Romantic harassment

[nonmerci]

Hey everyone!

I was wondering if some people here had to deal with romantic harassment? Someone who refuse to give up on you even if you said no, making allusions, or just make you uncomfortable by expressing his romantic feelings for you even if you don't reciprocate? Or anything ta you would qualify as romantic harassment? And did you get support?

 

I'm asking because I saw the concept being used from time to time, but no discussion about it. I hop it is not a common experience for aro people...

Also, it seems that some people think that aromantic don't challenge oppression or such things, but romantic harassment is typically something that can make us suffering, with people trying to change our mind.  And I'm not sure that an amatonormative society would recognize it a source of suffering... Sexual harasment is not always take seriously after all, so a romantic one...

[bananaslug]

Yes this is deffinatly a thing! I once had a guy in my physics class ask me out, and when I said no he proceeded to buy me a big box of chocolates instead of taking a hint. When I started avoiding him after that he had one of his friends confront me about why I wouldn't go out with him. Thankfully the quarter ended after that and I didn't have to see him anymore but he was persistent enough I'm sure it would have continued otherwise.

[aspecofstardust]

yep this has definitely happened to me but I hadn't seen it put into words before! I think as aros its probably something we are more keenly aware of than alloros.

[Guest]

Oh yeah.

 

Once, a guy couldn't take a no from me. Twice. What did he do (aside insist too much)? He told everyone that i was his girlfriend without me knowing. I was younger and I didn't really realize that it was a big deal. And to be honnest, even if i complained to my school, i am almost sure they would not have cared. After all, "romance is harmless", right ?  

 

In the end, he left my school. And only later i realized it was how bad it was. Physically cornering me? Talking about sex stuff when i was clearly uncomfortable (he was also… older. I was 13 and he was 20  ) ? Trying to buy me with gifts? Creepy !!

[nonmerci]

14 hours ago, bananaslug said:

I once had a guy in my physics class ask me out, and when I said no he proceeded to buy me a big box of chocolates instead of taking a hint. When I started avoiding him after that he had one of his friends confront me about why I wouldn't go out with him

Oh my, some people are such idiots... you're not a thing that you can buy with chocolates!

 

13 hours ago, aspecofstardust said:

I think as aros its probably something we are more keenly aware of than alloros.

Yeah this is true. Alloros doesn't even know that romantic attraction exists sometimes. Like, I saw someone say that approaching someone (not sure of the English term for that) in the street is bad because the person only want your body or sex... so it implies that this is bad for sexual attraction, but not romantic one?

 

12 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

He told everyone that i was his girlfriend without me knowing.

It happened to me as well. It was someone that I don't really appreciate as a friend too but he didn't seem to understand, and I know he had a crush on me. One day someone asked me if it was true that I was his girlfriend. Spoiler alert : no it wasn't.

The same guy was really weird any way. If he saw a member of my familly in the street, he will change his way to talk to him and follow him. It was some kind of friendship harasment maybe. And it was hard to make him understand it was bad (I think he had a mental deficiency, and he didn't understand people limits; but his twin brother is the same I think and doesn't behave this way).

It all ended after he confesses his love and I rejected him. He threatened to commit suicide when I say no. Fortunately it was by email so I don't have to face this directly, and I saw his mother in the street and talk to her about that. She then handle it (she is a very adorable person). I didn't talk to him any more after that.

[NotHeartless]

1 hour ago, nonmerci said:

It all ended after he confesses his love and I rejected him. He threatened to commit suicide when I say no.

Oh god, this happened to me a few years ago, too. In my case, it was a mentally unstable person which I had befriended. I told him we can be friends but it became clear after a while he wants "more". After he made that clear (and I said I don't feel that way for him) one day he just went out and claimed to his friends I was his lover.
I never forget the nauseous feeling inside my gut as I realized what he was doing and the way he ignored my feelings completely.
I wanted this friendship to end eventually, that's when he said he would kill himself if I left ?.

I'm very glad for you the mother of this guy helped you out; just keep your distance. Romantic harassment does exist indeed and it's really bad, makes my stomach turn.

[nonmerci]

4 hours ago, NotHeartless said:

I'm very glad for you the mother of this guy helped you out; just keep your distance.

It was a few years ago now, and I stopped talking to him since this happen. And I think his family moved in a different town. I was lucky that his mother talked to him. She is a very nice person, that's sad that such an adorable person has a son who does such things.

