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About Costati

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  • Birthday 11/14/1999

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    South of France
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  • Romanticism
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  1. AKOIROMANTICISM !!! Akoiromanticisms... I'm sorry I'm coming in this thread like that but I've read all this thread and all the time I just wanted to skip everything to answer because damn there is so many damn things I want to say to you but I wanted to be sure to have all the information and be sure things weren't already said. So first thing first, like @Eklinaar said there's a thing for people that experience romantic attraction fantasize about the idea of relationships, marriage and all these type of traditional romantics things...but stop when it's becoming real. I'm pretty sure that's called akoiromanticism (before lithro but lithro was re-appropriated by lesbian community I think). I am not akoi so don't get your hopes up of me being like that and explaining it to you clearly because I am aro but I've found that term out some times ago when my friend shared to me a queerinclusive story with a character being akoi in it. I was really confused as to "What is that thing?" and by searching on the web I've found out that it is feeling attraction but from afar I guess because it's more of an idea than anything. I've actually got a character that is like that so I've remembered the term. You should probably check it out because I think it's that. Second thing...Yes to the shrink. My dad is a psychiatrist, I'm actually seeing two therapists right now and I'm pushing everyone around me to see someone because it does help so much. Especially if you're lost because their job isn't really to give you an answer but to help you find the answer in yourself. Don't think you're seeing a shrink because you failed to find it all by yourself because it's a lie. For starter from what I've understood you came from a really traditional family so it's already really really brave of you to have come this far and to be so open-minded about yourself and about everything. You made a lot of progress and that's really great so seeing a shrink is in no way a step back or a plan B it's a move forward actually and a way to complete your plan A because you're not giving up and letting someone control things for you or making the decision about who you are. You are doing the work, they're helping me but you get all the credits. What you said about ticking boxes actually made me think a lot about a song from my favourite show ever (that everyone should see because honestly it's so good and realistic and a great criticism of relationship and it's queer positive and anyway awesome) about mental illness. I think you should listen to it because that's pretty much the same thing it's just about mental illness and not about attraction. ( ) Which is a great thing is that Rebecca (the character) like you really hate the diagnosis that someone gave her because yeah it's true and it's the closest she's ever got to something real but there's a lot of stigma about it and a lot of things don't apply to her even if some do. And it doesn't mean that it's wrong it just means that things are more nuanced than boxes. Nobody lives thing the same way. Even in the aromantic community, well there's grey area for starter. You don't have to be alloromantic or aromantic but even in aromanticism a lot of people on here are romance repulsed or thing romance are toxic for people when me on the other hand could be consider as a sucker for romance. I can see the benefits of romance. It's just not for me. Mostly because we're all nuanced because we've lived different things and have been educated in different ways. And there's also other things and that's what I wanted to talk to you about next. On the subject of mental illness and trauma and all that. Have you thought about questioning about that too? Maybe your experience is really difficult and frustrating to you because of other things. I for example I'm precocious and have hypersensibility which make me more sensible about well everything because my emotions are at the center of everything. It also makes me really empathic and perceptive so there isn't only downsides to it but it could be a reason for your confusion. My parents both have that too and my dad just like me suffers from userpator syndrom. When you constantly doubt about everything about yourself even if you rationally know that you're like that or you like that but you can't stop questioning yourself and have these phases where you're "Do I actually like this music or do I force myself to think that I like this music because I want to be hip and trendy or maybe it's because I don't want to be hip and trendy and I want to convince myself that I don't like it and that's why I'm doubting about my taste in music in the first place". When of course when you get through that you understand afterward that it is absolutely ridiculous to overanalyse that this much because you actually like this music because the beat is good and that's just it. Anyway, check into that maybe too? Because if there's a slight chance that you are precocious it would help you understand yourself more and it would also make you understand why you always felt different even before really questioning your sexuality, romance attraction or gender. Also I relate to a ton of things you said but I'm not gonna talk more because this post is already long enough. Feel free to message me tho if you want to know more about my experience and learn from that (I personally love hearing other experiences it helps me figure myself out that's why I'm proposing that it's not because I have some magical answers). P.S: Hypersensibility and all that is related to IQ (having a higher IQ than average) it's just that it's honestly another way of functioning and I'm afraid bluntly say it's related to that will make you think it's related to intelligence and don't put that much thought into it because it's really not about intelligence but more about emotions and sensibility.
  2. Shipping

