Jump to content
Miro

Aromanticism: The friendzoning purgatory

Recommended Posts

Somewhat of a sad rant coming up. Trigger warning for some self-deprecating language as a result of other people reacting to me being aro. Foreword, I love being aro, and I'm happy to finally know what I am. But dealing with people's reaction to it is still a struggle. (First post here, please let me know if venting posts like this need to go elsewhere or should be taken down!)

 

What being aro feels like for me right now:

 

Forever friend zoning people and having that feeling that all the things they've done for you up til that point that you thought was done willingly actually came at a price you didn't know you had to pay. And then once they reach a breaking point because you haven't returned the same amount of gesture, even if you've been vulnerable and supportive and is otherwise a good friend, suddenly all the things they do for you is revoked even though you were under the impression that you were reciprocating via friendship. Suddenly you're Insensitive. Even though all the criteria has been the same from your end, and you thought the friendship was mutual. And then losing a friend even though you were just.... Making a friend. 

 

And that creeping thought that they only did those things because they were romantically interested, which in my head has zero value, which makes me feel like I'm not worth being nice to unless I am being romanced, which I don't place any value in. And when I complain about getting too much romantic attention I get told I'm not appreciating people liking me. Even though people liking me has always only ended up with me hurt and losing a friend. Even though people liking me romantically has always only meant that my existence alone caused people pain.

 

And then no one understands why you're going through just as much pain as they are. Because their heartbreak is romantic and therefore will always, ALWAYS, be prioritized over any other heartache. Even the allies instinctively do not question that of course the alloromantic is suffering more. Further confirming that being aro just means I'm broken because I think my friendship heartbreak is just as painful as someone's romance heartbreak.

 

TL;DR for some reason I attract a lot of romantic attention and contrary to popular opinion it makes me feel worthless.

  • Like 4
  • Thanks 1
  • Sad 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

On 11/6/2018 at 12:25 AM, Miro said:

I think my friendship heartbreak is just as painful as someone's romance heartbreak.

I agree that losing a friend can be just as painful but I'd actually go as far as to say that it can often be more painful that breaking up with a romantic partner. I may have never dated before but I know what it's like to lose a best friend and that hurts more than anything because you feel like the one person you would first turn to is gone. Whereas if you breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend, you always have your friends to fall back on and they'll agree with you saying "yeah he/she was such a jerk." and "We're here for you." But when you lose a friend, picking sides is not a good option because chances are your friends are still friends with your ex-friend. So basically you have nobody to fall back to except for people who are completely removed from the situation such as a parent or a long-distance friend. Not to mention we're always taught when we're younger that boys come and go, but friends are forever. We are lead to falsely believe that we'll always have out friends but when we actually lose one, we are taken completely by surprise. You never go into a friendship thinking that it will end as violently as a relationship breakup but it can happen. 

 

On 11/6/2018 at 12:25 AM, Miro said:

TL;DR for some reason I attract a lot of romantic attention and contrary to popular opinion it makes me feel worthless.

Wow, that must be harsh. I have quite the opposite situation. I've only had one dude at my school ask me out and when that ship never sailed, we were still friends. Okay, I actually did have someone else kind of admit to having liked me but we were still friends there too. So I guess, the amount of secret admirers is completely unknown but I certainly don't gain as much attention because I don't care about keeping up good looks with makeup nor do I have an outgoing personality that attracts attention. I'm a very unconventional person. Perhaps if you make the fact that you're aromantic more well-known, it will prevent most of these problems? 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@NullVector thanks for the link, I looked into it and it's definitely nice to see I'm not the only one who's romo-zoned. It's just.... It's a situation where no one wins and everyone suffers you know? And it's hard not to think it's your own fault when it's because society is so allonormative.

 

@Emerald Cheetah

I know it sounds like I'm unappreciative of people liking me and I have plenty of allonormative friends who wish they were in my position. But all it has meant for me is I lose people because of it. For no other reason than simply being me. Being aromantic is something I've only realized in the last month, and I've already had to end a seven year long relationship because of it. Losing an important person (my seven year relationship) as well as a best friend, both because I am aro and they are allo, at the same time, just makes it easier to think there's something wrong with ME.

 

I don't know, it just sucks to be honest.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't forget that this could happen to allo too. Or for instance a straight person having a crush on a gay person, and vice versa.

And you are not responsible for how you feel. There is something wrong with no one, and certainly not with you.

 

People should understand that losing a friend is important too, and that you could feel hurt or depressed for that too. People value so much romantic relationship that they forget that there are other things in the world they can value.

 

Am I the only one who never get the "we can't date so don't be friends?". I mean, ok you didn't want to date, but it don't invalidate that fact that you get along and have things in common. So why reject the friedship just because you can't have the romantic love?

  • Like 5
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/8/2018 at 10:47 AM, nonmerci said:

Am I the only one who never get the "we can't date so don't be friends?". I mean, ok you didn't want to date, but it don't invalidate that fact that you get along and have things in common. So why reject the friedship just because you can't have the romantic love?

 

YES! Exactly! I've always had a similar question but mine is more along the lines of "why can't girls and guys just be friends?" because I've had very few guy friends in my life and I feel like it's impossible to form any close relationship with a dude without it all of a sudden becoming "romance". But yes, I definitely agree with still being friends if dating isn't an option. I think it really depends on the person. Some people seem to think that friendship isn't really important and that romantic love is all the matters so I'm not surprised that there are people who would do that. Especially since being friendzoned is apparently sooooo horrible. However this belief is probably due to a variety of factors including the media's portrayal of love, and our personalities, etc. etc. It's honestly a shame that people underappreciate the value of friendship but it just happens.

 

On 11/8/2018 at 12:04 AM, Miro said:

Losing an important person (my seven year relationship) as well as a best friend, both because I am aro and they are allo, at the same time, just makes it easier to think there's something wrong with ME.

 

From what I've heard, I don't think there's anything wrong with you. You just happen to be different from the norm and therefore less people can understand your point of view. I was actually talking about this in my advanced English class today. We were talking about how people, nowadays, tend to fight over right and wrong without ever trying to understand the other person's point of view. It happens all the time, like when someone complains about how bad their day was and then it becomes a competition about who had the worst day. Like Seriously? It's kind of sad. But I don't think you should have anything to be ashamed of. I don't know the specifics of how it all happened, but it sounds like they refused to understand your point of view and when that happens, it's a lost cause. Being yourself in this world is hard when everyone seems to judge one another harshly for their differences but trust me, being someone you're not will only spell disaster. If people can't accept the real you, then they don't deserve to be apart of your life. That's how I see it anyways. It may hurt at first, but in the long run, you'll reap the benefits and find people who truly understand you. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/6/2018 at 11:17 PM, NullVector said:

@Miro your post reminds me of some things other people here have said. You might like this thread.

Yes! Let's bring the romozone concept back up. I want us to have it in our general vocab.

@Miro

I totally know what you're feeling. Especially that realization of: Oh, it was just involuntary hormonal reactions that made you interested.

 

@nonmerci

I actually don't think it makes sense to befriend someone who has a romantic cruch on you because in my experience the basis of romantic and platonic reaction can be totally different, and once someone has romozoned you it's pretty much impossible to get out of it.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×