Depressed aro here

[lonelyace]

I have to wonder how you guys can all be so proud of being aromantic. I don't mean that it's a bad thing to be proud of your aromanticism, I'm sure it's a great thing. I just can't seem to be able to bring myself to accept it about myself. 

Last night my friend texted me that I'm lucky that I don't get crushes and... No. I feel the exact opposite of lucky. 

I hate knowing that friendships are considered are considered less important than romance. I hate knowing that the only way to settle down with a person is romantically. I hate knowing that in the end all of friends will move on. Whether they intend to or not they will get married, have kids, be too busy for an old friend. They might write a Christmas letter and call once a year, but what am I supposed to do the other 363 days of the year?

i feel so so deeply about my friends but in the end it doesn't matter. My feelings, my relationships are sub par. They're unimportant because they aren't the right type of love. 

I just wish I could feel the right kind of love. That I wouldn't lose everyone. 

I don't know how you do it. 

[bydontost]

For me, the problems I have with my aromanticism come from the society around me, not the fact that (at least for now) my aromantic plans for life include staying single nonromantically and otherwise. So, yeah, some of my friends may move on, but maybe not everyone and I'll make some new ones, I'll have my family... It'll hurt when someone implies I should give romance a shot, but I'll know that I'm living a life true to myself without it. Like idk, I think not being depressed helps a lot - I'm not sure what the future has in store for me, but I don't see it as bleak..?? This may sound like empty words, but hell, there are people out there who share the same values as you, who would think of your friendship as precious, even though it may be harder to find them, when more people are focused on romantic relationships. So uh yeah. And romo love still isn't the cure to everything, ensuring that the people who feel it will have Their Person - relationships don't work out, feeling are not reciprocated, feelings fade. So idk, I don't think we're getting such a bad deal I guess

[Neir]

As someone who struggles with depression and who is also aro, I get where you're coming from. It's incredibly frustrating seeing friends of mine slowly abandon me for romantic pursuits and constantly have my family hammer my brain with "So when you get married, _____" comments. Sometimes I'm quite happy to be aro because, like Tost said, there are people out there who do stay and who do respect me. It gets to me sometimes that those people are the minority and it for sure doesn't take away from the hurt and loneliness and touch-starved feelings I get. But, I'll be honest, chatting with these folks here and on Tumblr/Discord about their lives and aro issues has been really validating and rewarding for me. Being able to share my struggles is something I love about this community and when my friends are being distant, I at least have the crutch of the online world and my hobbies. It's not a perfect system and it sometimes isn't enough to make me feel better, but I think that with enough communication with friends and society at large about amatonormativity may help us see change.

 

Thanks for coming by and sharing this. It takes a lot, I know, but you're not alone in this. Being queer (and aro specifically) can be hard right now. That's why we're fighting for change. In the meantime, we're always nearby (sometimes literally) and real allies and friends will step up to close the gap sometimes so it never hurts to be vulnerable and honest with them. I'm sending lots of hugs and support. ?

[aroalien]

i can definitely relate. i actually had a hard time accepting and am still trying to accept that i'm on the aromantic spectrum as i didn't like the thought of not feeling romantic attraction and just wanted to cling onto that i can feel romantic attraction just like other people that feel romantic attraction. especially since i'm so into the concept of love and seeing well written romantic relationships on media and wanting to have something like that.

 

please don't forget that you're not alone and im sending hugs your way

[DeltaAro]

If I could magically choose… I would prefer to stay aromantic. I’m now at an age when people get serious and think of marriage, while I have no real relationship experience. Either people were my “friends” (ok, to be less cynical there are two who don’t deserve the scare quotes). Or it was very shallow (just sex, without any illusions). How should I catch up now?

 

I also sometimes experience loneliness badly. But at least I don’t feel any bitterness or resentment that I missed a major life goal. Romantic relationships feel very alien to me. I simply do not want any. I’m 150% sure. It’s not that I just convinced myself because I didn’t get one.

 

I just miss deep, meaningful non-romantic connections.

[Coyote]

On 5/2/2019 at 2:19 PM, lonelyace said:

I hate knowing that friendships are considered are considered less important than romance. I hate knowing that the only way to settle down with a person is romantically. I hate knowing that in the end all of friends will move on. Whether they intend to or not they will get married, have kids, be too busy for an old friend. They might write a Christmas letter and call once a year, but what am I supposed to do the other 363 days of the year?

i feel so so deeply about my friends but in the end it doesn't matter. My feelings, my relationships are sub par. They're unimportant because they aren't the right type of love. 

I just wish I could feel the right kind of love. That I wouldn't lose everyone.

 

It's hard. I struggle a lot with the same things, honestly. I know that the problem lies with society, not with me, and that people prioritizing certain relationship structures doesn't mean those are inherently better across the board, but knowing that doesn't make the problem go away or make me any less lonely. I haven't quite figured out my own way of navigating that just yet, either. Like others, I use the internet a lot for socializing and writing/reading/games/etc. as hobbies, and that can help some. But I also like spending time with people in person, too. And once I get attached, it's hard to reconcile that with feeling like I'll always only ever be disposable, you know? ...It's a long-term work in progress, but so far what I've figured out in the mean time is that it helps to work your way into in-person communities in addition to finding individual friends, because then, even if individual people come and go, the community is still there. You can find some groups like this through school, hobbies, meetups, churches, professional connections, volunteering... Could even check your local library for events, tbh. Like I said, it's not a total fix, but for me at least it does help with feeling anchored.

[Mark]

On 5/7/2019 at 4:38 AM, Coyote said:

It's hard. I struggle a lot with the same things, honestly. I know that the problem lies with society, not with me, and that people prioritizing certain relationship structures doesn't mean those are inherently better across the board, but knowing that doesn't make the problem go away or make me any less lonely.

I think that minority stress is a possible factor here. Though it's something which needs to be addressed as a social and political equality, diversity and inclusion issue rather than through therapy (including pharmaceuticals).

 

[eatingcroutons]

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Edited September 1, 2021 by eatingcroutons