Your experiences with attraction?

[Guest Apple Cake]

So, I'm doing this so we can talk about, as the title says, our experiences with attraction of any kind! Okay, I will start: (I just use the word "attraction" because I really don't know what word would describe my feelings)

 

My first experience with attraction was with a guy in my school when I was around 10 years old. Whenever I thought about him I felt happy and my heart beated faster. However, he was a good friend of mine and that was all I wanted: friendship. Thinking about being in a relationship with him was kinda gross for me. I never needed to tell him how I felt, so I didn't. It lasted for 5 years, even after I moved to another school, mostly because I liked to feel that way, but it disappeared when I started feeling attraction for a girl from my school and decided I didn't want to feel attracted to two persons at the same time. However, I still feel a little attracted to him... or I just miss his friendship.

 

The second time I felt attracted to someone was, as I said before, with a girl from my school. The same as before: I felt (or feel) happy when I think about her and my heart beats faster. I sometimes thought my feelings were fake because we weren't even friends, but I later realized it was okay, after all, it wasn't love. But I did feel like I wanted to feel love for her. Like, I wanted to become her friend so I could see if I could feel love for her. Love of any kind. I like love, it's cute. When I thoughtof being in a relationship with her it didn't feel gross like with the other guy, I even thought I might like it, but I'm really not sure. That's not really a priority. I'm still attracted to her, but she left my school, so I'm trying to convince myself of the fact that she will not come back to my life and such. 

 

And that was all! What about you?

[DannyFenton123]

I always have feelings of 'I really wanna be friends with you!' to some people. I used to confuse this with romantic attraction before I knew about asexuality and all that, which was part of the reason I thought I was bisexual for a while. I just kind of enjoy talking to them more than the average person, and really wish I could be good friends with them. I think that's a squish, but compared to how other people talk about it mine always seem pretty mild.

 

But in relation to this topic I did work up the courage to ask a squish (?) for their phone number today. We've been sitting together in English class for half the year, but I always worried I might be coming off as too intense or something. Anyway, I got her number and kind of did a mini punching the air thing when I was out of sight. It was a good moment

[omitef]

tl;dr extremely good and extremely bad.

 

I've had a lot of attraction throughout the years. Most of it was sexual attraction, mistaken for romantic attraction. I mostly hated the personality of people I had "crushes" on. Also, I had a perpetual pattern of crushing on unavailable people, something which upset me a lot, before I discovered lithromanticism. Because I confused sexual attraction with romantic attraction, I didn't take romance very seriously. I would get into relationships with people just for sex, or because I liked the social status of having a romantic partner. After my third "relationship," I decided I was going to stop being manipulative and only get into relationships with people that I actually felt romantic attraction to.

 

Then two things happened. First, I got a major crush on this girl I met over the summer. We got along really well, and I thought she was flirting back with me at several points in time, which simultaneously excited and terrified me. I asked her out hoping she would reject me. And she did, but for a reason I didn't expect. She told me she "didn't want to date right now" because of social anxiety. Except, interestingly enough, after I asked her out and she came out to me about her social anxiety, we got a lot closer, both emotionally and physically, so I was really confused--did she like me or not? And then later she came out to me as aroace and I realized, all the "flirting" was just platonic attempts to get closer to me. After I realized she was aroace, I was able to put thoughts of romance with her aside, and focus on really building up a friendship with her. We developed an intense, solid connection that I'd never experienced with anyone else before, and I realized that was exactly what I'd been looking for in romance the entire time. A really, really special friend--a mutual squish. 

 

And for a long time, because of my mutual squish, I found myself disinterested in romance. But then I got a crush on another person, who then started crushing on me, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I was completely paralyzed. At first I thought it was because romance would jeopardize my friendship with my squish, so I talked to her, and she said she didn't mind if I pursued romance, so long as I didn't reduce our intimacy in pursuit of romance. But then the feeling of being paralyzed still persisted. I realized, didn't want to date my new crush, or even have sex with them. I wanted to be platonic friends. And every time they were flirting with me, I felt really grossed out. But I was confused why I felt grossed out. I was confused why I was uncomfortable with them liking me back even though I liked them back. And then I discovered lithromanticism and the world made sense.

 

Thankfully I never had to ask my crush out. After they realized I wasn't really interested in going beyond flirting, they stopped talking to me as often, and our friendship died. I'm currently experiencing a much more pleasant adventure in attraction with my new squish, who conveniently lives next door to me. We talk on the bus ride home together, and walk home together almost every day. My biggest dilemma is figuring out how to get closer to her without implying that I have a crush on her. But she should know by now that I don't have a crush on her, since I was pretty eager and excited about giving her romantic advice on how to deal with her unrequited crush on this one guy who doesn't even want to talk to her. I hope we'll be able to hang out some more, once school gets out, and I hope she will never develop a crush on me.

