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simplyaro

Aromantic depressed virgin, feeling hopeless

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I found this forum hoping to find like minded people to talk to. I'm a 27 aromantic female. I feel no romantic attraction AT ALL, but I still feel sexual attraction and strong urges. I so badly want to experience sex but I never want a boyfriend. I feel so hopeless and am left feeling very depressed. I've thought of apps like Tinder, but the people around me are saying that those are dangerous and that I'll just end up dead if I look for people on there. I feeil like these apps are my only hope, so if these are so dangerous -how will I ever find somebody to have sex with? 😭I'm so afraid that I'll always be a virgin, I want to have sex more than anything. Is there any hope for somebody in my situation to ever have sex?😭

 

If there's any other users in the same situation I'm in, it'd be nice to have somebody to talk to!

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Well... Can't say I've found a solution either, but at least I can say you're not the only one? (I'm 21, lmao)

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Same here

I tried the app Hinge but it just freaked me out bc the people I matched with were looking for a romantic relationship and I obviously am not. I am now hoping that I will become friends with someone who is open to a friends with benefits kinda thing but so far that hasnt really worked out either...

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I'm sorry, it sucks that you're struggling with this. 

 

I will say, the situation isn't entirely hopeless. There are plenty of nice people out there who are interested in having sex outside of romantic relationships. The difficulty is in finding them, and in staying safe while doing so. 

 

Ultimately? That's a numbers game. Apps are one way to increase the number of people you connect with, but it can be risky to trust a relative stranger you've met through an app. 

 

Your best bet otherwise is to keep as wide a social circle as you can. Spend time with friends, and meet their friends, and their friends. It's still not 100% safe, but it's a better bet than hooking up with randos on Tinder. Make an active effort to go to social events and meet people whenever you can, try chatting and flirting, and don't worry if it doesn't work with the first person, or the first twenty people. It's a numbers game. Don't stress about making people want to have sex with you; just keep going until you find someone who does. 

 

That's what I do, anyway. 

 

(Edited to add: If you take sensible precautions Tinder and other apps can be totally fine to use. I know plenty of people who regularly use them. Just, you know, make sure you meet in a public place, make sure someone knows where you are, keep an eye on your drinks, etc.)

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I can relate to this. I've considered myself gray-ace for a while because sex isn't the most important thing to me and I'm really not interested in a lot of sexual activities, but I do feel like I would like a sexual relationship that isn't romantic and don't know how to get that in a way that won't hurt anyone, and I'm not really comfortable doing hookups with people I don't know at all.

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Thank you for your kind responses, everybody. I appreciate having this forum full of other like minded people. Some of these dating/sex advice forums with members shoving their "save it for somebody special" bs down my throat, it just made me want to punch the wall. lol I figured that this board would be a nice ARO safe haven. ☺

 

I'll get back to you more individually soon.

 

One thing that really discourages the crap out of me: There's this dude a little younger than me that I met on okcupid two years back. I have his number and we text regularly, but not everyday. He's in a similar predicament that I'm in. We never met face to face as of yet; We've discussed but I kept stalling on it. Surprisingly, he doesn't keep persisting and still talks to me; I really give him credit for this. What kills me is that people around me are saying how it's dangerous and how I shouldn't meet him, that I don't know him. But I've been talking to him for two years. Everything has it's risks, but I'd like to think that somebody just out to harm wouldn't have the patience and keep talking to somebody for two years like this. I've talked to a few on okcupid who got aggressive with me or ghosted me cause I wouldn't arrange to meet them right away. I don't know... What do you folks think?

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I'm posting again cause I'm depressed and have nowhere else to turn. My family are big time freaking out about me going on dating sites to try and meet people online. There's really potential danger everywhere, yes. But I'd really like to hope that these sites aren't as dangerous as they are making them out to be. 

 

I'm socially inept and it's hard for me to make conversation face to face with people I never interacted with before. I thought that the apps/sites would be a useful tool for somebody like me. I explain this theory, and my family get all pissy with me. 

 

I also battle chronic fatigue syndrome, so going out all the time looking for somebody isn't always the best option for me. I thought it'd be a nice thing for somebody with my condition, to chat online and arrange to meet up in person, in a public place first. Instead of dragging my fatigued body out all the time, with no guarantee of meeting anybody anyhow.

 

To be in my situation and be told why I can't use these online options -which I feel is my only real option- wouldn't anybody feel hopeless and very depressed? 😞

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1 hour ago, simplyaro said:

My family are big time freaking out about me going on dating sites to try and meet people online.

Your family needs to chill. I know multiple people who have met their spouses through online dating sites (match.com, okcupid, etc.) and even one person who met their long-term partner through Tinder. 

 

Back in the 90s my parents used to freak out about me meeting up with people I knew online. Now, some of my closest friends are people I first met online. 

