Cupioromantic struggles

[AroAce]

Haii!

I'm pretty new here. I just realized a couple of days ago all the "crushes" I had in my life were actually squishes. That was a bit life-changing for me. I always thought I was heteromantic and considered myself one of the most romantic people I knew. You can imagine, then, my surprise when I realized that nope, I have no clue what romantic attraction feels like.

 

However,

I have come across the term cupioromantic and everything made sense ...but also started to suck.

 

For anyone who is not familiar with the term,

a cupioromantic is someone who does not experience romantic attraction, but is open to (and may even really desire) a romantic relationship.

 

So...

I am aromantic as in I do not feel romantic attraction, but I can't help but feel left out in the aro community because I crave romance so much. I can't help it! I just do!

I have even considered the possibility that I am just in denial of my orientation. 

I don't even know... There is just something about romantic relationships that I really really want! 

 

I really hope there are others out there that feel the same way...

Let me know your opinions in the comments! ❤️

 

*NOTE:

I have experienced repulsion to kissing, though. So I don't know if I like romantic relationships only in theory..?

The thought of kissing did not bother me, but when it was the time to do it I was on the verge of a panic attack!*

[Tagor]

For me, it's basically the same. I really like learning about romantic relationships and how/why they form. For a while, I tried to train myself to display the symptoms of falling in love, as I really wanted a realtionship but didn't want to be an asshole ( it worked to some extent as I could convince myself that I was in love).

In my opinion, the problem is that there are two major definitions of aromanticism I found. The first, which I found primarily on AVEN, is "somebody who doesn't desire a romantic relationship" and the second is "somebody who doesn't experience romantic attraction, for example never has a crush". Based on the first one, we wouldn't be aromantic, based son the second one, we would. But this one has the the major problem that prove that you're aromantic - you could still have a crush in the future.

 

Disclaimer: Right now, I'm thinking about if I really wanted a romantic relationship or just a really close friend because as a shy introvert, I never really had one and may have subconciously thought that a relationship would be a good way to force me into opening up.

[AroAce]

12 hours ago, not_my_standard_username said:

In my opinion, the problem is that there are two major definitions of aromanticism I found. The first, which I found primarily on AVEN, is "somebody who doesn't desire a romantic relationship" and the second is "somebody who doesn't experience romantic attraction, for example never has a crush". Based on the first one, we wouldn't be aromantic, based son the second one, we would.

My thoughts exactlyy!

[Orgunal]

Thank you for this, I've been wondering for a long time if I was Asexual or Aromantic,  but now I know I'm cupioromantic as of today. But my problem was that I thought I had a crush which I now realize thanks to this post is really a squish, which is amazing in how well it fits all of my previous 'crushes' like I always wanted to get to know better all of these people in the past, like one of them, was named Benji and I remember as a child telling some people I had a crush on him but others that I didn't and not really being sure, it had never felt right to call it a crush because I just had lots of positive feelings towards him, I have another squish, and today he winked at me and it felt wrong, it was probably just a joking wink, but I thought it was a romantic one, and even though I had thought I liked him and wouldn't mind being with him, that wink just felt wrong, and gee wilikers I never could understand why everyone else was so preoccupied with love, At one point I thought I had never had any crushes but then I convinced myself that my squishes were crushes, but I never really imagined anything more than intensly getting to know these people. and it fits so well and it's like everything makes sense now. It feels so good to know what I'm feeling honestly. Thank you, without this I might have never questioned what a squish was and I never would have known that I'm really Asexual

[TheRealShotoTodoroki]

I always had this “crush” on this one person, and over time... that slowly slipped away... in a good way, we are really close friends... I don’t want anything more, and I guess I just always assumed that it was a crush, AND THEN... I found a he LGBT community, and I started having more and more supposed crushes on girls and boys, and anyone... so I came out as bisexual...but... that title didn’t feel right, I felt like the community, but any attraction I had to anyone was gone very quickly after I befriended them... so I dug through the titles and found aromantic... it was perfect, but there were a few things that I didn’t understand, like how I couldn’t feel romantic attraction, but grew up with romance, and hallmark, and... well... love. And it didn’t bother me whatsoever, I enjoyed the idea, but anyone that I “liked” I never wanted to kiss, or hold hands with, but consulted hugging sounded like an option... it was almost like the version of kissing for me is hugging... it’s the highest level of love I’ve ever been able to reach...(side topic, there is this one person at school who will just walk up to you, and hug you, without your consent, and now it makes sense, I never liked this because I only hug the people I love the most...)so I kept digging, and found the term Cupioromantic, and I feel at peace with these definitions because this defonition describes me perfectly but I’m also kinda upset, because I haven’t found any actors, actresses, or characters represented as Cupioromantic...

