How easy it is to discover aromanticism online?

[arokaladin]

On ‎31‎/‎03‎/‎2018 at 9:05 AM, Mark said:

My feeling is that the 'only in conjunction with "asexual"' is likely to be a barrier here.
Many aros are likely to see the "asexual", "Asexual Visbility and Education Network" or similar and see it as nit applicable to them.

Plus even when aromanticism is mentioned along with asexuality, it's never in anywhere near as much depth. I'm lucky in that accepting my asexuality became a springboard to accepting my aromanticism. If I wasn't ace I have no idea how long it would have taken for me to admit that to myself because aromanticism is even more stigmatised I think and realising it can be a huge jump all at once. We need more resources for questioning aro people that treat it as an orientation in and of itself that may or may not come with being asexual because at the moment the only way into aromanticism is asexuality.

[Mark]

19 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I didn't figure out I was aro until a little less than two years ago, even though I'd always known that a. something was different about me, b. I was neither straight nor gay, c. I had never liked anyone, and d. I wasn't asexual. I spent most of my teenage years losing my mind over it, and I was actually part of a very nice and welcoming LGBTQ+ group that was even open to more "unusual" identities like demi- or gray- whatever...

But, alas, not open to allosexual and aromantic. 

 

19 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

But I never knew it was possible to be aro and not ace, because absolutely nobody talked about aromanticism outside of asexuality. To me, there were aces, there were aroaces, and I was clearly not one of them, so that was that. Every time I mentioned my confusion over my orientation, people would just tell me "Oh, sounds like you're asexual!", which didn't help at all.

It's not terribly hard to find out about "asexuals... oh and I guess some of them are also aromantic", but it IS hard to find out about aromantics.

Often all you can find brief mention along the lines "non all aromantics are also asexual".
There appears to be far more representation of alloromantic asexuals than there is of aromantic allosexuals.

[Mae_]

I remember I had a hard time finding aromanticism, I had to do a lot of googling before anything with the term aromantic came up! I wish there was more awareness and visibility on it.

[nonmerci]

Though I wrote more than once "I've never been in a relationship" in Google or "I like to be single" or things like that, the term never showed up. It's only when I looked for what asexuality was that I discover aromanticism. I had seen the term used before, but it was about Light in Death Note, so I thought it meant "psychopath" (and the way it was used didn't help).

[Cinereus]

On 3/31/2018 at 12:19 PM, arokaladin said:

Plus even when aromanticism is mentioned along with asexuality, it's never in anywhere near as much depth. I'm lucky in that accepting my asexuality became a springboard to accepting my aromanticism. If I wasn't ace I have no idea how long it would have taken for me to admit that to myself because aromanticism is even more stigmatised I think and realising it can be a huge jump all at once. We need more resources for questioning aro people that treat it as an orientation in and of itself that may or may not come with being asexual because at the moment the only way into aromanticism is asexuality.

 

Very much this - it took accepting I was ace to accept that I was aro, even when I had been in the larger queer/LGBTQIA+ community for years and hearing the term off and on - other than in the very small aroace pockets of the ace community, it was always mentioned in such shallow, flippant ways that I felt like it couldn't possibly be my experience. I wouldn't consider it for the longest time because I knew so few actual facts about it and had internalized so much stigma around it. I can't imagine how hard it would be to fully consider it, let alone find it, if one wasn't already knee-deep in self-reflection around gender and sexuality - my understanding and acceptance of my aro-ness is so inseparable from how many societal norms I had to unlearn to accept my being trans and bi and ace. 

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

On 4/20/2018 at 10:56 AM, nonmerci said:

Though I wrote more than once "I've never been in a relationship" in Google or "I like to be single" or things like that, the term never showed up. It's only when I looked for what asexuality was that I discover aromanticism. I had seen the term used before, but it was about Light in Death Note, so I thought it meant "psychopath" (and the way it was used didn't help).

 

Oh my GOD that's. I'm. Holy shit, this is exactly why we need aro representation- both in terms of canon and headcanons, because it doesn't exactly give us a good image when every cheerful character gets to be headcanoned as 20 different orientations, but the only characters people ever headcanon as aro are Light Yagami, BBC "Hi my name's Steven Moffat and I somehow missed the deep friendship between Holmes and Watson in the books but I read the word 'sociopath' in a magazine once and now I think I'm clever" Sherlock Holmes, and that one guy from Les Mis (who admittedly isn't necessarily bad, but I'd like a little something more than a fairly minor character in a love story, please).

