Jump to content
Anything_but_allo

The power of pressure on aromantics and on single people

Recommended Posts

Hello everyone! I’m brand new here to this site, and it’s hoenstly lovely being here and seeing how many people I relate to. Today I just wanted to post a little rant, sorry if it goes on for long but it’s been a nagging frustration I’ve had for the longest time, heck, even before identified as aro. So, I suppose let’s begin: pressure to get married or be in a relationship in this society is so powerful and it effects aromantics and even single allos so much, and that honestly makes me so angry. I’ve seen my friends fall victim to this type of pressure and normalization of being “coupled up” and at a pretty darn young age (age demographic is around 13-15.) but I’ve seen first hand how stressed this makes people at my school feel and how they constantly talk about how hurt they were by so and so, how they got cheated on, how many partners they been through and can’t seem to find the right one etc. While I’m over here just talking to a friend about super smash ultimate. So that got me really thinking, “why do people think being in a relationship is the most amazing thing in the world? Why do people say that single people are miserable and are losers?” Because the sad thing is, I personally think it’s quite the opposite for many people. Now I’m no way am I saying those in healthy romantic relationships are in a horrible position or are idiotic for being there, it’s great that they found something like that. It’s just shocking how this society almost wants others to be stressed and in the same emotional pain as them, almost like that’s why relationships are forced to such an extreme. I remember when I tried frantically looking for a boyfriend because for my age it was deemed, “normal.” And now that I’ve realized i’m Aro and that I don’t feel romantic attraction, honestly, I’ve never been happier with my identity and lifestyle (although I still struggle with issues, dating and relationships problems are not even on the list of issues) sorry, I know this rant was pretty hefty but I jsut wanted to get some things off my chest. All I want to say is, although being aromantic has its cons, it definitly has its pros. And once again I’m not at all bashing people that are in these situations, I hoenstly feel very sad that they have to go through that and that unfortunately their minds have been indoctrinated with this dire “necessity” to be in a relationship. Thank you all so much for listening, I’m excited to make new friends and listen to what you all have to say! Bye-bye 💚

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

First: hello to you and welcome :aroicecream:.
Second:

2 hours ago, Anything_but_allo said:

I tried frantically looking for a boyfriend because for my age it was deemed, “normal.” And now that I’ve realized i’m Aro and that I don’t feel romantic attraction, honestly, I’ve never been happier with my identity and lifestyle

Been there as well. I noticed peer pressure and societal pressure too, even though I always tried to do things my way and never felt like I fit certain beliefs anyway.
Then I took a step back and finally acknowledged I do not desire romantic relationships with people - at all. And I don't get why so many people are obsessed with romance.
I sometimes feel like I'm trapped inside the movie "Happy Feet" where absolutely everyone wants and needs to finde a love to mate.
But I just want to chill and enjoy my life. And it's downright scary how others seem to think you're pitiful if you don't want or are in a romo relationship.
I feel like some people (especially younger demographics) are being brainwashed or are brainwashing themsevles. All the pressure only causes sadness and desperation, yeah.

I feel this happiness and confidence now too so, great for us!
Everything has pros and cons. It only matters we know who we are and what we want n' need.
Thanks for your small rant, I can relate a lot!

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, NotHeartless said:

First: hello to you and welcome :aroicecream:.
Second:

Been there as well. I noticed peer pressure and societal pressure too, even though I always tried to do things my way and never felt like I fit certain beliefs anyway.
Then I took a step back and finally acknowledged I do not desire romantic relationships with people - at all. And I don't get why so many people are obsessed with romance.
I sometimes feel like I'm trapped inside the movie "Happy Feet" where absolutely everyone wants and needs to finde a love to mate.
But I just want to chill and enjoy my life. And it's downright scary how others seem to think you're pitiful if you don't want or are in a romo relationship.
I feel like some people (especially younger demographics) are being brainwashed or are brainwashing themsevles. All the pressure only causes sadness and desperation, yeah.

I feel this happiness and confidence now too so, great for us!
Everything has pros and cons. It only matters we know who we are and what we want n' need.
Thanks for your small rant, I can relate a lot!

