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chimchimmy

update: aro in romantic relationship

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Ok so sorry I already posted a question and someone thankfully helped me a lot thank you so much! But now something happened two days ago and I don't know what to do... I mean I guess I do kind of but I don't know how to word it. I tried to break up with my partner, and we were sitting in my car crying together for two and a half hours and everything was awful. I thought I'd finally done it, but then they started saying they would never do anything romantic with me again, that we could set agreements and rules and have open and honest communication. They said that they didn't want to be put at the level of my other best friends and still wanted to be by my side or in a partnership with me in some way. Basically they wanted to be special to me, and while they really have been, I didn't know if they could change themselves and I didn't want them to sacrifice even more and throw a bunch of shit they wanted all away to be in a weird confusing non relationship with me that i can barely grasp. I told them where we were was just too stressful to me and thats why I couldn't do it anymore, and they said they were not psychologically ready to not be with me in some way, and that they didn't want to have to tell their family that it was happening, that we broke up. And I almost didn't give in, but I did. I was so tired and so drained emotionally. I really care for this person a lot but I don't know how this change is going to go. Loving someone else more than yourself is not a secure basis for love in my opinion, and I don't want to be responsible for my partner doing that and throwing themselves away the same way I felt I did before for them to be happy,  without my own comfort. 

We live together in a dorm and we both didn't know what we were going to do after I almost broke up with them, where we would each go and what we would tell everyone when we thought that was it. I wanted things to be the same but a little different, and they also wanted that, and we are one of each others best and only friends at school. All our friends are mutual between us too. I was too exhausted and their answer was easy to give in to I suppose. 

 I told them I felt manipulated or guilted by them more than sometimes, in a kinder way than saying it straight out. But I really don't know if they will change. 

I've read signs online about abusive or emotionally manipulative partners to see if me or my partner was abusive towards the other because sometimes I just don't know, I don't like the way I act towards my partner sometimes and I don't know if it is my fault or theirs. I read about how emotionally manipulative partners force the relationship to keep going because of the hold they have over the other person, because of their selfish wants and not listening to what the other person wants in the end. 

Anyway, I really don't know how to do this. Or what to say, what concrete things I can present that will help this situation. Thanks to anyone who reads this 💚 I'm so grateful for people like you, much platonic love 😆

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I'm in a similar predicament with a few LDS missionaries right now. I know I don't want to be a member of that religion, but they were definitely pressuring me last night. So, tomorrow when I go to their church, I plan to tell them that I plan to cut all contact with them. Now, it seems as if you don't want to cut all contact with this person and you shouldn't have to. But, as hard as it may be, just build up the courage, psych yourself up to say you don't want to be partnered up with them. Definitely trust your gut on this one.

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This is a difficult situation and I don't think you should feel bad about giving in to pressure.

 

I read your earlier post and it seems to me like you are pretty set on not being in a romantic relationship. This sentence stood out for me "They told me a relationship was about give and take, which made me feel guilty because they gave up a lot to be in a relationship with me, like cuddling and frequent physical and verbal affirmations they would probably typically receive in a romantic relationship." I'm in no way a relationship expert but I think the give and take aspect should not be something one does begrudgingly. It's supposed to feel good to give something to your partner, not like a sacrifice.

 

I've been in similar situations before. My first (and only serious) boyfriend which I dated for a year. I never felt romantic love for him but I cared about him and wanted to experience a relationship. I'd feel guilty about not having romantic feelings for him and not being as attached to him as he was with me. This made me compromise a lot about my own feelings and comfort. After a year I realized that it wasn't what I wanted and I broke up with him. He was devastated, almost suicidal, and clung desperately to our relationship. I wanted to still be friends and he wanted too, but everytime we met he'd feel sad about our break-up and ask for romantic interaction. Eventually I just had to break it off completely. The reason I'm sharing this is as an example that it can be really difficult for Allos to go from romantic relationship to platonic. If you break up you might have to break entirely, cut all contact. I understand that this would be difficult as you live so close to each other and have many friends in common. I wish I had some solid advice for it. All I can say is that I understand what you're going through and I think you should not feel guilty about doing what feels right for you.

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On 9/14/2018 at 5:40 AM, chimchimmy said:

I've read signs online about abusive or emotionally manipulative partners to see if me or my partner was abusive towards the other because sometimes I just don't know, I don't like the way I act towards my partner sometimes and I don't know if it is my fault or theirs.

 

The fundamental definition of emotional abuse is using someone's emotions to attempt to control them.

 

Someone begging you to have a relationship with them because they will suffer without that relationship is emotional abuse.

 

Someone using guilt to wear you down until you give in to having a relationship with them is emotional abuse.

 

Look at how you're describing what happened. You told your partner you wanted to break up; their immediate reaction was to focus the situation on their suffering ("they said they were not psychologically ready to not be with me"), and use your guilt over that to wear you down until, in your own words, you were too exhausted not to give in. Your partner is using classic emotional abuse tactics to coerce you to stay in a relationship that is making you miserable.

 

I told you in my reply to your last post that your partner's behaviour was raising a lot of red flags (pressuring or coercing you into physical acts you're not comfortable with is also a classic form of emotional abuse). I know you care about them - that's often what makes dealing with emotionally abusive partners so difficult. But your partner is exploiting the fact that you care about them to coerce and manipulate you into a relationship you have clearly told them you don't want right now.

 

That's emotional abuse, and it's not okay.

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Guest Chandrakirti

If you no longer feel comfortable in this relationship and you made it clear, then there seems to be no way to convert it to a plain friendship, it's got nowhere left to go anyway, so don't feel guilty about moving on.

Someone saying they'll give up romance to be with you won't be happy in the long term anyway- it's against their nature. 

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