just unsure lately...

[rianril]

Hi! For a year or so I've come across aromance and asexuality...and although I've realized that I don't mind the idea of sex, I am confused if I've ever shows signs of being aro or grey-romantic? I thought I've had enough confusion and try to get a clear understanding of myself so here goes:

 

When I was a kid I only had 1 crush that lasted until 5th grade but I never wanted anything from it. In my teenage years, I've been attracted to people sexually and didn't have anything more than that. Being with them in a committed relationship never crossed my mind nor did I ever "chase after" anyone. The past year I dated about 2 people but I can't tell if I was ever truly in love. Even saying so made me uncomfortable or that I was forced to..

 

Granted, both of the them flunked so i wouldn't understand how to compare with someone who is romantic, but I like to do things for people; I treated them no differently from my friends (besides flirting and sex). I overall cared for them as something platonic though with support and positive feels, and whatnot. I don't think realization of me 'loving' this person was ever present. The commitment stuff like getting married, living together, etc, etc...I didn't like it at all. Anytime I'd think about it, it just came off as a burden. For the sake of romance, I mean. I would be 100% okay if me and a friend decided to use each other for financial support. Even if it was possible, I would marry just for benefits--not anything for love.

 

At the same time, whenever I feel 'lonely' I think about having someone but only half platonic and half sexual. I suppose the meaning is QRP? Though maybe because I still lack confidence and assume if I find someone like that it'll make me feel wanted, but then when I find someone it ends up complex, fake, and feelings die down.

 

A side note, a live in a household that's NOT open-minded. My mom is dead-set christen and expecting me to 'experience love' and find 'the one'. So I'm pressured to do something expected of me. In reality, all this relationship stuff is stressing me out and I don't want any of it rn. I also realized that I wanted acceptance from males (probably because of daddy issues idk) and  ended up latching onto when an attractive guy took interest in me...but now when I think back, I believe that was the only gratification I got from these relationships??

 

So now I'm conflicted because I want the best for myself and understanding who I am is important to me. Am I being complicated or is it really aro? Really sorry if I offended anyone. orz

 

 

[Jaide]

i understand this a lot

 

words like romantic just confuse me so much. it feels like a restrictive kind of label that’s been put on loving someone and being close in each other’s lives (and comes with a bunch of weird pressures too like dates and marriage and what not). I feel lonely too sometimes and want an intimate emotional bond with someone who i wouldn’t mind kissing/doing stuff with, but is it romantic? I have no idea! i don’t know how it would feel different than just being close friends. Just like you said, platonic and sexual but not romantic. Even in the case that romantic relationships are normally a higher priority, can’t a platonic relationship also be your highest priority relationship/person in your life?

 

but then sometimes i feel like i’m lying to myself because if i want to prioritize a relationship over all my others and i want to be emotionally close with that person and do things like kiss and hold hands then that’s literally a romantic relationship.... right?

 

i don’t know but i’ve been trying to let myself exist outside of the word romantic. I tried finding a specific label that worked but aro-spec covers what i want to communicate about myself. And in terms of relationships i focus less on what the thing means and more what it is. If i want to commit to someone and kiss them and be their number one then i’m going to do that. If i’m just a weird person who doesn’t experience this weird special romantic type of love or attraction i’m not going to stop myself from partaking in what makes me happy. And if what i experience is exactly what everyone else experiences and i just don’t feel comfortable with certain words or labels put on how i feel then i guess that’s just how things are going to be.

 

i don’t know if this was useful at all, i just tried to write down some of my own thoughts about the matter. Honestly i find this helpful to talk about so please feel free to respond to try and get more clarity about what you’re feeling.

[rianril]

@Jaide

I agree! Sometimes a romantic relationship reminds me of friends with sex benefits. I guess by social norms, they say ur SO is supposed to be like your friend? Someone you trust and has your back. Other than that, i don't know the difference between romantic intentions to friendship intentions...obviously, the difference being intimacy and sex, but the support and everything else is there, so whats the dif.

It's like, society (mostly religious based)think getting married or having an SO changes someones life when I've gotten just as much gratification and love from my friends. Actually, in my past relationships, I was unhappy because they weren't like my friends. despite him telling me that he did love me and whatnot, it just didn't feel right for some reason;;

 

I think I understand where you're coming from tho. Anything that has to do with getting a partner, its been built on another feeling but not romance? the emotional and physical parts are stimulating but its not anything deeper than that. Personally, I'm a physical and emotional person when it comes to showing how much I care for someone. If it was something that wasn't platonic, then I'd switch to more intimate things just cuz...idk, its easier to show that I appreciate them despite not feeling like it exists andhormonesarestillathingformecoughs. so yeah I'd do the same things too, more so because I'd know it'd make the partner appreciative and stuff. tbh with anything that's a combined effort I'd like to think I want to do my part, but then I think...am I just being pressured to do it because it's expected of me or is this actually how I feel?

 

ig there's certain things that aren't typical? It's complicated trying to explain to someone that I do this and not this. Sometimes I'm afraid I'd come off as unemphatic if I can have sex with them but only give them affection platonically...still, isn't that what the basis is anyway ?? Thanks for responding, I hope my response made sense haha ;w;