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About running.tally

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  • Birthday 12/26/1995

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    They/them, but will accept She/her or He/him in certain contexts
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  1. running.tally

    Complex identities and relationships

    I can definitely relate. I like boxes and labels for myself but I just keep things simple for others because there's the argument that my identity is something personal, right? But on the other hand, sometimes I really feel like celebrating my complexity (and by extension, human complexity) and I find myself at a loss of who exactly to share my experiences with that won't be confused (and thereby not able to give me the type of attention I want/need). It might sound silly, but scrolling through Arocalypse, other internet forums, and following a tonne of Tumblr blogs/social media on the topics of LGBTQ+ (including genderqueer and non-binary support blogs, aromantic creators, AVEN, etc.) helps! Reading the questions, answers, and posts on these social platforms is a way of interacting with other people in the community that works for my shy self (since I'm not publicly out in any way, I find that going to a 'real life' group in my local community - as awesome an experience as that is apparently - is not on my radar). The mods for the places I visit are always nice and always end their posts and responses with a heap of positivity. Apart from social media, I find that doing more general self-care and self-indulgence things also make me feel better about myself. I'll write or play the piano (creative endeavors are very calming for me), or I'll go bother my dog with cuddles, colour something, go for a walk outside, or any number of other things. I have a list I usually go through. The combination of identity-specific validation/positivity/discussion and general self-care works wonders for me.
  2. running.tally


    The people may not be aro or identify with being aro, but I like @Star Girl's point about exposing them to the idea. Normalizing aromanticism would go hand in hand with normalizing singledom and combatting some of those toxic "you're a monster if you can't feel romantic attraction or aren't in a romantic relationship" ideas. In general, I think most people would benefit from some education and calm validation that not being in a relationship isn't the end of the world. It would boost confidence in themselves, I think. The article was a hard read, I agree. I do like @Star Girl's sentiment though. Education!!
  3. running.tally

    Common Misconceptions About Aros

    Just aro things: spending the afternoon researching when and why monogamy became the norm. Here's a neat article I found (note that the main picture at the top is a kissing scene, for those who don't like that sort of thing): https://www-m.cnn.com/2016/05/17/health/sti-infanticide-human-monogamy/index.html It's essentially agreeing with what @Mark said - it's more about marriage and keeping wealth than childrearing effectively for the survival of a species. I also think that those people in power (those who were the wealthy) imposed the monogamous structure on society (like Queen Victoria or through media productions like novels or visual media like films), like @Costati mentioned. Fascinating stuff, anyway. A move to individualistic culture and the importance of the self over others seemed to play a role in all this.
  4. running.tally

    Introducing myself

    Nice to have you here! Welcome.
  5. running.tally

    Not entirely sure where I fit in, but hi!

    Welcome!! Here is some courtesy virtual ice cream as a welcome gift: Questioning yourself and even changing your mind at some point is totally ok. Sometimes it takes a while to get a grasp of our feelings, and I think I can say that we'll all do our best to support you and help you figure things out if you need.
  6. running.tally

    What would you say to your younger self?

    You're allowed to do things just for yourself, even if no one else likes them or will ever see you do them. Not everything is about other people. Don't bend over backwards just to meet small demands of other people. Conversely, not everything is about you. Even if you have trouble with empathy sometimes, you can learn the rules of sympathy and employ that instead. On that note, note that all social interactions can be navigated with scripts! Go out there and listen, and practice until the anxiety goes away. You are allowed to be yourself, and to express your feelings to others. Also, you are allowed to be flawed. Just make sure you are receptive to change when it does come around.
  7. running.tally

    Alloromantic Fragility

    Great thread! I can definitely say that I encounter this with some people I am not out to that still know aros and/or aces exist. When people don't know about aros/aces, it comes out more like regular amatonormativity and I don't take it as them being defensive or shutting down aros; rather just being uninformed that there are aros that exist. I have met some people that know aros exist, though, who have behaved in ways like you mentioned. It always comes out as them feeling threatened by my contentedness with not feeling attraction, as if my feelings will somehow affect their relationship(s). It might be a way these people use to affirm amatonormativity, even if they claim to be against that notion. If they were conditioned to want romance their whole lives, they might feel threatened on behalf of societal norms when aros come up in conversations, even if these people claim to be (or even /are/) supportive of aros and singledom. It's hard to break habit.
  8. running.tally

    Cupioromantic or Internalised Arophobia?

