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simplyaro

There will never be that magical right person: nobody understands.

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I'm an ARO who is having a hard time coping. I get people who keep telling me that there's no such thing as ARO, and how I just never met the one. Nobody understands and I'm feeling depression from this lack of acceptance. My late mother's friend is really on my shit list right now. She's telling me this shit how I could one day find somebody that will change me and how I'm "going to scare him away with a label". How I'm "letting labels and living in the past" hold me back. Back from what? A romantic relationship I never wanted?!

 

This is my response:

"People keep giving me this unsolicited advice on what to do with my body and sexuality-"wait for the one", "save it for somebody special", things my brain is just not wired for. There's never going to be that magical right person who is going to come along and change me. People need to accept that. My sexuality isn't anybody else's problem. Anybody who gets scared away is a person who isn't worth having in my life anyway. Even before I knew this term "aromantic", I had the feeling something was up when for as long as I can remember, I was sexually attracted to boys and wanted to make out with them, but I never wanted anything beyond friendship and never had any desire for romantic relationships. I never felt romantic attraction and you can't change an ARO anymore than you can change a homosexual.".

 

I'm never going to change. I'm 28 years old and always felt this way. I can't force myself to feel ways I'm not wired to feel. I even had moments where I wished I would die cause of people's comments making me feel defective and bad about myself.

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i know how you feel, it's very unfortunate and rather confusing that people feel the need to argue with something which doesn't concern them.  you're not trying to tell them how to feel, so why should they do that to you?  it's no more more likely that i'll be romantically attracted to a man one day than be romantically or sexually attracted to a woman, or that these jokers picking on us--assuming they're straight--will be attracted to a woman.  i think it's hard for them to understand split attraction, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  i don't understand romantic attraction, but i believe people experience it, just not me.  if that upsets other people so much, that's their problem.  i know it's annoying to not be taken seriously, i hate it too, but if you know yourself and what you want, that's what matters.

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People can be such idiots! Thinking they know how you feel better than yourself...

I would advice to stop talking to those people if they make you feel lm like that, but sometimes it's not possible. So when someone tell you that, think that there is people who actually get it, even alloromantics who understand and accept.

 

The problem with some people is that they are unable to understand that something that is goal for them could bit interesting other people. Aros make them think about why romantic love is so important in their lige so they don't like that. They prefer to deny our existence than acknowledge things can be different.

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We understand!

I'm sorry you're met with this much judgment. It's their problem they feel that way, you can't fix them.

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PM me if you need to talk about anything in private with someone who understands. I know it may not seem like it, because it's a complicated situation that romantic people don't necessarily get, but there will always be someone who will listen and who will accept you for who you are. You don't need to change; you are you for a reason and that's ok. One day we will all be accepted and understood, I'm sure of it. What helped me was realising that I can actually be happy on my own and that I didn't need a relationship. Things then slowly (and I mean slowly) started to improve and I'm now beginning to accept it doesn't matter what others think if I am happy. I'm not there yet though, still working on it. I'm not out as aro though so I can't offer any experience with that I'm afraid. Not sure if this helps but please remember I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

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I've been told that you would feel the "spark" if it's the right person, but also sparks don't exist because there is no right person. I'm not trying to defend or excuse what your mother's friend is saying, but allos don't usually have bad intentions when trying to "warn" you about labels and being aromantic (it sure hurts though!). They truly believe that any lifestyle different from theirs or society's norm is just unheard of, and they want you to have what they have. They don't understand that we can't and it's very frustrating.

 

I totally understand the lack of acceptance. I'm not out, but I've always changed the topic or brushed it off whenever my love life is brought up. It's just easier to deal with compared to trying to get romantics to understand what they believe is impossible. It's probably an unhealthy way to cope with things.

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On 1/2/2020 at 10:10 PM, honeypandan said:

I've been told that you would feel the "spark" if it's the right person, but also sparks don't exist because there is no right person. I'm not trying to defend or excuse what your mother's friend is saying, but allos don't usually have bad intentions when trying to "warn" you about labels and being aromantic (it sure hurts though!). They truly believe that any lifestyle different from theirs or society's norm is just unheard of, and they want you to have what they have. They don't understand that we can't and it's very frustrating.

I think "perspective" or "worldview" is a better term than "lifestyle".

 

The issue here (as it is in other cases) being that majority/privileged group has little reason to question the idea that what happens to suit them does not suit everyone.

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