Do most people want to come out?

[EveryZig]

So I was reading the thread about coming out stories, and I noticed that I haven't really had any particular desire to come out to anyone offline. This is partly because I haven't really experienced any of the questions a lot of the people apparently have (like "when are you going to have a girlfriend/boyfrind"), but I feel like I also am just kind of naturally secretive about my personal life. This forum is the only place I have really talked about my sexuality and such, and even that much is more like something unusual that I am trying out than something I'd always wanted to do.

Does anyone else feel like this, or do most people want to be open about it (if they could without negative consequences)?

[PhysicsOwl]

I'm pretty private about my personal life, but I would like to come out to my friends eventually. Most of them are bi, and I'm tired of them assuming that I'm the "token straight friend". I mean, I wouldn't understand a lot of their bi specific problems, but every time they assume I'm straight and I don't correct them I feel wrong. I also would like them to stop insinuating that I'm going to have sex eventually. Also, one of my friends has a crush on me, and I want to A. clear the air with her and B. be able to talk to my other friends about it. The problem is that I don't usually share a lot of deep personal stuff, so it's hard for me to open up. But I don't think I'll be super open about it when I come out, because it's personal and most people don't need to know. 

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

I came out publicly a couple of months ago and it was a freeing experience for me. People don't bother me with the questions anymore. I don't have to hide who I am now. You would think it would be easier as you get older, but it wasn't easy at all. Still, I'm very glad I came out. Good luck!

[Cassiopeia]

Haha, its not like you come out once.

 

Young closeted people tend to think you do it once, and that's it. That's not how it is. Its basically every time you meet a new person. You have to tell them, otherwise they assume you are straight. And its the same mild panic, even when you have done it a hundred times before.

 

I'm out to my parents, siblings and some of my friends. But I'm not out at work for example. Its a decision I made rationally. Are these human connections long term? Do these people tend to be narrow minded? Do they have the power to ruin my life if they decide to do so?

 

At an earlier point in my life, I was out to everyone, and it felt so liberating. I did not had to worry about accidentally outing myself, check my language in every situation. It also reduces the amount of heteronormativity and amatonormativity you face. People close to you stop asking you the "when you get a bf/gf/married" question. You can actually get to contribute to conversations, talk about your experiences. They would not try to set you up on a date with their single friend or cousin anymore. You can stop dodging the same topics, questions, situations. You can stop deleting sites like this from your browser history.

 

I want to have honest conversations with my friends, my flat/housemates, my boss.

I want them to know what can they expect from me.

 

I'm trying to shape my life in a way that being out to everyone is possible.

By surrounding myself with fellow queer people, all kinds. If I go to a job interview, I check the company's general attitude towards LGBTQ+ people. Do they have any obviously queer employees? Do they have obviously queer clients?

If I go to a get a haircut or something similar done, I'd check if they have a small rainbow sticker on the shop window. It just saves me the uncomfortable questions, the weird looks...the stress.

I want to weed out toxic people who do not accept me. Being in the closet is always uncertainty. How will they react? Are they trying to push these ideas on me because they don't know any better or because they cannot accept who I am? I will never know until I tell them.

 

It is liberating to be out.

You get to focus on important things.

Like you know, actually living and doing the kind of stuff you love.

 

I want to live my own life, not someone else's.

[omitef]

I try to be out about my sexuality and gender, but for some reason, I feel like I shouldn't come out about being lithromantic yet? I feel like people wouldn't take me seriously. I already deal with enough crap about being out as trans, and I feel like the extra burden of being invalidated as arospec would just make life worse for me.

[Lume]

Hum, I am not especially secretive about myself, so I don't have a problem to come out to complete strangers. On the other hand, I do not want to come out to people I know and who supposedly won't be very supportive and/or understanding. But while I really don't like bold statements about me (like "I AM such and such"), I do share my opinion on stuff, including love and relationships, so I guess those who know me could tell my romantic orientation. It's quite another question whether they believe me or think it's a permanent thing, though.

[aihpen]

I'm not out to anyone and don't plan to come out any time soon. Sometimes I really wish I'd be out especially to my parents because they always make those comments about me and getting a boyfriend in the future etc. I just feel like coming out would be the only way to possibly stop that, but I also know they really don't get how orientation works and I would have to explain A LOT to them. And I would have to explain it in German and I don't feel like I'm able to comfortably explain aromanticism (and in my case also asexuality) to them using appropriate German vocabular. It just seems to me like every German word I could use to describe how I feel would sound absolutely ridiculous... But I might come out one day when I've moved out, earn my own money and hopefully have a group of friends who openly support LGBTQ+ issues. Maybe. I really don't know if I will actually do that.