    I got the same vibes from this thread as @DeltaV did, I think. The longing for a close intimate relationship is something I have struggled with, too. At first I had the same confusion as you have right now, @Arivin: I was trying to figure out whether I really /did/ want a romantic relationship even though I don't feel romantic attraction, or whether I was responding to my aromanticism with the amatonormativity I've been so conditioned with all my life. I couldn't figure out whether it was internalized arophobia or not until I sat down to think about my relationships. I realized that I felt neglected by my friends sometimes and therefore not getting enough of the type of socialization and intimacy from my non-romantic relationships that I need (same goes for my family). So, for me, my feelings of wanting a 'partner' were actually just feelings of wanting intimacy - with anyone and everyone. It may help to think about exactly what you think you're missing in your current relationships and what you daydream about to figure out whether you have what you need in your current relationships. After that, I think that arophobia would be distinct from cupioromanticism in the way your fears and anxiety about relationships present themselves. Arophobia might include you wishing you could be like romantic people and being repulsed your not feeling romantic attraction. I feel like cupioromanticism would present itself more like anxieties specifically regarding being in actual relationships, like you mentioned, and you otherwise being fine with not feeling romantic attraction. Hope that helps some.
  9. running.tally

    What Are You Listening To/Post A Song

    My go-to feel good song is usually My Favorite Things, from the The Sound of Music soundtrack. (I occasionally sing it at the top of my lungs when I'm home alone, to fight off anxiety )
  10. running.tally

    Receiving a confession

    This is very relatable! And I'm very happy to hear that you are more comfortable in these kinds of situations now. I feel the exact same way now that I have that Aro label to explain my feelings and reactions. Sometimes a label really is super helpful, and I'm happy to hear from someone else about its positive impact.
  11. running.tally

    Can being aromantic/grey-romantic change?

    I like what a lot of people above said about strong romantic feelings eventually fading to something more subtle and comfortable as time passes in a relationship. If you don't get to feeling that "in love" intense emotional stuff when in a relationship, I think that that can still completely work for your partner. Oftentimes, as a relationship matures, these kinds of intense feelings die down a bit as the excitement and novelty fade. So you might seem to your partner to just get to that level early (even if you are actually skipping the whole intense stuff in the middle). Subtlety can be just as heartwarming and is often seen as mature, so it may not really be that bad a thing (in fact, it might even be a great thing) to the right person. All that to say that even without the intense romance feels, you can still call your relationships romantic if you want! Less intensity doesn't necessarily mean half-assed, like how pastel pink is less intense a colour as compared to fuschia, but they're both pink, right? And for labels, whatever suits you best moment to moment is also something I agree is a great idea to hold on to.
  12. running.tally

    Introduction and a Half

    I every much empathize with that feeling of dread. Even doing the same things I would normally do with my friends (like hand-holding; I'm an avid hand-holder), if I knew there were romantic feelings attached to that suddenly, I would feel this immense dread. Nice to hear from someone who is similar! Welcome, and I'm glad you've found a safe space among us, regardless of what the details of your identity might be. Here's some aro ice cream for joining the table:
  13. running.tally

    What do you like most about yourself?

    This is such a lovely and positive thread, I'mma join in! I like my excellent concentration skills. Most helpful.
  14. It might seem weird, but I usually drop hints into conversations with new people (I find that I get asked out by strangers waaaay more than I get asked out by friends, if not exclusively). I'll say something that indicates I'm very busy and barely even get to consistently go out with friends to hang out (often an unfortunate truth for me). I do this kind of thing if I'm getting a too-interested-in-me-to-just-be-friendly vibe from the person, before they get a chance to ask me out. I am occasionally surprised though, and then I just tell them no: the truth that I am not interested. Honesty has always worked for me, especially when delivered friendlily and assertively.
  15. running.tally

    Can being aromantic/grey-romantic change?

    I don't have much to add to the already great replies except my own experience with figuring out my label, so here goes! For me, I have different levels of certainty regarding different parts of my identity. I can tell you that I know I'm asexual, for example, and haven't really wavered with that description much. I've always felt repulsed by sex, and especially when thinking about it involving myself. My aromanticism took a while, because I have a loving personality and sometimes feel extremely strong feelings for others, and other times have so little empathy I wonder if I'm sociopathic. I chose the "aroflux" label to accommodate these changing feelings, because one day I really do feel like a romance-repulsed aromantic and other days I find myself feeling those weird "not quite platonic but not romantic" feels. I think that an orientation can change if a person drastically changes. Like our bodies renew their cells and our brains rewire their nerve connections. But not /often/. If you find yourself oscillating frequently then terms like greyromantic (like you've identified) or -flux and -spike affixes come into play. Sometimes we use orientations to describe our /tendencies/ rather than as a catch-all no-exception behavioural rule. For me, I decided on "aroflux" because at the end of most days I feel aromantic, but on some occasions and with no explanation, I unlock those quasi-platonic and alterous feelings. I strongly tend towards aro. I hope that helps a bit! Being interested in romance and feeling romantic attraction doesn't necessarily invalidate your label. Just like I've had a gay guy friend like and date a girl before (because she was the exception), you're quite allowed to use labels to describe your tendency, but bend in real life. Humans are far from certain and predictable, while definitions, by nature, really have to be. On the other hand, if you're still feeling at odds with the label you've chosen, maybe it is time to look at other definitions that are more specific that you feel more comfortable with.