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Cristal Gris

When your sibling in romantic relationship leave you behind?

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(I hope this is not off topic )

(cw : negativity)

So, you know the "left behind by your friends in a romantic relationship" thing? What when it happen with your sister?

 

Because unlike my friends, this is family we're talking about… My mom say that it's fine, since i will be always her "sister" (i am not really a girl but whatever) so i can't really lose her right? Well...

 

It's still hurt. It make me feel like i was just there while she waited for "better". Something i will never know (and don't want to) Oh, we still watch series together ! …. sometime. Almost never now.

When she is home, her boyfriend is too. When he is not here, she is with him. 

 

It make me feel worthless sometime. Like the "second" choice. Like i am "outdated". I feel like a wall was build between us. And she seem happy with him, i should be happy for her no? Is this selfish? 

 

Probably, i am not around very often anymore (thanks school) so she can't just wait for me. I just don't have a lot of friends.

 

Anyone can relate?

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I can’t exactly relate, but I completely understand where you’re coming from, because although it hasn’t happened to me, this is my biggest fear. Not necessarily with my siblings, because I’m not super close with them; but definitely with my best friend. We’re really close. It feels like we grew up together even though it’s only been four years. But she is alloromantic, and I’m really scared that when she gets a boyfriend, or further down the road gets married, we won’t be as close anymore. And I love my best friend (platonically, of course) and I don’t want that to happen.

 

I don’t think she would ever abandon me (for lack of a better word) on purpose, but if she got married it would just happen, because in our society romantic relationships always go above friendships.

 

That might not have been the reply you were looking for, but I hope it helped : )

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5 hours ago, CloudlegtheVolcano said:

I can’t exactly relate, but I completely understand where you’re coming from, because although it hasn’t happened to me, this is my biggest fear. Not necessarily with my siblings, because I’m not super close with them; but definitely with my best friend. We’re really close. It feels like we grew up together even though it’s only been four years. But she is alloromantic, and I’m really scared that when she gets a boyfriend, or further down the road gets married, we won’t be as close anymore. And I love my best friend (platonically, of course) and I don’t want that to happen.

 

I don’t think she would ever abandon me (for lack of a better word) on purpose, but if she got married it would just happen, because in our society romantic relationships always go above friendships.

 

That might not have been the reply you were looking for, but I hope it helped : )

Thanks for the reply ! Yeah that's amatonormativity to you, always prioritize romance.  The weird thing is : i realised i was aro after she got a boyfriend. I did not realise i was not alone until i was. (i stayed one or two years without friends.)

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My approach to this, with siblings and with friends, is to make friends with their partners! I mean, if someone gets along so well with someone I care about that they want to date them, chances are I'm going to like them too. 

 

This has actually worked so well for me that one of my brother's girlfriends became one of my closest friends, and remained so even after they broke up. I've been on several holidays with her and the guy she's now married to, whom I made friends with after they started dating.

 

I'd recommend seeing what you can do to try to get to know your sister's boyfriend, so that you can stay a big part of both their lives, and both of them can be part of yours - rather than feeling like she's now part of his life instead of yours. Maybe he likes some of the same series you and your sister do, and all of you could watch those together? 

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1 hour ago, eatingcroutons said:

My approach to this, with siblings and with friends, is to make friends with their partners! I mean, if someone gets along so well with someone I care about that they want to date them, chances are I'm going to like them too.  

 

This has actually worked so well for me that one of my brother's girlfriends became one of my closest friends, and remained so even after they broke up. I've been on several holidays with her and the guy she's now married to, whom I made friends with after they started dating.

 

I'd recommend seeing what you can do to try to get to know your sister's boyfriend, so that you can stay a big part of both their lives, and both of them can be part of yours - rather than feeling like she's now part of his life instead of yours. Maybe he likes some of the same series you and your sister do, and all of you could watch those together? 

Oh, i have nothing against her boyfriend. But even if we were friends, i still would be the third wheel… And i hate it, being a third wheel , it make me feel horrible. 

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3 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

But even if we were friends, i still would be the third wheel… And i hate it, being a third wheel , it make me feel horrible. 

In that case learning to get over that discomfort should be your first priority. If you refuse to spend time with your sister whenever her partner is around, you're essentially going to be cutting yourself out of large parts of her life. 

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1 minute ago, eatingcroutons said:

In that case learning to get over that discomfort should be your first priority. If you refuse to spend time with your sister whenever her partner is around, you're essentially going to be cutting yourself out of large parts of her life

Oh, dont get me wrong. I can spend time with her when her boyfried is around. In fact, we play games together sometime. It's fun.  I guess this is a "me" problem heh.. Feeling like a third wheel.

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3 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

Oh, dont get me wrong. I can spend time with her when her boyfried is around. In fact, we play games together sometime. It's fun

That sounds like a great start!! But yeah in all seriousness - I'm sure your sister still cares about you, and wants you to be part of her life and not feel excluded just because she now also has a boyfriend, so I'd try not to worry too much about being a "third wheel". 

 

I've got cousins who are like siblings to me, and one recently got engaged to his long-time girlfriend - I was thrilled because I've already considered her like a sister for years, I love spending time with both of them because I feel like we're all family. Someone you love finding a romantic partner doesn't have to mean you lose that person from your life - it can mean gaining a new awesome person in your life! 

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