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sneakers

A confused hello

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Hi all!

This romantic orientation thing has been on my mind A LOT lately so I decided it's probably good if I can talk about it with someone, right? So here I am. I'm 37 years old, single for a year and a half now, and the more I think about it the less I'm in a hurry to get into another relationship. And the more I think about my past relationships, the more it seems there was always something else than romantic feelings driving me there: I wanted sex, I was afraid of missing out, dating was just what you did, it was a way to connect to people... but at best I tolerate kissing and I don't understand the idea of romance at all.

 

Lately I've made a few non-romantic but meaningful sexual connections with people and it's like I've hacked the system: do you mean I can get sex and friendship and connections, and yet NOT be in a relationship? Do you mean I won't have to find a partner EVER if I dont want to???

 

So here I am, trying to make sense of it all? To ask whether it's possible to live a full, meaningful, happy life without romance? Do I want that? We'll see.

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it's absolutely possible.  i'm only 21 but i like my romance-free life so far and i know i want it to stay that way in the future as surely as i know anything.  i look forward to everything i'll be able to do without a romantic partner or kids holding me back.

 

3 hours ago, sneakers said:

it's like I've hacked the system: do you mean I can get sex and friendship and connections, and yet NOT be in a relationship? Do you mean I won't have to find a partner EVER if I dont want to???

haha yeah, pretty cool, right?  

 

 

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Hi, welcome to the forum. I want u to know u can absolutely live a happy life without romance, there are so many other things that can drive happiness. Platonic love, sexual love (it's totally like hacking the system isn't it great), family love, love for a pet, love for a show or a book, love for your hobbies or your profession, anything else.

If you start identifying as aro and realize you want a romantic relationship, that's amazing go for it. And if you start identifying as aro and realize it fits, congrats you've figured yourself out and you can be happy. Either way you can still live life to the fullest and find out what makes you happy. :aroicecream:

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On 9/16/2019 at 1:25 AM, sneakers said:

Lately I've made a few non-romantic but meaningful sexual connections with people and it's like I've hacked the system: do you mean I can get sex and friendship and connections, and yet NOT be in a relationship? Do you mean I won't have to find a partner EVER if I dont want to???

Neo: What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets romance?

Morpheus: No, Neo. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to.

B|

 

But on a more serious note: what did you actually do to establish these connections, if you don't mind answering? It seems to me like "the system" is broadly enabling of meaningless sexual connections in a non-romantic context, or meaningful sexual connections in a romantic context, but not much else - and I'm not a very good hacker at the moment!

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Thanks for your replies! I feel welcome. :)

 

1 hour ago, NullVector said:

But on a more serious note: what did you actually do to establish these connections, if you don't mind answering? It seems to me like "the system" is broadly enabling of meaningless sexual connections in a non-romantic context, or meaningful sexual connections in a romantic context, but not much else - and I'm not a very good hacker at the moment!

Uhhh it's been a long road, but: I have two lovers at the moment.

 

One of them I got to know through friends. I have a friend that I just got to know through work, this guy who clocked that I was also queer and polyamorous (I don't know if that's a term I'd use for myself any more because I'm not... amorous. :D But polyam circles are good for finding varying intensities of relationships, because there's not the expectation that everyone will automatically board the relationship escalator of falling in love - dating - getting engaged - moving in together - getting married) and he invited me to a big party. There I met this lady who is married to the love of her life but open to playing with other people (with the husband's full knowledge and consent of course). We ended up flirting a little and she asked if I wanted to play (bdsm circles: also good for casual play partners). And then I waited AN ENTIRE YEAR because I wasn't ready, but then we talked again and met up and it's super nice, we get along like a house on fire and we've been meeting once a month or two for a year now. She's said she's infatuated with me, I've said I don't really feel that way, maybe not for anyone ever, and we're both cool with each other's feelings (or lack thereof).

 

The other lover I just met this summer at Pride. I went on Pride picnic with some queer & trans friends (queer / trans / gender non-conforming people: also often cool with non-normative relationships, but your info says you're straight so this is maybe not applicable to you). I liked him, I asked him out (I am super brave, this was NOT easy but I've tried to learn to voice my desires more clearly lately and asking never hurts if you do it nicely), we've played together once now, it was super nice and we're planning another date. (Both of these people live in another town than me, which also keeps the intensity down nicely.) He has a lot of casual play partners / one night stands, I don't know if he's looking for a love relationship but since we're explicitly nonmonogamous he's free to find that somewhere other than me and if he does it doesn't mean he has to dump me. :)

 

I've tried online dating with mixed success, but I find it's better to just go out where likeminded, sexually openminded people hang out and meet them, that's a faster way to see if you'll connect with someone.

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48 minutes ago, sneakers said:

but I find it's better to just go out where likeminded, sexually openminded people hang out and meet them, that's a faster way to see if you'll connect with someone.

I don't really know where that would be!  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'm also a pretty hardcore introvert; I tend to find social interaction with lots of new people drains my energy very quickly and I get easily over-stimulated  (I don't think I would cope well with something like a pride parade xD ) 

 

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56 minutes ago, NullVector said:

I don't really know where that would be!  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'm also a pretty hardcore introvert; I tend to find social interaction with lots of new people drains my energy very quickly and I get easily over-stimulated  (I don't think I would cope well with something like a pride parade xD ) 

Yeah. I also find parties and such pretty exhausting but every now and then I can find the energy for them! I guess for me it's been a matter of just finding a few cool people who in turn have introduced me to more cool people, etc. And it's taken a really long time!

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