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About running.tally

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    Research Nerd With Too Much Motivation And Not Enough Time
  • Birthday 12/26/1995

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    E(y)/Em/Eir Singular
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    Graduate Student
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  1. This makes a lot of sense! I'm not sure if there is another word for it, but I like fractionamory. I have definitely felt similarly sometimes, although I'm not sure it'd apply to me now anymore. Relationships are complex but "not being anyone's primary but being a secondary" is certainly nice-sounding. Thanks for sharing this. Maybe someone more in tune with the polyamory community may be able to answer as well.
  2. What others have said really gets to the point, I think, but I can reiterate it again: attraction labels are, by definition, never going to be objective. There are definitely societally-agreed upon definitions of things like romantic attraction very very broadly, but every time I have asked alloromantics about their definition, each individual has said something slightly different. I can't remember if I've shared those definitions, but I could share what I've heard if it would help to illustrate with examples. If you're interested, there's a thread on Arocalypse HERE (link also below) that talks about defining romantic attraction, and there are many definitions there you can find. There's also an old thread that mentions defining romantic experiences HERE (link also below) you could check out. Ultimately, though, it is impossible to define romantic attraction objectively, although it is true that what we see portrayed in media seems to have patterns. I also second Mark's suggestion to look at quoi, because some of the questions you're asking ring with that experience.
  3. AUREA has a list of ones we know about you could check out: https://www.aromanticism.org/en/resources-1#offline-resources
  4. You've articulated this perfectly. Exactly my sentiments.
  5. Coyote, you've beat me to it! I was just about to make this forum topic. I personally like "a-spec" as a term I can use for my aro and ace-ness simultaneously. I also think, though, that this is entirely personal preference for highly specific terminology. It may come back to that question - what are people's preferences on labels in terms of broadness vs. specificity? There are people who, for example, have a gender identity that often is considered part of the non-binary umbrella, but they don't identify with the non-binary umbrella label. We may have a similar thing going on. We probably can't ever define a-spec's broadness prescriptively, because the use of labels is always up to a specific person (i.e., if someone feels like a-spec captures their experience, they can modify the definition as they wish and claim the label). But I am curious about demographics: how far does the a-spec label stretch, like you've said. We may never know where it will 'stop' but it would still be interesting to know where it continues. For me personally, when I think of a-spec, I think of any identity - an orientation - that can have an "a" prefix. Asexual, aromantic, aplatonic, asensual, etc. But it may include other identities that are defined by "a" (absence/queer) and "spectrum."
  6. Beta testing sureys is difficult because the only way we'll be able to foresee everything is if we open beta to everyone. Not many people have that time. It may help to know that this survey was looked at by more than just me and Magni. I suspect that aro and aro-related surveys are having a lot of growing pains right now because there aren't many out there yet. This is very common in the beginnings of research. As for comments, some of these we may be aware of but haven't had the means to respond to yet (I've been away the whole weekend with only limited mobile access). Go right ahead and PM me though, Coyote, and I would definitely encourage individuals to PM or contact me via email if they want to as well. Ultimately there is no way a survey will be perfect, no matter the number of iterations/replications, beta testers, years of forethought, or makeup of the research team. But there is always room for improvement and things we can learn that will be useful for future work (even if not on the exact same topic). Thanks everyone for your interest in this current research and in helping us understand our communities better.
  7. @Coyote Yes! The aro and ace mentions were examples. Though, full disclosure, I hadn't thought about the possibility of someone being a-spec and not aro or ace (e.g., aplatonic but not aro or ace). There is a write-in possibility and commenting as an option in the general a-spec category but you make a good point about explicit inclusion we had missed when planning. Thanks for the comment - I like running surveys precisely because I can get feedback like this.
  8. @Mark Thanks for the feedback! The problem with the second question is that are non-aros to whom that question could apply. Or, feelings that an aro might have had that are different from their aro experience that would fit into those words. E.g., People who vow to be single regardless of their attraction (bachelors, spinsters, etc.). I fit that example before and after identifying as aro, and it's not an aro-specific experience for me. Using the identity-centered question is a way we could be explicit that this was about aro-ness. The reason we have the years go back so far is for between-question consistency (ace and a-spec questions have the years go back that far). It's entirely arbitrary.
  9. Here is the second survey @Magni and I are running. This is a broad a-spec survey, so it’s not just for aros - it’s for aros, aces, a-specs, and all grey or questioning folks on any of those spectra. If you are aro only, ace only, or a-spec only, you are just as welcome to participate as aroaces - there will be questions about your other identities as well. The survey will ask you about your experiences learning about your identity. The purpose of this survey is to understand how a-spec people came to learn about their identities and how they define them for themselves. We want to collect data and narratives so that we can understand how best to engage each demographic in things like outreach and discussions. It is entirely optional to participate. There are a few questions in this survey that require you to write in your own words - feel free to be as brief or as lengthy as you’d like, using whatever kind of register you’re most comfortable with. It does not have to be a formal essay or in complete sentences - just your thoughts. You may also stop participating at any time, for any reason. If you are interested in participating, CLICK HERE. Feel free to boost this survey on other channels. If you do, please include the blurb above. Thank you.