[Apex]

I guess I'm technically cupio, since I like the idea of being in a romantic relationship (although I don't need one). But I'm fine with just calling myself aromantic.

 

I remember hearing the term a few years ago but I forgot what it meant so thank you for reminding me ?

[asexualpanda27]

I understand you so much! I feel the exact same way. I was even a little hesitant to join this website because I often feel alienated from the aro community. While I support and respect all the lovely aros who are happy and content being single, I personally am not. I identify as aroflux or grayro because I can't decide if I'm cupio, demi, or some other microlabel. I could probably use a number of them. But sometimes I think that maybe I'm only using aroFLUX or GRAYro because I want to deny the fact that I'm actually completely aro. That thought scares me. I want a romantic relationship/a deeply committed relationship (which, let's be honest, for alloromantics are basically the same thing) that I'm afraid I'm denying the fact that I might never be able to experience a traditional romantic relationship in any way, shape, or form.

 

DM me if you want to talk more. I think we understand each other quite well. You can message me here or on instagram: ace.pride27

[Guest I sip my tea in silance]

I feel the same way. I really want a relationship and i get a bit jelous of my brother and sisters that have relationships. Most of my friends either have someone either are interested in someone.

[Guest Guestikins]

I'm currently not sure if I'm really cupioromantic or more romance-curious. I've never experienced romantic attraction but the trappings of romance are quite appealing to me. There are things I'd like to explore but I'm at a loss as to how to do that a) ethically and b) without exposing myself to expectations of things I'm not comfortable with such as sexual intimacy.

[Guest Just Lookin 0_0]

I was reading a BL story and came across the term cupioromantic. First time hearing the word but it all make sense now. I've been single for more than 10yrs.. And the first relationship i've ever had was a misunderstanding of which i had let be because i felt sorry to retract what he has misunderstood. It lasted less than a year and it was okay. But since then im not really into dating, i had crushes very few at that less than 5, maybe 3 or 2 and the rest were artist of which i admired strongly but that's it. I tried flirting, i tried to date, everyone around me pushes me to date, willing to introduce me to someone, they even labeled me as having a high standard but that's not it. I just find it so hassle. To call, to chat, to give time. I rarely believe the other person when they speak sweet words in front of me.. I just couldn't bring myself to like or love someone for real. But im so into the idea of being loved and to love but somehow when face to the real situation i just couldn't let myself get bothered by that thing called romance. I even doubt my sexual orientation and blame myself having trust issues but i guess this word said it all. Is there a cure. I don't wanne end up alone. Lol

[Guest Moon C]

Hey, i just found out about cupiosexual and cupioromantic yesterday and it perfectly describes me. I am always so desperate tricking myself into thinking I have a crush, but in reality no.

I might be greysexual or demisexual because things can change in the future. This just makes me more confused.

I do not really have anyome to talk to like this so if you can relate my discord is: moonxq~#1485

[Guest Oh no my adhd]

The more I research this more questions I'm left with.  I don't think I've experienced attraction before, I've only ever been in a few short relationships when I was younger so i haven't had much experience to know for sure what I am but I know now it was me convincing myself I liked a person and I know I've never exactly had a crush on somebody. But the thing is sometimes I'll see attractive people and I don't know if what i feel is appreciation for their aesthetic beauty or if it's some small form of attraction, because while I don't think i'd actually want to be in a romantic and or sexual relationship with these people the thought isn't entirely bad I'd say.  My other problem that only confuses me more is the fact that I have adhd and my medications are known for repressing sexual thoughts so i can't exactly tell if what I feel or don't feel is a result of that or not. And it's not like I can ever stop taking them so it's only worsened my confusion. I will thank you though for posting this, it's at least helped shown me more possibilities that are helping me figure myself out. 

