What do your sexual relationships look like - as ideals and in real life?

[sennkestra]

I have a couple question for any sexually active aros (or any aros who would like to be sexually active) - what kind of sexual relationships would you ideally like to pursue? Do you find them acheivable right now, or not so much? And what words do you like to use to describe these relationships?

 

As an aromantic person who is firmly on the asexual side of things, I've never really had to think about what navigating sexual relationships would look like without any romantic interest, so I'm curious to hear about what it's like from those who do. I feel like I see a lot of talk about how aromantic people navigate their more "platonic" non-romantic and non-sexual relationships, or how people navigate romantic relationships of various kinds, but I'm curious what non-romantic sexual relationships look like for people here who are interested in them, either as an ideal or in actual practice.

 

For example, do you personally prefer sticking to short term arrangements like hookups, "one-night stands" or other short-term relationships? Do you prefer longer-term but informal relationships like "friends with benefits"? Or are you still interested in more formal "committed" relationships similar to serious dating and marriage, but without the usual romantic assumptions? Are these terms something you use or do you prefer different relationship models and terminology alltogether?

Also, for those who are interested in both sexual relationships, and committed non-romantic relationships (including QPs, cohabitating with friends, or other commitments), do you prefer to have both of these desires fulfilled by the same person/relationships? Or are these things that you see as more seperate?

 

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

1. One that exists, and will not involve romance, ever

2. No

3. Forbidden by society

 

Like, to be honest... Allo aros are stereotyped as having lots of one-night stands or whatever, but honestly? A lot of the allo aros I've spoken to haven't even had sex, myself included. Society makes it very, very difficult to safely access sex unless you're in a romantic relationship. "Hookup culture" mostly lives at parties and bars, which is no good for those of us who aren't very social or just don't like those kinds of activities. Dating apps are also similarly off the table for those of us who don't want to get murdered (hi, queer latina here). And even "hookups", if you can get to one, are risky, because society has this concept that even if you explicitly say you're only looking for a sexual relationship and not a romantic one, if the other party "catches feelings", then it's your fault and you have to "take responsibility" and date them, or you're a horrible person.

The concept of actually having a sexual relationship as an allo aro is basically a fever dream to those of us who aren't lucky enough to be very party-style social, and/or romance favorable.

[LBMango]

On 1/2/2020 at 8:44 PM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

The concept of actually having a sexual relationship as an allo aro is basically a fever dream to those of us who aren't lucky enough to be very party-style social, and/or romance favorable.

Yep. that. 

As an allo aro, but also someone who has a very hard time reading other people (and also someone who didn't understand that aro was a thing into his mid 40's) I can say that being in a satisfying sexual relationship seems extremely unlikely...

However, to differ with Jot-Aro, I think I WOULD like a FWB set up... at least if we were ACTUALLY good friends... Or, I've considered looking into the poly community, where, if I can't satisfy all of a partner's needs, there are others who can do that... I'm not sure if that's a Thing either... but maybe?

[Apex]

I have limited experience due to a general lack of attraction. Tried Tinder and such a few times but decided to stop, because hookups aren't very satisfying and everyone seemed so fake (not their fault; it's hard to not look fake given the design of dating apps/sites IMO). I agree with what others have said about hookup culture; being allo-aro doesn't make it easier or more desirable for me. Especially when the other party isn't aro. Even when I've communicated my lack of attraction, there's still a lingering sense of unease.

 

Ideally I would like a close FWB or sexual QPP. Someone that I can grow close to outside of the bedroom, in a relationship where there's mutual understanding and comfort. I can still see myself having one night stands in the future but it'd have to be under the right conditions. I don't think I'll be looking for them specifically any time soon.

[Mark]

On 1/2/2020 at 10:18 PM, sennkestra said:

As an aromantic person who is firmly on the asexual side of things, I've never really had to think about what navigating sexual relationships would look like without any romantic interest, so I'm curious to hear about what it's like from those who do. I feel like I see a lot of talk about how aromantic people navigate their more "platonic" non-romantic and non-sexual relationships, or how people navigate romantic relationships of various kinds, but I'm curious what non-romantic sexual relationships look like for people here who are interested in them, either as an ideal or in actual practice.

Certainly this kind of questions are not often asked with sexual non-romantic relationships conspicuous by their absence in the likes of the AUREA FAQ.

 

On 1/2/2020 at 10:18 PM, sennkestra said:

For example, do you personally prefer sticking to short term arrangements like hookups, "one-night stands" or other short-term relationships? Do you prefer longer-term but informal relationships like "friends with benefits"? Or are you still interested in more formal "committed" relationships similar to serious dating and marriage, but without the usual romantic assumptions? Are these terms something you use or do you prefer different relationship models and terminology alltogether?

I've always been open to "short term", but never encountered anyone interested in doing these with me.
What I ideally want are sexual, or other non-platonic, friendships. Which might well include other romantic coded activities.
I've only ever found one person interested in anything like that with me. Who then dumped me for a normative relationship. (Even whilst identifying as "poly".)
I've never found things like co-habitation, merger or most the rest of the relationship escalator remotely appealing.
Definitely looking at different relationship models, paradigms and terminology.
Possibly Relationship Anarchy. Though I find myself hampered by the way in which many , allos, in online RA forums conflate romantic and sexual along with the lack of any in person "community".
 

On 1/3/2020 at 1:44 AM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Like, to be honest... Allo aros are stereotyped as having lots of one-night stands or whatever, but honestly? A lot of the allo aros I've spoken to haven't even had sex, myself included. Society makes it very, very difficult to safely access sex unless you're in a romantic relationship. "Hookup culture" mostly lives at parties and bars, which is no good for those of us who aren't very social or just don't like those kinds of activities.

