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Were those even squishes?

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From what I have read, squishes can feel a lot like crushes (nerves, wanting to be liked back, etc). I have experienced these feelings for people, so once I realized I was aroace I figured these experiences were squishes. But then I realized the objects of these squishes were either straight guys or queer girls/enbys. In other words, people who have the capacity to be attracted to me (a cis girl). I have never "squished" on a straight girl before and this pattern got me thinking about compulsory sexual and romo attraction.


I appreciate people aesthetically and/or admire personality and sense of humor. When these feelings were directed to a guy or a queer girl/enby) I assumed they constituted a crush. I like...inserted their sexuality into mine, if that makes sense? My brain would go, "Oh. I like him as a person and find him interesting and fun to talk to. Guess I must be straight then." Or if I knew a girl or enby was queer, I would have the same thought process and assume I was bisexual. And then I would get really stressed.


Romo people view crushes as stressful too but it seems more like an excitement kind of stress. As in, the foundation of their anxious feelings is romantic attraction, which has largely been described to me a positive, thrilling experience in spite of its pitfalls. Whereas my stress comprised of dread at the fact that I had to date them since that was the "logical" next step. 


Then I learned about squishes and figured that is what they were. But now that I think about it, I think I just wanted these people as friends and then gave myself anxiety over them because I thought they were crushes. I would feel pressured to date them just because I liked them just as platonically and aesthetically as I liked my straight girlfriends or even straight women in general. There was never anything "more." I just felt like there had to be because amatonormativity and compulsory sexuality are powerful forces. 


Anyways, I do not think this is how romo or sexual attraction works. Like, straight dudes fall for gay women. Straight girls can fall for gay guys. Gay women fall or straight women. Gay men fall for straight dudes. Whereas in my aroace case (lol rhyme), I literally had no agency and just assumed another person's attraction/orientation to be my own as well. 


These are just reflections on past experiences that happened before I knew I was aroace. Now that I know my orientation, I think time will tell. Maybe I will have a squish! They sound fun. But if I never get one then that's okay too.  I'm happy with the love I feel for my friends and family.


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When I learnt about the concept of a squish, I reevaluated my "crushes" too. For most of them I realised that I just thought "I would match quite well with this girl" and decided I now had a crush on them, but I think one was a squish as I really wanted to get to know her better and be her friend. I didn't have the same thing with any of my male friends.


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