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Hi there! I'm brand new to the site; I made an account because I'm debating if I might be Aro. (mods if this topic is under the wrong category feel free to move it) 

 

I'm 100% sure I'm Ace, so I tried exploring with romantic orientation with the labels biromantic or panromantic, researching and trying to find stories people had posted, and listening to my irl friends' experiences. But neither term really sat right with me. I thought since I felt no inclination to any one gender I might just like all or most or something. So I stumbled across the label Aromantic. A lot of the stories I found I could relate to; being uncomfortable/frightened when told someone has a crush on me, feeling numb/uncomfortable/restricted while in a relationship, pulling away when your partner tries to kiss you, etc. I've only ever been in one relationship but all those things matched my experience.

 

When my boyfriend broke up with me I cried for maybe 20 minutes because I thought this would be the end of our friendship and closeness as well, but then realized how free this left me, and felt a weight lift off my shoulders. No more worrying about doing things for him or going out of my way to see him because I felt like it's what I had to do. My therapist and parents were highly confused and concerned and since then have continuously asked me if I like anyone only to honestly get told "no" each time.

 

 Sometimes hearing about romance is humorous, like when my friends lovestruckly tell me about their crushes it's amusing because it just seems so childish/foolish but other times it's boring/annoying. I've never sought out dating or someone to date-(the one relationship was pushed on me by my closest friend.) I thought I wanted to get married but as the years past I realized what that entailed it sounded less interesting I guess; for instance I forgot all about sex and blanked at the idea of making out or anything. I'd still like to spend my life with someone but I wouldn't want to have sex or kiss. Hugs and cuddles I guess sound good but anything past that I would be uncomfortable with. I'd ideally just want someone like a best friend? Basically like a SO but no kissing/sex? I don't know lol

 

Whew that was a lot of word vomit, I apologize! Any insight or anything would be incredibly helpful and would lay my mind to rest :'D 

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It sounds like what you’re looking for is a QPR (queerplatonic relationship) which most people define as somewhere in between a friendship and a romantic relationship. It’s like a close friendship with sex, kissing, cuddling, or whatever you and your partner(s) decide you’re comfortable with. Queerplatonic relationships are different for everyone, so there’s no one definition. It’s all about your wants and needs and what you’re comfortable with.

 

A QPR could be what you’re looking for. Just remember to keep an open mind and be vocal with your partner(s) about your feelings and what you want from them.

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You sound fairly aromantic to me, and even if you are still questioning and exploring the aromantic realm I do think maybe you should tell your therapist so they might look into the terms themselves. However there have been cases (some noted on here) where therapists insist on 'fixing' aromantics or are just generally rude and unhelpful. But if you have a good therapist you have a good relationship with then maybe letting them know about aromanticism might make them less concerned. 

 

On 5/11/2019 at 12:37 AM, Ei_Armoa said:

I'd ideally just want someone like a best friend?

I understand so much of what you are saying! but at this point, my personal solution to being with a best friend in a no-romo way is to have a dog and a flatmate. I am yet to get the dog, but I'm sure they shall be a far superior companion to the one who keeps stealing my dairy products and tuna. :) 

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On 5/16/2019 at 12:09 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

You sound fairly aromantic to me, and even if you are still questioning and exploring the aromantic realm I do think maybe you should tell your therapist so they might look into the terms themselves. However there have been cases (some noted on here) where therapists insist on 'fixing' aromantics or are just generally rude and unhelpful. But if you have a good therapist you have a good relationship with then maybe letting them know about aromanticism might make them less concerned. 

 

I understand so much of what you are saying! but at this point, my personal solution to being with a best friend in a no-romo way is to have a dog and a flatmate. I am yet to get the dog, but I'm sure they shall be a far superior companion to the one who keeps stealing my dairy products and tuna. :) 

 

First off, thanks for leaving a reply! I really appreciate it, trust me. I might tell my therapist about it since I've been going to her for years and she's been helpful except she was vaguely dismissal when I voiced not understanding why people would ever had sex (the start of me realizing my asexuality) to which she said "Well...its something you'd have to try first" So I don't know. We'll see! And awh man that little housing setup sounds awesome ;0; Like literally perfect. You have some close human interaction if you want but still your own space. I hope you can get a dog soon! That'll just make the space more even more cozy I bet :) 

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On 5/10/2019 at 5:07 PM, Ei_Armoa said:

Sometimes hearing about romance is humorous, like when my friends lovestruckly tell me about their crushes it's amusing because it just seems so childish/foolish but other times it's boring/annoying.

