Friend in a toxic relationship...HELP

[yenyyoo]

Two years ago one of my closest friends had made an internet friend (we can call him Vicky) that she basically became QPPs with(she doesn't have that concept in her vocab). She is allo but this person was someone she was able to connect with on a very deep and emotional level (of course there was a period when she did have romantic feelings for this guy but that's another story). For two years, there wasn't one conversation where she didn't bring him up and honestly I was just happy that she had someone she could confide so much in. but recently (for about 6 months) they have begun fighting a lot and I could finally see how much of a toxic relationship it was.

Basically, my friend put a lot of effort into maintaining the relationship but Vicky wasn't as committed. He would say to her, he would be there for her, he would always have her back, and he would always put her first. But that was usually all the things she had to do for him and it took a lot out of her. I remember seeing how emotionally drained she would be after she had to deal with one of his moods.He expected her to understand him completely without even having a chance to talk or communicate, and he wanted her to put up with his ridiculous moods. And he neglected her when she came to him. At first he seemed to listen and care, she did tell him a lot of her insecurities and worries and he became a vault of her secrets, but as time went on he kept on answering her with insincere replies and wasn't even present whenever they talked. He put other people above her and in general she really couldn't complain about it because he told her that he has every right to have relationships outside of her. And I respect that, but it's a problem when she becomes the last person on his mind and he generally stops caring about her.

Also, when they fight, it always ends with her apologizing for "being inconsiderate" about his feelings and she told me she rarely hears him apologize to her. He is always in the right and she is always the one who messes up.

She realizes how much of a shitty guy he is and is finally trying to get him out of her life. But, she has difficulty bringing up the topic of cutting ties. Is there anything I could do for her. I'm trying to be by her side but I want to know if there is anything else I could do

[arokaladin]

Oh my gosh that's awful for her. I would say help her write something out beforehand to help her if she want to raise the topic of cutting ties, though I don't entirely see why she has to. As much as possible I'd just say to drop him. He's an ass and doesn't deserve an explanation. As for supporting your friend, I think the best thing is just to be there for her as much as possible, and keep in mind that even though her relationship with this guy wasn't good or healthy, it was very intense and important to her from the sounds of it, so she likely will feel a little lost without it. Making sure she can vent to you if she needs it is important, as is making sure you have as much time for her as possible. (since you say she talked about him all the time it feels like they were probably talking all the time too?) Also make sure to reiterate that she's not to blame as even though she's accepted that now, it could get more difficult after she has to cut him out and move on. Good luck to both of you.

[Holmbo]

That sounds terrible
I agree with Arokaladin that she doesn't need to explain herself. She has every right to just stop communicating with him, maybe send him a short message just to let him know not to contact her again.

[Apathetic Echidna]

so their communication has been on various screens? like computer and phone? 

Studies have shown that the reward feelings you get when you check your phone and see something pleasing can form an addiction. She in the past has probably been happy when she received communication from him so she actually may have a sort of addiction to their communication, no matter how terrible of a situation it is now she has these habits. Maybe something that would help her is if she has some sort of alternative (like a smoker trying to quit having a pen to play with and chew on) maybe try to find a game or a get yourself and other friends to communicate with her online or by phone more. Replace his way of interacting with her by having other friends interacting in the same ways so she doesn't focus on what she is missing out (and thus focusing on him). But yes, she totally has to drop him. He sounds inconsiderate and flakey.