It seems we're not an isolate case, I had a friend who live this experience too after she broke up with her boyfriend (I think the guy had depression issues).

[aro-fae]

I've luckily not had to deal with anything longterm, but I've had a lot of experiences of people driving up to me while I'm on a walk or approaching me in public spaces (I remember one incident at a grocery store and another at my gym) and asking a lot of questions of Can I have your number, Why can't I have your number, What do you mean I can't have your number... Very bizarre things to bother a child about in public - and I do mean child, as I'm just now out of my teens and most of these experiences happened several years ago with men considerably older than me. 

Worst thing was when some neighbor showed up on my doorstep and tried to ask me on a date, when I wasn't home, and my grandmother told him off ? Like on the one hand I'm happy I didn't have to deal with it and I'm sure it made him feel pathetic, but I do worry about what would have happened had he been more aggressive. 

[eatingcroutons]

.

Edited September 1, 2021 by eatingcroutons

[Cake-Loving Dragon]

It's happened to me and, as a freshman in high school, that's kinda sad.

[Holmbo]

I've defenitly had to deal with it. It's never been in a setting which has made me feel threatened though. In one instance it was actually kinda entertaining because it was just so silly.

 

[sunny]

I know I actually shut down when I'm flirted with. It's happened recently since I've gone to college. It suddenly clicks that so much I do can be taken romantically, so I've stayed pretty far away from everyone. Not the most welcoming college experience, unfortunately. I had someone call me "cute" and ask if I could "sit in their lap" and I noped so hard I went to bed early that night.

[treepod]

This hasn’t really happened to me (maybe a point of privilege) but I am often worried that sometimes after coming out to someone as a way of stating that I’m unavailable, that person could interpret it as a phase, something they can wait out until I get over my inhibitions or whatever. Maybe I’m just paranoid, but it feels like they don’t take me seriously. If I’m asked whether being aro/ace has to do with trauma or body confidence, that seems like a red flag...

[Misanthropy]

1 hour ago, treepod said:

This hasn’t really happened to me (maybe a point of privilege) but I am often worried that sometimes after coming out to someone as a way of stating that I’m unavailable, that person could interpret it as a phase, something they can wait out until I get over my inhibitions or whatever. Maybe I’m just paranoid, but it feels like they don’t take me seriously. If I’m asked whether being aro/ace has to do with trauma or body confidence, that seems like a red flag...

I have actually been in such a situation unfortunately. Wasn't fun.Which is why I've decided to stop explaining myself. People can accept me as I am or they can leave haha

[The Angel of Eternity]

I am more prone to seeing sexual harassment as threatening. With romantic harassment, I could only see it as annoying unless it involved actual touch. If the person knew where I lived, I could easily lock my doors, turn on an alarm system or whatever and just ignore them should they decide to stop by. 

 

As far as experiences go, here's a thread I made a little while back:

 

[nonmerci]

19 hours ago, The Angel of Eternity said:

I am more prone to seeing sexual harassment as threatening. With romantic harassment, I could only see it as annoying unless it involved actual touch.

 I know a girl who ask the police for not having her ex boyfriend come near her, and broke up with him because of the way he behave. He refused to accept the break-up. Maybe people would call that sexual rather romantic, but it was because he was in love with her, in a very fusional way : wanting to do everything with her, be with her all the time; she ended it after he wanted her Facebook password. She needed space and he won't let her.

 

OK,  she was allo, but still, she needed the police to get rid of him. So I think romantic harassment can be threatening too.

[The Angel of Eternity]

5 hours ago, nonmerci said:

I know a girl who ask the police for not having her ex boyfriend come near her, and broke up with him because of the way he behave. He refused to accept the break-up. Maybe people would call that sexual rather romantic, but it was because he was in love with her, in a very fusional way : wanting to do everything with her, be with her all the time; she ended it after he wanted her Facebook password. She needed space and he won't let her.

 

OK,  she was allo, but still, she needed the police to get rid of him. So I think romantic harassment can be threatening too.

I hadn't thought of that level of extreme but if someone were doing that to me, I might be threatened if it were pushed onto me enough. With that level of neediness from that guy, though, I don't blame this girl for her reaction. Once it gets to that point, it's definitely time to activate your declaration for independence.

