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Throwaway 12

Can't really tell if I'm aromantic or just a horrible person

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I know I have never felt romantic attraction but a lot of you guys feel what you call squishes but I don't feel that either it's only sexual attraction. That's not to say I don't have friends or don't want them but it's more that I want them for a different reason I just have a lot of friends for in case I get bored or if I need help I don't really care about any of them. I don't even know if I should post this reading it over again I'm very obviously the worst of the worst

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First of all, not all aros feel squishes, nor do most friendships start out that way. It's also possible to have a squish on someone and be an absolute fuckwad to them or others, so there's really no correlation between squishes and moral purity. Same with sexual attraction- sexual attraction without other types of attraction isn't inherently evil, it's just something that exists.

Anyway, I don't know what you mean by "don't really care about any of them" in regards to your friends. Is it just that you don't particularly feel a need to have especially deep relationships? Because that's fine. That's totally acceptable and doesn't make you a bad person. Is it that you want them to do things for you, but you wouldn't do things for them and wouldn't be bothered if something horrible happened to them? Well... Yeah, then you might be kind of a jerk. But you can work on it.

Finally, I would like to say that "am I aromantic or just a bad person" is never a question that needs to be asked; It's entirely possible to be aromantic and still be an absolute bastard. One does not negate the other.

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19 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

First of all, not all aros feel squishes, nor do most friendships start out that way. It's also possible to have a squish on someone and be an absolute fuckwad to them or others, so there's really no correlation between squishes and moral purity. Same with sexual attraction- sexual attraction without other types of attraction isn't inherently evil, it's just something that exists.

Anyway, I don't know what you mean by "don't really care about any of them" in regards to your friends. Is it just that you don't particularly feel a need to have especially deep relationships? Because that's fine. That's totally acceptable and doesn't make you a bad person. Is it that you want them to do things for you, but you wouldn't do things for them and wouldn't be bothered if something horrible happened to them? Well... Yeah, then you might be kind of a jerk. But you can work on it.

Finally, I would like to say that "am I aromantic or just a bad person" is never a question that needs to be asked; It's entirely possible to be aromantic and still be an absolute bastard. One does not negate the other.

I guess I felt weird about it because I constantly hear that being only sexually attracted to others is bad and if you are like that you a douche a fuckboy or a sociopath for my friend like you mentioned it's actually more that I treat friendship like an exchange of services I get something they get something or i do something for them thank you for responding

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Attraction can't make you a good or a bad person. Feelings can't be bad, only behaviors are. If you are respectfull, there is nothing wrong with sexual relationships.

 

For squishes, as it is talks a lot it may seems most aros feel it but not really, we made a poll here that shows that it is not that common.

 

5 hours ago, Throwaway 12 said:

I felt weird about it because I constantly hear that being only sexually attracted to others is bad and if you are like that you a douche a fuckboy or a socio

You don't listen the good people. 😉

More seriously it can be hard when you only feel sexual attraction because of all these movies that tell you it is (yeah, I've seen a lot of romantic movies where the guy is supposed to have a bad behavior because his relationships are only sexual until he met the one girl who changes that... I hate the message in it, it is completely wrong, there is nothing wrong with sexual relationships). But believe me, there is nothing wrong with being only sexually attracted to people.

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6 hours ago, nonmerci said:

Attraction can't make you a good or a bad person. Feelings can't be bad, only behaviors are. If you are respectfull, there is nothing wrong with sexual relationships.

A douche or a fuckboy is someone who pretends to want romantic relationships to get what they want sexually and continuously hurts and disrespects people along the way to get that. That's not what it means to be aromantic. If what you want is a purely sexual relationship, and you convey that and make sure you don't disrespect the other person or people, then that is perfectly fine and healthy. 

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On 8/23/2019 at 4:25 AM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

First of all, not all aros feel squishes, nor do most friendships start out that way.

I was surprised when I put up this poll how uncommon squishes appear to be amongst aros. When most aro related articles imply that they apply to the majority of aros.

 

On 8/23/2019 at 4:25 AM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

 It's also possible to have a squish on someone and be an absolute fuckwad to them or others, so there's really no correlation between squishes and moral purity. Same with sexual attraction- sexual attraction without other types of attraction isn't inherently evil, it's just something that exists.

It's similarly possible for someone to have a non-sexual crush on someone else and threat them poorly. Which might even be seen as more morally pure than a crush with concurrent sexual attraction. Which could be a possible complication with romantic harassment.
The difficulty here is that purely sexual attraction, along with interest in non-romantic sexual relationships, can be highly pathologised. Including self pathologisation.

 

On 8/23/2019 at 4:46 AM, Throwaway 12 said:

I guess I felt weird about it because I constantly hear that being only sexually attracted to others is bad and if you are like that you a douche a fuckboy or a sociopath for my friend like you mentioned it's actually more that I treat friendship like an exchange of services I get something they get something or i do something for them thank you for responding

If you are constantly exposed to toxic ideas it can be difficult to avoid internalising them.

 

On 8/23/2019 at 10:07 AM, nonmerci said:

For squishes, as it is talks a lot it may seems most aros feel it but not really, we made a poll here that shows that it is not that common.

I'm left wondering why squishes are talked about so much when they just arn't that common.

 

On 8/23/2019 at 10:07 AM, nonmerci said:

More seriously it can be hard when you only feel sexual attraction because of all these movies that tell you it is (yeah, I've seen a lot of romantic movies where the guy is supposed to have a bad behavior because his relationships are only sexual until he met the one girl who changes that... I hate the message in it, it is completely wrong, there is nothing wrong with sexual relationships). But believe me, there is nothing wrong with being only sexually attracted to people.

It's not just movies. This trope appears throughout drama and fiction.
As well as being pushed through peer pressure.

 

20 hours ago, Chibi Sam Winchester said:

A douche or a fuckboy is someone who pretends to want romantic relationships to get what they want sexually and continuously hurts and disrespects people along the way to get that.

The deception aspect would also apply to the "nice guy" trope.


 

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5 hours ago, Mark said:

This trope appears throughout drama and fiction.

Yeah and this is very annoying. As if aro needed to be cured...

5 hours ago, Mark said:

I'm left wondering why squishes are talked about so much when they just arn't that common.

Well, I think that aros who felt it needed to talk about it, and as they get responses they thought it wa common? And that articles don't want to offense someone by not talking about it.

 

5 hours ago, Mark said:

It's similarly possible for someone to have a non-sexual crush on someone else and threat them poorly. Which might even be seen as more morally pure than a crush with concurrent sexual attraction. Which could be a possible complication with romantic harassment.

I'm not even sure that people would think it is a big deal. Harassment is always label as sexual. And I saw some feminists say things like street harassment (not sure of the term in English?) is bad because the person is only interesting in your body or in sex; which left me to wonder if they would feel it ok if they were aware that romantic attraction exists...

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It doesn't really matter how you feel about people. Treat them well and you're a good person. Treat them badly and you're a bad person. I know that sounds really simplistic, but I honestly don't see how feelings are ever more important than actions when it comes to morality.

 

 

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the only criterion for being aromantic is the lack of romantic attraction.  that shouldn't be assumed to be related to other aspects of your personality or morality, because it's not those things; it's an orientation.  personally, i care a lot about friendship, and i do get squishes, but i also have instances of purely sexual attraction--i have one right now--and i don't feel worse about it.  i totally agree with much of what's been said by the other respondents.  as long as you don't mistreat or deceive people, you're fine.  

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