  10. As a follow up to last year’s survey of the same name, I want to poke the aro community with a new, improved, expanded survey that is more inclusive. This time around, I have @Magni collaborating with me (huge thank you to zem for being an awesome research partner). Anyone who identifies with the aro community in some way, including grey and questioning people, is welcome to take this survey. Participating in this survey is, as always, completely optional. If you wish to stop participating at any time, you may do so, for any reason. This survey will ask you about your experiences with microaggressions, oppression, and stigmatization as an aro. Therefore, some of the questions may be distressing for you. You have every right to stop participating or to not participate at all if you are uncomfortable. If you are interested in participating, CLICK HERE. Feel free to boost this survey on other channels. If you do, please include the blurb above. Thank you for your time.
  11. Welcome and congrats on making your introduction post. The wanting to be special to someone but not necessarily pursue a traditional romantic relationship is extremely relateable and I hadn't thought about that until you said it. I hope these forums can give you support, and I know you've already helped someone else figure something out (i.e., me) so thank you.
  12. A fellow Bagged Milk Land dweller! Welcome. Have some aro ice cream to celebrate finding words that made your experiences make sense to you:
  13. It's awesome to see a name for this. From my experience, there is a very harmful and unhealthy trend of people leaving relationships when they require work or "get hard" or change/grow in any way. We often say amatonormativity harms everyone but the hedonic treadmill here is a perfect example of an unhealthy component or structure of a relationship that often comes hand in hand with amatonormativity. It's something specific we can point to. It also makes sense why so many people have problems with aros and our experiences. If we don't engage in relationships at all, people are worried we're never going to achieve some sort of nirvana or ultimate happiness. Like what @NullVector said, even with non-religious people in some places, there is an almost religious dedication to romance or a spiritual type of enlightenment given to romance and those who interact with it. But then even when some aros are in relationships, the way we navigate relationships is often questioned too. If we commit and don't have that feeling of hedonism regarding relationship baselines, I've seen some alloros just be completely baffled when we talk about navigating relationships hiccups and troubles. I hear a lot of advice that's "just drop them if there's a problem" instead of "here's a way to navigate your issues and changes." I definitely don't think it's an aro-specific issue but it's certainly aro-relevant.
  14. This is always entirely up to you, but I can be a board to bounce your feelings and thoughts off of. "Is this a squish, crush, or alterous attraction?" is a question I have found myself asking a few times before (pretty recently actually) and the boundaries around these things are so up in the air that it's extremely confusing for all of us, whether aro or allo or anywhere else on the spectrum. You said a few times in your post that you're happy being friends with her and don't imagine yourself in any relationship other than a platonic one. I think that's a good clue that your feelings might not be romantic. I know alloromantic friends of mine who talk about the "nervousness" and "butterflies" as being part of romantic attraction sometimes, so that part you mentioned may be why you're still unsure. You being nervous, though, could be related to you not knowing how to categorize your current attraction, not necessarily feeling like a crush. Especially since your girlfriend said that, for her, the feelings your describing seem romantic. But what counts as romantic is very subjective. I know an alloro friend of mine who has never experienced "nervousness" or "butterflies," for example. Your nervousness could also be related to your sensory issues. It could also be sign of a crush, but from what you've said about your other feelings, this is the feeling you're most unsure about categorizing. If everything else points to non-romantic for you, then it's probably non-romantic. I should also mention that I often have friends on my mind (specific ones) almost constantly, during periods where I'm feeling particularly close with them, so that may also be non-romantic. In the end, it looks like you're relatively sure about this being alterous or at least not entirely romantic (even if there are elements that seem more romantic or kind of on the cusp for you), and from how you've described how you feel attraction, your conclusion makes sense to me. Alterous attraction can include elements of romantic attraction and other types of attraction (like platonic or sexual) and the feeling doesn't have to be the same every time you experience it. After all, the targets of the attraction are different people, so the situation may make your feelings different. Your feelings don't have to be identical to still be in the same category. I hope this helped a little bit.
  15. This is a very relateable term, to be honest! It hits points that are subtly different from similar terms like quoi/WTF-ro. There are days I feel like this too, as part of being aroflux. Most of the time I can pinpoint where I am on the aro spectrum, but occasionally I'll just feel like this, where I won't know if I'm even aro in the first place but also won't feel I need to commit to figuring it out. Just a big shrug.
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