 

Hi there! And thank you for the warm welcome! 💚 everything you’ve said here makes so much sense, and I honestly really just want to enjoy my life and chill but it truly is scary to see this amount of pressure in our society and youth. And the happy feet thing yea that’s a really good metaphor, it almost feels like I’m one of those weird penguins that just decided to waddle away and live by myself XD but anyways, thank you for replying to my little rant, it was very nice to talk to someone who relates 💚

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a lovely topic, and you've touched on an idea a lot of this community has issues with. The idea that romantic relationships are the most important thing in life, are a part of 'normal' development, and are assumed to be part of everyone's lives is called Amatonormativity. I learned this word as I perused the forums and I thought it would be good to share with you because there's a word for what you're talking about!

 

I agree that it's a huge problem, and I've seen many of my friends be distressed because of it. It's so hard to watch but it's also hard to explain to them that their preoccupation with romance is unhealthy. People who want romantic relationships should be comfortable to go at their own pace, to set boundaries that work for them, and to enjoy being with their partners without this amatonormative pressure eating away at them. Like you've said, amatonormativity harms allos as much as aros.

 

That said, I also appreciated where you said you are comfortable with your aro identity. :) It's definitely OK to be happy you're aro, and even though we encounter issues that can make us distressed about our identities, it's always nice to share those positive feelings. Welcome again and thanks for this lovely rant. :aroicecream:

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, running.tally said:

This is a lovely topic, and you've touched on an idea a lot of this community has issues with. The idea that romantic relationships are the most important thing in life, are a part of 'normal' development, and are assumed

2 hours ago, running.tally said:

This is a lovely topic, and you've touched on an idea a lot of this community has issues with. The idea that romantic relationships are the most important thing in life, are a part of 'normal' development, and are assumed to be part of everyone's lives is called Amatonormativity. I learned this word as I perused the forums and I thought it would be good to share with you because there's a word for what you're talking about!

 

I agree that it's a huge problem, and I've seen many of my friends be distressed because of it. It's so hard to watch but it's also hard to explain to them that their preoccupation with romance is unhealthy. People who want romantic relationships should be comfortable to go at their own pace, to set boundaries that work for them, and to enjoy being with their partners without this amatonormative pressure eating away at them. Like you've said, amatonormativity harms allos as much as aros.

 

That said, I also appreciated where you said you are comfortable with your aro identity. :) It's definitely OK to be happy you're aro, and even though we encounter issues that can make us distressed about our identities, it's always nice to share those positive feelings. Welcome again and thanks for this lovely rant. :aroicecream:

to be part of everyone's lives is called Amatonormativity. I learned this word as I perused the forums and I thought it would be good to share with you because there's a word for what you're talking about!

 

I agree that it's a huge problem, and I've seen many of my friends be distressed because of it. It's so hard to watch but it's also hard to explain to them that their preoccupation with romance is unhealthy. People who want romantic relationships should be comfortable to go at their own pace, to set boundaries that work for them, and to enjoy being with their partners without this amatonormative pressure eating away at them. Like you've said, amatonormativity harms allos as much as aros.

 

That said, I also appreciated where you said you are comfortable with your aro identity. :) It's definitely OK to be happy you're aro, and even though we encounter issues that can make us distressed about our identities, it's always nice to share those positive feelings. Welcome again and thanks for this lovely rant. :aroicecream:

Hello! And thank you so much! 💚 and yea, I am aware of amanatornivty (I probably spelled that wrong lol) and it’s sad seeing how many people fall victim to the dangerous normalization that everyone has to be in some sort of romantic relationship, and the sad thing too is I’ve seen this behavior event take place in the lgbt community. And yea, it took some time to be comfortable with my identity but know I feel realized knowing that there is a group of people out there that feel the same way. Thank you again 💚

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, I get it. I actually read a really good article about amatonormativity a few weeks ago. I mean, just the idea of dating when you are young (elementary/middle/high school) is weird, in my opinion, because what are the chances that you will actually stay with your middle school goyfriend forever and live happily ever after? And why is romantic attraction such an amazing feeling that your top priority in life is to find a romantic partner? It's impossible to explain this to alloromantic people because they had the idea that you need to be in a romantic relationship to be happy and have a fulfilled life drilled into their heads since they were born.

