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lseactuary

Am I Aromatic?

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I am 29yo and 'gay' (I think) male and live in London, UK. I went to a sex therapist that asked me to read up on aromatic sexuality as I am confused. It is sounding more and more like me, but, as I'm new to this, I want to understand if I am actually this or just sleeping with the wrong people. 

 

- I never had childhood/teen crushes, dates or sex. No posters of celebrities or anything. I was very academic/nerdy, very few friends if any throughout school/college/uni, and had a late puberty also so clueless about sex in general until about 16 yo (when I first wanked). 

- Had a bunch of (physical) medical issues so that took until 22yo to resolve. Got fed up of 'waiting' so just hired the hottest (at the time) escort available that was replying in normal english, banged him (I'm top only and have no interest in sucking/touching penis'), and that is where my sexual journey started.

- Joined Grindr, kept banging guy after guy. For work, I would also travel, and many hotties came my way so just kept sleeping around. Maximum is one time, only maybe 5 guys ever made it to a second time, but the second time felt weird because we would also 'chat' in between (whatsapp etc) so sometimes I couldn't even cum. I never felt intimate or romantic for any of them though, it felt more like a workout. There was some conversation to get them over, sometimes conversation after sex, but almost never meet again. I kept thinking maybe I just didn't meet someone I click with yet, but I've banged so many, I find it hard to believe now. These 'romantic crushes' end once we have sex. 

- None resulted in relationships obviously because they were so fleeting. Went to a therapist, who said I should use dating apps etc and meet for a coffee instead of just having sex. Tried Tinder etc, lots of matches, but 0 dates (actual meets). I would always find a reason not to meet (or they would) but if sex was on the table, it would happen very quickly and suddenly we both have time. 

- I never wanted to marry (still don't) or have children. 

- When people kiss or have sex on the TV or a movie or in real life, I am like good for you, then focus on finding someone to bang for myself. I prefer to kiss as a mechanism to initiate sex, not just randomly, I feel weird then. Not into holding hands. A cuddle is fine if it makes them sleepover (and I am big spoon) so I can bang them again in the morning. I am fully empathetic of relationships in movies,  have even cried in some movies out of empathy, but don't see myself getting into such a mess in real life. 

- I have 'whatsapp' friends mostly, people I chat with on any topics (but we met in person first hence became friends) who I don't have any attraction to sexually but care for as people. Similarly, I have good relations with my family. 

 

What do you think? Am I aromatic, or just unlucky with who I have been meeting so far? 

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Thank you for sharing this! I would say, based on this description, that you are definitely aromantic. Does the sex that you have with the people you meet your needs and provide you with satisfaction? It would seem that it does on some levels as you keep seeking it and you have less interest in following through with non sexual dates. I would definitely give yourself permission to just really enjoy the sort of sex you are having and dissociate it with “dating” narratives. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with what you’re doing in my opinion. It seems healthy and fun and honest! 


Do you think you’d find value in having sexual friendships where there is no romantic feeling but where there does exist a solid friendship + a sexual connection. Framing it that way may help the energy of the connection not die down after your first sexual encounter.

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13 hours ago, Michael09 said:

Thank you for sharing this! I would say, based on this description, that you are definitely aromantic. Does the sex that you have with the people you meet your needs and provide you with satisfaction? It would seem that it does on some levels as you keep seeking it and you have less interest in following through with non sexual dates. I would definitely give yourself permission to just really enjoy the sort of sex you are having and dissociate it with “dating” narratives. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with what you’re doing in my opinion. It seems healthy and fun and honest! 


Do you think you’d find value in having sexual friendships where there is no romantic feeling but where there does exist a solid friendship + a sexual connection. Framing it that way may help the energy of the connection not die down after your first sexual encounter.

 

I am top only (not into sucking penis' although tried three times for ones I felt like sucking at the time out of curiosity but didn't really care much for it) so yes, if they suck me off, and/or bottom for me, it does "satisfy" me. If I am honest, I have never really been bothered about them getting off even if they are hot, it is more about me getting off through them (as I would rather have sex than wank alone). Then once they leave, I don't usually feel anything emotionally and just move on with my life. If we happened to talk more (which is maybe 30% of guys I bang), and/or I felt more of a 'crush' towards them (which happens very rarely after sex, like 1-2 guys a year maybe), then I keep in touch via whatsapp, but with the sole purpose of banging them again, not because I want to know them on an emotional level if that makes sense. If it does become more "emotional/in depth", i.e. we discuss more personal stuff with eachother, then I 'friend zone' them in my brain and truly don't want sex with them anymore, but am happy to have a good meaningful friendship and value them that way. As most of guys never really return, I don't really have a 'sexual friendship' example but I'm not sure anymore if I can even have that type of relationship (see below).