[Guest Amelia]

I'm not aro but I found this forum thing (is this a forum? idk what to call it) because I was researching romantic harassment because I was trying to see if my sister could press charges against a guy that I know who texts my sister (for context, to the best of my knowledge, she's also not aro) almost everyday (she can't block him because they have group chats together), has asked her out around once a month for years despite constant rejections, and is constantly flirting and making sexual comments about her despite her constantly telling him that she's uncomfortable with it and wants him to stop. Most of his harassment towards her is surrounding whatever romantic feelings of love or obsession or whatever he has going on, so I feel like if I call it sexual harassment it will exclude a lot of the harassment, since most of it is not sexual. Anyways, my point is that I definitely think this is a real thing, not just for aro people, but for all people (I'm not trying to invalidate any aro people's experience, it seems like this might be disproportionately effecting aro people, I don't know how to word things well so I'm sorry if this offends anyone because that isn't my intention). I think that after someone rejects a person or sets some sort of romantic boundary and the person crosses that boundary consistently, that is harassment and should be treated as such.

I think I also have experience with this type of harassment. In the past, I've dated men (for context I'm a lesbian but this was during my denial phase), and after a break up, or any sort of rejection which comes from me, I find that some of them (just to be clear before someone comments NOT ALL MEN I'm not implying that this is all men, I just attracted shitty people at that stage of my life because I was also kind of toxic. I'm also not implying that this is only men, I've also experienced different types of harassment with women that I've dated, just in my personal experience I've never dated a woman who romantically harassed me so I can't speak about that but I do know that it happens) will continue to act like we were still dating. Like they would continue to ask me out frequently even though I'd repeatedly turn them down. One of the worst, most disturbing parts about this was that everyone around me didn't see their behavior as wrong in any way. I was constantly told to "have sympathy", and that I should be more appreciative because I was lucky a guy was showing interest in me and other people would kill to be in my shoes. I found that people thought of him similarly to how people think of characters like Leonard from Big Bang Theory. People also did this in my sister's situation, they made ship names with her and the boy who is harassing her, constantly reminded her of how much of a good guy she was (and by extension, vilifying her for "breaking his heart"), telling her to "just give him a chance", acting like she was cold and callous (to be fair she sometimes is like that but it doesn't have anything to do with not wanting to date someone). I find that this is incredibly invalidating

Anyways, I definitely think this needs to be discussed more, because it's a huge issue and a lot of people don't understand it, so thanks for starting this discussion.

[nonmerci]

I wish it will be better for your sister. This is a real problem that not only affects aro. Aro people are more likely to notice how problematic it is because we don't have the "but you're so lucky, give him a chance" glasses.

I think she can press charges. He is harassing her. I don't know for your country, but in mine I knew a girl in high school who did it to her ex-boyfriend : after breaking up with him, he was insisting to try to get her back, and in the end the police forbid him to get close to her. I think harassment don't need to be sexual to be punished.

[squids_are_amazing]

I’m not sure this counts, but there was this boy in my school that keeps on saying I date him as a joke. Everyone kept one asking if it was true, and they kept asking if I would date him. 
 

it was really Annoying and uncomfortable for me.

Edited April 2, 2021 by squids_are_amazing

[Guest PlushPerson]

I've had this happen to me and a restraining order almost got involved

[Collie]

Yes but actually no?

I have an autistic friend. He used to make me uncomfortable, until I learned he was severely autistic and couldn't read body language, tone of voice, or take any sort of hints. We eventually became friends.

Poor guy only has eyes for me. Sometimes if you tell him stuff, he'll forget it and need to be reminded or told multiple times. We've had multiple talks about how I'm not interested in dating him or anybody. Every once in a while he'll ask me if I want to date him and I'll remind him that friendship is fine, but that we've already talked about the relationship part and that I'm entirely uninterested.
I don't get the vibe from him that he's taking advantage of anything. He is pretty genuine. 

