Not entirely sure where I fit in, but hi!

[eatingcroutons]

.

[Neir]

Welcome!!  Here is some courtesy virtual ice cream as a welcome gift: 

Questioning yourself and even changing your mind at some point is totally ok. Sometimes it takes a while to get a grasp of our feelings, and I think I can say that we'll all do our best to support you and help you figure things out if you need.

[eatingcroutons]

Thanks for the ice-cream, and the welcome! I really appreciate it ?

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

Nice to meet you!

[snapesonalane]

Yup I definitely understand a lot of what you're going through. I am asexual though so there's on small difference. But apart from that yeah I've never really, like seriously actually wanted a relationship. I'm at that age where all your friends start pairing up and here I am, still never having been in a relationship.

Personally for me, I've liked this idea of a queerplatonic relationship or something in between that and romantic. Just having a companion that I can be myself with and share life experiences but without romantic feelings.

It's gonna sound really weird, but sort of how I'm myself with my mom. I feel like I can tell my mom everything and we rely on each other for support. For me having a relationship like that with someone, a companion of sorts, sounds perfect! 

Well, I hope we can all help you figure it out!

[eatingcroutons]

On 5/21/2018 at 3:51 AM, snapesonalane said:

I'm at that age where all your friends start pairing up and here I am, still never having been in a relationship.

Haha, I passed that age a long time ago. Then I passed the age when all my friends started getting married. Then I passed the age when all my friends started having kids. And here's me, still like... nope, not interested.

 

To be honest, if I picture my ideal future it's living in a shared house with maybe 3-4 friends, some of whom may have partners and/or kids, but with whom I have zero romantic expectations or commitments. You know?

[snapesonalane]

6 hours ago, eatingcroutons said:

Haha, I passed that age a long time ago. Then I passed the age when all my friends started getting married. Then I passed the age when all my friends started having kids. And here's me, still like... nope, not interested.

 

To be honest, if I picture my ideal future it's living in a shared house with maybe 3-4 friends, some of whom may have partners and/or kids, but with whom I have zero romantic expectations or commitments. You know?

 

Some of my friends are also starting to get married and I've no doubt babies are only a couple years away ? 

 

But yes! I'm not into very crowded homes but when I think of an ideal future I usually do think of living with 1-2 friends, though I personally like the idea of queerplatonic relationships that are sort of in that vein. 

[NullVector]

Hi Crou! Welcome to arocalypse! 

 

On 5/18/2018 at 6:55 PM, eatingcroutons said:

for the last few months I've been trying out things like telling people who ask about my love life, "I don't do relationships," and that… feels right to me, in a way that's actually kind of liberating.

Yeah, that was my experience. Even just telling myself, never mind other people, that I didn't have to do that stuff ever, if I didn't feel like it, felt very freeing.

 

On 5/18/2018 at 6:55 PM, eatingcroutons said:

After a fairly long time struggling with this internally, I've finally worked up the courage to actually approach aro-centred communities in the hope that I'll be able to find people to talk to about all this stuff, and help me understand and come to terms with it all.

Glad to have you here  . So, after reading your intro, I was wondering about this next part...

 

On 5/18/2018 at 6:55 PM, eatingcroutons said:

I guess what I'm struggling with right now is the idea that it's not just that romantic relationships aren't a priority for me yet, or that I haven't found the right person -- but that I might never be interested in romantic relationships. And coming to terms with that is… well, it's something I would really appreciate having understanding people to talk to about!

 

It could be helpful to identify where the 'struggle' aspects of this are coming from? Is it that you're worried other people won't be accepting? You're worried you'll look back in decades to come and feel you missed out on key human experiences? You're worried that your 40s and 50s could get lonely as friends pair up, have kids and drop out of the social milieu to a much greater extent? You're worried that there isn't any automatic 'script' you can follow in terms of where meaning in your life would come from in the next 20-30 years? (not from settling down and raising a family, which is the default for most people). Other things?

 

I wonder about the above stuff as I move through my 30s and watch friends getting married and starting families. So I'm interested in the perspective of a fellow 30-something .

 

P.S. Fellow STEM PhD academia escapee here too! 

 

[eatingcroutons]

On 5/27/2018 at 2:14 AM, NullVector said:

It could be helpful to identify where the 'struggle' aspects of this are coming from?

Whooo more ice-cream! Thanks for the welcome! 

.

[NullVector]

On 5/28/2018 at 5:44 PM, eatingcroutons said:

but it's still very new to me so I'm sort of... recalibrating

Recalibrating... I like that way of putting it! I also kind of assumed, by default, that I would end up with The One at some key (later!) point in my life; but did absolutely nothing to make it happen!

 

On 5/28/2018 at 5:44 PM, eatingcroutons said:

I've long since made peace with the fact that every life decision involves "missing out" on some things to experience others.

Yeah, totally, right on! If I don't 'settle down' and have kids, it leaves me free to do things in the middle third of my life that somebody with a family couldn't do 

 

On 5/28/2018 at 5:44 PM, eatingcroutons said:

So... having come to the end of your questions it seems like none of those things are serious problems for me? (In which case seriously, what am I actually worrying about here? ? )

Glad I could help!