Jump to content
raavenb2619

Using “I’m aro” as a shorthand for not dating

Recommended Posts

Sometimes I end up in a situation where all the allos around me expect/assume that I’m allo and thus am interested in romance, dating, performing romantically coded actions, etc, an expectation that makes me uncomfortable. Now, I’d be happy to have a nuanced discussion on aromanticism, romance, and amatonormativity later, in the moment I just need to escape the situation as easily as possible. Most of the time I say something like “Actually, I’m aromantic, so [your assumption about me is wrong]”.

 

Pros: it’s true, since I’m aromantic and their assumption that I’m interested in dating/romance/whatever is wrong.

 

Cons: it promotes a limited, overgeneralized understanding of aromanticism since aros can still want to date/be romance favorable/like romantically coded actions, etc. I’ve run up against this drawback myself when friends are confused by how I could like a romance webcomic.

 

Does anyone have anything better to say that’s also fairly quick and painless? (Something like “I’m not interested in dating” won’t work a lot of the time because people love to reply with “you just need to find the right person”/[insert amatonormative comment of your choice])

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The way I see it, never mind what others think. People will be people.

 

If you do want to educate someone, though, I would say that sexual/romantic orientations can vary widely. If there exist people who have heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic tendencies etc, you can tell them it only makes sense for some people to have aromantic tendencies.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't really have a solution, as I would do the same thing if I was out to everyone. Maybe say something like "I don't want to date as I am aro and can't reciprocate"?

6 hours ago, raavenb2619 said:

I’ve run up against this drawback myself when friends are confused by how I could like a romance webcomic.

For me it is a different problem here : the idea that because you are aro you have to be romance repulsed or dismiking everything about romance. You don't want romance for yourself but you can enjoy it in fiction. Just like you don't want to commit a murder but can enjoy murder in fiction.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, raavenb2619 said:

(Something like “I’m not interested in dating” won’t work a lot of the time because people love to reply with “you just need to find the right person”/[insert amatonormative comment of your choice])

In my experience this actually does work pretty well. I just say, "I don't do relationships," and I find people take that at face value. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, raavenb2619 said:

Cons: it promotes a limited, overgeneralized understanding of aromanticism since aros can still want to date/be romance favorable/like romantically coded actions, etc. I’ve run up against this drawback myself when friends are confused by how I could like a romance webcomic.

As someone who does like many romantic coded things, I agree with the Con bit.

It's something I've objected to on that basis where I've seen it used by the likes of TAAAP.

 

I've also wondered if the "Aros don't (want to) date" meme is more aro ace than generally aro.
 

18 hours ago, raavenb2619 said:

Does anyone have anything better to say that’s also fairly quick and painless? (Something like “I’m not interested in dating” won’t work a lot of the time because people love to reply with “you just need to find the right person”/[insert amatonormative comment of your choice])

My observation is that many allos don't like dating. Seeing it as a kind of "necessary evil" to getting into a relationship. Something to get over as soon as possible, even to avoid entirely.

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, eatingcroutons said:

In my experience this actually does work pretty well. I just say, "I don't do relationships," and I find people take that at face value. 

For me too. Especially since many people don't know what aromanticism is.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, eatingcroutons said:

In my experience this actually does work pretty well. I just say, "I don't do relationships," and I find people take that at face value. 

 

3 hours ago, Holmbo said:

For me too. Especially since many people don't know what aromanticism is.

 

It never works for me. Everyone always says "Ohhhh, you're just saying that because you're young! Trust me, once you're a little older you'll change your mind!" (I'm 21 btw) or "You probably just haven't met the right person yet." or "It's probably just school stress getting to you." Everyone thinks they know my feelings better than I do. I don't think I've ever had anyone hear me say "I don't do relationships" and actually accept it instead of trying to convince me I'm lying, or rationalize it as a temporary situation caused by (insert thing here). :/

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

 

 

It never works for me. Everyone always says "Ohhhh, you're just saying that because you're young! Trust me, once you're a little older you'll change your mind!" (I'm 21 btw) or "You probably just haven't met the right person yet." or "It's probably just school stress getting to you." Everyone thinks they know my feelings better than I do. I don't think I've ever had anyone hear me say "I don't do relationships" and actually accept it instead of trying to convince me I'm lying, or rationalize it as a temporary situation caused by (insert thing here). :/

I see what you mean. I was 25 when I learned about aromanticism. The only ones that haven't accepted my coming out have been some guys that's been romantically interested in me, and my mom.
One thing that might work is trying to phrase it in a positive way? Like instead of saying "I don't want to date" you could say "I really like being single. I'm very happy about it." What are people gonna say then? "No, you're not happy!" Maybe it makes it harder for them to disagree? 

To OP
I think it's OK to use "I'm aro" as shorthand. Your explanation doesn't have to represent everyone.
For example, if someone says "I'm married" as a response to someone coming onto them. That doesn't mean that everyone who's married are in a sexual monogamy.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Holmbo said:

Especially since many people don't know what aromanticism is.

Yeah, this is why I don't bother using the word, and describe my experience instead. 

 

3 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Everyone thinks they know my feelings better than I do.

...I don't tend to put up with people who treat me that way for very long. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Holmbo said:

For me too. Especially since many people don't know what aromanticism is.

If I days this people think it will change later. Even if I have to explain aromanticism, at least I can present it as an attraction.

 

11 hours ago, Mark said:

I've also wondered if the "Aros don't (want to) date" meme is more aro ace than generally aro.

I don't think so. It may be because I am not american and I translate date into "rencard", but I see it as a romantic coded activity, so I don't think sexuality affects it.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
27 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

I don't think so. It may be because I am not american and I translate date into "rencard", but I see it as a romantic coded activity, so I don't think sexuality affects it.

I second that. 

 

----------

 

To be honest… peoples always find something to say.

 

"you're aro? no you can't know that yet , you didn't try ! "

 

"you don't want to date? you will find someone today ~don't worry~ "

 

'you're not interested? Make an effort ! "

 

I...don't think a perfectly safe wording exist. Sorry.

  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...