[Tinkere]

so i was at P.E. last friday doing my normal thing walking around , and i see my friend’s ex (we’ll call him L) start approaching me. he’s a pretty chill and nice dude, (i kind of knew him, but we haven’t talked much ) so anyway i slow down cause it looks like he wants to talk to me

 so yknow we just talk a while about life, just ranting about friends and just stuff in general, he’s talking about his ex girlfriends and how they screwed him over etc and yknow we’re just telling stories for a while, he ends up telling me he’s bisexual, and i’m like “oh cool im aroace” 

so eventually he ends up asking some weird questions like “how would you rate meee” and im just like “??? i don’t know bro?”  and eventually i’m just talking about my emotional issues and he’s like “if you ever need to vent to someone, you could always talk to me…. yknow if i ever get your number….” and it just kinda got awkward from there 

THEN

THEN I SWEAR TO GOD THIS KID GOES 

“so

if you had to guess…do you think i have a crush on you or not?”

and i’m like WHAT WHERE DID THAT COME FROM and so i say “i don’t know bro i have a hard time distinguishing platonic and romantic feelings “ and he’s like “so yes, no , maybe????”

 

and i was like “maybe?????”

and he’s like

“it’s a maybe…

ok it’s a yes, i like youuuu ”

 

and at this point i’m just really taken aback like

IVE KNOWN THIS KID FOR LIKE TOPS TWO DAYS, HES A FRESHMAN SO I DONT EVEN HAVE ANY CLASSES WITH HIM, SO LIKE DID HE JUST GET A CRUSH ON ME THAT DAY, OR HAS HE LIKED ME FOR A WHILE????? (we had P.E. together last year but i never talked to him but once on the last day of school)

and then it just got really awkward cause he’s like “hhhh im sorry i shouldn’t have said that this is so awkward aaaa” and i’m like “bruh it’s okay don’t worry you’re fine” although in my head im like BRUH WHATWHATWGATWHAT

he’s like “uhhhhh do you mind getting compliments…?🥺 i’m like super bold over text but irl and facetime im so nervous hasbsbxbdb”  and i’m like “sure??? i guess????” and he’s like “you’re really cute” and i just say “thanks???”

THEN HE ASKS MY BODY COUNT AND ACTS SURPRISED WHEN I TELL HIM 0 💀 

LIKE BROSKI MAN UR 14 WHAT WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED TO KNOW 

and he started sitting at our lunch table yesterday and today my friend gavin and someone else were talking about homecoming and trying to find a date (gavin’s the dude who’s asked me out before, he’s actually pretty respectful and i think he’s gotten over me)  

so L is like “oh, yeah ,,,, there’s someone i have in mind that i wanna ask to homecoming …” 

and anyway he tries to catch my attention and just is like 

“so uhh… allie (me) … how about the dance?”

i told him “errr i’ll think about it”

AND HIS EX GF WHO SITS AT THE TABLE STARTED GOING OFF AT HIM FOR TRYING TO GO AFTER HER FRIENDS AND WHATEVER 

 and i heard him and gavin (the dude i rejected ) whispering , and what i could make out was that they were talking about how i ended up rejecting gavin and whatnot and after this whole ordeal he’s just sitting with his head down looking all mopey and sad not saying anything 

I FEEL SO BAD

I DONT WANNA LEAD THIS KID ON BUT LIKE I WANTED TO BE FRIENDS WITH HIM BEFORE I KNEW HE LIKED ME AND NOW THATS ALL DOWN THE DRAIN CAUSE ITS GONNA BE TOO AWKWARD

and like we’re probably going to have to walk together at P.E. and i’m scared like what if he thinks that we’re dating now??? he never asked me out but i feel like i accidentally said some things to lead him on now and i feel so bad what

I LITERALLY TOLD HIM SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE HE CONFESSED THAT IM AROACE AND THAT I DONT LIKE ROMANCE AND MY MANS JUST DOES IT ANYWAY 💀 

AND IM ALREADY WORRYING ABOUT ANOTHER GUY FRIEND HAVING A CRUSH ON ME SO ITS ONE MORE PERSON TO BE PANICKING ABOUT HELP

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO LIKE ME 

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE GRRRRRRR 😭

[nonmerci]

6 hours ago, Tinkere said:

so i was at P.E. last friday doing my normal thing walking around , and i see my friend’s ex (we’ll call him L) start approaching me. he’s a pretty chill and nice dude, (i kind of knew him, but we haven’t talked much ) so anyway i slow down cause it looks like he wants to talk to me

 so yknow we just talk a while about life, just ranting about friends and just stuff in general, he’s talking about his ex girlfriends and how they screwed him over etc and yknow we’re just telling stories for a while, he ends up telling me he’s bisexual, and i’m like “oh cool im aroace” 

so eventually he ends up asking some weird questions like “how would you rate meee” and im just like “??? i don’t know bro?”  and eventually i’m just talking about my emotional issues and he’s like “if you ever need to vent to someone, you could always talk to me…. yknow if i ever get your number….” and it just kinda got awkward from there 

THEN

THEN I SWEAR TO GOD THIS KID GOES 

“so

if you had to guess…do you think i have a crush on you or not?”

and i’m like WHAT WHERE DID THAT COME FROM and so i say “i don’t know bro i have a hard time distinguishing platonic and romantic feelings “ and he’s like “so yes, no , maybe????”