 

Honestly, though, on the subject of aromanticism taking a backseat to asexuality... Speaking as a bisexual aro, that did definitely do me some damage, and continues to. I was exposed to plenty of LGBTQ+ stuff but I didn't realize I was aro until I was 18 or so, because nobody ever talked about aromanticism. When I was still questioning, and frequently very upset and frustrated by it, I'd get a lot of "Oh, you sound like you're asexual!", but I knew I wasn't. And that pissed me off, partly because I didn't like people labeling me and deciding what they thought I must be, and partly because... Well, it didn't exactly help that feeling of hopelessness. If I'm not straight, gay, bi, or pan, and I'm not asexual or demisexual either, then... What am I? What other options are there? I'm nothing. There is no label for me. I will never belong anywhere. At least, that's how it felt when I was a teenager, and it was pretty awful.

And honestly? I don't feel like I'm on good terms with the ace community at all. Like, don't get me wrong, I support aces 100% and I will always fight for them, but it doesn't feel like they would show me the same respect. I don't feel any more solidarity with allo aces than any other orientation, and even with my friends, even ones I know are supportive of aros, I don't usually feel comfortable talking about aro stuff with allo aces. I've had to sit through so many positivity posts and "pride" compilations and blah blah that include aces, but not aros, and the ace community so often pushes the "We can feel love, just like anyone else!! That's why you should accept us! :)" thing that it just makes me feel like allo aces neither like nor care about aros. (Which must be hell for aroaces, god, I'm sorry to those of you who have to deal with that from your own community.)

Our communities have so much in common,  and so much overlap. We need to support each other. Acknowledging our differences is important, but there's a difference between acknowledging that the aro community isn't the same as the ace community while also supporting them, and... just not talking about or supporting aros at all. I feel like aro/ace solidarity is something of a one-way street right now, and that the ace community really isn't making much of an effort to support their aro siblings. I would have my ace friends' backs in a heartbeat if they needed it, but I don't at all feel like they'd do the same for me.

[arokaladin]

4 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

 I've had to sit through so many positivity posts and "pride" compilations and blah blah that include aces, but not aros, and the ace community so often pushes the "We can feel love, just like anyone else!! That's why you should accept us! :)" thing that it just makes me feel like allo aces neither like nor care about aros. (Which must be hell for aroaces, god, I'm sorry to those of you who have to deal with that from your own community.)

I constantly forget I'm asexual because I'm so alienated from and uninvolved in the asexual community so yeah... being aroace in our current situation is... weird. At least I can somewhat explain my orientation to people via asexuality first, and had asexuality as a road to discovering my aromanticism though. I'm very aware that as much as people trample on and ignore my asexual aromanticism, allosexual aromantics have the same experiences tenfold. There's a really clear hierarchy in the aspec community/communities of alloaces > aroaces > aroallos and it's so fucking gross. really needs to change for so many reasons, visibility and otherwise. It helps no one.

[nonmerci]

5 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

 

Oh my GOD that's. I'm. Holy shit, this is exactly why we need aro representation- both in terms of canon and headcanons, because it doesn't exactly give us a good image when every cheerful character gets to be headcanoned as 20 different orientations, but the only characters people ever headcanon as aro are Light Yagami, BBC "Hi my name's Steven Moffat and I somehow missed the deep friendship between Holmes and Watson in the books but I read the word 'sociopath' in a magazine once and now I think I'm clever" Sherlock Holmes, and that one guy from Les Mis (who admittedly isn't necessarily bad, but I'd like a little something more than a fairly minor character in a love story, please).

Yeah, I know? That's why I'm so mad at Big Bang Theory and Riverdale. BBT because though I think Sheldon's demi side is credible, the show sounds like he became "normal" when he felt in love with Amy. And Riverdale because they turned Jughead into a hetero. I know that a lot of things change between the comic and the show, in particular with Jughead character; but I know that if it had been another romantic/sexual minority, they wouldn't have changed it just because they thought he and Betty would make a great couple (and I'm still wondering how this idea came to their mind; when Jug kissed Betty for the first time, it was one of the rare times, if not the only one, when I thought "what the fuck is going on?" in front of a kiss). The worst was that the actor who plays Jug asked them to keep is aroaceness, and when Jug started to date, he asked them to at least keep his asexuality. Failed. Riverdale is a good show, but I'm so mad at them for that.

 

After discovering what asexuality was and be sure that I was, I never went back on AVEN. I understand that allo aces need to talk about they are not attracted sexually. But personally, I consider being not romantically attracted is a better part of my identity, and that I happen to not be sexually actracted as well is accessory. I don't feel like I need to talk about it. I think it would be different if I was alloromantic, but I'm aro, so...

In fact I think it's more difficult to be aro allo, because you have to deal with so much judgments : when you have sex without love, you are seen as a bitch or an asshole (why, I don't understand). That's must been horrible.

