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Anyone finds themselves fearing loneliness because of being aro?

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It's probably due to all the amatonormativity I've been exposed to, but I fear that when I'll be around 30(?) I'll only find myself completely alone. 'Lotta social anxiety, extreme romance repulsion, fear of any kind of animal means I'll probably find myself as the only one in my house. Plus all the QPP thing to me still holds a somewhat romantic feel to it and due to the romance repulsion part I talked about it's impossible to think about it as an opportunity.

 

Anyone else here having issues regarding this? I can expand later on this so yeah (I wrote this in 5 mins anyways)

 

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Yeah, this is something I think about a lot (or rather, try to avoid because if I imagine it for myself in too much detail I have an existential crisis). Running a home is no easy task, and having to be entirely self-reliant for housing, food, money, medicine, etc is a scary prospect because when you get it wrong, there's no one you can 100% count on to help clean up your mess. I've thought about a QPR maybe being a solution, but like you said, it can trigger my romance repulsion if talked about in the wrong way. If that's the case, the only workable solution I can see is having a bunch of friends and a supportive community, but that solution is harder for me to imagine because it's lacking the ready-made template of a romantic relationship. 

 

It's entirely possible that the best thing we can do right now is talk about this, that this is a fear we'd like to see addressed in society. Maybe if we talk enough, people will listen. 

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On 6/6/2019 at 8:12 AM, raavenb2619 said:

 If that's the case, the only workable solution I can see is having a bunch of friends and a supportive community, but that solution is harder for me to imagine because it's lacking the ready-made template of a romantic relationship. 

 

Yeah this is really the underlying issue I feel. Cause many allos are lonely too and could use close friendships. Imagine being in a divorce and having no close friends. Your only close relationship gone.

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Guest Chandrakirti

@raavenb2619 & @Holmbo, seems the best solution. Probably a happier life than being led by the roller coaster of romanticism.

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Yeah, I do think this is a problem, even now I find myself lacking of someone who could put me first place (not counting my parents), thing that everyone else has or could have in the future, having a partner and stuff. I hate that everyone wants a relationship 'cause this way everyone around me will eventually have one and I'll remain alone, 'cause people put partner before friends all the time, often even before family.

This is why I'm learning to do everything by myself, ohohohoho

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I feel this way a lot. I get the feeling that most people around me are going to want to be with their partners most of the time as I get older and I'll be less able to be close to anyone as a result.

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Guess I'm lucky there. I have a good relationship with my mother and siblings, and I intend to have children of my own. Indeed, the problem as an extreme introvert will be finding enough time alone!

 

But if I wasn't the type to be happy alone, and didn't plan to have children... I don't know what I'd do. Get a pet or ten?

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Yep, I feel you! The only reason why I agreed to be in a QPR is to make do with a bad societal situation, and even then it does trigger my romance-repulsion. But at the same time, I'd like some sort of committed lived community where we can share running a house and even adopt kids and give them a loving home etc.

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My current plan is just to move somewhere like a city and get a bunch of roommates and live the roommate life. That way, I always have friends around me! Though the problem is finding roommates I enjoy and cherish. I can't just drag my closest friends to an apartment in a city and then secretly hope they never marry so I don't have to see the PDA...Yeah my solution still has some kinks to work out 😅 Maybe if I find some aromantic roommates, now that would be the jackpot! Though almost impossible 😭 

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I don't fear loneliness... I accept it.  Not having a steady relationship of any stripe means that my only Real Life social contact  is the occasional movie with friends.  So yes, I do get lonely sometimes....

 

Then again, 30 is quite a ways behind me now, so the dynamic is different. :)

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I feel like that a lot. I don't have the romance repulsion but still a lot of anxiety and just trust issues in general.

Although I'm lucky to have great friends right now, half of them have a SO and spend most of their time with them.

But moving to a bigger city and having a bunch of roommates, like @Emerald Cheetah said, sounds like a plan ^^

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On 7/4/2019 at 2:22 PM, Madame Giraffe said:

I hate that everyone wants a relationship 'cause this way everyone around me will eventually have one and I'll remain alone, 'cause people put partner before friends all the time, often even before family.

This is why I'm learning to do everything by myself, ohohohoho

I relate to this a lot! I definitely share the fear of ending up alone in my adult life, and I really hate that so much of that fear is caused by the amatonormativity of society. I try and remain optimistic that I can find friends who will prioritize their friendship with me, or even a QPP as that's something I think I'd be interested in, but it's still scary to think about.

 

The nice thing to remember, though, is that there are a lot of us in the same boat and that we have this community to help each other out :) 

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I do feel this a bunch, i'm pretty lucky in that im more comfortable with online interactions than offline ones but still, i want people with me, someone to have in my life that i know wont leave.

My current thoughts are moving down to the little farming town i used to live, and adopting/fostering children. Possibly inviting other friends to come live with me.

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Yeah, this is a common concern among younger aros, and comes up a fair bit. 

 

On 6/7/2019 at 8:55 AM, Holmbo said:

Yeah this is really the underlying issue I feel. Cause many allos are lonely too and could use close friendships. Imagine being in a divorce and having no close friends. Your only close relationship gone.

 

I'm gonna add to this with a post I made a while back: http://www.arocalypse.com/forums/topic/1970-depressed-aro-here/?tab=comments#comment-40122

 

The older you get, the more you'll find that people appreciate the value of friendships and relationships outside of the ones they have with their romantic partner(s). A strong support network is important even if you have the perfect eternal marriage; most allos will be happy to have you as a friend, even if they are in relationships. 

 

Finding people to live with is harder, but not impossible. 

 

1 hour ago, eOrion said:

i want people with me, someone to have in my life that i know wont leave.

Just want to point out that there's never any guarantee of this even with a romantic relationship. Which again is why it's important for both allos and aros to have strong and varied social support networks! 

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I think that due to lack of understanding and acceptance about aromanticism in mainstream society, yeah, I can see feeling at least some sort of loneliness about not having a romantic partner. Although this loneliness would more be just how society feels and not how I actually feel. 

 

However if I have some close friends who I have a strong friendship with I think this mitigates or could even avert the loneliness felt. Then again, it all depends on how close you are with them and how much you feel and let it get to you about popular opinions and myths of society, for me it all depends on how they react.

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Sometimes I do feel that way, like my life will be lacking because I'm aro. I have to focus on my two best friends, the people I know I can count on to be there. Because I have them, I'm not lonely.

It also helps me to just breathe, and remind myself that God made me this way for a reason, and that His plan for me isn't to be lonely. He'll always fulfill my needs.

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