friend. My conclusion every time was that I didn't need a bf or gf because I had her.

-🐦

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When I would experience what I thought was a crush and they got a boyfriend or girlfriend, I would not feel jealous. I would feel kind of sad/bummed, but there was no desire to be their romantic partner or take their romantic partner's place. Idk I guess an early sign was that dating was just never something I considered when I harbored a crush. If my crush started dating I just felt confused. Like, is that what I was supposed to do this entire time? Lol no thanksssss

 

Looking back I think I got squishes on people I wanted to spend time with and get to know better. If they got a partner, I felt like I could no longer pursue a close friendship because they were already spending a lot of their quality time with someone else. 

 

Idk I feel like we live in a weird culture where you cannot become close friends with someone in a relationship because it would appear as a "threat" to their romantic relationship or something? 

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22 hours ago, arolectriclady said:

If they got a partner, I felt like I could no longer pursue a close friendship because they were already spending a lot of their quality time with someone else. 

 

Idk I feel like we live in a weird culture where you cannot become close friends with someone in a relationship because it would appear as a "threat" to their romantic relationship or something? 

I can relate to this a lot! I've always been extra-awkward around people in relationships, because I don't know where the appropriate boundaries of "closeness" are. Especially with closer friends.

 

I used to get all awkward and paranoid around certain friends who are very huggy and generally touchy-feely... like... isn't someone going to think you're flirting? Isn't your partner going to think you're cheating?

 

I have since concluded that it isn't really like that, and most people aren't actually that possessive. I've just read too many dumb psychology articles.

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6 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

I can relate to this a lot! I've always been extra-awkward around people in relationships, because I don't know where the appropriate boundaries of "closeness" are. Especially with closer friends.

 

I used to get all awkward and paranoid around certain friends who are very huggy and generally touchy-feely... like... isn't someone going to think you're flirting? Isn't your partner going to think you're cheating?

 

I have since concluded that it isn't really like that, and most people aren't actually that possessive. I've just read too many dumb psychology articles.

 

Yeah, from my experience I agree that people aren't usually super possessive with their partners (although I'm sure some are). I think the bigger issue is that people in romantic relationships prefer to hang out with other people in romantic relationships over their non-romantic single friends. When you don't have a partner, you become unrelatable to the rest of society. It only becomes worse with age too. The older you get, and if you continue to not pursue a romantic relationship, the more ostracized you become. If you are a man, people think you are a deviant or hiding some kind of secret sexual orientation. If you are a woman, they feel pitty on you but little else. If you don't fall into gender binaries, then it is even more complicated.

 

By the time couples are settled down and having kids, you will be completely ostracized at that point. In fact some people might actually go out of their way to avoid you.

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14 minutes ago, JetSettingAro said:

By the time couples are settled down and having kids, you will be completely ostracized at that point. In fact some people might actually go out of their way to avoid you.

True, to an extent. Some people will avoid you, but I personally would prefer those kinds of people to avoid me anyway. I'd rather hang out with people who can appreciate weirdos. :)

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On 7/14/2018 at 4:19 PM, Silyun said:

I don't know if anyone has already said it but I thought romantic love didn't exist and everyone was pretending it did ^^"

 

I’m still not so sure everyone isn’t just pretending. 

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On 7/21/2018 at 3:04 AM, JetSettingAro said:

Yeah, from my experience I agree that people aren't usually super possessive with their partners (although I'm sure some are). I think the bigger issue is that people in romantic relationships prefer to hang out with other people in romantic relationships over their non-romantic single friends. When you don't have a partner, you become unrelatable to the rest of society. It only becomes worse with age too. The older you get, and if you continue to not pursue a romantic relationship, the more ostracized you become. If you are a man, people think you are a deviant or hiding some kind of secret sexual orientation. If you are a woman, they feel pitty on you but little else. If you don't fall into gender binaries, then it is even more complicated.

 

By the time couples are settled down and having kids, you will be completely ostracized at that point. In fact some people might actually go out of their way to avoid you.


Something which makes this rather odd is in many places the "married with children" demographic is a minority of the population. Indeed in the UK and Australia married people generally are less than half the (adult) population.
Theoretically there should be as much for single adults as there is for couples.
In practice singlism, both direct and indirect is commonplace.
Together with a high proportion of singles specific events/organisations assuming a fairly single minded desire to be in a couple. Even though the majority of single people, not just those who are aro, don't have that mindset.