We can find ourselves on one hand "slut shamed" for desiring non romantic sex and on the other hand desexualised for not being into (even repulsed by) romance.

 

On 1/3/2020 at 1:44 AM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

The concept of actually having a sexual relationship as an allo aro is basically a fever dream to those of us who aren't lucky enough to be very party-style social, and/or romance favorable.

This matches my own experience

 

On 1/6/2020 at 3:19 PM, LBMango said:

I think I WOULD like a FWB set up... at least if we were ACTUALLY good friends... 

The difficulty is that allos tend to see FWBs as more about sex than friendship as well as something for between (romo) relationships.
As @Jot-Aro Kujo said if an allo "catches feelings" in such a situation then romo privilege means that it's your fault if you don't agree to an "upgrade".

 

On 1/6/2020 at 3:19 PM, LBMango said:

 Or, I've considered looking into the poly community, where, if I can't satisfy all of a partner's needs, there are others who can do that... I'm not sure if that's a Thing either... but maybe?

There's very much a maybe here. Even before the term polynormativity was coined there was a lot of focus on "opening up" amantonormative relationships. IME many poly communities are full of unchecked couple and romo privileges.

[Raphael]

I'm greyro and allosexual, and I kinda have a FWB situation atm? I'm honestly never sure if she's my best friend or my QP partner, but she's somewhere in there, and we've had a sexual relationship for coming up on two years now. But she's alloromantic and monogamous, so I know that when she enters into a romantic relationship we won't be sexual with each other anymore. I'm also pretty romance positive, and I would like to eventually have a committed, at least mostly monogamous relationship -- I'm not super picky if that's romantic or romantic-coded or something entirely, tbh, but I do want it to be a relationship that I care about, that's not just about the sex. I'm open to hookups/one night stands, at least in theory, but I honestly don't know how that even. Happens, lol.

[Philotes]

I would also like to be in a fwb type of situation, but with actually being friends. I have tried dating apps for this but the idea of romance lurking in the dark made it a very uncomfortable experience for me. The main problem with fwb would be that I would be replaced with a romantic partner for the other as @Mark said. I guess that I would also be open to one night stands, but I would have to feel completely comfortable with the other person.

 

[bydontost]

i posted a link to this in a facebook group too and those are the replies:

 

" I prefer fwbs. I have had 3 fwb in the past year. One who is Aro not monogamous and 2 monogamous. I’ve recently realised I have increased feelings (still not romo) for one of them so I’ve decided to just sleep with him only. I’ll see how it goes. I always introduced them as friends. "

 

" I'd prefer to call them "girlfriends" because it rolls off the tongue easier, but really they are FWBs. Close friendships with a sexual component. "

 

" Ideally, I’d like to have one main sexual partner that I’d come home to, but the relationship was open for us to seek other partners outside of each other. Mostly the reason for this is to satisfy my parent’s want for me to find a partner, but also compromising how I feel "

 

" I prefer the fwb set up. But with a mutual respect and actual decent friendship. I have called people my lover, date friend, or girlfriend. To others I generally say friend because I don't want them thinking in a committed relationship. Those freak me out. I prefer polyamory and open communication and am generally with someone for a month to 5 before we go our separate ways (I gravitate towards people who are only nearby short-term and so the relationship has a built-in end date which gives me a sense of security). But we often remain friends after that. "

 

" I prefer something medium to long term thing, non exclusive, but with an open communication of feelings so that when things stop being interesting to one of us we can discuss it without hurt feelings. I especially prefer if we are good friends and that they are poly so that I don't loose my friend the second they start seeing someone romantically because that always makes me feel used "

 

" Ideally, I'd like to have 2-3 casual partners. People who I generally enjoy spending time with, but it's clear for both of us that sex is the main reason for meeting. They could be in any sort of relationship themselves. I just want to br able to text someone "hey I'm pretty horny. Want me to come over for sexy time and maybe a movie after?" and that's it. Can't say it's easy to find. This kind of relationship doesn't have a clear name(not exactly FwB) so I'm having a hard time explaining what I'm looking for and finding people who want the same. Also I'm busy AF and can't find time ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ "

 

" Ideally 2-3 "flirty acquaintances with benefits" at any given time. Do we move in a same social circle so i can vaguely assume you're not a jerk or ask a friend if you are? Cool. That's about as much as I would like. We get along fine enough, maybe do a movie or something but not like, actively seek to hangout outside of the implied hook up. I'm unsure if that "ideal" distance is from just accepting that "people catch feelings" and that's what I've grown to prefer over not wanting to deal with the inevitable fallout or what. Who even knows. "

 

" At present, I prefer fuck buddies or friends with benefits. I'd call it monogamish, except it's kinda inverted from the poly concept. I don't care if my FWB flirts with or dates others, so long as they are upfront with me when it turns serious and/or escalates to a sexual relationship so we can terminate the agreement and both move on. I won't be party to infidelity, and I want to avoid exposure to possible STIs. For me, I prefer only fucking people who're fully unrelated to my friend groups, so when we part ways there's no awkwardness. I'm mote than happy to be friends with them, care about their general well-being etc., but I don't want any overlap in our social lives. "

 

" I'm tired of hooking up. I want to have sex with people I love, my friends. However, they exclusively reserve sex for their partners. I always feel less than and stuck in one way friendships that are in reality more acquaintances than anything according to my standards. "