Romantic Looking for Help with My Aromantic Girlfriend

[Guest]

I've been dating my girlfriend for about 4 months, both 21 Y/o, and I just need help understanding what to do and how to be there for her. 

 

 

For background, were were flirting for a month before taking a break and realizing just how much we want eachother. During the flirting phase, she told me she was aromantic and wasn't looking for a relationship; but things changed when we spoke again after a few weeks. We confessed our love for each other and started dating and talking about a future together, when she's in the mood because she doesn't always like the lovey dovey stuff. I love her to bits and I try my best, being an overly affectionate person to control myself the best I can. And she tries to be romantic when she can. However, one thing I just can't wrap my head around or just fail to understand, is that her friends are as equal of a priority as me. And she doesn't mention to her friends that she has a boyfriend, because they would act weird as she said. I just don't know where to look or read up on how to manage with this aspect or problem or insecurity of hers. I love her so very much and she means the world to me, so I'm doing all this to better understand her. I know she can't reciprocate many feelings when I want them, which typically gets resolved when we have sex and the Romance starts flowing during and after the occasion. I'm sorry if my thought process is confusing in my writing during this, I'm just anxious and trying to seek help as best as I can. I love her, I don't want to lose her, and we want to marry eachother; but what can I do to feel better about myself or talk to her about before she says she doesn't want to talk for the rest of the night and goes off playing with her friends. Please help me

[aro_elise]

ok, first i must emphasize that aromanticism is not a "problem or insecurity"; it's an orientation.  in fact, if you need to "feel better about yourself" because your girlfriend has a life outside of her relationship with you, that sounds rather like insecurity on your part.  she doesn't experience romantic attraction and there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it.  she may well love you, but not romantically, so you have to decide whether you're ok with that.  and to me--and probably every other aro--it makes perfect sense that someone she's been close to for only a few months wouldn't be as important as her longtime friends; if you were, her friends would be justified in feeling quite offended.  if you want my honest perspective, i don't think the relationship is going to work.  speaking from experience, i had a boyfriend for 8 months, he's a great guy, we were friends before and we're friends still, but while we were dating i was super distant and uncomfortable with romantic affection.  most people would have dumped me pretty quickly (and maybe that would have been better) but he just accommodated my needs, or lack thereof.  6 months in i told him i was aro (i'd been struggling to accept it myself before then) and he tried even more earnestly to understand and make sure i was comfortable with everything we did.  he did everything right and i still couldn't deal with it.  now, as i say, this was a time when i was struggling with my feelings about my identity, whereas now that i'm comfortable with it and i know my boundaries and everything, i would be better able to navigate a non-platonic relationship if i wanted to.  so my optimistic perspective on your situation is that if both of you want to make it work then it's worth a try.  and my advice to anyone in any type of relationship is to communicate.  sorry if this sounded rude--that's never my intention--but i imagine you didn't come here expecting someone to offer a magical solution in which you change your girlfriend but not yourself and everyone's happy about it.  best wishes.

[Guest]

Hey @aro_elise, it never was my intention to refer to her being aro/cupio is a problem or insecurity, was referring to myself but got lost in the emotion above logic when writing this out. Aside from that, thank you for your insight, it really helped a lot to get a better perspective on everything. I believe you are right about how It's most likely an insecurity on my part, and I do need to adapt to her orientation and not take things the wrong way; I do love her, and I see what you mean about she loves me in her own way. Again, thank you for your time! 

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

I agree, it definitely sounds like the majority of this is a you issue, not a her issue. Of course, if you are someone who needs romantic affection specifically, and she isn't able to meet your needs on that, it might be fair to just break up with her (provided you're not, like, a dick about it ofc) and date someone who's more compatible with you. But honestly? In any kind of relationship, if you're upset that your partner values their friends just as much as you- not even more than you, just equally- Yeah, uh, there's definitely something going on there that you need to work through. And I really think you should try to do that. Even if you break up with your girlfriend and start dating someone else, if you go through life always needing to be the sole #1 priority in your partner's life, that's likely going to lead to a lot of unhealthy relationships.

Start working on addressing what it is that's making you feel jealous of her friends, and then you can decide where to go from there. Good luck!

[Guest]

Thank you for your advice, but sadly I just got finished talking and found out that she was hiding multiple boyfriends, saying the guise of being monogamous was to have more people to be physical with. Thank you for your help, and letting me better understand what aromantic means as a standalone orientation. Thank you for your time

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

Oh big yikes, that’s messed up!! I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I hope you can find a new partner who’s not a jackass.