    I don't really ship in real life. I mean I have one celebrity ship, where I ship two famous people. But it's honestly the only one. I feel like they really have a huge chemistry and i would love to see them together. Mostly because they're pretty transparent with their emotions I feel and they do seems sad when they don't spend time together vs spending time together. (They also joke a lot and make a ton of sexual comments so it's kind of a ambiguous relationship to start). Other than that I don't ship in real life except if I really feel like the two person would really be a lot happier being together. In fiction tho I do ship a ton. I don't really like shipping random people. I feel like for a lot of time it's at random but when I feel two characters really have chemistry and would complete each other and make each other more happy if they were together than if there weren't. I'm a really emphatic person so even if I'm aromantic and it's not for me. I totally get how some people would be better with someone and in a traditional romantic relationship. I hate it when it's people forcing characters together and this kind of things because like leave these characters or person alone if they're great alone but I've seen a lot of character being alone and feeling sad about it and I like shipping them with other characters that are alone and sad about it if there's already a chemistry between them. I also write a lot about romantic relationships and romantic characters because I find it really interesting and fascinating so obviously I'm shipping some of my characters together. But I feel like it would always be valid and I could probably write an essay about how them being together would improve their lives, mental health, physical health and all that. Well sometimes it doesn't because I like to write about abusive relationship or dysfunctional one too but I definitely don't ship characters in abusive relationship together. In conclusion I would say that I don't ship always but I do often but everytime for valid reasons that I could explain and goes way deeper than "Oh they would be cute together because they could have cuuute babiiiies". I don't exclusively ship romantics relationship btw I've got some Friendship OTP. It's mostly gonna be between my OCs and my friends OCs but I've got some fictional ships. Not that much tho. Anyway relationships are important, romantics one may not be for us but they still are for other people even fictional characters and there's also a ton of other relationship. Shipping for me is just seeing that these relationships would probably have a positive impact on the characters and that's what matters.
  3. I'm not really okay with kisses but I feel like it's the less worst. I hate hugs the most. It makes me so anxious and I don't understand how people could even like these kind of things. It makes me feel claustrophobic and really bad. I feel like there's no way for me to escape and it's triggering.
  4. I really don't know. That's a great question. I'm really confused as to what to answer. I don't that much identify as being heterosexual. That's not something that I care that much for but sexuality as an all is a really really huge part of me and who I am. I've always feel abnormally interest by sex and sexuality since I've been a child. I guess it makes sense now because knowing how many attractions there is, sexual attraction is actually the only other one I have with platonic. (I don't have aesthetic attraction at all for example as for romantic attraction) Aromanticism on the other end is really important to me because it actually make my sexuality be more valid (I don't feel like it's weird that sex is so much more important that romance to me anymore because duuh) so it's complicated especially because I know they're not equally as important either. It really depends on the aspect like...in my life my sexual orientation is gonna be the stronger part because it's there. Aromanticism is a lack of something so it can't really control my life or influence my decisions, or even motivate me to do things. But for me...like I myself identify way more as being aromantic than being heterosexual. Because I feel like my being could actually be okay not being in sexual relationships for a while but it is in now way okay forcing itself to be in a romantic relationship or even do romantics things (to gain a sexual relationship). It's not equal because in both those aspects one is clearly overpowering the other but both of these aspects are equally important. So I guess if the question really is about identity it would be romantic attraction.
  5. @Digestive Biscuits : Yes exactly. The term wife or husband isn't the best that's for sure. But it's still cool to know that allos can understand this concept too.
