Demisexuality, sex drive and the emotional bond

[Queen of Spades]

There has only been one boy I've been sexually attracted to: my best friend. We used to sleep with each other and I loved it. We were only buddies when I started developing sexual feelings for him, but on the other hand, I also had a friend-crush on him, which proved to be successful. The stronger our friendship became, the stronger my desire for him. Being intimate with him felt so good every time, and self-pleasing was nothing compared to that. It was like my whole sex drive was there only because there was someone I was attracted to. It's been more than a year since we came back to being platonic best friends, as he didn't think we would work out as life partners. On the one hand I'm heartbroken and it hurts that I want to cuddle with him, hold his hand, give him cute pecks and I can't do it anymore. But on the other hand, my desire for him has not faded in the slightest. More often than not I long to do all those things, I crave to feel his body close to mine. But the impossibility of that has no effect on my system... it just make me very sad and it is hard... And yet, the idea of having sex with a guy, other than him, grosses me out. And since he is not available anymore, abstinence is like second nature to me. I don't even feel the need to... you know. Is this because I'm demisexual? 

[Eklinaar]

I don't think I'm demisexual, but I've questioned whether I am for quite some time because my sexuality behaves somewhat like this.  I'm usually, but not always, only attracted to someone I've been friends with for a while.  My sex drive doesn't fade completely when there's no one reciprocating my interest, but it does fade significantly.  Being with someone else doesn't gross me out, but I'm polyamorous so that might explain that part.  But like you, having reciprocal sexual interest on top of an emotional bond is for me such a different and far more intense experience from simply being horny that I'm not sure they're even the same kind of phenomenon.

 

I understand feeling heartbroken and wanting to be affectionate.  I'm sorry you're going through that.  It's tough.  I hope you two will be able to work out something more satisfying in the future.

[omitef]

I'm demisexual and all of this post is a mood

[Queen of Spades]

7 hours ago, omitef said:

I'm demisexual and all of this post is a mood

What do you mean? 

7 hours ago, Eklinaar said:

 

I understand feeling heartbroken and wanting to be affectionate.  I'm sorry you're going through that.  It's tough.  I hope you two will be able to work out something more satisfying in the future

Thank you for your empathy ^_^. It's alright. The reason why we can't be life partners is that he wants children while I don't. But I am infinitely thankful to have him as my best friend <3. 

 

 

[Silyun]

I identify as demisexual and I relate to everything you said.

 

23 hours ago, Ice Queen said:

 And yet, the idea of having sex with a guy, other than him, grosses me out. And since he is not available anymore, abstinence is like second nature to me.

 

That's basically the story of my life haha.

 

You know, even if you're not 100% sure, it's okay to identify as demisexual if you feel that you fit in this category. You can always identify as something else in the future, sexuality is fluid after all

 

Oh and I'm sorry it didn't work out with him, it's tough

 

 

[Queen of Spades]

1 hour ago, Silyun said:

 

 

You know, even if you're not 100% sure, it's okay to identify as demisexual if you feel that you fit in this category. You can always identify as something else in the future, sexuality is fluid after all

 

 

 

I think you misunderstood. I AM certain that I'm demisexual. What I was confused about was whether it is because of my demisexuality that my sex drive "behaves" like this. ^_^

[Silyun]

31 minutes ago, Ice Queen said:

I think you misunderstood. I AM certain that I'm demisexual. What I was confused about was whether it is because of my demisexuality that my sex drive "behaves" like this.

 

Oh you're right, sorry ^^"

[omitef]

@Ice Queen I meant that everything you said is super relatable. "Since he is not available anymore, abstinence is like second nature to me. I don't even feel the need to... you know." Yeah basically.

[aro_elise]

wow, this is so interesting to me 'cause i'm definitely not demi.  so that's the best perspective i can contribute: it sounds like this is the case for you since you are demi, based on the fact that i can't relate.  basically, i'd sleep with any guy(s) (i'm poly) i was significantly attracted to and felt comfortable with, if the situation presented itself.  it just hasn't (well, with my ex, but long story).  my sex drive is unrelated to this.  a relationship like that does sound cool, but i'm glad you're still close with him.    

[Tagor]

On 8/6/2018 at 10:21 PM, Ice Queen said:

On the one hand I'm heartbroken and it hurts that I want to cuddle with him, hold his hand, give him cute pecks and I can't do it anymore. But on the other hand, my desire for him has not faded in the slightest. More often than not I long to do all those things, I crave to feel his body close to mine. But the impossibility of that has no effect on my system... it just make me very sad and it is hard... And yet, the idea of having sex with a guy, other than him, grosses me out.

This part seems to be normal. At least this is what this TED talk seems to suggest. The whole talk is interesting, but here's a transkript of the applying part: 

Spoiler

So anyway, we found activity in three brain regions. We found activity in the brain region, in exactly the same brain region associated with intense romantic love. What a bad deal. You know, when you've been dumped, the one thing you love to do is just forget about this human being, and then go on with your life -- but no, you just love them harder. As the poet Terence, the Roman poet once said, he said, "The less my hope, the hotter my love." And indeed, we now know why. Two thousand years later, we can explain this in the brain. That brain system -- the reward system for wanting, for motivation, for craving, for focus -- becomes more active when you can't get what you want. In this case, life's greatest prize: an appropriate mating partner.

 

[humantoafault]

On 8/28/2018 at 4:09 PM, Tagor said:

At least this is what this TED talk seems to suggest. The whole talk is interesting, but here's a transkript of the applying part:

  Hide contents

So anyway, we found activity in three brain regions. We found activity in the brain region, in exactly the same brain region associated with intense romantic love. What a bad deal. You know, when you've been dumped, the one thing you love to do is just forget about this human being, and then go on with your life -- but no, you just love them harder. As the poet Terence, the Roman poet once said, he said, "The less my hope, the hotter my love." And indeed, we now know why. Two thousand years later, we can explain this in the brain. That brain system -- the reward system for wanting, for motivation, for craving, for focus -- becomes more active when you can't get what you want. In this case, life's greatest prize: an appropriate mating partner.

 

Huh. Can't relate. When my crushes have no interest in me,I move on with no looking back. At least, the time or two I have had crushes. (I had thought they were interested in me because they kept talking to and paying attention to me, which is how my crush started, but when it became apparent they weren't into me, I was just like. Oh,okay. Whatever.)