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[18+] Alternative Relationships for AlloAros?

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Hey, I'm somewhat new to this site (meaning I just joined like 5 minutes ago <<"). I just figured if there was any site that I could find answers without shame or fear, it'd be here. I'm allosexual (gay, specifically) and not at all interested in traditional datemate type relationships. There are aspects of it that I like though: I like the commitment and the security a datemate provides that looser FWBs and hookups don't provide. Also, I'm a very affectionate person, and that can scare off alloromantic folks who don't want to get emotionally attached. This brings me to what I think might be my solution and also the question I have for all of you:

 

Do you think a dom/sub, master/pup, CGL, or any other kink-related relationships (including their non-monogamous counterparts - like packs for puppies) would be a good idea? What kind of personal experiences have you had with these sorts of relationships?

 

Please, if you are going to respond judgmentally, please save it and move on. This is something I am contemplating quite seriously and has been the source of quite a bit of shame for me over the years; please don't pour salt on the wounds.

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I'm Ace so forgive my lack of experience here but it sounds like the types of sexual partnerships you're suggesting are a good idea in your situation. Are there online comminities about where you might find locals looking for the same sort of thing?

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On 25/05/2017 at 6:52 AM, 6star said:

Hey, I'm somewhat new to this site (meaning I just joined like 5 minutes ago <<"). I just figured if there was any site that I could find answers without shame or fear, it'd be here. I'm allosexual (gay, specifically) and not at all interested in traditional datemate type relationships. There are aspects of it that I like though: I like the commitment and the security a datemate provides that looser FWBs and hookups don't provide. Also, I'm a very affectionate person, and that can scare off alloromantic folks who don't want to get emotionally attached. This brings me to what I think might be my solution and also the question I have for all of you:

I must say that I like the term "datemate". Possibly saying you want "non traditional datemate(s)" would go down better than "queer plantonic partner(s)".
 

 

On 25/05/2017 at 6:52 AM, 6star said:

Do you think a dom/sub, master/pup, CGL, or any other kink-related relationships (including their non-monogamous counterparts - like packs for puppies) would be a good idea? What kind of personal experiences have you had with these sorts of relationships?

I'd suggest you sign up to Fetlife look for munches or workshops nearby.
How aro (and LGBT) friendly your local kink community is, alas, down to chance.

Important to stay safe. Best to meet anyone you don't know in a public place and be wary of someone who only wants to meet privately (especially if they also require that you be alone).

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I just wanna throw in the term relationship anarchy. Kink communities seem to be practicing some of the same principles. 🙃

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On 5/27/2017 at 3:50 AM, zəl said:

I just wanna throw in the term relationship anarchy. Kink communities seem to be practicing some of the same principles. 🙃

Polyamorous communities, too. 

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On 5/28/2017 at 0:26 PM, Ettina said:

 

Polyamorous communities, too. 

See, I'm a bit hesitant to get involved with polyamorous communities because of the whole "amor" part of it. While I enjoy that ply communities have that element of compursion and negotiation to their relationships, I get that sinking feeling that people would still have these undue expectations if I were to use the label "poluamorous" or be partnered with people who do. That's partly why I enjoy these alternate labels to describe kinky relationships. Because it is a label that is primarily assigned to a sexual relationship, and it can be used for a romantic one but that's secondary.

 

......I feel like it's not right wanting this for my future though. I know it's something I really want for myself - this partnership and dynamic based around trust and mutual sexual attraction and satisfaction - but something is making me feel like this is something to be ashamed of. Like there's some voice saying "FFS, just get a kinky boyfriend and call it a day." Maybe it's because I've never really met anyone in a long-term kinky relationship. Maybe it's because my dash has been serving me up a bunch of bull about doms. Maybe it's just pure amanormativity pushing me towards a romantic, monogamous relationship.

 

Probably a couple of those reasons and more. If you need me, I'm gonna be looking mournfully at FetLife and watching Watts the Safe Word alone lol.

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2 hours ago, 6star said:

See, I'm a bit hesitant to get involved with polyamorous communities because of the whole "amor" part of it.

I very much dislike this idea of "amor" being equated to "romantic love", rather than "love" in general or "sexual love"....
A bigger issue for me is polynormativity. To me an open (or opened up) couple is still a couple. The whole concept of "opening up" an amantonromative relationship is something I can't relate to at all. Since I've never wanted to be in such a relationship in the first place. So all I can offer is an outsider's perspective on this, if I'm not entirely bored with the whole thing.

 

2 hours ago, 6star said:

While I enjoy that ply communities have that element of compursion and negotiation to their relationships,

That's at least one positive.
 

2 hours ago, 6star said:

I know it's something I really want for myself - this partnership and dynamic based around trust and mutual sexual attraction and satisfaction - but something is making me feel like this is something to be ashamed of. Like there's some voice saying "FFS, just get a kinky boyfriend and call it a day." Maybe it's because I've never really met anyone in a long-term kinky relationship.

It sounds very good in theory.
My experience is that just about everyone on the local scene either isn't looking is coupled or wants to be in a D/s couple. (In some cases keeping a vanilla partner in the dark.) Whereas I'm looking for kinky buddies. The few exceptions just don't appear to be attracted to me.
Things can be bad enough having to listen to people's wedding plans at a munch. As for play parties there have been those which are so couple centric I have literally ended up crying.

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On 6/2/2017 at 0:21 AM, 6star said:

See, I'm a bit hesitant to get involved with polyamorous communities because of the whole "amor" part of it. While I enjoy that ply communities have that element of compursion and negotiation to their relationships, I get that sinking feeling that people would still have these undue expectations if I were to use the label "poluamorous" or be partnered with people who do.  

There are people who describe themselves as 'solo poly', and that lifestyle sounds pretty aro-friendly to me. For example, solo poly people typically don't want to live with their intimate partners.

 

https://solopoly.net/2014/12/05/what-is-solo-polyamory-my-take/

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Thanks for that article @Ettina. 'Solo poly' makes a lot of sense to me as a concept after reading that, particularly the stuff about living arrangements:

 

Quote

 

Some solo poly people may spend considerable time at home with partners, even sometimes living together part-time. Or they may come and go freely from each others’ homes. But generally, solo poly people do not merge dwellings or other resources with intimate partners in a way that would be difficult to disentangle should that relationship end or significantly shift.

 

 

I think I've always wanted to live this way, I just wasn't aware there was even a term for it or that it was an option - I guess I assumed that either perpetual singlehood or monogamous co-habitation were the only possibilities...

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