  6. Hello everyone, I have no idea if I'm in the right topic at all. But I've wanted to share something that I just found out not from my experience but on the internet. I'm eighteen so I have no idea if it's real because I've never worked in an office, but I just recently heard about the term "work husband/work wife" and after looking at the definition on urban dictionary I gotta say that I'm really happy this exist. It seems to be some form of queer platonic relationship in a way. It's acknowledging you can have a good relationship with someone that makes your co-worker more than your co-worker but without necessarily being a sexual or romantic relationship. Apparently a lot of people experience that and I think some of them are probably allos. How amazing is it that allos can experience some form of queer platonic relationships ? It can make it way more easier for us to explain these kinds of relationship. I'm excited. Here is the urban dictionary definition : Work husband: That one special male at work that you get along with so well you spend all your free time at work with him. When you find out gossip you go straight to him to see if he knows yet. You surprise him with lunch or snacks. You don't want to hang with No one else on break. Every conversation with him is great. You can talk about anything to him and he listens. You finish each other's sentences and make fun if your coworkers together. Everyone else thinks it's sexual and you don't understand why because you don't see it that way. (for the full link: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Work Husband ) I haven't checked for work-wife but it's the same thing in reverse I think.
  7. I really don't think you're overthinking it at all. It really makes sense for you to be scared about that. You have every right to be. I think the problem isn't only you in this situation (not that you're a problem obviously but your romance and sex repulsion is causing problems so you get what I mean). Clearly your friend A has well for starter, she clearly needs to check her priorities and should be less obsessed by her boyfriend because a relationship based on obsession is so not a relationship that seems to be headed in a right, durable and healthy relationship. I don't know how long they've been dating but if it's more than four months that's kinda worrying. If it's not by the way, from what I've learned by observing romance dynamics and romantics relationship (it strangely is a subject that I find really interesting) it will probably not last. New and young couples always get into what's called the honeymoon phase when they start dating. They thing everything is lovey dovey but at some point misunderstanding, miscommunications, clashes of personalities, of education, opinions, life goals...it's bound to happen and they'll probably fight or argue and see their relationship as something more complicated than a perfect holiday in paradise. So if their relationship is new, be reassured, they'll probably tone it down after a while. Still, She should have asked you and that is unquestionable. Without you being romance repulsed or sex repulsed or even her being in a relationship. In no way someone under any circumstances can force anyone to roomate with them and just do the arrangement without talking to them. That's a really bad attitude and a bad thing to do in any context. You're an adult, she's not responsible for you. You make your own decisions. She doesn't control your life that's just really bad to do that...regardless of context. You don't make decisions for people and especially without telling them. Even married couples don't do that and would be pissed at their partners for doing that and they actually have an official link and commitment to one another. I think you should definitely have a talk with her about all that. I think you can easily change the room assignments. You really don't have to out yourself about it she really didn't have to choose the assignments without asking you first regarding of context. It's completely valid for you to be pissed off aro or not. I think there's a way you can be vague enough to not have to out yourself. Try to put yourself in the mindset of someone allo in this situation. I think a lot could actually be annoyed to. Because that can be a pain for anyone to have their friend's boyfriend at their house every damn day when they want to relax. Your situation really isn't that specific to aromanticism or asexuality. Try to generalise it a bit more when you talk to her, don't go into the specifics. Insist really on the part that annoys you that can be relatable to allo people even if they're not that important in your mind compared to the fears that you can't tell because you don't want to out yourself. Don't be afraid to exaggerate a lot on these parts if you feel like it's the only one they could understand.
  8. Custom Pride Flags

