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Inez

My partner is aromantic! And I'm not..

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Hi everyone,

The title says it all. After being on a relationship over 10 years (with children) with quite a few unanswered questions, I finally found out that the man I've been with is aromantic. I was relieved to finally have found the answer to most of my dilemmas (long story.. but includes depression, psychotherapy and couple therapy). I'm still in the research phase, gathering information and reading the posts of this wonderful forum. I still haven't figured out what this discovery will do to our relationship. He's the most amazing man, companion and dad. But honestly I never felt a true connection with him as a woman, feel lonely and this worries me also for the future. What puzzles me the most at the moment  is the fact that he recognizes the ABCs of aromanticism but doesn't want to go into much detail. He says he loves me and that is all that matters. I'm afraid he prefers to stay 'in the closet'. I do feel his love but it is as if I'm an old college friend with benefits.

Any advice on the discussions I should join, are much appreciated.

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Hello !

A question : Did he told you himself he was aromantic? Maybe i am wrong about what happened (seriously feel free to correct me), but if he didn't, it's better to not assume what he is. 

 

But in any case, please remember that assuming that someone is aromantic because you don't feel that great with them in a couple is not a good thing.

 

9 hours ago, Inez said:

What puzzles me the most at the moment  is the fact that he recognizes the ABCs of aromanticism but doesn't want to go into much detail. He says he loves me and that is all that matters. I'm afraid he prefers to stay 'in the closet'. I do feel his love but it is as if I'm an old college friend with benefits.

 

Hmm… well, that's his choice. To not go into detail i mean. We can't exactly push someone "out of the closet" or force words and labels on them. It's for us to choose them at our own pace. (or to not pick them )

 

I am sorry, this is probably not what you're looking for, but i am not sure i understand everything.

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2 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

Hello !

A question : Did he told you himself he was aromantic? Maybe i am wrong about what happened (seriously feel free to correct me), but if he didn't, it's better to not assume what he is. 

 

But in any case, please remember that assuming that someone is aromantic because you don't feel that great with them in a couple is not a good thing.

 

 

Hmm… well, that's his choice. To not go into detail i mean. We can't exactly push someone "out of the closet" or force words and labels on them. It's for us to choose them at our own pace. (or to not pick them )

 

I am sorry, this is probably not what you're looking for, but i am not sure i understand everything.

 

Hi Cristal Gris,

 

Thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it. You're absolutely right.. I'm not the one who's pulling him out the closet! Ridiculous indeed. But I somehow thought we could start investigating everything about aromanticism together but he's finding 100 other things to do in the evening.

 

All along, I was the one who was frustrated in the relationship. I was the one going after answers to why this relationship was not making me a happy and fulfilled woman although I loved him. I was determined not to run away from him but to understand my own dynamics as a someone who didn't have a healthy emotional upbringing. I learnt a lot along the way. The relationship got better with the years but there was still something in the essence that I couldn't understand. I didn't feel intimately connected with him, although we are the best companions. 'Funny' how he never talked about 'making love' but always about 'having sex'. Until the day I got a love declaration from an old friend/crunch. It made me shake. I told him about this and he reacted as if I had told him the mail hadn't been delivered. This made me think.. And I started searching on internet. I was the one finding out about the term, yes. I immediately understood our dynamics from day 1.  

 

Please let me know if you have any other comment to our situation. Be as direct as you can, it can only help me/us. Thanks in advance.  

 

Have a good day,

 

Inez

 

 

 

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6 hours ago, Inez said:

Hi Cristal Gris,

 

Thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it. You're absolutely right.. I'm not the one who's pulling him out the closet! Ridiculous indeed. But I somehow thought we could start investigating everything about aromanticism together but he's finding 100 other things to do in the evening.

 

All along, I was the one who was frustrated in the relationship. I was the one going after answers to why this relationship was not making me a happy and fulfilled woman although I loved him. I was determined not to run away from him but to understand my own dynamics as a someone who didn't have a healthy emotional upbringing. I learnt a lot along the way. The relationship got better with the years but there was still something in the essence that I couldn't understand. I didn't feel intimately connected with him, although we are the best companions. 'Funny' how he never talked about 'making love' but always about 'having sex'. Until the day I got a love declaration from an old friend/crunch. It made me shake. I told him about this and he reacted as if I had told him the mail hadn't been delivered. This made me think.. And I started searching on internet. I was the one finding out about the term, yes. I immediately understood our dynamics from day 1.  