 

 

[Cassiopeia]

I think I had a serious squish on maybe two or three people. I won't copy paste the thing, cos I don't want to flood the thread.

 

Aesthetic attraction wise, I have lots of people I like. I go on tumblr or take a walk around town and just admire people. Its like going to an art gallery. Everyone is soo pretty. ladies, gentlemen and variations of thereof, you are gorgeous.

Sometimes I just want to admire them. Absolute the worst when I like someone's style but can't bear their personality. I guess most people know someone who is the ultimate 'I love your hairdo, but ffs please please do not open your mouth' type of acquaintance.

And sometimes I like someone's style like its part of me, we are so much on the same wavelength, that we predict each others choices without even talking about it. Like me and my ex did this by coincidence. We were in a long distance relationship...thing, and we haven't really had the chance to meet in person for weeks. I wear mostly very neutral colours, but I have found this bright cobalt blue cardigan, and then I got a nail polish in the same blue tone. It became my new favourite colour in a week. We met in a couple of days after, and I was surprised to find out that she was wearing the same cobalt blue. We did not mention it to each other, but somehow we simultaneously started to like the same thing....and it wasn't even one of the trend colours that year. It was some Cloud Atlas level synchronicity stuff.

 

And then sexual attraction is kind of similar to the aesthetic one. You can like two opposites at the same time. Several people at the same time.

Its weird. Like you do not really like the person as a person, but you are attracted to them.

It can be quite physically intense as well. In a good case, if you have a lush, they are nice to look at, you would totally sleep with them given the chance. In a bad case, its really embarrassing to be around them, well, because they turn you on. A lot. And you can't concentrate on important stuff. You have to seriously check yourself, and hope you don't leer like a creep. Neil was right, sometimes they should be slapped with a dead fish. But the bad case is rare, and usually only causes a big mess if its reciprocated by the wrong person.

It can be heaven or hell. (But obviously I have lots of internalized slutshaming, arophobia and homophobia to get over, and those strongly effect my attitude towards sexual desire)

 

Btw, I totally have and unhealthy mutual lush on this girl right now, and its awful. She does not really understand the concept of being aro, we do not even have a proper common language to converse on, but there is this pull, we kissed, I almost ended up in her bed.

:facepalm:

Its so irritating, and the whole situation makes me feel so alienated. I can't cope with this mess.

 

For me, sensual attraction kind of hard to separate from platonic attraction, I usually experience both at the same time. At least for me, its unlikely that I'd experience that sort of non-sexual touch hunger, if I don't feel emotionally close to the person.  Like if I have a friend, I do want to hug them, cuddle with them, braid their hair, touch when we sit on the same sofa, enjoy their scents (like if I go to their house, and it smells pleasant, relaxing. like home), the flavour of the food or drinks they like to make...That's why its amazing to live with your squish, being surrounded by that is such a good thing.

 

[omitef]

@Cassiopeia I only have sensual attraction to my first (primary) squish; physical intimacy is something I see as extremely special, so I don't feel it unless I really, really want to get close to the person. 

[owl]

I developed a few squish type things in school, which I mistook for crushes. They were fairly brief, fairly week, and most of them I didn't realise till quite a bit later that it wasn't a crush. I wanted to talk to them and be friends with them and have lunch or spend breaks with them but I had no real desire to date them or treat them any differently than any other friend..

But really, it wasn't even that strong of a feeling. I didn't really become friends with any of these people and I didn't mind, the occasional chat in class was fine.

 

 

[Cassiopeia]

My interpretation of sensual attraction includes all senses not just touch.

And also, for me, there is a massive difference between plain everyday attraction, and full-on crushes, squishes, lushes...etc. Some people are nice, and that is a level of attraction. And then there are people who are oh-my-world-so-perfect in some aspect.

(is there a word for aesthetic crush? idol?)

 

@omitef I'm a tactile person, so for me emotional intimacy is more rare and a lot more precious. I'm happy to give hugs, nap together, but things like talking about feelings are more private.

I guess its also cultural, the more south you go, the more comfortable people tend to be with casual touch in general. Like when someone comes down from Scandinavia to the Mediterranean for a holiday, they are often shocked how people grab each others shoulder or tap each others arm in the hey-I'm-talking-to/about-you manner when having a friendly conversation. 

I actually moved a bit north, so I had to re-learn this, because what I consider normal might be a bit too much around here, and I don't want to make people uncomfortable.