    I love your flags ♥ Can I request the French flag? It's probably gonna be a pain because it's really generic and in three colums like a lot of other country, but it would still be really cool.
  9. Late and End of Life for Single Aros

    Aww I'm glad you feel better now. And don't worry about the forever alone stereotype I think it's more of a danger for alloromantics actually because if they lose their partners and don't have some at the ends of time that probably would make them bitter at people and at life. They'll be sad or depressed about it and could reject other people that would want to approach them just to be friends. I know for a fact dying alone and by that it means dying single not alone in the sense you're afraid of is a huge fear of alloromanticsm. Last time my mom (who is married) freaked out when my dad said he wanted to be incinerated instead of burried. She said there was no point anymore in being burried if it wasn't to be next to his tomb. So you see their forever alone type of fear is kind of the next level. You don't have that, yeah you won't be in a relationship but you'll be cool and happy about instead of being depressed and feel like you're not worth anything because you're not with someone. That'll make you way more cheerful and able to focus on other forms of relationship like friendship easily.
  10. Late and End of Life for Single Aros

    I don't think this issue is specific to aromanticism there's a lot of way you can have people close to you in your life that aren't your partner. I think you could still have friends when you're old even younger one. I know a lot of young people could see you as their grandmother of substitution. There's a lot of young people being close friends with older one because they see them like their grandmas that can tell them stories about the past and make them cookies or even being really energetic for their age. I'm personnally really terrified of old people but a lot aren't they find them sweet and cute like children (I'm scared of children too so I don't get it either). My mom (who's 47) is really close to an elderly woman that take dance classes with her for example. I'm pretty sure if this woman asked her she would be really glad to be her emergency contact even if she doesn't know her that much. If you stay nice and respectful I'm sure you'll find people to help you when the time comes x).
  11. Is it worst after 30 yo?

    @DeltaV What you're saying is actually really interesting to me because it points out how in the US the CBT approach is the most popular one which is something that I completely forgot and put a lot of sense in my réaction. In France psychanalitic approach (if that's what it's called.. Freudian approach's anyway) is the more reputed one. This way of thinking and seeing psychology especially has been a huge part of my education (and life) with my dad being a psychiatrist (and me following a therapy for almost four years now). It really explains why I found it a bit Weird to tell someone that fears are exagerrated. Because we're really on the going further approach here. I completely forgot that it weren't like that in the US. Things make more sense to me now x). @NullVector Don't worry about it. It makes a lot of sense you gave that advice without thinking about that if you've been raised in the US with this all different point of view of psychology. I don't blame you for it. I think it could be seen as a cultural shock x). I wasn't that offended by it like I said. I just want to warn you how it could have sounded because I'm really close to a lot of person dealing with anxiety and I think there might be some on the forum and I know how it could have impacted them. But I think it's a good thing that I could point it to you. It's Nice sometimes to have a reminder of how different people and their experiences are from yours. I always like it personally when it hits me in the face like it did for how psychology is seen differently across the globe. It makes life more interesting. (I might be the only weird person who thinks like that tho)
  12. Introducing Myself

    So you felt like demiromanticism was sort of twisting the knife into your already there depression ? (If I understand correctly?) I'm glad you feel better. It must have been an awful experience.
  13. Hey!

    Helloooo I think you should probably check out the "coming out story" topic then it seems to be pretty appropriate to what you're going through. Like I said on there, try small like randomly talk about this or this person that prefers being single because they're more confortable and see how they'll react. They most likely won't put that much thoughts into it but I mean if they react by saying "Ewwww what a weirdo who's gonna die alone like a loser" well you'll know they're probably not the most supporting people in the world when it comes to that.
  14. Insert a unique title

    Helloooo, I hope you'll find the answers to all your questions.
  15. Is it worst after 30 yo?

    @NullVector : I don't disagree of course my fears are exagerrated. That's fear...it's basically the point. I'm not gonna go into details but I was traumatised as a child and also bullied of course I am paranoid when it comes to other people and other people reactions. If you read my presentation (but I don't think you did and it made sense because you really don't have to x), I've talked a bit more about my need for exterior validation. So if you're interested to know how big and disproportionate my fears are about a lot of things you can get the point by reading that I think. Anyway, that's why I'm asking the question to be confronted to the truth about my fear (that I make for myself by taking into accounts each of the exeperience that were share on this thread). That's how I deal with my fear I rationalize it to desimplified it (if it makes sense x). Don't worry about me on that. I'm working on it. P.S: I don't think it's a really awesome idea to tell someone their fears are exagerrated tho...obviously I don't mind because I've already accepted all about that but a lot of people could feel like you invalidate their feelings by saying they don't have a reason to be afraid because in theory it's not that bad. Like yes, it is the truth, but I'm not sure it's the best thing to say to someone that could be anxious or having some trauma due to this fear. Fears are always more deeper than what they really is about like if someone is afraid of water maybe they almost drowned as a child and that's really the reason why they're afraid of water. Of course you didn't traumatize me and that was really a small thing so everything is okay but I mean...the subject of fears is a bit bigger than some paranoid thought implanted by society on how everything that is not in the norm is supposedly wrong.