 

Please let me know if you have any other comment to our situation. Be as direct as you can, it can only help me/us. Thanks in advance.  

 

Have a good day,

 

Inez

 

Thanks for the explaination. I.. suppose you would understand if i said i am not exactly the person with the biggest experience with romantic relationships haha. But i have some questions (and you don't have to answer them if this make you uncomfortable )

 

If you're unhappy with this relationship, do it really matter if he is aro or not?

Is this kind of relationship the best for you two? You said you love him but there is others kind of relationships and you don't need less love for them.

 

 

I don't want to be too nosy.

But unless he say himself he is aro (or questioning his possible aromantism), we can't assume. And that, well, is up to him. Including the time he takes (or dont take) to look it up.

I realize that you asked about his aromantism, and i make it about you. But i only have your version, so i am not sure what else to do, sorry :( 

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On 10/8/2019 at 5:13 PM, Cristal Gris said:

 

Thanks for the explaination. I.. suppose you would understand if i said i am not exactly the person with the biggest experience with romantic relationships haha. But i have some questions (and you don't have to answer them if this make you uncomfortable )

 

If you're unhappy with this relationship, do it really matter if he is aro or not?

Is this kind of relationship the best for you two? You said you love him but there is others kind of relationships and you don't need less love for them.

 

 

I don't want to be too nosy.

But unless he say himself he is aro (or questioning his possible aromantism), we can't assume. And that, well, is up to him. Including the time he takes (or dont take) to look it up.

I realize that you asked about his aromantism, and i make it about you. But i only have your version, so i am not sure what else to do, sorry :( 

 

Thanks for your feedback!

 

It is of most importance for me at the moment to understand aro's perspectives. Joining a romantic community would not give me a lot of answers at the moment. 

 

No, I'm not happy in this relationship and it would probably just me wise to break it up. But we have 13 years in common, and most importantly, three children. You don't just walk out of someone's life before working hard on all the scenarios. At least that's how I see things. And we have our harmony at the moment, it's not that I'm living an unbearable situation. And yes, I would love to be able to work with him on another form of relationship, a more honest one. The ongoing faking of all connection moments just drives me crazy. 

 

I'm assuming he's aro after knowing him quite well (as you can imagine) and having checked the literature. He hasn't come out and it's probably not ethical for me to assume he's aromantic. Experience tells me sometimes people themselves prefer not to see their own reality, it's just more convenient, whereas close people knew it all along. That's what happens to some gay man, for instance. Years later, they will assume their own nature and identity. 

 

Take care and let me know if something else pops your mind.  

 

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1 hour ago, Inez said:

But we have 13 years in common, and most importantly, three children. You don't just walk out of someone's life before working hard on all the scenarios

Make sense. I understand that. i am not urging you to break up.

 

1 hour ago, Inez said:

I'm assuming he's aro after knowing him quite well (as you can imagine) and having checked the literature. He hasn't come out and it's probably not ethical for me to assume he's aromantic. Experience tells me sometimes people themselves prefer not to see their own reality, it's just more convenient, whereas close people knew it all along. That's what happens to some gay man, for instance. Years later, they will assume their own nature and identity. 

 

Take care and let me know if something else pops your mind.  

You know him more than me, that's for sure.

 

Here is a tip if you want to explore the topic : most aros reject aromantism at first because of amatonormativity. Short story : this is the assumption that you need to be in a relationship to be happy, especially a romantic one. That romance is supperior, the ultimate goal. Many peoples think that without romance and romantic feelings you are lesser. 

 

Maybe this website could hep you?  https://www.aromanticism.org/en/basic-terms  Not because i want to ignore you, but there is only so much i can do, haha . I recommend to check the glossary and ressources sections.

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33 minutes ago, Cristal Gris said:

Make sense. I understand that. i am not urging you to break up.

 

You know him more than me, that's for sure.

 

Here is a tip if you want to explore the topic : most aros reject aromantism at first because of amatonormativity. Short story : this is the assumption that you need to be in a relationship to be happy, especially a romantic one. That romance is supperior, the ultimate goal. Many peoples think that without romance and romantic feelings you are lesser. 

 

Maybe this website could hep you?  https://www.aromanticism.org/en/basic-terms  Not because i want to ignore you, but there is only so much i can do, haha . I recommend to check the glossary and ressources sections.

That's a great help! Thanks a lot!! 

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