If it only was as easy like with other things we find childish and boring… sigh.

 

Romantic love is a serious matter in many other ways… that’s how people find their life partners. And it’s not boring but sad if you find yourself strangely unimportant compared to your friend’s crush they know for three weeks.

 

Really … it sometimes feels like I live in a parallel universe where nothing makes any sense. If a couple discusses things like a joint mortgage I cannot imagine how it probably has all started with the typical cheesy stuff …… maybe even baby talk. cringe. :facepalm:

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On 5/18/2019 at 11:01 AM, Ei_Armoa said:

I might tell my therapist about it since I've been going to her for years and she's been helpful except she was vaguely dismissal when I voiced not understanding why people would ever had sex (the start of me realizing my asexuality) to which she said "Well...its something you'd have to try first" So I don't know. We'll see! 

1

Sorry to interject, but I have a little bit of experience with this. (please don't let this scare you, but I think it's worth being prepared) My therapist flat out assumed I was gay for whatever reason, and when I said "I'm not really attracted to anyone," he was all "Don't worry! One day you'll see an attractive young man walking down the street and you'll just know!" I'm not seeing this therapist anymore for a variety of other reasons, but anyway, just in case you encounter a similar opposition, I want you to know that this should not be the breaking point of your relationship to your therapists. Therapists are supposed to adapt to the individual needs of each of their patients, and especially to inform themselves about new subjects they do not have a personal understanding of. She's probably trained to recognize a disinterest in relationships/sex as a possible side effect of things like depression or trauma, and so she's just encouraging you to grow. When my therapist did this to me, I just brushed it off because I thought we had more important things to talk about, but ultimately it damaged my trust in him to leave it unresolved. To help bridge the gap, I would try to explain how the labels of asexual and (possibly) aromantic help you navigate your life and get in touch with your feelings. Good luck!

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On 5/15/2019 at 8:12 PM, CloudlegtheVolcano said:

It sounds like what you’re looking for is a QPR (queerplatonic relationship) which most people define as somewhere in between a friendship and a romantic relationship. It’s like a close friendship with sex, kissing, cuddling, or whatever you and your partner(s) decide you’re comfortable with. Queerplatonic relationships are different for everyone, so there’s no one definition.

 

Here's some more links on how people have used the term queerplatonic.

 

On 5/18/2019 at 11:01 AM, Ei_Armoa said:

I might tell my therapist about it since I've been going to her for years and she's been helpful except she was vaguely dismissal when I voiced not understanding why people would ever had sex (the start of me realizing my asexuality) to which she said "Well...its something you'd have to try first" So I don't know.

 

Hmm, that's... a questionable response, yeah. A lot of people don't need to "try it" before they figure out sex is for them, so I don't know where so many people are getting that idea (it's something that gets directed at asexuals a lot). If I were in your shoes and considering bringing it up to her, I might try some trial balloon questions first, just to get a sense of what kind of reaction to expect.

 

16 hours ago, treepod said:

I'm not seeing this therapist anymore for a variety of other reasons, but anyway, just in case you encounter a similar opposition, I want you to know that this should not be the breaking point of your relationship to your therapists

 

It shouldn't?

 

...I mean, not that it necessarily should be, but I wouldn't tell anybody they did something wrong if they called it quits after that. Getting a response like that can be a pretty heavy blow, and for a lot of people, being able to trust their therapist is pretty important to making sure therapy is at all productive or worthwhile. So it's understandable that for some people that could be a breaking point.

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23 minutes ago, Coyote said:

It shouldn't?

 

...I mean, not that it necessarily should be, but I wouldn't tell anybody they did something wrong if they called it quits after that. Getting a response like that can be a pretty heavy blow, and for a lot of people, being able to trust their therapist is pretty important to making sure therapy is at all productive or worthwhile. So it's understandable that for some people that could be a breaking point.

Sorry I should have been more clear there. What I meant was that the therapist should recongnize that they are the ones who need to broaden their understanding, and if the patient makes it clear that the therapist’s opinion is a real issue, than the therapist should make an effort to change. I only approached it from this angle because they mentioned that they’ve seen this therapist for quite some time and so dropping her might not be the preferable option. But yeah if the therapist refuses to budge, than obviously choosing not to see them anymore is very understandable. I just wanted to explain how a good therapist should respond. 

 

 

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