 

I once tried to explain to my friend that I don't see why they are so obsessed with their crush because we are in 8th grade and it's unlikely that they will stay together into adulthood, and they told me that if I experienced romantic attraction I would understand. Aros are seen as the dumb little kids that don't understand the concept so it's fine to ignore us when we try to explain that the concept is useless.

 

I think this is one of the hardest things about being aro, but I am happy for you that you are comftrable with your identity! Also, welcome to arocalypse! *goes to find that awesome icon* :aroicecream: 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, BecauseMeg said:

 

I once tried to explain to my friend that I don't see why they are so obsessed with their crush because we are in 8th grade and it's unlikely that they will stay together into adulthood, and they told me that if I experienced romantic attraction I would understand. Aros are seen as the dumb little kids that don't understand the concept so it's fine to ignore us when we try to explain that the concept is useless.

Yes, I’ve dealt with this issue myself of trying to explain to others why it’s stupid but they seem to look at me in shock like, “omg you’ve never had a boyfriend? How!” And sometimes I just have to turn the other way and roll my eyes because at the same time they’re talking about how it hurts to be in love. But thank you! And I hope you’re ok with your indenting too, never feel ashamed of it. Thank again for the warm welcome 💚

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As there seems to be a strong flavour of elementary/middle/high school to the conversation so far let me just expand on that with the most depressing of examples....Medical School Graduates

It may be different in countries other than Australia, or even other states here but I have several friends who are now doctors and their experiences are horrible. 

 

One of the first lectures at university they were asked to look around the room and were told they were almost certainly going to marry someone in the room. The medical school routine was full-on and tricky so they ended up mostly socialising with other people doing the course. The all started dating each other. Getting into medical school is hard work, so it is pretty much the first time they have been able to date since they were about 15 (feeder schools being the exception). 

Because of their intensive studies there isn't much time to get exposure to liberal thinkers or learn new ways to live, so in their downtime they absorb the amatonormative relationship-escalator normative trash that is easily found in the media. 

In the final year of uni the engagements start. 1-2 years after graduation, while they are doing intern-ships or rotations, 90% of them are engaged or married to someone they met in the course. That remaining 10% get so much pressure to partner up, most of that 90% are victims of peer pressure themselves. 2-5 years after the marriage most of them end up divorcing, my friend theorises this is because they are forced to constantly be doctors (show no weakness, be competitive, be emotionally stable) with no downtime so they burn out. Basically it is like a group psychosis that is perpetuated by pressures from those one year ahead in the course, and then peer pressure to 'follow the norm' which eventually drives everyone crazy. 

  • Like 1
  • Sad 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Apathetic Echidna man, I’m truly sympathetic for your friends. That sounds awful and that makes me sad that the amount of peer pressure put in those students forced them to get married and then divorce so quickly. It seems like this society really just can’t take a break. But anyways, thank yo uso much for sharing, and I hope things continue to go well for you in your life. Thanks 💚

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Apathetic Echidna Wow...I'm kind of speechless right now. I knew societal and peer pressure can be bad but this sounds like next level. I agree - group psychosis isn't far from it.
I have a friend who's a med student so, I can confirm their little time for anything else besides their studies. It's like they are an exclusive, closed off group.
I'll look a bit more out for her even though she has very similar views on romance and relationships like me. But you never know.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, NotHeartless said:

I'll look a bit more out for her even though she has very similar views on romance and relationships like me. But you never know.

Definitely! Situations can come up where if they are not like everyone else they are made to feel terrible. I was the sanity barometer for a few of my friend but even still only one held out and didn't get engaged, or even date any other students.....but that might have something to do with her finding out that most of the guys have little respect for actual consent* which disgusted her. The best thing to do is give her a safe place (being a supportive friend) so she can take a break from 'being a doctor'. 

 

*I though I should explain it a bit. As in learning they would use each other in class for diagnosis exercises and other hands on stuff, it is basically compulsory to participate, and many of the guys in the course continued the idea of assumed consent outside of the classroom. Plus I do think there were a couple of skeezy guys that encouraged the others. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×