 

So if I would know for sure people would accept me and everything would be fine, I would like to come out, so people stop having expectations. But if no one would have these expectations of me in the first place, I probably wouldn't bother telling anyone, because it really isn't their business. The only reason I wish I could come out right now is to make people shut up...

[owl]

I'm out to some close friends (ones who I suspect to be accepting mainly because they're LGBT+ and generally accepting) but not most people. If a friend asks me what my orientation is I'd probably tell them but otherwise I don't feel like I have to tell them (unless they kept talking about me dating someone or something)

 

I don't think I'll come out to my parents any time soon because I'm still kinda young, and I don't think I'd ever come out to them saying "I am aromantic", but if they kept asking me about when I was gonna start dating etc. I'd probably just say something like "I'm not interested in a relationship"

[Vega]

I'm out to a few people about being asexual, but somehow I've not been able to tell people about being aro. Maybe it's because "what's your sexual orientation?" is a common question, whereas questions about romantic orientation are not. 

I'm not out to anyone at work or the university, I don't think it's really relevant and I really don't want to have to deal with negative consequences if they do arise. Though people at the university are generally quite accepting. 

I'd like to be able to come out to my mother but that seems unlikely. Couldn't care less about telling the rest of my family. (Except that I'm curious what they'd say.) 

[Mark]

1 hour ago, Vega said:

I'm out to a few people about being asexual, but somehow I've not been able to tell people about being aro. Maybe it's because "what's your sexual orientation?" is a common question, whereas questions about romantic orientation are not.

The concept of "romantic orientation" is not widely know, especially amongst allosexuals. Possibly for the majority of people romantic and sexual orientations correspond.

[selina]

I don't really care about coming out tbh. If people know they know but it's not like I want to tell anyone. Idk I just feel like it's none of their business (unless they're are close to me or something). 

[Whistle]

I'm one of the odd aros in a married relationship, so I look pretty dang straight to outsiders. I'm out to friends about being aro/ace, and not terribly interested in being out to my family or my husband's family (they're conservative in a way that would be condescending about it, I don't like them much, and they wouldn't really be worth the effort), but as for the general public... I want to be out- not so much for my sake- people don't bother me about things, since I look like a straight married person; but for visibility. I just think of how I didn't know aromanticism and asexuality even existed and were valid identities til after I was married, and while I wound up in a good place anyways, knowing about those things could have saved a lot of confusion earlier in life, and I don't want other potential aros and aces to feel out of place because nobody knows the words for what they feel. 

 

...Okay I mean I'm shy as hell and I live under a rock anyways and I doubt I'd be likely to spread word much offline, but I like the idea a lot in theory.

[GloomyGhost]

I haven't ever been asked if I'm single, let alone had anyone surprised about the fact that I was (with a couple half-joking exceptions from my family members), I don't come across people talking about relationships in general either. Maybe I give off a vibe that it's not my thing. I've always been pretty open about how I feel about relationships (a kinda cynical viewpoint, and it would show with me randomly ranting about how people don't need a relationship, remarks like "my horoscope says I'll meet the love of my life, pfff, I hope not", my reaction to the rare occasions my mom jokingly asked me if there was a potential someone was bursting out in laughter etc. etc.) and I didn't even know aromanticism existed...
Actually haven't told almost anyone about NEVER wanting a relationship, but it's more because I don't have a chance as the topic never comes up, I usually kinda "brag" about it when I get the chance  But I don't think there's a need to specifically sit someone down and tell them. I just won't date anyone, don't see a reason to announce it to people around me in advance (but I might do that if they start bothering me with questions and remarks like "when you get married" so that they would stop). And the fact that I don't think I am CAPABLE of feeling love (aka aromanticism) is different from not wanting a relationship and that I haven't told anyone, but again, I don't see the need, except for maybe if we get into a discussion about me not wanting to date to assure them that I really am not sad about it.
To be honest it doesn't feel to me personally like something to "come out" with (in my situation).

[Vega]

3 hours ago, Mark said:

The concept of "romantic orientation" is not widely know, especially amongst allosexuals. Possibly for the majority of people romantic and sexual orientations correspond.

Yeah, that's true. 

And now I'm kinda wondering whether people assume I'm aro, just because I'm ace, or whether they assume I'm allo. 

[PerformativeSurprise]

I tend to be very private about my personal life, so I don't feel like I need to be "out" to everyone I meet.  But I don't hide it either.  If it comes up, then I talk about it--I don't like to feel like I'm being secretive or lying about my orientation (being aro or ace).  Otherwise, I just keep it to myself.  But I certainly don't mind if people know, and a lot of people do.  I've found that I do like being open about it though; I deal with annoying questions about my (non-existent) dating life less, and I also just feel more comfortable with myself.  Another perk is the possibility of getting to know other aros and/or aces in person.  Regarding being ace, I've had a situation where I mentioned it first, and the person I was talking to then immediately said they were too  Hopefully this will happen one day with an aro, too!

