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mika-mok

I am arospec but don’t identify with a lot of representation because i do want to date

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I am cupioromantic (where you don’t feel romantic attraction but still want to be in a romantic relationship) and don’t feel much connection to a lot of content and ‘positivity’ for aspec people, becuase i do want a relationship. Does anyone have any ways to get around this? Just like anyone else, having content i can relate to would really do me good. 

 

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i think we tend to focus on real-world implications of being aro, the main one being our lack of desire, even particular aversion, to romance and traditional relationships, including marriage, because that's really the only thing which others (those not on the spectrum) can perceive, and this amatonormative society can impact us pretty heavily.  i'm sure you know as well as i do that a common response to the statement that you're aro-spec is something along the lines of "so you don't like dating?"  we try to inform that it's not just about what we do or don't like doing, but about how we feel.  and while many of us do have preferences in common, in terms of relationships, the only thing which actually defines us as aro-spec is our lack of romantic attraction.  the lack of discussion around this is surely more noticeable to you because of how it differs from your experience, not unlike the sense of otherness i often feel among fellow heterosexuals (who are also heteroromantic), but that doesn't mean i'm gray-ace or whatever; it means i can relate more to fellow aro heterosexuals (and aros in general, personally).  so i think that's the best solution: look for others like you, find some threads about cupioromanticism or relationships, start your own, check out some tumblr blogs (i follow some aro ones), just keep an eye out.  good luck.

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As an aro who has dated a good bit, I can say that romantic relationships totally can work.  All of mine were before I came out, and I'm really not sure I want to have romantic relationships again (I'm not cupioromantic at all), but if you just communicate well it can work.  I find that I relate to a lot of personal stories about polyamory because of the communication required about people's inner experiences and feelings.  I haven't actually accomplished it since coming out, but I think I could have a relationship with an alloromantic if we communicated about our feelings and boundaries like that.

 

That said, I don't think I've ever seen cupioromantic content, but surely someone's made a cupioromantic blog somewhere.

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I've seen cupio content, but I don't remember where? I think on tumblr. It was about a cupio complaining about how people said aros wanting a romo relationship was just internalized arophobia aromisia and how that was BS.

 

I've always felt like a bad aro since realizing I could experience romantic attraction. I hate the fact that I'm attracted to people, because to me, all intimacy is performative. I don't want to spend the rest of my life fulfilling someone else's idealized image of who they think I am. Like...that's what attraction is to me. Flawed logic that should be something I can reason myself out of. (Granted, I'm also autistic so it's been hard for me to understand why [my own] emotions should be treated different than thoughts or beliefs).

 

I'm currently in a romantic relationship with someone, who knew I was aromantic, but was also aware that aromanticism (like asexuality) is a spectrum. So they're super understanding about things. In general I'm fortunate enough that they're not super stereotypical about their romance expectations, and we both give each other a lot of space to live our own lives. One thing that generally bugs me is that people assume romance automatically means possessiveness, coercive hierarchy, being attached at the hip, etc. but it honestly doesn't have to be. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting any form of intimacy, so long as the practice of it isn't hurting others.

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On 8/14/2018 at 7:05 AM, aro_elise said:

i think we tend to focus on real-world implications of being aro, the main one being our lack of desire, even particular aversion, to romance and traditional relationships, including marriage, because that's really the only thing which others (those not on the spectrum) can perceive, and this amatonormative society can impact us pretty heavily. 

This can also equate as an interest in non-romantic, non traditional, queer, etc relationships.

 

On 8/14/2018 at 7:05 AM, aro_elise said:

 i'm sure you know as well as i do that a common response to the statement that you're aro-spec is something along the lines of "so you don't like dating?" 

I've also encountered this on aro forms. As well as "... don't kissing"; "... don't like affection", "... don't like affection", etc.

