Amaya

Parents and Family

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What were your families reactions when you told them you were aro? My family is traditional Christan with the social get married and have kids mindset. Has there been problems with acceptance or understanding?

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I haven't told them. I once tried, but before I even mentioned being aro ace I got something along the lines of "You just haven't met the right person yet" back and then I gave up. My parents are constantly making comments like "one day when you have a boyfriend...", "I can't wait to meet your future boyfriend...", "one day when you have kids...", "when I was your age I've already been together with your dad". That's the only reason why I even wanted to come out, so they would finally stop, but I doubt they'll understand -_-

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I think my parents will be really disappointed with me...they're already upset that I'm trans and I don't want to tell them that I'm an allosexual aro.

I would expect the you-can't-have-sex-outside-of-marriage thing and I really don't want to be lectured on that :/

 

It would be really great if they took things well though :) I'm hoping that when I'm older can finally be taken seriously as an adult, they will be more understanding.

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The only family members I've explicitly discussed it (being ace and aro, although I just explained aromanticism without using the term) with are my mom and brother, but they were both good about it.  My mom was very confused, but she tried really hard to understand :) .  She never makes comments about me having a partner or getting married anymore, and sometimes jokes with me about it, so thankfully she took it really well.  With my brother it's a complete non-issue.  

 

I do feel like my brother paved the way though and made it a bit easier for me.  He's gay, so I wasn't the first to "come out" in the family.  My family was very religious growing up, and we're from a conservative, religious area, which of course made things very difficult for my brother.  But thankfully my mom at least is 100% supportive now (and not religious anymore) :D . So by the time I came out as an aro ace, my mom had experience ;).  My dad is not supportive of my brother at all, and I haven't even bothered coming out to him.

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42 minutes ago, aihpen said:

I haven't told them. I once tried, but before I even mentioned being aro ace I got something along the lines of "You just haven't met the right person yet" back and then I gave up. My parents are constantly making comments like "one day when you have a boyfriend...", "I can't wait to meet your future boyfriend...", "one day when you have kids...", "when I was your age I've already been together with your dad". That's the only reason why I even wanted to come out, so they would finally stop, but I doubt they'll understand -_-

I have the same thing. I didn't even say that I was asexual (I didn't know the word for aromantic at the time) and I was immediately shot down by my mother telling me that "I just had to wait until high school/college" and that I was a "late bloomer." She still constantly talks about when I get a significant other (referring to them as the opposite sex, of course). My Dad would laugh it off, as he already thinks I'm too young for romance (despite the fact that my friend has a boyfriend and most of my friends talk about it constantly). I just gave up a while ago, and while I'm out to most of my school friends, I try to get them to stop talking about it in front of my parents.

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25 minutes ago, Spud said:

I just gave up a while ago, and while I'm out to most of my school friends, I try to get them to stop talking about it in front of my parents.

I'm not even out to my friends, because of that. I'm too scared that if I tell one person, my parents or other people who I don't want to know, will somehow hear about it.

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7 minutes ago, aihpen said:

I'm not even out to my friends, because of that. I'm too scared that if I tell one person, my parents or other people who I don't want to know, will somehow hear about it.

I can understand that. My friend was going on about me not being straight while my mom was a foot behind her. I had to use facial sign language to get her to shut up before I had to explain stuff :ph34r:

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I'm not explicitly out to my parents, but I think they get the idea, and they just leave me to it. My sister has kids so they've got enough of their grandchild quota filled up. I don't even get comments from grandparents any more, although some of my family are under the impression that I'm dating my housemate (which we absolutely encourage because it's hilarious). I think I just have enough of an independent, blunt & apathetic personality that no one close to me would never expect me to be lovey-dovey with anyone.

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I was outed as ace to my mother because of her partner's daughter. She got onto my facebook and yeah. But no I don't think I'll be able to come out as aro to my mum or brother, since my mum has said many times "I can't wait untill you find a girl or guy, I don't want you missing out on being in a relationship the feeling is the best human experience." And can't tell my brother because he keeps secrets like a sieve holds water.

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Once I'm independent, I'll tell all. Until then I'm a perfectly normal heterosexual daughter >.>

 

But I did come out to my oldest sister, who took it awesomely. But she's good at stuff like this, so I wasn't worried :D

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My parents took it really well. They believed me since I'm in my upper 30's and don't seem to work too hard at the dating game. Luckily my sister has a son, so they can't put the guilt trip of never giving them grandchildren on me.

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I don't think I'll ever tell them because they just wouldn't understand it

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17 hours ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

 Luckily my sister has a son, so they can't put the guilt trip of never giving them grandchildren on me.

 

My brother doesn't have a kid yet, but thankfully he wants one. I feel like I'm off the hook...so he better not change his mind xD

 

9 hours ago, nina said:

Apparently, I told my them that I wouldn't be having any children when I was 3 years old :) They laughed about it back then, but now that I'm approaching my 30s, they don't find it funny anymore. I know that they're still hoping that I'll "change my mind". They also know that I'm against marriage, but I never explicitly mentioned aromanticism, so they think the reason for it is my politics, that they think I'll eventually "grow out of" as well. 

