RandomUser Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 I'm a straight guy (20 years old) and came on this forum to try to better understand myself. It's something that I never did in my life, I tend to keep my thoughts for myself also because people are usually uninterested or give me stupid sterothipical answers. I've never been in a relationship and only tried to be in one when I was 13/14 (without putting to much effort in it). I felt several "strange" things and had "strange" experiences: usually I feel sexually/physically attracted to people I don't know , but not in a strong way, I may only have sexual thoughts that go away very fast. Never felt that "strong drive" people talk about, I don't even understand if such a thing exists and, if it does, what it is like ... so I don't understand if I've ever experienced it (the fact that I'm questioning it, brings me to the conclusion that I've never felt it). Furthermore, in the cases when I'm physically attracted by someone I try to push into my mind that I like that person romantically, but I actually don't ... as soon as I become friend of that person that weak feeling gets destroied (sometimes even before becoming friends)... In some cases (when I was younger) I tried to convince myself that I was romantically attracted by someone but later realised I wasn't (still, never tried actively to get into a relationship with them) even when I wans't physically attracted, I just felt I had to feel something (It's hard to explain) The strange part is that, when I see couples doing the things that couples do I just get unconfortable, almost disgusted; I don't like movies, books etc where the plot contains romantic stuff but stilll, sometimes I think that I want to be in a romantic relationship: more specifically I want to be strongly appreciated and linked by and with someone. You know, like some very strong bound (I write, draw and love philosopy and I would love someone that would stimulate me intellectually... I don't know how to explain it). However I don't like the concept of marriage, I don't understend the concept of love, I don't feel it, I don't know what the hell it is. I'd like sexual relationships but at the same time I don't like sexual relationships that do not involve romantic links between people. I'm in a limbo and I understand very little about all this. People have been telling me that soon or later I'll get with someone (they've been saying it my whole life and still do), some thought I was gay because I've never dated any girl (but I'm sure that I'm straight). Anyway just wanted to present myself by explaining why I'm here in the first place. Sorry for the long post. Hope to talk with interesting people Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apathetic Echidna Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 Welcome! 4 hours ago, GreatNihilist said: It's hard to explain Translating feelings into words is normally hard to explain, but kudos for trying! I sort of understand. So basically any sort of reciprocated attention destroys the feelings or maybe they are just on a timer when they start and so have a fixed expiry? either way they are limited in depth and time. 4 hours ago, GreatNihilist said: more specifically I want to be strongly appreciated and linked by and with someone. You know, like some very strong bound (I write, draw and love philosopy and I would love someone that would stimulate me intellectually... I don't know how to explain it). This sounds pretty much exactly what a QPR is (a Queer Platonic Relationship). Being in a close relationship with someone but not involving certain aspects of a stereotypical romantic couple relationship, for an aromantic it would sort of be like devoted best friends who may or may not have sex. There are a few members currently in QPRs and a few who have been in QPRs ~ or something similar, So they would be able to inform you more about it all. I'm a bit short on time or I would give you a long post too! Anyway, welcome and I hope you find some interesting things in the forums! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomUser Posted November 15, 2017 Author Share Posted November 15, 2017 Thank you for your answer and for your time. I just want to give you a clearer idea about this: 7 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said: So basically any sort of reciprocated attention destroys the feelings or maybe they are just on a timer when they start and so have a fixed expiry? either way they are limited in depth and time. So I need to start by saying that I don't think I've ever felt romantic attraction (I'm saying this because link the word "feelings" to romantic attraction) , however when I felt physical/sexual attraction for someone, the attraction was there only before interacting with that person; after interacting with them and getting to know them (I might still find them attractive) but the desire of intercourse vanishes (even before the other person shows some kind of "affection/interest"). For some time I've been mistaking physical attraction for romantic attraction and later realised that I didn't really know what romantic attraction was (and still don't know XD). In some cases I tried (really hard) to convince myself that I liked someone I knew, but obviouslly it wans't real; I was even forcing myself to think about that person. The more I think about it, the more it seems ridiculus. I started connecting the dots when I started writing about 3 years ago. I could not write romantic relationships. Whenever I tried to they seemed fake, and even the characters "knew" that their relastionship wans't really romantic, but it was almost like they had to be together because that's what people are supposed to do. Hope that It's clearer now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cute kitty Meow! Mewo! Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 hello and welcome! yeah I totalyl get what you mean at being kinda in limbo about all this. I've always known I had... some kind of attraction, but the details of it was confusingly uninspiring compared to how big a deal attraction seems to be to everyone else I slowly started to piece things together when I found out about asexuality and aromanticism, but it was especially hard 'cause I'm not quite without but not quite full attraction but I figured out that "Greysexual" works well enough and "demiromantic" just about hits it right. I hope you find this place very helpful for you as you figure out some good words to help explain and identify your orientation too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apathetic Echidna Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 Thanks for extrapolating on that point. It is a clearer understanding for me now though I still can't relate personally 15 hours ago, GreatNihilist said: I could not write romantic relationships. Whenever I tried to they seemed fake, and even the characters "knew" that their relastionship wans't really romantic, but it was almost like they had to be together because that's what people are supposed to do. I can't write romance either! Maybe this point should go in the 'You Might Be Aro If...' topic, the inability (or lack of desire) to write romantic relationships and romance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomUser Posted November 16, 2017 Author Share Posted November 16, 2017 10 hours ago, cute kitty Meow! Mewo! said: I've always known I had... some kind of attraction, but the details of it was confusingly uninspiring compared to how big a deal attraction seems to be to everyone else Exactly, people seem to make it a huge deal. People tell me that it's so strong it's impossible to not realise you felt it, so I just gave up on trying to understand it 10 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said: I can't write romance either! Maybe this point should go in the 'You Might Be Aro If...' topic, the inability (or lack of desire) to write romantic relationships and romance Yeah, you described it perfectly: inability /lack of desire. I've written about relationships but non-romantic ones. Just now I realise that all the relationships I wrote about are platonic ones without even realising it ... can't even belive it ahahahah Btw thanks for the welcome everyone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeltaAro Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 On 11/14/2017 at 8:38 PM, GreatNihilist said: I'd like sexual relationships but at the same time I don't like sexual relationships that do not involve romantic links between people. No, you probably do. I agree that truly casual sex, that is with feelings of sympathy that don't really go much beyond what you feel for any normal stranger, is very stressful. Contrary to all the stereotypes about men it feels stressful to me, too (obviously the pros still outweigh the cons). Just the effort to put into impeccable looks… If one is in a “booty call acquaintanceship” for a while it gets better. But still… In the perfect aro world, I guess, I would solely have sex with friends whom I can really trust, with strong friendship first (in the real world wanting that is like wanting to ride a unicorn) – but that doesn't have anything to do with romance. Maybe you confuse them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomUser Posted November 16, 2017 Author Share Posted November 16, 2017 10 minutes ago, DeltaV said: In the perfect aro world, I guess, I would solely have sex with friends whom I can really trust, with strong friendship first (in the real world wanting that is like wanting to ride a unicorn) – but that doesn't have anything to do with romance. Maybe you confuse them? Honestly in this period of my life I'm just confused about a lot of shit ahahah For the past 3 years I've been struggling with religious identity. Now sexual and romantic. I like girls for sure but all the stuff linked to it it's just chaos. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NullVector Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 2 hours ago, GreatNihilist said: I like girls for sure but all the stuff linked to it it's just chaos. Haha "chaos", that's a fun way to put it . Sometimes society seems like a gigantic conspiracy, set up solely to drive aros crazy, by pretending that romance is perfectly reasonable and sensible and proper Or, it's like I'm watching some bizzaro incomprehensible magic trick that everyone else just passes off as a mundane, everyday occurrance. WHY AREN'T THEY REACTING TO ALL THE CRAZINESS?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomUser Posted November 16, 2017 Author Share Posted November 16, 2017 6 minutes ago, NullVector said: by pretending that romance is perfectly reasonable and sensible and proper Or, it's like I'm watching some bizzaro incomprehensible magic trick that everyone else just passes off as a mundane, everyday occurrance. WHY AREN'T THEY REACTING TO ALL THE CRAZINESS?! To reach order, society makes meanings and practices up ; when they become normal, society get's blinded by his own constructions, and instead of dealing with the anormality, the system goes on and the intial construct becomes weaker and less inclusive of the members of society. We build our own cages and despise everything outside them. "Love" was never really defined and "Romance" too. People use one word to express something extremly subjective. That's how I see it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NullVector Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 @GreatNihilist Yeah, a lot of societal norms do strike me as fairly arbitrary versus what people's innate preferences might otherwise be. Then again, I suspect I'm a bit odder than average and so my subjective experience of society as being mismatched to individual preferences is probably exaggerated compared to the typical degree of mismatch somebody else (likely less odd) would experience. But who really knows, lol - I only know what it's like inside my own head after all. Maybe other people are in fact odder than they seem to me from just observing them at a casual distance. Maybe I seem less odd to them than I do to myself? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomUser Posted November 17, 2017 Author Share Posted November 17, 2017 @NullVector one thing is sure: our perception of others and the perception that others have of us it's very unprecise. Many people are able to hide their real self very well. People don't even know what my interests are, and based on what they see they make assumptions about me. We need to be very careful when trying to understand how others perceive the world. But anyway, I think that the better thing to do is to live and experience what we can. Maybe we'll find out something about ourselves. In the end the only thing that really metters is how we percive ourselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louis On Air Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 Welcome the land of accepting confusion as the first step towards finding comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James White Posted November 29, 2017 Share Posted November 29, 2017 @GreatNihilist Oh hey a romance-repulsed 20-year-old male who has never dated. People think he's gay sometimes because apparently that's the only explanation they have for such behavior. That story sounds exceedingly familiar. Your intro is a pretty good summary of basically all I thought about in high school. And some of middle school too. Same, on all accounts. ALL OF THEM. Pleased to meet you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomUser Posted November 30, 2017 Author Share Posted November 30, 2017 On 29/11/2017 at 6:57 AM, James said: @GreatNihilist Oh hey a romance-repulsed 20-year-old male who has never dated. People think he's gay sometimes because apparently that's the only explanation they have for such behavior. That story sounds exceedingly familiar. Your intro is a pretty good summary of basically all I thought about in high school. And some of middle school too. Same, on all accounts. ALL OF THEM. Pleased to meet you! Nice to meet you too. Nice to know that I'm not the only one in this situation - I mean ... it would be better if non of us were in this situation, but you get what I mean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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