[Luna04]

On 8/26/2018 at 6:01 PM, AroAce said:

Haii!

I'm pretty new here. I just realized a couple of days ago all the "crushes" I had in my life were actually squishes. That was a bit life-changing for me. I always thought I was heteromantic and considered myself one of the most romantic people I knew. You can imagine, then, my surprise when I realized that nope, I have no clue what romantic attraction feels like.

 

However,

I have come across the term cupioromantic and everything made sense ...but also started to suck.

 

For anyone who is not familiar with the term,

a cupioromantic is someone who does not experience romantic attraction, but is open to (and may even really desire) a romantic relationship.

 

So...

I am aromantic as in I do not feel romantic attraction, but I can't help but feel left out in the aro community because I crave romance so much. I can't help it! I just do!

I have even considered the possibility that I am just in denial of my orientation. 

I don't even know... There is just something about romantic relationships that I really really want! 

 

I really hope there are others out there that feel the same way...

Let me know your opinions in the comments! ❤️

 

*NOTE:

I have experienced repulsion to kissing, though. So I don't know if I like romantic relationships only in theory..?

The thought of kissing did not bother me, but when it was the time to do it I was on the verge of a panic attack!*

This is honestly pretty much the exact same for me. I’d actually only come across the term maybe half an hour ago, but when I saw the definition, everything clicked. I was ecstatic; I’d finally found a WORD for it, but on the other hand it sent a shard of hurt through my heart. The term shoved in my face something I think I’ve been running from for a long time. 
 

I don’t feel romantic attraction, but I DESPERATELY want to. I WANT to love and to BE loved in that way. With all my heart, I do. But I also know it’s not ever going to happen, because I don’t feel romantic attraction. 
 

This was actually something that had left me on the fence or in denial or something for a long time as to where I stood on the Aro spectrum. At first I was like “Oh Im Aro! No romantic attraction here!” And I was right. But then I took a closer look and I was confused by what I found; the desperate WANTING for that kind of relationship. I then came to the confused confusion that “I guess I’m Demiromantic???” 
But today I found the term “Cupioromantic,” and it’s the saddest thing I’ve ever realized about myself. Because as much as my Anxiety would be horrible in the feeling of losing control in falling in love, I don’t think there’s anything I truly could want more. 
 

But it’s not going to happen. 
 

 

Also, even though I absolutely crave this kind of relationship, a lot of the things you DO arent anything Id want to partake in. I wouldn’t like kissing, Im Ace, etc. Im sure I would enjoy just like,,, physical contact with another human being, but I am self-aware enough to know that that is all just due to being touch-starved. 
For me, it’s just that /connection/ I guess that I so desperately want. I don’t really know how to explain it, but it is something I don’t think a squish could fill the space of. 
I am, of course, less sure on that part because I have personally never experienced a squish, I don’t think, and I honestly dont know what I’d do if I did. I have become very antisocial and awkward (its lead to some VERY FUN existential crises : >  ), and I cant even imagine how that would play out lol

Edited July 26, 2020 by Luna04

[Guest yupppp]

It’s hard for me to tell the difference between loneliness and attraction. I know that I have never experienced a level of excitement or obsession that would actually qualify as a “crush,” but when I feel really lonely, the desire for a girlfriend grows increasingly stronger until I’m walking around town angrily looking at couples, thinking “She shouldn’t be with him! She should be with me!” And then a few weeks pass and I realize that for whatever reason I don’t mind being alone anymore. I don’t need a girlfriend. I feel confident and happy... until another week or two later the loneliness and longing start up again.

I’m more than okay with the idea of falling in love someday. I’d like that to happen at least once, just so I can know what it feels like. But I do hope the “real thing” doesn’t end up feeling like the futile and overly-dramatic longing that my brain likes to engage in when I’m lonely. 

I read a ton of romance comics and manga, I daydream constantly about romance, I frequently imagine falling in love with and marrying cute girls I spot on the street. But I have not fallen and continue not to fall in love.