 

I can relate to this.  I've apparently claimed I would never get married from about the time I learned what marriage was, and I've also said I don't want kids since I was very young. My family thought it was cute at first too, but I think they started getting concerned when I hit my twenties and didn't change my mind.  I think even the family members who don't explicitly know about my aro aceness have given up on the subject now.  They don't tell me I'll change my mind anymore, at least. :) 

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5 minutes ago, PerformativeSurprise said:

 

My brother doesn't have a kid yet, but thankfully he wants one. I feel like I'm off the hook...so he better not change his mind xD

 

 

I can relate to this.  I've apparently claimed I would never get married from about the time I learned what marriage was, and I've also said I don't want kids since I was very young. My family thought it was cute at first too, but I think they started getting concerned when I hit my twenties and didn't change my mind.  I think even the family members who don't explicitly know about my aro aceness have given up on the subject now.  They don't tell me I'll change my mind anymore, at least. :) 

 

Me and my sister both don't want kids, and have told our parents this. She wants to get married one day though. But i was talking with her a while ago, complaining about the grandkid jokes my dad was doing. My parents are trying to down size so he'll say things like "and we'll have a spare bedroom for when one of you or the grandkids come to visit" and apparently she has not heard ANY of these. I on the other hand have been hearing them semi frequently  since i graduated high school.

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I haven't told them, they don't know I'm Asexual either. My mam thinks I should be married with kids. My dad I think may be accepting.

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My little sister has started wearing an ace ring, and she hasn't explained to any one what it is and I don't think she knows that I know what it is. But neither of us have talked about it with our family, even with each other, so I'm not sure how our family would take it. She also has friendship bracelets in multiple pride flag colors, but its hard to tell if they're for pride or because the colors look nice together, so I don't know if she's what her romantic orientation is. Once I come out, I'll probably talk to her about it, but I'm not really sure if either of us will tell our parents. I also don't know how our parents would react if they knew we were /both/ ace. We're not a family that talks a lot about our feelings, so. I hope my brother gets married and has kids, because our parents might be sad if none of us do, and it might soften the blow. 

 

(wow that was a ramble-y mess, I'm sorry. It's late)

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Being in a marriageable age (29) and being single for years, I guess they tend to accept that I will be the "crazy aunt". My mum and sister know I want to be single, and I sometimes vent about amanonormativity and how it hurts me. But I think, my mum silently hopes that I'll meet "the one" someday. My grandma thinks I am jaleous that my little sister has a boyfriend and hide it behind an attitude of "enjoying being single". She cannot understand why a person would want to live alone. Yet, when her meddlesome neighbour asked her why I haven't started a family, she defended me, pretending that I had my priorities on my career. 

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I haven't told my mom. I think she's starting to suspect that something may be up with me, as I've never showed any interest in dating anyone of any gender. She's told me that she'd be fine whether I brought home a man or woman, which is a nice sentiment but not really necessary to my situation. :P
I think she would take convincing. If she believed aromanticism/asexuality were real orientations, she'd be fine, but I'm not so sure she will believe that. 

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My family is religious and conservative, so I'm not out to them. Whenever I mention not wanting to date people, get married, or have kids, their response is always that I'll meet the one some day, and that once I have my own kids it will be different.

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10 hours ago, artemis said:

My family is religious and conservative, so I'm not out to them. Whenever I mention not wanting to date people, get married, or have kids, their response is always that I'll meet the one some day, and that once I have my own kids it will be different.

 

When you walk the walk then eventually they might belive you... maybe.

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I'm out to my mother about being ace, and after I snapped at my sister when she asked about my love life that "she'll be the first to hear if there's any development" she's not asked since. That was about nine years ago, still no development, sorry sis :D. The others in my family are cool with whatever I've got going on and don't question my perpetual single state.

 

But as an Atheist family I have no frame of reference whether your parent's Christian values will influence their acceptance of your romantic orientation, Amaya. Do you get a lot of questions about your (lack of) love life? Do you have a standard answer when asked about kids?

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I can't imagine coming out to my mum, maybe my dad. My mum talks a lot about when I'm married and have kids and asks if there's anyone I have a crush on...

My dad's similar but sometimes will say "if you get married" and doesn't really seem that bothered by it all (and he's a lot more lgbt+ accepting) so maybe when I'm older I'll come out to him.

I've never dated someone and most my friends are bi/gay so they probably think I'm gay too (because if you don't date anyone you're gay, apparently..)

 

Not out to my brother either, I think it'd be a lot easier to bring up casually but we don't really talk about that stuff, so. I wouldn't be surprised if he was aro, though..

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There's no way I'd ever tell them. Most of my friends don't know (which is best this way IMO), and I would tell all my friends, even those I don't trust at all, long before I would even start considering telling any family member.

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I just came out to my brother as aromantic. He's transphobic and homophobic, but for some reason he didn't flip out when I told him I was aro, and that I only valued building up strong friendships with people. 

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