[deltaX]

Part of me really wants to be open about it, but a much bigger part of me can't find a way to bring it up with my friends without it being dreadfully awkward.  I've "come out" as aro ace to a few of my closest friends, and although I'm glad I did it, I'm not sure I want to go through the official coming out process again unless I have to.  It just felt so weird to talk to randomly tell someone something so personal, and now that my closest friends know an accept it, I don't really make a point to come out unless the topic of orientations comes up naturally in conversation.

 

Plus there are my parents, who I don't want to be out to because I don't think they'd understand.  They already have a sense of who I am and how I feel about relationships, but I think there'd be a negative reaction if I tried to place the aromantic label on it.  For that reason, coming out to my parents (and by extension, people who might tell my parents) seems like unnecessary risk that isn't worth taking.

[peridotty]

i'm a rlly private person irl, like i love talking about myself but i don't really ever *say* anything (you feel what i mean) and i try not to say anything that would definitively categorize me in any sort of situation - the qsa at my school knows i'm genderfluid and ~ambiguously gay~ but no real specifics, my sister knows i'm aro but she's convinced i'm ace, my parents still think they have a cis heterosexual/romantic child, the list goes on.

 

& tbh i feel no real drive to come out to them at all. they are fully aware that there are things i do that i don't tell them & while i'm not sure they're ok with that, i know i'm ok with that bcos it honestly feels like so much work

 

tldr i prefer to be largely ambiguous bcos i feel like coming out is a lot of work but being mischaracterized is bothersome to me

[Louis On Air]

The oldest person I've (successfully) come out to is my 20 year old cousin but he didn't fully get it though (he didn't reject that it could ever exist so that's still a win) but I'll only come out to my friends and even my sister's closest friends. Otherwise one can expect the 'but love' argument (and maybe even the 'butt love' one too!)

[breaddd]

I don't usually feel the need to come out unless I want to be close with the person. My close friends know that I'm aromantic (about three people) but nobody else does, and I don't feel the need to tell anybody else either.

[arotrash]

My close friends know that I'm aromantic but I'm not interested in coming out to my family. They're not familiar with the idea of romantic orientations and it would simply be too much trouble to come out to them and try to educate them. The people I tend to make friends with are people who are already either familiar with romantic attraction or very much open to learning, so I haven't had any issues coming out to friends so far. Coming out as aro isn't a huge deal to me, it doesn't take me a lot of emotional energy to just periodically tell people I am not currently looking to date or that I don't like dating instead of trying to explain aromanticism as a concept.

[artemis]

I don't feel the need to come out, unless it comes up in conversation. I'm out to one person as aro ace at my school, and another as just ace. 

[Confirmed Bachelor]

I'm out but not under any label. I talk openly about not being interested in anyone romantically or sexually, and everyone knows this about me. I just don't use the labels. 

[breaddd]

I'm out to a few close friends. I don't particularly feel the need to come out, but if it comes up in a conversation I won't deny it.

[aussiekirkland]

How open I am is very dependant on a lot of things.

 

I only bother coming out to those I'm close to, so close friends and family who I feel it has some relevance (because it's an important part of who I am) the rest of the time I don't bother because coming out as asexual is quite exhausting and challenging.

 

That's also the reason why I only come out as asexual and not as aromantic because I'm very aware that the split attraction model isn't useful or even heard of to 99% of the population. Alternatively saying I'm asexual and not interested in relationships establishes that I'm not straight, but without people thinking I'm hopping on the "labels train" and no longer see my sexuality as legitimate.

 

So while I am more open about being asexual and it is seen as my "dominant" orientation within a real life context, my aromantic identity holds a far greater importance and shapes my interactions in an online context.

 

Ugh I'm sorry that was so long.

[Elluna Hellen]

I'm not *not* out... I just don't go around telling people basically.

 

I'm pretty sure all my friends know. I once came out to my mum by accident (I just kind of started to talk about  it, oops!) but I don't know if she remembers or cares XD. (She responded pretty well. she kind of went from 'eh, your type is just the right person' (cue the eyeroll but I can't really deny that one cause it COULD be true xD) to 'maybe you're just scared and repressing it' me: but then I'd still feel it... Mum: Yeah, that's true.) (this does sound like something I could do, by the way) to 'oh well, as long as you're happy it's all good' )

 

Oh yeah, and this one time some guy friend I thought was gay was like 'my attraction is basically 75% to guys and 25% to girls' so I was like 'oh, I thought you were completely gay!' some other guy: "Don't instantly start flirting now!" me: "I'm ace AF, so shut up xD"