I do experience squishes. The feelings typically last for a few hours while in that person’s presence before they fade away and I focus on something else. Either I’m greyromantic and completely emotionally repressed, or I’m aromantic and building squishes out of nothing purely for the masochistic delight of it. One of the two.

Are my standards exceedingly high? Yes. Am I a mildly-anxious introvert? Yes. Do I overthink everything? Yes. But I feel like I have so much love I want to give to someone. I want to be allowed to hug someone and tell them that they’re beautiful without that being weird. I want to have long conversations, spooning, and gentle kisses. 

I’m so glad I found this thread. I wish we could all sit down together in a room and talk about our experiences. Never have I felt more understood by a group of Internet strangers. 

[Guest PumaPuma]

I just recently heard of "cupioromantic" and I definitely relate to it. But as I looked into it more, the more confused and hurt I am about it. There's a blog on Tumblr called "aceadvice" and the admins along with someone called "The Thinking Ace" who basically shot down everyone who asks about or identifies as cupioromantic or cupiosexual. They say terms are offensive and harmful because "cupioromantic/cupiosexuals is a form of amatonormativity not an orientation" or "you're just alloromantic and not a true aromantic".

Then they go "Buuut, you can identify as whatever and use whatever labels you want uwu." So they basically say that cupioromantics/cupiosexuals aren't valid but try (and fail) to twist their words around to make it seem like that's not what they said.

Then there's the people on other forums that are saying you can't be aromantic and cupioromantic because "you're still wanting a romantic relationship so therefore you still feel romantic attraction". But they also don't understand that what people view as romantic is subjective. 

I definitely identify as aromantic because I don't feel romantic attraction towards anyone and am repulsed by certain romantic gestures but I honestly wouldn't mind being in a relationship as long as the other person is okay with the fact I wouldn't be attracted to them romantically. I'm just afraid that if I start using the cupioromantic label I'll have people telling me that it's not valid : /

[Guest Kay]

I really thought I was the only one! What you just described is nearly exactly how I feel. I identify as asexual and just recently learned of the term cupioromantic. After hearing it, I knew that’s was me.

its almost encouraging to hear that I am not the only one experiencing this and feeling this way. (Random side-comment: I also have a bit of a repulsion to kissing, having a panic attack after my first kiss)

[Guest Harley]

So ive had my crushes then and now, but something I've always thought of was "dang I dont get crushes for people often". It feels like everybody has some sort of crush at all times and im over here like "what's up, where's the passion". And for the last 2 years -i believe- i havent felt any romantic attraction towards anyone. I get people who are interested in me but im not interested back and it really sucks because I really want to be in a relationship, but i can't feel anything.  So I found the term demiromantic and it made sense, since all the crushes ive had were on people I was friends with, but then i realise even when i make friends with people now, i can't feel anything. So then i found Cuprioromantic, and it fits me better in my own opinion. But if anybody wants to help me, my discord is hrd1223#7056

[Willow]

On 1/1/2020 at 9:01 PM, asexualpanda27 said:

I understand you so much! I feel the exact same way. I was even a little hesitant to join this website because I often feel alienated from the aro community. While I support and respect all the lovely aros who are happy and content being single, I personally am not. I identify as aroflux or grayro because I can't decide if I'm cupio, demi, or some other microlabel. I could probably use a number of them. But sometimes I think that maybe I'm only using aroFLUX or GRAYro because I want to deny the fact that I'm actually completely aro. That thought scares me. I want a romantic relationship/a deeply committed relationship (which, let's be honest, for alloromantics are basically the same thing) that I'm afraid I'm denying the fact that I might never be able to experience a traditional romantic relationship in any way, shape, or form.

