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Cristal Gris

When your sibling in romantic relationship leave you behind?

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(I hope this is not off topic )

(cw : negativity)

So, you know the "left behind by your friends in a romantic relationship" thing? What when it happen with your sister?

 

Because unlike my friends, this is family we're talking about… My mom say that it's fine, since i will be always her "sister" (i am not really a girl but whatever) so i can't really lose her right? Well...

 

It's still hurt. It make me feel like i was just there while she waited for "better". Something i will never know (and don't want to) Oh, we still watch series together ! …. sometime. Almost never now.

When she is home, her boyfriend is too. When he is not here, she is with him. 

 

It make me feel worthless sometime. Like the "second" choice. Like i am "outdated". I feel like a wall was build between us. And she seem happy with him, i should be happy for her no? Is this selfish? 

 

Probably, i am not around very often anymore (thanks school) so she can't just wait for me. I just don't have a lot of friends.

 

Anyone can relate?

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I can’t exactly relate, but I completely understand where you’re coming from, because although it hasn’t happened to me, this is my biggest fear. Not necessarily with my siblings, because I’m not super close with them; but definitely with my best friend. We’re really close. It feels like we grew up together even though it’s only been four years. But she is alloromantic, and I’m really scared that when she gets a boyfriend, or further down the road gets married, we won’t be as close anymore. And I love my best friend (platonically, of course) and I don’t want that to happen.

 

I don’t think she would ever abandon me (for lack of a better word) on purpose, but if she got married it would just happen, because in our society romantic relationships always go above friendships.

 

That might not have been the reply you were looking for, but I hope it helped : )

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5 hours ago, CloudlegtheVolcano said:

I can’t exactly relate, but I completely understand where you’re coming from, because although it hasn’t happened to me, this is my biggest fear. Not necessarily with my siblings, because I’m not super close with them; but definitely with my best friend. We’re really close. It feels like we grew up together even though it’s only been four years. But she is alloromantic, and I’m really scared that when she gets a boyfriend, or further down the road gets married, we won’t be as close anymore. And I love my best friend (platonically, of course) and I don’t want that to happen.

 

I don’t think she would ever abandon me (for lack of a better word) on purpose, but if she got married it would just happen, because in our society romantic relationships always go above friendships.

 

That might not have been the reply you were looking for, but I hope it helped : )

Thanks for the reply ! Yeah that's amatonormativity to you, always prioritize romance.  The weird thing is : i realised i was aro after she got a boyfriend. I did not realise i was not alone until i was. (i stayed one or two years without friends.)

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My approach to this, with siblings and with friends, is to make friends with their partners! I mean, if someone gets along so well with someone I care about that they want to date them, chances are I'm going to like them too. 

 

This has actually worked so well for me that one of my brother's girlfriends became one of my closest friends, and remained so even after they broke up. I've been on several holidays with her and the guy she's now married to, whom I made friends with after they started dating.

 

I'd recommend seeing what you can do to try to get to know your sister's boyfriend, so that you can stay a big part of both their lives, and both of them can be part of yours - rather than feeling like she's now part of his life instead of yours. Maybe he likes some of the same series you and your sister do, and all of you could watch those together? 

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1 hour ago, eatingcroutons said:

My approach to this, with siblings and with friends, is to make friends with their partners! I mean, if someone gets along so well with someone I care about that they want to date them, chances are I'm going to like them too.  

 

This has actually worked so well for me that one of my brother's girlfriends became one of my closest friends, and remained so even after they broke up. I've been on several holidays with her and the guy she's now married to, whom I made friends with after they started dating.

 

I'd recommend seeing what you can do to try to get to know your sister's boyfriend, so that you can stay a big part of both their lives, and both of them can be part of yours - rather than feeling like she's now part of his life instead of yours. Maybe he likes some of the same series you and your sister do, and all of you could watch those together? 

Oh, i have nothing against her boyfriend. But even if we were friends, i still would be the third wheel… And i hate it, being a third wheel , it make me feel horrible. 

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3 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

But even if we were friends, i still would be the third wheel… And i hate it, being a third wheel , it make me feel horrible. 

In that case learning to get over that discomfort should be your first priority. If you refuse to spend time with your sister whenever her partner is around, you're essentially going to be cutting yourself out of large parts of her life. 

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1 minute ago, eatingcroutons said:

In that case learning to get over that discomfort should be your first priority. If you refuse to spend time with your sister whenever her partner is around, you're essentially going to be cutting yourself out of large parts of her life

Oh, dont get me wrong. I can spend time with her when her boyfried is around. In fact, we play games together sometime. It's fun.  I guess this is a "me" problem heh.. Feeling like a third wheel.

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3 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

Oh, dont get me wrong. I can spend time with her when her boyfried is around. In fact, we play games together sometime. It's fun

That sounds like a great start!! But yeah in all seriousness - I'm sure your sister still cares about you, and wants you to be part of her life and not feel excluded just because she now also has a boyfriend, so I'd try not to worry too much about being a "third wheel". 

 

I've got cousins who are like siblings to me, and one recently got engaged to his long-time girlfriend - I was thrilled because I've already considered her like a sister for years, I love spending time with both of them because I feel like we're all family. Someone you love finding a romantic partner doesn't have to mean you lose that person from your life - it can mean gaining a new awesome person in your life! 

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I understand how you must be feeling. Siblings are such an important part of life. I think though that sibling relationships will change a lot during a lifetime, it will not always be the same.
I agree with @eatingcroutons that you should try not to feel about about hanging out with her together with her partner. If you feel like the third wheel, make a lot of inside jokes with her so he feels like the third wheel instead! No, just kidding. Maybe if you try to think of her partner as your friend, separate from her it would help? You can try to find if there are any things you have in common that you don't have with your sister and try to make a connection with that.

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I relate to that a lot, when my sister got a boyfriend I couldn't stand him at the beginning. After all he stole my sister and he was the person she spent the most time with.

Then they moved together and I saw her even less (maybe once a month) and we just grew apart and it hurt.

Right now we're growing closer again, because I'm studying close to where she lives and we can hang out more, but I sometimes feel like I don't know her.

I get along now with her boyfriend, after I got over the jealousy that he got to spend so much time with her, but it still hurts sometimes.

My advice is, talk to her.

Talk to her about your feelings of being left behind and being second choice, I know I should've done that.

Maybe she can relieve your fears a bit or she realizes that you could spend more time together.

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6 hours ago, Aliyiah said:

My advice is, talk to her.

Talk to her about your feelings of being left behind and being second choice, I know I should've done that.

Thank you for the advice.

But this is not simple… it feel like a wall separate us. I love her but i can't really speak about feelings with her. I guess we aren't THAT close.

 

I think i will just deal with it.

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