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briesplease

Platonic connections in a romantic world

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Do folks feel like the only way they'll feel truly understood in a relationship unless the other person is also arospec? 

 

Like I feel because romance is so emphasized even in my very intimate platonic relationships it's understood that your platonic friendships will become less important/intense once romantic companionship is found. 

 

I don't necessarily see my life going in a direction where any of my friends becomes a permanent QPP because I value my solitude, but like I feel like I'll always kind of be looking to be fully understood unless I meet another arospec person whom I connect with. 

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Yes, I feel this way.  Even my closest friends who know me well are still confused by my experience of intimacy and attraction.  The conversions I've had with people on this forum have made that even more clear.  It's doubly difficult for me since I'm nonbinary, too.

 

I find it very difficult to develop intimate relationships, which is ironic, since I run a polyamory discussion group.  But most people want romance and infatuation, things I can't provide.  Like you, I value my solitude, but a life without intimacy is not satisfying, and friendships aren't enough when all my friends prioritize their romantic relationships over friendships.  I haven't been intimate with anyone who is arospec, but I assume it would avoid a lot of the problems I usually encounter.  But I'm sure there would be other issues.  People are complicated.

 

I've had a few long term intimate relationships, but they all ended for the same reasons.  I'd like some sort of long term partner (cohabitation optional), but I still haven't met someone compatible.

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1 hour ago, Eklinaar said:

Yes, I feel this way.  Even my closest friends who know me well are still confused by my experience of intimacy and attraction.  The conversions I've had with people on this forum have made that even more clear.  It's doubly difficult for me since I'm nonbinary, too.

 

I find it very difficult to develop intimate relationships, which is ironic, since I run a polyamory discussion group.  But most people want romance and infatuation, things I can't provide.  Like you, I value my solitude, but a life without intimacy is not satisfying, and friendships aren't enough when all my friends prioritize their romantic relationships over friendships.  I haven't been intimate with anyone who is arospec, but I assume it would avoid a lot of the problems I usually encounter.  But I'm sure there would be other issues.  People are complicated.

 

I've had a few long term intimate relationships, but they all ended for the same reasons.  I'd like some sort of long term partner (cohabitation optional), but I still haven't met someone compatible.

 

I agree with you about needing a life with intimacy which is what is so confusing for some people, I think, about the arospec identity. Every nonplatonic intimate relationship (I've only been in one "officially romantic" relationship) I've been in has ended due to issues with romance and infatuation. I have a few sensual relationships with my closest friends who are not arospec, but I feel like I'm just waiting for them all to find a romantic partner, and I hate that feeling. I know they love me, but it's hard to convey that I feel their intimacy is important in my life without them thinking it's possessive, or romantic. 

 

I also don't feel like I want to come out as arospec to everyone I meet, which sometimes feels like the solution but I know it's not. It also ruins the idea of trying to meet someone "organically".

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20 hours ago, Eklinaar said:

I find it very difficult to develop intimate relationships, which is ironic, since I run a polyamory discussion group.  But most people want romance and infatuation, things I can't provide. 

I can't either provide or tolerate romance.

 

20 hours ago, Eklinaar said:

Like you, I value my solitude, but a life without intimacy is not satisfying, and friendships aren't enough when all my friends prioritize their romantic relationships over friendships.

There are times when I want solitude there are also times when I want company and companionship. I'm a somewhat extrovert leaning ambivert. To me it's as much the difficulty finding people who will do romantic coded things (even those which aren't sexual or sensual) with friends as much as the issue of prioritisation.

 

20 hours ago, Eklinaar said:

I've had a few long term intimate relationships, but they all ended for the same reasons.

I've tried the mono romantic stuff exactly once. That was more than enough.
 

 

20 hours ago, Eklinaar said:

I've had a few long term intimate relationships, but they all ended for the same reasons.  I'd like some sort of long term partner (cohabitation optional), but I still haven't met someone compatible.

Cohabitation is something I'd never be interested in. Also not sure I could cope with someone who wanted me as their only partner.

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On 03/12/2017 at 10:40 AM, briesplease said:

Do folks feel like the only way they'll feel truly understood in a relationship unless the other person is also arospec? 

I assume it would be much easier if the other person was arospec, it certainly would make physical intimacy and sex less less romantically threatening in a long term relationship.

 

None of my friends have come out as arospec but some of them are seemingly indifferent to romantic partners for various reasons (one friend has been 'getting ready to move to Canada' for the past 8 years, so refuses to start relationships). These friends make a conscious choice to put friendships (and friendship attentiveness) and/or careers above romantic relationships for the moment, so I feel we understand each other quite well. None of us see a romantic partner as the best part, or even an integral aspect of living. These are the sorts of friends I would pick from to start a deeper relationship such as a QPR as I don't imagine a romance could change them too dramatically out of the limerence stage, even if that did mean most physical intimacy and sex were not options with them~ but then they wouldn't get jealous if I went off to get that casually elsewhere. 

 

Also maybe a good thing to note that for me basically a very close relationship is based on cohabitation, so it makes extra sense to live with friends. Living alone is basically not an option for me even though I enjoy solitude. Too much solitude during my wind-down time and I start going nuts. So it is good to know there is no possibility of romantic attraction developing when I have to spend so much delicate time with a person. 

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1 hour ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

Also maybe a good thing to note that for me basically a very close relationship is based on cohabitation, so it makes extra sense to live with friends. Living alone is basically not an option for me even though I enjoy solitude. Too much solitude during my wind-down time and I start going nuts. So it is good to know there is no possibility of romantic attraction developing when I have to spend so much delicate time with a person. 

 

I definitely fantasize more about living with my close friends than I ever have about my partners, but they're all monogamous and married and would think that's weird.  I have lived alone and rather liked it, but living with someone I get along with very well is a very appealing idea.

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