 

DM me if you want to talk more. I think we understand each other quite well. You can message me here or on instagram: ace.pride27

I relate greatly to when you said “That thought scares me.” And everything past that. I’m personally very conflicted about this, as I know I’ve never experienced romance, and I’m actually quite uncomfortable when I perceive someone is doing romantic actions towards me (I.E. being winked at and that same person I barely know anything about being extremely clingy). But I do, ironically enough, crave a “romantic relationship” because they’re accepted by society as long lasting, ever important connections. I think it’s the devotion, and the loving someone no matter what they do, that pulls me in. I guess I crave companionship in that form, because of that. Despite this, I think you may be able to also gain comfort from the knowledge of “Queer-platonic Partnership”s. Knowing about these has honestly comforted me greatly, and made me more comfortable with my orientation. These are also heavily apart of the Aro community, and seem to be widely accepted by the community :)

 

(Also I’m sorry for this ramble and you really just expressed everything I’ve been feelings so well! ?)

P.S. I’m sorry if my acc seems sketch or anything, as I made it just after reading your reply!

[Guest confused af]

Ok but this is EXACTLY how I feel. I don’t think I’ve ever had a crush before. I mean I’ll see someone and be like they’re pretty, I want to date them (is that what a crush is???). It’s not feelings just a decision. And I want to kiss and have a relationship, but i don’t think I actually have romantic feelings for that person? And I really want relationships, and it has to be with a good partner, but I don’t know if I actually have romantic feelings for them or just enjoy the relationship?

[Clementine]

On 8/27/2018 at 3:01 AM, AroAce said:

Haii!

I'm pretty new here. I just realized a couple of days ago all the "crushes" I had in my life were actually squishes. That was a bit life-changing for me. I always thought I was heteromantic and considered myself one of the most romantic people I knew. You can imagine, then, my surprise when I realized that nope, I have no clue what romantic attraction feels like.

 

However,

I have come across the term cupioromantic and everything made sense ...but also started to suck.

 

For anyone who is not familiar with the term,

a cupioromantic is someone who does not experience romantic attraction, but is open to (and may even really desire) a romantic relationship.

 

So...

I am aromantic as in I do not feel romantic attraction, but I can't help but feel left out in the aro community because I crave romance so much. I can't help it! I just do!

I have even considered the possibility that I am just in denial of my orientation. 

I don't even know... There is just something about romantic relationships that I really really want! 

 

I really hope there are others out there that feel the same way...

Let me know your opinions in the comments! ❤️

 

*NOTE:

I have experienced repulsion to kissing, though. So I don't know if I like romantic relationships only in theory..?

The thought of kissing did not bother me, but when it was the time to do it I was on the verge of a panic attack!*

Hey...

So ... hum ... Well first, sorry if I make some mistakes while writing ( English isn't my birth langage ).

 

I still don't know if I can say I am cupioromantic for I only learned about this today but this conversation, like, rang a bell for me...

 

I absolutely love romance, it's my favorite type of fiction,  plus I love to help my friends with their crushs and all ! Several time I dreamt of being in the arms of someone and it felt so nice ! I really craved to finally live one of those romance and be in a happy couple... and I've tried...

 

My three only "romantic experience" were absolutely catastrophic...

All of them friends who confessed to me... which made me feel butterflies and all but with time after the breakup I noticed that those butterflies weren't because I had feelings for them but surely for my love of romance itself...

Each of them, by the moment we became a "thing" being with them felt just so ... oppressing... every physical contact felt like torture and several time made want to puke...

Every time I had to see or talk to them ( irl or not ) I just panicked so much that my stomach hurt, the tears would come as well as the irregular breathing...

I had the impression of being trapped or that I had to give them a special part of me, a special part of my attention but that I just couldn't.

Multiple times I thought that if it continued like that I would faint so I ignored the whole thing ( by fleeing them )until either me or them had the gut to breakup...

Due to that I just felt so SO horrible that I wanted to punch myself... but at the same time I felt so relieved that it was all over !

That's why I don't know ... am I like this because I just can't recognize love or is it because I am actually cupioromantic...?

Can I continue to hope that I'll get to my happy romantic couple dream or should I try to ... get over it ?

If it's not too much I would like to have your opinion...

I'm really lost...

Well thank you for having read all of this.

[asexualpanda27]

On 7/4/2021 at 12:49 PM, Clementine said:

Hey...

So ... hum ... Well first, sorry if I make some mistakes while writing ( English isn't my birth langage ).