 

and i was like “maybe?????”

and he’s like

“it’s a maybe…

ok it’s a yes, i like youuuu ”

 

and at this point i’m just really taken aback like

IVE KNOWN THIS KID FOR LIKE TOPS TWO DAYS, HES A FRESHMAN SO I DONT EVEN HAVE ANY CLASSES WITH HIM, SO LIKE DID HE JUST GET A CRUSH ON ME THAT DAY, OR HAS HE LIKED ME FOR A WHILE????? (we had P.E. together last year but i never talked to him but once on the last day of school)

and then it just got really awkward cause he’s like “hhhh im sorry i shouldn’t have said that this is so awkward aaaa” and i’m like “bruh it’s okay don’t worry you’re fine” although in my head im like BRUH WHATWHATWGATWHAT

he’s like “uhhhhh do you mind getting compliments…?🥺 i’m like super bold over text but irl and facetime im so nervous hasbsbxbdb”  and i’m like “sure??? i guess????” and he’s like “you’re really cute” and i just say “thanks???”

THEN HE ASKS MY BODY COUNT AND ACTS SURPRISED WHEN I TELL HIM 0 💀 

LIKE BROSKI MAN UR 14 WHAT WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED TO KNOW 

and he started sitting at our lunch table yesterday and today my friend gavin and someone else were talking about homecoming and trying to find a date (gavin’s the dude who’s asked me out before, he’s actually pretty respectful and i think he’s gotten over me)  

so L is like “oh, yeah ,,,, there’s someone i have in mind that i wanna ask to homecoming …” 

and anyway he tries to catch my attention and just is like 

“so uhh… allie (me) … how about the dance?”

i told him “errr i’ll think about it”

AND HIS EX GF WHO SITS AT THE TABLE STARTED GOING OFF AT HIM FOR TRYING TO GO AFTER HER FRIENDS AND WHATEVER 

 and i heard him and gavin (the dude i rejected ) whispering , and what i could make out was that they were talking about how i ended up rejecting gavin and whatnot and after this whole ordeal he’s just sitting with his head down looking all mopey and sad not saying anything 

I FEEL SO BAD

I DONT WANNA LEAD THIS KID ON BUT LIKE I WANTED TO BE FRIENDS WITH HIM BEFORE I KNEW HE LIKED ME AND NOW THATS ALL DOWN THE DRAIN CAUSE ITS GONNA BE TOO AWKWARD

and like we’re probably going to have to walk together at P.E. and i’m scared like what if he thinks that we’re dating now??? he never asked me out but i feel like i accidentally said some things to lead him on now and i feel so bad what

I LITERALLY TOLD HIM SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE HE CONFESSED THAT IM AROACE AND THAT I DONT LIKE ROMANCE AND MY MANS JUST DOES IT ANYWAY 💀 

AND IM ALREADY WORRYING ABOUT ANOTHER GUY FRIEND HAVING A CRUSH ON ME SO ITS ONE MORE PERSON TO BE PANICKING ABOUT HELP

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO LIKE ME 

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE GRRRRRRR 😭

Honestly if you already told him you were aroace and it's still trying, the only thing you can do is to tell him that you are not interested in him except as a friend (because when it is too general sometimes people feel they are the exception 🤦🏼‍♀️). If you prefer you can also say in a conversation that as you are aroace, someone trying to date you knowing that is as annoying and disrespectful as a straight guy trying to date a lesbian (and something like this).

Anyway you did nothing wrong. As you mentioned, you say to him more than once that you were aroace so if he decided to ignore that and read what you say in a romantic way, it is completely his fault.

[Deltalorian]

I have experienced this, but I am pretty sure that person was doing it as a joke. A very committed joke at that. Basically just asking me for a solid week or two to go out with them, I was very annoyed by it. Yet somehow didn't see it as a sign of my aromanticism lol