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I usually hate romantic fiction. I always see the faults in the story. How they can make a person more crazy in love. Which I never felt in my life. I feel love, care and compassion to my family and friends. And NBSB.

On 7/20/2018 at 5:16 AM, arolectriclady said:

When I would experience what I thought was a crush and they got a boyfriend or girlfriend, I would not feel jealous. I would feel kind of sad/bummed, but there was no desire to be their romantic partner or take their romantic partner's place. Idk I guess an early sign was that dating was just never something I considered when I harbored a crush. If my crush started dating I just felt confused. Like, is that what I was supposed to do this entire time? Lol no thanksssss

 

Looking back I think I got squishes on people I wanted to spend time with and get to know better. If they got a partner, I felt like I could no longer pursue a close friendship because they were already spending a lot of their quality time with someone else. 

 

Idk I feel like we live in a weird culture where you cannot become close friends with someone in a relationship because it would appear as a "threat" to their romantic relationship or something? 

That's very true. I don't think I'm able to have time with my best friend who is very drove by the love of his man for her. Sometimes, I get jealous. I want to spend time with them, like a sister to me.

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Another revelation:

 

I have a friend whose husband had never had sex with anyone else before they got together. After ten years together they decided they were comfortable enough in their relationship that they were both cool with him trying out having sex with someone else. I was the first person they approached because, to paraphrase my friend, "I know you'd run a thousand miles before getting emotionally attached to him."

 

I am literally going to kick every one of my friends' arses for not telling me they'd realised I was aromantic YEARS ago.

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I realized a few days ago that when I was in middle school I used to picture my brother married with children and me, single. I liked the idea of being the cool aunt who only had casual relationships with no romantic feelings involved x)

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On 7/8/2018 at 12:50 PM, Naegleria fowleri said:

Never understood why people used words like "cute" and "hot" when what they really meant was "good looking".

People seem to forget that these words have sexual and romantic connotations and that they mean more than just 'good looking.' A few years ago, when I was (probably) 16 or 17, a woman (the younger sister of a family friend) told me, randomly and out of the blue: "You're cute." Did I mention she was probably in her thirties or forties at the time? That's inappropriate. The same thing happened a couple months ago at a neighbor's moving-away party, except I didn't sense what I thought was 'flirting.' A woman (who appeared to be in her early thirties and whom I had never met) told me I was cute. Also, a few years ago, one of our family friends (who was probably in her mid-thirties at the time), who also happens to be our house cleaner, told me she thought I was hot. I forget the context, as we were talking about something else that led to this.

 

All in all, I believe what all these women meant was that I was 'good looking' or 'handsome.'

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On 8/3/2018 at 12:08 PM, Silyun said:

I realized a few days ago that when I was in middle school I used to picture my brother married with children and me, single. I liked the idea of being the cool aunt who only had casual relationships with no romantic feelings involved x)

Yeah, that is exactly how I pictured myself while growing up. 

 

Whenever I pictured myself living as an adult, I always saw myself alone, in a cozy small house or an apartment. This never really occurred to me until one day while living with an ex-partner, he asked me what my ideal kitchen would look like, and I suddenly realized that I would never feel entirely content with someone else's stuff or aesthetic  tastes in 'my' space (outside of a roommate situation). He liked picturing us merging our stuff, and I was hugely uncomfortable with it. 

 

Also, I always wondered why people thought it was 'sad' to be at a restaurant solo (especially in movies or TV shows). I thought it seemed like a nice experience, and didn't understand why 'just a table for one please' had a sad or shameful connotation. 

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1 hour ago, ladyasym said:

Whenever I pictured myself living as an adult, I always saw myself alone, in a cozy small house or an apartment. This never really occurred to me until one day while living with an ex-partner, he asked me what my ideal kitchen would look like, and I suddenly realized that I would never feel entirely content with someone else's stuff or aesthetic  tastes in 'my' space (outside of a roommate situation). He liked picturing us merging our stuff, and I was hugely uncomfortable with it.

 

I could never picture myself sharing a bed with someone for the rest of my life 😄

 

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4 hours ago, Naegleria fowleri said:

 

I could never picture myself sharing a bed with someone for the rest of my life 😄

 

I've never understood why allos can be so obsessive about wanting to do this.

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9 hours ago, Mark said:

I've never understood why allos can be so obsessive about wanting to do this.

 

No. It’s not just allos. Asexuals are MORE obsessed with this kind of stuff, being in relationships and doing things they feel is romantic, like cuddling and sharing beds. 

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