 

I guess for a while I have been trying to 'force' myself to emotionally connect then sleep with someone (or sleep with someone, then emotionally connect, then sleep again with them) because it seems like the 'right thing to do' and I keep reading stuff like 'sex is better when you emotionally connect' or stuff like that. I don't want to miss out hence I've been trying, but it is not really working. That is why I went on a hunt to understand why. 

 

I therefore went to counselling and a relationship coach to understand why very few guys return for round 2, we tried looking through conversations and texts and examples but even the counsellor and relationship coach was stumped why someone wouldn't want to date me or at least bang again (I literally have people messaging me straight after sex saying that was hot lets definitely meet again etc). I then started to think maybe it is me who is 'unavailable' beyond sex and that may come off when I am meeting/banging them (some of the guys said it felt like they were being 'raped' because I bang them like we are in some porn video or something lol - I think it was a compliment lol). This is also why I only use apps to meet guys - because they 'consent' to the sex, I feel safer then it is just that, and I can choose who I like because I'll see them naked beforehand... I've been to clubs and stuff and I just don't feel anything for anyone (sure, there are hot guys, but I want to see more first lol). Anyhow, I was starting to feel the pressure of why I never had a bf or anything so far in my life, but after researching this sexuality type, it may just be because I don't actually want one, and that is okay. Obviously, I didn't see it as 'normal' before, hence the counselling. I also went to a sex therapist, as I felt like I was overly focused on sex with guys, she said I'm not addicted or anything - as I also came off apps for 6 months and was fine with no sex (although, I did feel more lonely in general). That said, sex doesn't 'solve' loneliness, a long conversation with a close friend does though. 

 

I also watch straight and gay porn - again no real romantic attraction to anyone in the movies - more interested in what they are doing, or the guy's physique and how I want to work harder in the gym to look like that. There are of course hot guys in porn I would like to bang if they were wanting to also (e.g. I see them sometimes as escorts, and message them with my pic, and a few times we have played free / for fun), but I have no 'obsession' over it nor any interest in sitting and eating spaghetti with them over a candle light dinner. 

 

I guess where I am struggling is, if this setup continues, I basically end up 'alone' with a string of meaningless sexual encounters. In this case, I'm better off investing in (straight) friendships that last (as my straight friendships seem to last well), perhaps getting a dog that I always wanted, and just stay fit and good looking to keep banging until I die lol. But it kinda sucks also as I have FOMO. I also want to go somewhere with someone and bang them during a holiday... ok there you go again the banging... but its just how I think. :/

 

[One example: I met this guy on Grindr, he was also top only, came over to blow me, ended up in some "intense" sex, and I topped him on his request lol. I wanted to bang him again, so kept the flirty messages up, he did come over again, but then because he is 'normal gay' he pushed for a 'date then sex' setup the second time. I just wanted to bone him but played along, but man that dinner was weird. Because of the lag between both meets, we got talking about various other topics, and I started seeing him more as a 'bro' than a 'hoe' lol. Therefore the second time I just couldn't cum (or maybe I was stressed idk). I actually just wanted to chat with him for 3 hours instead about life. We then met again, he would randomly kiss me or something, it felt weird, as we were not also labelled as bf's. I then just asked him, he then pulled back blaming me for overthinking etc, so we agreed to remain friends. Chat continued back/forth (we then lived in different countries), again my feelings as a friend for him didn't change, it was nice to talk to him about all the guys I was banging for example, this year he seems to have misinterpreted my messages as a desire for a relationship vs confusion over why his communication dropped and then he broke it off. I felt really bad, not because I couldn't bang him again, but because I felt the loss of a friend and/or someone who knows/accepts me for the way I am. But to me that was a solid friendship for whatever time it lasted, but I'm not therefore sure the strong friendship + sexual connection setup will ever work for me.]

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On 11/6/2019 at 4:50 PM, lseactuary said:

some of the guys said it felt like they were being 'raped' because I bang them like we are in some porn video or something lol - I think it was a compliment lol

Woah dude. If anyone ever told me, "I felt like you were raping me," I would be absolutely horrified. That's not something I would ever, ever want another person to feel because of me. (Not unless it was part of an intentional and pre-negotiated fantasy/role-play scenario.) 

 

What comes across from your posts here is that for you, "people I fuck" and "people I like/respect" are mutually exclusive categories. That is, once someone's moved into the category of "people I like/respect" you can't see them as part of the "people I fuck" category. If that's how you see sex and you're happy with that then hey, as long as everyone's consenting there's no reason not to continue keeping "people I like" and "people I fuck" as separate categories. If you're not happy seeing sex that way then I think you're doing the right thing by seeing a sex therapist, and you should talk to them more about why you see those two categories of people as mutually exclusive. That's kind of a separate question to whether you're aromantic; many aros (myself included) like and are friends with at least some of the people we have sex with. 