[Rising Sun]

Attraction is for me an exotic stranger who went knocking at my door only twice in my life, and very late. Understanding its language and customs is a challenge.

Attraction can feel very good, very intense and is a possible consequence of love for me, but only a rare consequence, and I don't need it. I'm glad I experienced it after all, but only because I find it intellectually enriching to have been on both sides of the fence, and because having a life companion is considered unacceptable by society without attraction. Anyway, my opinion on attraction hasn't changed throughout my life : I still think that attraction is greatly overrated, because people confuse it with love all the time in western cultures. I'm glad I had the luck to experience platonic love on full aromantic mode and to still have this capacity now, even with the potential (although extremely rare) for attraction. They're both beautiful... But different, very different.

[Zema]

I only experience aesthetic attraction, and it is so intense, that it confused me for years. I'll try and explain it as best I can.

 

So I can appreciate the aesthetics of many people, I don't call it attraction cause it's more like I see them and think, "They look good". I can appreciate the aesthetics of any gender, but I tend to like the looks of female people better. Then I have aesthetic attraction. I've only ever been aesthetically attracted to about five people in my life. What separates the two is that aesthetic attraction will make me just keep looking at the person I'm attracted too and I can't help it. Not only that but my attraction lasts for months. It was so intense that I thought that it was sexual attraction for years (this was before I knew I was asexual). I know now that it's aesthetic attraction, because I didn't feel any push to do anything other than look at those people whenever they were near me.

[Ugh...]

Is humorous attraction a thing? I love to laugh and I love being around anyone who is able to make me laugh! The funniest people are, the more “attracted” I feel!

Only problem with this is that I get bored super fast once I know their kind of jokes, because it turns out to be predictable...

I also feel Aesthetic attraction and I'm super interested by people who can teach me new things!! (then again, I get bored quickly)

[peridotty]

tbh i dont get squishes? or crushes? but every so often i'll feel like a really intense romantic feel for somebody that will be gone in like, a minute. its mad strange.

 

also i never feel attraction to any one person (its more of a 'i really want to be close to somebody and hug them and stuff') which is incredibly frustrating???all the time because i want it but im not close enough to any of my friends to really ask? and there's no one person i want to do qp stuff with  

 

maybe im cupio idk

[RedNeko]

I don't think I experience any sort of attraction very much, or at least my memory doesn't think it's very important and has thrown most of the info away.

 

I know I experience sexual attraction, but I have no idea what kind of person I feel sexual attraction to. However, recently my asthetic attraction have begun to be a part of my sexual attraction, which was never the case before, which is confusing me too.

 

I've never had a squish, all my friends have just become my friends at some point, which is fortunate because I've never figured out how to purposefully become friends with someone.

[Sentient Android]

Ahhh this is a complicated topic!! This may turn into kind of a rant, because I'm kinda confused on this topic.

 

So I had a crush on a boy a couple years ago, but it went away when I changed schools. I didn't know him very well, though. Then I had some sort of attraction-type thing to this other boy, who was one of my best friends at the time, but it might've been a squish? (that was before I knew what a squish was though) Then this year I developed this huge crush on a girl who I've been friends with for a while now. But it's kind of turned into a squish now? Like, sometimes it feels like a crush, and sometimes like a squish. Which is why I label myself as aroflux. And now I have squishes on, like, four other people. Super confusing. I'm definitely arospec, though....

 

And I am also a sex-repulsed ace; no doubt about that!  

[breaddd]

On 5/12/2016 at 10:32 PM, DannyFenton123 said:

But in relation to this topic I did work up the courage to ask a squish (?) for their phone number today. We've been sitting together in English class for half the year, but I always worried I might be coming off as too intense or something. Anyway, I got her number and kind of did a mini punching the air thing when I was out of sight. It was a good moment

I asked a squish for his email the other day  and I was pretty happy about that. 

 

Most of my attractions are squishy feelings, whether I'm friends with them already or not. It's a want for a deeper friendship and more memories with them that can make me laugh and smile I guess.

[AroArtisan]

The only attraction I feel is aesthetic. 

My only experiences with attraction are once in grade school when I was aesthetically attracted to one boy, and was horribly horribly treated about it, especially the boy himself. as I am probably one of the most repulsive (not a value judgement, just a fact.  Some people are "attractive" and I'm quite the opposite.) people on Earth, for many reasons. 

The second time I was aesthetically attracted to someone I kept it mainly to myself. That was a lot less painful, but still joked around with some adults about it because that's just what you do when you're a person I guessed.

I don't know if these two incidents happened because I was simply doing what society expected of me or they were truly a part of my personality that I now repress.

