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Freyja

Hello! I’m Kai and I don’t know what I’m doing :-)

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I’ve never been on a web forum before but I’m tired of feeling so isolated, invalidated, and confused. I’m a bit ignorant on the topic so I don’t know how to properly define myself. I have no problem loving someone but it’s hard for me to be in love and stay in love. I have a boyfriend and I’ve wanted one for so long. I grew up reading romances but anyone who came along gave me anxiety and caused a “flight” response in me. I didn’t feel satisfaction from attraction being directed towards me. I thought it was a commitment issue at first but even when I was mentally and physically attracted to someone, as hard as I tried, I couldn’t feel in love with them. Even now, I love my boyfriend but I don’t think I feel consistently in love. I’m not even sure what being in love means or feels like. I feel like I could walk away from this relationship with a tear or two over a lost friendship but other days I feel like I need him... but maybe I’m not in love with him. Maybe I just like how he makes me feel and I don’t want to be lonely anymore? I don’t know. Maybe one day I can fall in love and stay that way and know for sure what it feels like. It takes a lot for me to have romantic feelings. It rarely happens and I need an emotional connection first but even then, I can’t feel all aspects of romance. I can have sex without feelings but someone has to be my friend for years before I can even begin to feel romantic attraction. But I want to feel it. I’ve cried so many times for not being able to feel it for good people. I’m a hopeless romantic for heaven’s sake! Okay sorry for rambling. I just feel so lost, and that I’m the most unnecessarily complex and burdensome person. Glad this is anonymous lol 

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Welcome. :)

Much of what you have said gives me strong aro-spec vibes and I think you'll be able to find a few answers as you look around these forums and chat with others. I know many who share similar feelings who would love to connect with you, and I'm glad you're here with us!

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