 

On 8/14/2018 at 7:05 AM, aro_elise said:

 we try to inform that it's not just about what we do or don't like doing, but about how we feel.  and while many of us do have preferences in common, in terms of relationships, the only thing which actually defines us as aro-spec is our lack of romantic attraction. the lack of discussion around this is surely more noticeable to you because of how it differs from your experience, 

I also often find it it difficult to identify with many aro representations. Since I'd like to be able to do many romantic coded things. Whilst having zero interest in terms of being "in a relationship". 

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On 8/13/2018 at 10:04 PM, mika-mok said:

I am cupioromantic (where you don’t feel romantic attraction but still want to be in a romantic relationship) and don’t feel much connection to a lot of content and ‘positivity’ for aspec people, becuase i do want a relationship. Does anyone have any ways to get around this? Just like anyone else, having content i can relate to would really do me good. 

 

Hey! I am just going to write "my story" I guess. 😂

 

When I first realized I was aromantic I was in a bit of a shock.

 

I thought of myself as the most romantic person I knew (or at least one of). How could I be aromantic? I like romance. But with a bit of reading, I learned about what that meant and I realized my "crushes" had been squishes all along.

It was a bit confusing, at first. I couldn't really differentiate my feelings. I went to my best friend ever (I appreciate you, Lylu) and asked her a LOT of questions. She is alloromantic, so I figured it would be wiser to ask her about romance, rather than thinking about it for myself since I don't quite understand the concept. Her answers helped me accept that I really was aromantic.

 

However, simply accepting it as the truth does not mean that you are happy about it. For a while I thought constantly about just what that discovery could mean, in the long term. Would I never have a boyfriend, then? Do I even want a boyfriend, or is it just something society has made me believe I needed? I wanted a companion, someone to hug me and really get me. Someone I could stay up all night talking to. Did that mean I wanted a romantic relationship?

 

For a while I thought so. I thought I needed that kind of bond.

I identified with the term "cupioromantic." Though I could never feel the romantic attraction, I felt like I really wanted a boyfriend. No, I needed one.

How did my thinking change?

 

There is this guy, let's just call him Vet, who I was friends with since elementary school. Unfortunately, when I was in fourth grade I moved away, and we didn't hear from each other for nearly seven years. I had to move again, this time closer to the country I was originally from, and for some reason we came back in touch. We messaged for days on the weeks before my move and we really bonded. I was dazzled. I felt very comfortable talking to him and if I pictured us dating, it seemed like an okay thing to do. At the time, I thought I was something very close to in love.

This "reunion" happened five months before I found out I was aromantic. 

 

When I moved, life was a big hectic. I had a new school and a new everything and we had to stop messaging. But I still thought about him every now and then, and the feelings would return. 

 

About six months passed and we started texting again. But this time, I had a brand new perspective. 

I knew how to distinguish between a crush and a squish now. I decided I would figure out just how I felt about him.

 

Vet is the person I have liked most intensely in my whole life. So intensely, six months ago I was sure it was a crush. But when I thought about actually doing romantic related things with him (kissing, flirting, holding hands, etc), the good feelings I would get when I talk to him would be kind of.. ruined. I may be open to a relationship with him, but... I don't necessarily want one. This is fine. What we have is fine. And I realized all I really need is to have a friend. A close friend who will do all those things I mentioned (hugging, talking, understanding). That, for me, is enough. I don't need any more. From that world-turning moment I was sure: if I never got any closer to him than I am now, I would not mind. Actually, I would prefer it if things stayed just the way they are. We're close friends, we talk everyday and we share a bond. And it may not be a romantic bond, but it's the bond I have always wanted.

 

Sorry if I just rambled and spammed for no reason.. I hope that helped somehow.

In my case, I think I was.. I don't want to say in denial.. but confused about what I wanted. Asking my friends and analyzing my most intense "crush" helped me realize just what were my needs and that helped me feel a bit more comfortable with my identity. :) 

 

Thanks for reading this far 😂

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