But I was never attracted to anyone else after that.  I've never experienced a crush or a squish.  I don't desire to have friends. 

[aussiekirkland]

For me sensual and platonic attraction are usually tied together. It's pretty rare that I get a squish, maybe once a year. Although it's pretty strong, there were only two occasions where it was so strong that I had any desire to tell them how I felt. The first time I did because I thought it was a crush, but the second time was last year and it was the first time I knew that it was a squish and I had no idea how to tell him without making things confusing. I still regret not telling him before he left for another state because we could've had a really great qpr and I could have finally given into my rather strong desire for physical touch (which I had been repressing for fear of a misunderstanding).

 

Aesthetic attraction happens a little more often and is usually seperate from squishes. It's super lowkey though, I just end up looking at them a lot until it goes away haha

[aro_elise]

i'm your garden variety sexual aro.  i can be sexually attracted to guys and platonically attracted to anyone.  when they coincide, i call it an aro crush.  most of those are on celebrities.  i get occasional squishes; i have one now.

[Apathetic Echidna]

I have probably felt attraction of some form several times, but as they were not strong and/or particularly memorable I now refer to them as 'appreciations' especially as there has definitely been 3 strong attractions. They all started as sensual attraction, using basically the same understanding as Cassiopeia

On 13/05/2016 at 5:05 AM, Cassiopeia said:

My interpretation of sensual attraction includes all senses not just touch.

(Though I do separate the visual sense as aesthetic attraction)

Two included the desire to touch, but the third I was just massively attracted to his voice. I could sit and listen to it all day and be happy, no touch needed. 

I really can't think of any squishes I've had right now, or even if there was initial attraction to my friends....I don't even remember how I met most of my friends besides a basic sort of 'at school' or 'at club'. 

I do find moles on the skin fairly fascinating, especially on men so.........persistent mild aesthetic attraction?  

[DeltaAro]

On 10/13/2017 at 4:29 PM, aro_elise said:

i'm your garden variety sexual aro.

IDK why, but that sounds so funny and cute.

[aro_elise]

On 10/16/2017 at 4:41 PM, DeltaV said:

IDK why, but that sounds so funny and cute.

my dad uses the phrase 'garden variety' to describe anything typical or mundane and i kind of picked it up.  

[DeltaAro]

14 hours ago, aro_elise said:

my dad uses the phrase 'garden variety' to describe anything typical or mundane and i kind of picked it up.  

I know that phrase! It''s the “mundane” part that makes it so funny… like as if everybody had become totally used to aromanticism.

[time-is-ticking]

I remember being in a relationship when I was twelve. We were basically just best friends, but it was kind of awkward and then I forgot that I was even in a relationship with him. We never broke up.

I gave him a peck on the lips once and we used to send each other small pieces of paper in class, they basically just said "I like you", "I like you too" and drawings of birds (??). We used to sit on a tree branch and talk about sports and he also sat next to me in class for the entire year that we were together.

When I look back on that year, I don't think I felt any attraction at all? He liked me and I just: "okay".

 

My other experiences with attraction ended in misunderstandings and frustration because I still didn't know about the split attraction model or aromanticism. When he asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship with me, I didn't really know what I wanted and tried to explain it as "being friends, but like, Best Friends". He wanted something different than I did, we said hurtful things to each other and I was scared because I didn't understand why I wasn't like everyone else. We're still friends, but rarely see each other since we go to different schools now.

[James White]

I always figured I got messed up by my time in tennessee. I was homeschooled for two years (third and fourth grade). For a while I genuinely thought "that must have been when everyone learned about kissing" because when I came back in fifth grade, people had started talking about who they like liked. Whatever that meant. I just figured it was a part of elementary school culture and I was just behind on learning it. Two years later I felt really behind on that subject. Meanwhile I was getting traumatized by a bunch of Tennesseean homophobes who thought I was gay, and I kind of gave up on humanity in general. I thought I got too messed up by not trusting any of my classmates. In college, I figured out something was permanently off. I called myself "functionally asexual" for a while because although I experienced attraction, I couldn't force myself to act on it. It wasn't until I discovered the Aromantic culture and the romance-repulsed orientation that I realized I'd been showing the signs since elementary school. It's kind of cool to look back and see all the little ways it manifested, even before I knew what it meant. 

 

And that's the story of how I've never kissed anyone, only held hands (like That, anyway) twice, and remained completely single for literally all my life.

[DeltaAro]

@James Yes, it seems that you maxed out the aromanticism scale. It sounds really bad. Do you think it's totally rigid or could it become less inhibitory?

[James White]

@DeltaV It's pretty inhibitory, but I can imagine a future where it drops from 100% repulsed to around 90%.