 

As for the FOMO: A lot of aros feel like we're missing out on the experience of a romantic relationship, and have concerns about what that will mean for us later in life. I feel that myself to some extent. But not having a romantic relationship doesn't mean the end of the world - and if you know you don't want one, it's not too difficult to work with that fact. I find other ways to make sure my needs are met: I have a bunch of friends for companionship and emotional support, I have sex with some of them sometimes, and sometimes I have sex with strangers. And I plan my career and life with the expectation that I won't be sharing it with any long-term partner. 

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46 minutes ago, eatingcroutons said:

Woah dude. If anyone ever told me, "I felt like you were raping me," I would be absolutely horrified. That's not something I would ever, ever want another person to feel because of me. (Not unless it was part of an intentional and pre-negotiated fantasy/role-play scenario.) 

 

What comes across from your posts here is that for you, "people I fuck" and "people I like/respect" are mutually exclusive categories. That is, once someone's moved into the category of "people I like/respect" you can't see them as part of the "people I fuck" category. If that's how you see sex and you're happy with that then hey, as long as everyone's consenting there's no reason not to continue keeping "people I like" and "people I fuck" as separate categories. If you're not happy seeing sex that way then I think you're doing the right thing by seeing a sex therapist, and you should talk to them more about why you see those two categories of people as mutually exclusive. That's kind of a separate question to whether you're aromantic; many aros (myself included) like and are friends with at least some of the people we have sex with. 

 

As for the FOMO: A lot of aros feel like we're missing out on the experience of a romantic relationship, and have concerns about what that will mean for us later in life. I feel that myself to some extent. But not having a romantic relationship doesn't mean the end of the world - and if you know you don't want one, it's not too difficult to work with that fact. I find other ways to make sure my needs are met: I have a bunch of friends for companionship and emotional support, I have sex with some of them sometimes, and sometimes I have sex with strangers. And I plan my career and life with the expectation that I won't be sharing it with any long-term partner. 

 

lol yes it was a pre-negotiated fantasy. and it was only 1-2 guys, most of guys just reply said I am nice / sexy / they enjoyed etc (or not at all if we didn't click, which is normal, you can't like 100% of people lol). 

 

Yes, I seem to have 2 buckets and can't seem to overlap the two. I am not sure if this is because of a lack of relationship ever and/or a lack of guy's returning (95% of people I sleep with is once only for various reasons) or because I actually am aromatic. I think one of the issues is that my friends (especially at this age) tend to be married / in a serious relationship etc not 'playing around' and therefore I don't even imagine sleeping with them. Also, because I've traditionally been very academic, someone I respect/get along with 'normally' usually isn't typically 'attractive' to me in that way or a 'gym goer', and the guys who are seem... well... 'vanilla' mentally lol. Hence I've not 'clicked' with someone beyond sex in order to make them a friend (minus the one example above, but then that still became a friendship vs wanting more sex) which leaves me confused. I can have banter with these guys I sleep with, but when they leave the door, or are on whatsapp, my interest starts dying out. I also saw the sex therapist to see if I was actually even liking men and she confirmed yes lol. 

 

I 100% agree that I am planning my life around career/anything else I am ambitious about, having friends for emotional support, and continuing to use the apps for fun also. I guess I was just trying to understand how others like me operate with this to then make it less daunting.

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6 hours ago, lseactuary said:

lol yes it was a pre-negotiated fantasy.

Yeah uhh you might want to make that clearer if you're telling this story in future. "A guy told me he felt like I was raping him" is a very different thing to "we agreed to role-play a guy's rape fantasy". Even in role-play scenarios nobody should ever feel like they're actually being raped

 

6 hours ago, lseactuary said:

I can have banter with these guys I sleep with, but when they leave the door, or are on whatsapp, my interest starts dying out.

What you're describing here sounds a lot like fraysexuality, have you looked into that? 

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14 hours ago, eatingcroutons said:

Yeah uhh you might want to make that clearer if you're telling this story in future. "A guy told me he felt like I was raping him" is a very different thing to "we agreed to role-play a guy's rape fantasy". Even in role-play scenarios nobody should ever feel like they're actually being raped

 

What you're describing here sounds a lot like fraysexuality, have you looked into that? 

 

There were a bunch of emoji's and lol's after... sorry for not being clear.

Interesting. I didn't realise this was a thing. It does sound like my issue. But if I am, this is worse isn't it, it means we bang once and then they go away indefnitely. Or become friends but never wanting sex with them again will make them feel like crap. 

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