 

I still don't know if I can say I am cupioromantic for I only learned about this today but this conversation, like, rang a bell for me...

 

I absolutely love romance, it's my favorite type of fiction,  plus I love to help my friends with their crushs and all ! Several time I dreamt of being in the arms of someone and it felt so nice ! I really craved to finally live one of those romance and be in a happy couple... and I've tried...

 

My three only "romantic experience" were absolutely catastrophic...

All of them friends who confessed to me... which made me feel butterflies and all but with time after the breakup I noticed that those butterflies weren't because I had feelings for them but surely for my love of romance itself...

Each of them, by the moment we became a "thing" being with them felt just so ... oppressing... every physical contact felt like torture and several time made want to puke...

Every time I had to see or talk to them ( irl or not ) I just panicked so much that my stomach hurt, the tears would come as well as the irregular breathing...

I had the impression of being trapped or that I had to give them a special part of me, a special part of my attention but that I just couldn't.

Multiple times I thought that if it continued like that I would faint so I ignored the whole thing ( by fleeing them )until either me or them had the gut to breakup...

Due to that I just felt so SO horrible that I wanted to punch myself... but at the same time I felt so relieved that it was all over !

That's why I don't know ... am I like this because I just can't recognize love or is it because I am actually cupioromantic...?

Can I continue to hope that I'll get to my happy romantic couple dream or should I try to ... get over it ?

If it's not too much I would like to have your opinion...

I'm really lost...

Well thank you for having read all of this.

First, I want to say that your labels are yours to choose. If you think cupioromantic fits you and you like it, you can use it! I spent too much time trying to figure out if I fit the exact written definition when really, your labels are whatever make you feel happy. 
 

As for my opinion, it sounds like what you experienced was a panic attack. But beyond that I’m not sure I know enough to make an informed opinion or what you want an opinion on. If you want to dm me I’m more than willing to talk with you one on one! 

[Mark]

On 8/27/2018 at 12:22 PM, Tagor said:

In my opinion, the problem is that there are two major definitions of aromanticism I found. The first, which I found primarily on AVEN, is "somebody who doesn't desire a romantic relationship" and the second is "somebody who doesn't experience romantic attraction, for example never has a crush". Based on the first one, we wouldn't be aromantic, based son the second one, we would. But this one has the the major problem that prove that you're aromantic - you could still have a crush in the future.

AVEN is a resource for asexuals primarily those who are also alloromantic.
At best the definition of aromanticism is from the limited perspective of aro-aces. (Likely excluding any who are romance repulsed.)

An issue with the first definition is that a large minority of allos are uninterested in romantic relationships.

There are a couple of issues with the second definition:
Absence of "romantic attraction" is a much more abstract concept than lack of desire for a romantic relation.
The term "crush" is highly subjective. It's also unclear how a "crush" could reliably be distinguished from a "squish"; intense sexual, sensual, aesthetic or other type of non-romantic attraction. Especially be someone who's never encountered the idea of attraction having,, at least, five flavours.

[Just a Bear]

edit: my thoughts on the matter have changed. 

Edited September 9, 2021 by Ashe.

[nonmerci]

4 hours ago, Ashe. said:

is this not romantic attraction? romantic attraction is the emotional experience that revolves around finding a romantic partner and romantic activities with that partner.. if you crave a romantic relationship, that feeling is romantic attraction for you.

The attraction has to be directed towards someone. If this is just a general feeling like wanting romance in general, it is not romantic attraction.

To say it another way, some people loves the idea of romance and are open to a romantic relationship, without being romantically attracted to people. Cupioromantic will explain it better.

[Leia]

@Ashe.

like @nonmerci mentioned, romantic attraction needs to have a particular target. craving a romantic relationship is not the same as experiencing romantic attraction.

for example, the thought of food makes your mouth water. you can look at food and and think it's tasty, and you might even want it, even though you are already full and couldn't possible eat more. that's more or less what cupioromantics experience. we like the idea of a romantic relationship so much that we want to experience something like that, but we just can't. 

edit: here, romantic attraction would equal to not being completely full and wanting to eat a specific dish because you like it.

Edited July 26, 2021 by Leia Williams