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nonmerci

How QPR differs from friendship?

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So, we are discussing a lot about QPRS and squishes these days. And for what I read on different posts, some of us has difficulties to understand the difference between QPR and friendship, platonic and queerplatonic... And some of the definitions don't help (like the one that says it is more than friendship but less than romance... this is amatonormative and I don't see all this things on the same scale,  but as different things so...).

 

I think that what differs is the way people feel about their QPR, but not being in a QPR and not look in for it I can't be sure.

 

So here's my questions to those who have been in one or want to :

-what is the main difference between QPR and friendship?

-are QPR linked to squishes?

-when you have a squish, do you want a QPR or a platonic attraction (this one is because it seems that some people connect QPR and squishes, whereas some people don't)?

-how do you define QPR in your case, or how do you want it to be if you don't have one?

 

EDIT suggested by Mark : what is the main difference between a QPR and a romantic relationship?

 

 

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1. Commitment and vulnerability

2. You’d be a lucky son of a gun if you got into a platonic partnership with your squish

3. I haven’t. I just wanted me and my squish to be best friends who hang out often

4. I want a platonic partnership of physical intimacy, emotional closeness, and a cure to boredom/loneliness. I also wanna show off my partner to people I know, especially my parents

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2 hours ago, nonmerci said:

So here's my questions to those who have been in one or want to :

-what is the main difference between QPR and friendship?

I think it's also useful to ask "What is the main difference between a QPR and a romantic relationship?".

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'Hmm... Although I've never been in a QPR myself, so I can't really know what they feel like, I feel like there might be some insight to be gained in defining why I don't want a QPR.

 

To me, I don't want a QPR because... I like to be my own boss. I very strongly dislike the idea of any sort of formally defined relationship- I can't be tied down to any one specific person (or multiple people, in the case of polyamory).

Now you might think this makes me a very solitary person, but I'm not. I love my friends. I love having very close friends, I'm very committed to my friends, and I would absolutely love to live with friends someday. So what's the difference? Well... Friendships aren't formally defined. They just evolve naturally, and can change in nature without it being a big deal. I feel like once you're in a QPR, though, then you're In a Relationship, you know what I mean? You can't be in a QPR with someone unless one of you brings the idea up and you both agree to it, and then after that you're Partners, and you can't change that without like, announcing it you know. (Obviously all QPRs are different and not everyone uses the same terminology, so please forgive my generalizations.)

With friends, you don't have to formally declare the nature of your relationship, and honestly you don't really have to do much of anything. Should you do things like keep in touch with your friends, make time specifically to spend with them, etc.? Sure, if that's the kind of friendship you have. But you're not obligated to. I am extremely committed to my friends and I like to go the extra mile to support them, have fun together, and make them feel appreciated, and I would absolutely never abandon my friends at the drop of a hat, but I like being secure in the knowledge that I'm doing it because it's what I want to do at any given moment in time. It's ok for friendships to change. You can be super ultra best friends with someone at one point in time, and maybe a few years down the line you two aren't nearly as close anymore, but you're still friends. That's ok! Friendships are loose and volatile and fluid, and that's what I like about them.

Hell, even my best friend... I've known her since I was four years old. We're super close, go everywhere together, we'd totally be willing to live together indefinitely. But even with her, I know that should we ever grow less close, there's no need to formally declare it. And I like knowing that I don't have to consult her on any life decisions I make- I might do so anyway just because I value her opinion, and I certainly wouldn't up and move away without telling her, but I don't have to. I can do whatever I want with my own life. I'm not afraid of commitment, I just dislike obligation.

 

Now of course, it's not like I can do everything my way forever. I know eventually things like roommates, etc. will become a factor in what I do. I also know that no two QPRs look alike, and not all may involve life partnership or a specific level of intimacy or anything like that. But in any case, to me, the thing that makes me feel like I wouldn't want a QPR- even if a theoretical QPR I could have might in all other ways seem identical to friendship- is the act of formally declaring a relationship status, as well as in general a sense of obligation to do things a certain way and share a level of involvement in each others' lifestyles.

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6 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

But in any case, to me, the thing that makes me feel like I wouldn't want a QPR- even if a theoretical QPR I could have might in all other ways seem identical to friendship- is the act of formally declaring a relationship status, as well as in general a sense of obligation to do things a certain way and share a level of involvement in each others' lifestyles.

I...wow. I’ve been thinking a lot about whether or not I want/would want a qpr, and I feel like you’ve read my mind. 

Everything makes a lot more sense now. Thank you. 

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Thanks for all your answers!

On 8/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mark said:

I think it's also useful to ask "What is the main difference between a QPR and a romantic relationship?".

Good idea, I thought the subject is more commonly discussed but I'll add it.

 

@Jot-Aro Kujo interesting point of view. I like also the idea of letting relations evolve normally. I remember a  discussion with someone about romantic relationship, it was more about cultural differences but it was me not understanding coded things in the escalator  (mainly the "I am in love" thing, and the need to categorize with words the relationship). For me relationship evolve naturally, and I don't think that wording is that important to make things official.

 

On 8/11/2019 at 3:50 PM, Star Lion said:

You’d be a lucky son of a gun if you got into a platonic partnership with your squish

Ok, but when you want a QPR, is it always with your squish, or can it be with someone else? 

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6 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

Ok, but when you want a QPR, is it always with your squish, or can it be with someone else?

Squish and QPR’s are unrelated. It’d just be nice if your QPP was also your squish. So yes it can definitely be with someone else. Some people do say they have desires towards specific people to be in a platonic partnership with them but it doesn’t make the person their squish. Having a squish also doesn’t mean you desire to pursue a platonic partnership with them

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I have a tough time with defining things using words, oof. This is hard but here goes:

 

1. Maybe not much. I guess if I could realistically call them a companion, i.e. they hold a separate distinction from the rest of my friends, including long-term exclusivity and an understanding that we're sharing our lives together. But I guess if I was non-monogamous I would feel differently about that... But there's something that rings true about the word "companion," in any case.

2. Not really. Personally I kind of think of squishes as mostly occurring with people who are new to me. They're all about intrigue. Plus I'd strongly consider being in a QPR with one of my longterm friends, someone I've certainly never had a squish on but is nonetheless very special to me.

3. It'd be nice, but I don't really think of it as a strong want. I'm usually 100% down with whatever they want, so long as we get to be friends 

4. Physical intimacy/closeness (to a degree, probably less so than what one might consider standard in a romantic relationship) and a special companionship, as I described in answer 1. I probably would feel weird calling them simply my friend, but equally weird calling them my girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. Even "partner" doesn't exactly seem right, because people have romantic/sexual connotations attached to that word.

 

To Mark's question: For me, the distinction is I don't feel obligated to perform amatonormative expectations or measure up to someone else's romantic attraction towards me. There is just something very relieving and satisfying about saying, "this is different," because of the way romance traps me into participating in something I can't really reciprocate. From experience with people who expressed romantic interest in me (or indeed other people), I can just tell they're experiencing something that is way out of my depth, even if I can't quite say what. 
 

 

 

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18 hours ago, treepod said:

I have a tough time with defining things using words, oof. This is hard but here goes:

Thanks for your answer. I know it is hard to put words on things and feelings, but words and definitions are helping me a lot to understand concept.

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