[Mark]

On 20/04/2018 at 3:56 PM, nonmerci said:

Though I wrote more than once "I've never been in a relationship" in Google or "I like to be single" or things like that, the term never showed up.

Though some of the links you get might be describing aro people.
 

On 20/04/2018 at 3:56 PM, nonmerci said:

It's only when I looked for what asexuality was that I discover aromanticism. 

I think this is a big problem.

 

On 20/04/2018 at 3:56 PM, nonmerci said:

I had seen the term used before, but it was about Light in Death Note, so I thought it meant "psychopath" (and the way it was used didn't help).

IMHO Death Note is more an expression of the maxim "Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely". Even though Light starts out intending to kill only criminals he's soon murdering law enforcement.
 

On 20/04/2018 at 9:34 PM, Cinereus said:

Very much this - it took accepting I was ace to accept that I was aro, even when I had been in the larger queer/LGBTQIA+ community for years and hearing the term off and on - other than in the very small aroace pockets of the ace community, it was always mentioned in such shallow, flippant ways that I felt like it couldn't possibly be my experience.

Even withing many LGBT/queer communities there is still the assumption of periorientation.
 

21 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Honestly, though, on the subject of aromanticism taking a backseat to asexuality... Speaking as a bisexual aro, that did definitely do me some damage, and continues to. I was exposed to plenty of LGBTQ+ stuff but I didn't realize I was aro until I was 18 or so, because nobody ever talked about aromanticism. When I was still questioning, and frequently very upset and frustrated by it, I'd get a lot of "Oh, you sound like you're asexual!", but I knew I wasn't.

Sounds like exactly the same (mis)assumption that everyone is perioriented.  Even though at least 11% of people are varioriented.

 

21 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I don't feel like I'm on good terms with the ace community at all. Like, don't get me wrong, I support aces 100% and I will always fight for them, but it doesn't feel like they would show me the same respect.

In truth the "ace community", at least as represented by AVEN, is more the "allo ace community". Even aro aces may not fit in with it that well.
It's kind of ironic since these are some of the few people with a good understanding of variorientation.

 

21 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I don't feel any more solidarity with allo aces than any other orientation, and even with my friends, even ones I know are supportive of aros,

It can also feel that the "aro community" is quite aro ace dominated.
 

22 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I don't usually feel comfortable talking about aro stuff with allo aces. I've had to sit through so many positivity posts and "pride" compilations and blah blah that include aces, but not aros, and the ace community so often pushes the "We can feel love, just like anyone else!!

You can also experience that from LGBT communities too. Especially celebrating 'marriage equality'.

 

16 hours ago, nonmerci said:

After discovering what asexuality was and be sure that I was, I never went back on AVEN. I understand that allo aces need to talk about they are not attracted sexually. But personally, I consider being not romantically attracted is a better part of my identity, and that I happen to not be sexually actracted as well is accessory. I don't feel like I need to talk about it. I think it would be different if I was alloromantic, but I'm aro, so...

In many societies romantic relationships (or at least wanting them) is an expectation. If they are sexual or not may not matter that much. Since sex tends only to happen in private. (It's also possible for someone to treat having sex as a romantic coded activity.) Thus allo aces may not stand out from allo allos that much.
In comparison aros, of any sexual orientation, can find it a lot more difficult to blend into an amantonormative society.
 

16 hours ago, nonmerci said:

In fact I think it's more difficult to be aro allo, because you have to deal with so much judgments : when you have sex without love, you are seen as a bitch or an asshole (why, I don't understand). That's must been horrible.

IME alloromantics can be especially judgemental about things like sexual friendships or doing romantic coded things with friends.
The former often seems to show up with how aros vs allos interpret the phrase "friends with benefits".
The latter also likely to affect aro aces.
Even without the judgement they appear very confused.

[Holmbo]

On 2018-04-22 at 12:28 AM, nonmerci said:

Yeah, I know? That's why I'm so mad at Big Bang Theory and Riverdale. BBT because though I think Sheldon's demi side is credible, the show sounds like he became "normal" when he felt in love with Amy.

 

BBT missed a great opportunity by just getting lazy with Sheldon and Amy. There's so much more potential for funny conflicts when you not go the "standard" relationship ladder.

 

[DaviM703]

I'm taking a speech class in the fall, so I'm thinking of making some kind of speech there that will help improve our visibility, probably also talking about how it's become a thing for schools to assign students to date. I've been working with my former sociology professor on ideas for how we can become more visible.

[Tagor]

I was lucky enough to discover the term "aromantic" on twitter. When I googled this (in german) I found the AVEN subforum quite fast. I couldn't relate to most of the things there, but I at least learnt about the split attraction model and that there once was a special german forum for aromantics. When tried to googling in english, I eventually found this forum.