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lisamaria

I want a qpr with my best friend, but he doesn't feel the same way about me...

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I really want to be in a queerplatonic relationship with my best friend... He is the most important person in my life, he makes me so happy and I want to spend my whole life with him, but I know he doesn't feel the same way about me. He has a boyfriend and he "just" sees me as his best friend. I wish I was his priority, his favorite person, but I will never be. It makes me so sad because he's the only one I would ever want to be in a relationship with, but I don't want to tell him about my feelings (because I don't want to make him uncomfortable or pressure him into to being my qpp). Do you have some advice on how to deal with this situation?

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This is, as the kids say, a big mood.  I was in a similar situation a few years ago.  I was living with my closest friend, and she had been looking for a new boyfriend, and I offered for us to just keep living together indefinitely and take care of each other, and that I'd be fine with her also pursuing romantic relationships with other people in that situation, but she turned me down.  She made it clear that she loves me and that our friendship is important, but still, it was very hard knowing that she didn't see our relationship the way I did, or return my feelings of it being something besides the socially acceptable version of friendship.  I had to let myself grieve for a while, because what I was experiencing was basically the aromantic version of heartbreak.  I've tried to just focus on the parts of our relationship that work for both of us, but it's still hard sometimes.

 

I don't really have any advice besides let yourself grieve if you need to grieve, and try to focus on what works well in your relationship.  Reaching out to communities of a-spec people who will understand your feelings can also be very helpful.

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You're definitely not the only one.  I've heard plenty of other aros feel a kind of heartbreak at realizing their friends feel very differently about them compared to how they feel about their friends.  It's easy to assume that aros don't experience heartbreak, but many of us do.

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On 11/27/2018 at 8:06 PM, lisamaria said:

I wish I was his priority, his favorite person, but I will never be. It makes me so sad because he's the only one I would ever want to be in a relationship with, but I don't want to tell him about my feelings (because I don't want to make him uncomfortable or pressure him into to being my qpp). Do you have some advice on how to deal with this situation?

It's an unfortunate fact of life that sometimes we want more from other people than they do from us. Like any other case of heartbreak or unrequited feelings, there's not a lot you can do about it except allow yourself space to grieve, like Eklinaar says, and work towards accepting the fact that you're not going to be able to have that kind of relationship with him.

 

You're doing the right thing by not putting pressure on him, but if this situation reaches the point where it's negatively affecting your existing friendship, or negatively affecting your mental state, you may want to consider telling him that you need a little time apart. If you do talk to him about this make sure you make it very clear that you don't blame him for your unrequited feelings or expect anything from him, and that you still absolutely care about him and want him as your best friend - you just need a little space to get over your feelings.

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19 hours ago, Eklinaar said:

This is, as the kids say, a big mood.  I was in a similar situation a few years ago.  I was living with my closest friend, and she had been looking for a new boyfriend, and I offered for us to just keep living together indefinitely and take care of each other, and that I'd be fine with her also pursuing romantic relationships with other people in that situation, but she turned me down.  She made it clear that she loves me and that our friendship is important, but still, it was very hard knowing that she didn't see our relationship the way I did, or return my feelings of it being something besides the socially acceptable version of friendship.  I had to let myself grieve for a while, because what I was experiencing was basically the aromantic version of heartbreak.  I've tried to just focus on the parts of our relationship that work for both of us, but it's still hard sometimes.

 

I don't really have any advice besides let yourself grieve if you need to grieve, and try to focus on what works well in your relationship.  Reaching out to communities of a-spec people who will understand your feelings can also be very helpful.

 

Thank you so much for your answer! It's really comforting to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. 

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