 

Yes, there are risks involved with meeting people on the internet. But again, there's plenty you can do to mitigate those risks: https://www.safety.com/10-online-dating-safety-tips/

 

(I personally don't go as far as carrying pepper spray, but the tips about meeting in public, being in control of your own transport, and letting someone know where you are, are really important.) 

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On 8/29/2019 at 11:35 AM, Philotes said:

Same here

I tried the app Hinge but it just freaked me out bc the people I matched with were looking for a romantic relationship and I obviously am not. I am now hoping that I will become friends with someone who is open to a friends with benefits kinda thing but so far that hasnt really worked out either...

Reading a review of the Hinge app your experience makes sense. Unfortunately allos tend to equate and conflate "serious" with "romantic".
Though IME Tinder also has many people seeking romantic relationships.

 

2 hours ago, simplyaro said:

I'm posting again cause I'm depressed and have nowhere else to turn. My family are big time freaking out about me going on dating sites to try and meet people online. There's really potential danger everywhere, yes. But I'd really like to hope that these sites aren't as dangerous as they are making them out to be. 

How do your family suggest you meet people?
In practice in person meetings are likely to be the most dangerous.

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Can I suggest the app Bumble? I tried to use this when I still thought I was bisexual lmao but it is super cute! You can indicate what kind of relationship you're looking for on your profile; anywhere from "something casual", "friends" or "relationship". You can see what other people are interested in as well so you can choose people who are only looking for sex. 

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@Cheerio what is your experience with Bumble regarding the indication of what kind of relationship you are looking for? Do you only match with people that have the same setting? And do people actually stick to what they indicate?

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You're definitely not alone on this!

 

I was in a QPR (or smth like that) involving sex so long ago. It was very confusing at first because it's thanks to him wanting something with me (when he said to me that he liked me it was in a very common way to start a romantic relationship and I think he was expecting one while me I was more like "I want something with u but idk what, help") that I instantly realized that I was definitely not allo lol. I told him about that right away and he has been really considerate and we ended up like that.

 

I don't know if it will be helpful to you, because I don't feel like I would enjoy sex with people I don't trust and I'm not already friends (or close) with. However, I'm also sad to lose that and I'm afraid it will be hard to find someone like that again. I want an emotional closeness that can be very hard for an allo to give to someone they're not romantically involved with. If you're "just" interested in sex, I think that it will be easier to find though.

 

I'm saying all this just to point out that: it's possible. You just have to be very clear about what you want from the start. Lots of people, surely some around you, are looking for casual relationships, it's just hard to know that they are if you don't have this kind of topic comes up in conversations (and bringing it up might be the hardest part honestly). You also have to be ready to let them go when they find a new romantic partner (at least if the relationship is only sexual).

 

Tinder-like apps might be very bad for you if you take things too personaly. I never tried them but it seems like people tends to be very picky and not patient. You just have to keep that in mind and it should be alright. As for meeting someone, I think that past a certain amount of time (2 years is definitely enough), it should be totally safe. Plus, for at least the first time you can meet somewhere crowded like a café. Of course you have to stay cautious at first but it's not THAT dangerous given the circumstances.

 

Also, meeting friends of friends is a really good idea.

 

(and I'm French, sorry for the grammar)

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On 9/7/2019 at 3:49 PM, Philotes said:

@Cheerio what is your experience with Bumble regarding the indication of what kind of relationship you are looking for? Do you only match with people that have the same setting? And do people actually stick to what they indicate?

So, like I said, I thought that I was bisexual/biromantic (and was in total denial that I was aro/ace) so I never ended up using it other than swiping left on everyone because I didn't really want a relationship romantic or otherwise😂.  I do however, have friends who love this app and actually prefer it over tinder. All of the people I know use it, say that it's great because even though you don't match with people who have that specific setting, you know exactly what kind of relationship they want without really having to ask. Depending on how big the area is, (for example if it's large), I'm sure that you'll find plenty of people who just want "something casual". The fun profile questions makes it easier to strike up a conversation. 

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On 8/31/2019 at 9:39 AM, eatingcroutons said:

Your family needs to chill. I know multiple people who have met their spouses through online dating sites (match.com, okcupid, etc.) and even one person who met their long-term partner through Tinder. 

 

Back in the 90s my parents used to freak out about me meeting up with people I knew online. Now, some of my closest friends are people I first met online. 

 

I was just gonna post about how @simplyaros parents view of the internet gave me major flashback to how I was taught to use it in the late 90s. Never use your real name! Etc 😄 nowadays the line between internet and RL is much more blurred and it's nothing strange about meeting people from there.

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17 hours ago, Philotes said:

@Cheerio Thank you for the suggestion and explanation! I might try it out, but I'm not sure yet... 

No problem! Using any kind of app and/or finding relationships like this can be intimidating, but be patient with yourself and do what you're comfortable with. 

You'll eventually find what you're looking for!

Best of luck!

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