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lonelyace

so I guess I'm going on a date?

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Just what the title says: I guess I'm going on a date today.

 

For context, I'm in college and I've never once been on a date, never kissed, never held hands, never done anything even remotely romantic or sexual in nature. There's a guy in my Spanish 122 class that I went to high school with. Although I don't think we ever spoke to each other during that time, when my Spanish class started, he started talking to me like he knew me. Last week he asked me if he could ask me out, and yesterday he asked me to get coffee with him. We're doing that later today.

 

Here's the thing: I don't know how I feel about all of this. I know for a fact that I'm asexual, and I strongly suspect that I'm aromantic. I spent a long time telling myself that I shouldn't commit to that label until I at least tried dating, but in the last few months I've begun to accept it. I realized that if I still can't comprehend romantic attraction, I probably never will. On top of that, I lean more towards femininity. I find girls to be gorgeous and guys to be mediocre, and I could only really imagine myself long term with a woman whether that turned out to be as a qpr or as a romantic relationship. But still, when this guy asked me out, I agreed. 

 

I've talked to a few friends and they also think that I should try this out, but I still feel bad. I feel bad going into this knowing that for me this is nothing more than an experiment when this guy probably actually like me. (Which is another thing that's hard for me to comprehend since that's never happened to me before. But that's a whole different issue.) I feel bad knowing that I don't even particularly view this guy as a friend when he wants me to be, what, his girlfriend?

 

Here's another thing, the school we went to together was a private Christian school. It's the type of place that breeds racist, homophobic kids who think those types of things are funny. He hasn't yet said anything that showed him to be an asshole, but I still don't feel comfortable telling him about my asexuality. I don't know how much he expects from me but it's probably ore than I'm comfortable with. Maybe I'm underestimating him, but I can't help but feel like saying hey I'm asexual would not go well.

 

That ties into the fact that I've spent the last year or two really embracing and building up  the queer part of my identity. I haven't told many people about this because I actually don't want to stop being viewed as queer. How weird and backwards is that?

 

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

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Hmm. Bear in mind that I have a dearth of experience in this area, but it occurs to me that you may be overthinking things here! Sounds like this guy barely knows you, but is attracted to you, and asked you on a date to get to know you better. Sounds fairly standard to me. I don't really see an issue with you going along with it for one date to see what happens (I mean, if you want to - not based on other people pressuring you into it!). If you're not really feeling into it during/after the date then just say something like that I guess. You don't really owe him a detailed explanation as to why not after just one date. If he acts like an asshole about it, well, good to know that you dodged a bullet there and you don't have to speak to him again!

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The fact that he started talking to you like he knew you but never spoke to you in high school probably means he is seeking familiarity, or he might feel out of depth in the Spanish class (My friend's high school ex was in one of my university classes and tried to be all friendly, I shut that down fast and he seemed super surprised)....or maybe he just feels more free and confident in approaching you.....

Apparently it is a thing to go on a few dates then tell the other person if there is a 'spark' or not, if they are cool with no 'spark' on your side it is still fine to keep going out to see what happens. I have only heard of people in their early 20s doing this so it probably has something to do with curiosity and experimentation being accepted and prevalent amongst the people I know.

So I guess the best thing is to be honest, but that doesn't mean you have to cut your interaction short if you do in fact want to explore a relationship. Definitely be honest about what you are comfortable with and what you are not. Talking about not wanting sex could be a good way to measure whether he will be a safe person to come out to, but beware if he just assumes you are shy and he can eventually wear you down.

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@NullVector @Apathetic Echidna Thank you for the input. If you're at all interested in an update on the situation, here it is. If you're not interested then obviously you don't have to keep reading.

 

I went on a date with the guy and oh boy did it blow up in my face. We went to lunch and it was fine. Then the next day I got a text from a friend about him. Apparently someone told him that I was a lesbian, and he freaked out. He texted someone who is currently my friend and was friends with him years ago, asking about me. You know, rather than just asking me. He proceeded to be very homophobic, and when my friend outed himself as trans, this guy became aggressively transphobic as well. When I tried to talk to him he claimed that he was just joking around with my friend. Yeah, I won't be talking to this guy again.

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@lonelyace Wow, so he turned out to be a total asshole after all. I'm just glad you discovered his mindset this early and can forget about him now. Guess it still was an experience for you, although unfortunately not a pleasant one. But you got away with only a few scratches, at least.
 

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@lonelyace yeah, not a very pleasant experience I guess, but sounds like you handled it fine from your side :)

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@lonelyace wow, sounds like you dodged a bullet there. Now you know his true character and can avoid his toxic presence. 

Just my own thoughts but he probably didn't like you very much to believe some gossip rumour about you being lesbian when you had already accepted to go out. 

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