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About running.tally

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    Research Nerd With Too Much Motivation And Not Enough Time
  • Birthday 12/26/1995

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    E(y)/Em/Eir Singular or They/Them/Their Plural
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    Graduate Student
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  1. running.tally


    I think that if you know you don't like her romantically, then you probably don't! Whatever your friends say, they can never feel your feelings. Only you can. Only you are the expert on your feelings. There could be many reasons why you feel the way you do. I think one could be that if your friend decides to pursue this girl romantically, you might be left behind. Often, people in romantic relationships get caught up with one another and see their friends less. So you might feel a bit afraid that that will happen and that you won't get to hang out with her. You seem to like hanging out with her and losing time with a friend can be really saddening. There could be other reasons as well, but this is the one I thought of first!
  2. Feeling simultaneously very loved by the aro community and very socially isolated by my IRL friends. I hope everyone here is doing all right, and if anyone else is feeling lonely, I invite you to my virtual corner!

  3. Welcome! Out of curiosity, do you happen to run a Tumblr under the same username? I've found many other aros here also on Tumblr but never the other way around, so it would be quite the first
  4. Thank you for that term list @Magni! That's really helpful. "Gul" sounds a bit too much like "girl" in some pronunciations for me but I like many of the alternatives. I especially like "Neut." Re: "kid," I agree that its usage has changed in the modern day but I do think I've used "friendo" before! It's sufficiently informal, though it's still two syllables as opposed to one. Not gonna lie, I would love to be called "punk" because if that isn't my approach to gender, I don't know what is! Thanks all for offering some things though.
  5. I remember reading a webcomic that is a queer romance (so totally cool if y'all aren't fans of the genre) and the main character's best friend is pretty explicitly aro (although the term itself isn't mentioned as far as I recall). The webcomic is called Always Human. You can find it on Webtoon and it's complete!
  6. Thank you for continuing this! These are all interesting ideas. I should clarify @Coyote that I did in fact mean broadening the greyro term! I think I define co-opting in my head incorrectly. And the education point I also mean in the way you've described - talking with others and letting them know about terms that may have been misused or misinterpreted, + learning about their own thoughts. I think we're on the same page, but my wording was awkward. As for posts, I'm not sure I can link any as I got my information by perusing the Discord chats about this issue. I can certainly look later but for now I can relay the arguments I heard on Discord. These are about greyro as an umbrella term; no one had any issues with the self-identity version of it. - "Greyro implies grey area in between aro and allo," not specifically pointing to people on the aro spectrum (like greyro as a separate box or on a linear spectrum like was said above). A new term would ideally have better connotations. - Some aros have invalidated aros who feel romantic attraction by claiming that the greyro umbrella term "isn't a real thing" and "is just a term because of the 'grey area' on the flag," not because of any thought out discussion. A new term would distance victims of this bullying from a term that was used to negatively refer to "all those other aros" in an exclusionist way. Essentially, greyro was a term pushed onto aros who weren't the end-case 0-attraction type of aros and it was used to exclude them. On aro umbrella terms more broadly, just because: - Using aromantic to refer to all aros on the spectrum causes unnecessary misunderstanding, so the aro-spec label is preferable to get the nuanced and more inclusive meaning. (This seems to be in agreement with what was said earlier here!) Unfortunately, it also sometimes implies "everyone on the aro spectrum except end-case aros who feel 0 romantic attraction." That is how it has often been used in the community (i.e., "aromantic" for 0 attraction, "aro-spec" for other aros), despite the intention not being that. - Using simply "aro" (not "aromantic" or "aro-spec" spelled out) has been suggested as an inclusive community marker, but the issue with that is explaining said term to non-aros. There will inevitably be the question of "but what does aro stand for?" and if we want to move away from "aromantic" but "aro-spec" also doesn't seem to cover what we want, what do we say? I tried to quote and summarize as best as I could. I'm planning on relaying our thoughts between here and Discord so we don't run into a situation where some of us prescribe a term that aros who feel romantic attraction are supposed to use without those aros' input. Thanks for engaging with this, everyone!
  7. (Lol no worries! XD I generally assume people on here are being respectful, nice prose or not.) I see! I understand better; I misinterpreted and thought you were still unsure about parenting. Honestly, the pain and confusion surrounding 'the line' is something really relatable and valid. Bloodlines are by no means the most important historical relationships, although they are definitely glorified. I'd like to think that my ancestors were too preoccupied by their own lives and needs and desires to really be concerned about whether their family would still have ownership over something beyond the time they could benefit from it. Not sure what I'm saying is remotely helpful, but I'll just reiterate that what you've felt is valid.
  8. These forums do have a little Meetups section, and that could be a way of finding aros on here to meet up with in real life in your area. There also might be aro or generally a-spec communities and organizations in your area, if you have enough confidence to try attending those. In my experience, the first meeting I went to was always nerve-wrecking, but really well worth it. People are generally quite nice. The move to a bigger college might mean more luck finding clubs like these - sometimes they're advertised or listed online on the college's website. Media personalities have definitely helped me before too, so I'm glad you're making do with what you have!
  9. I RELATE A LOT to this. Most of the time, I would say that the nonamorous label is accurate for me. I don't desire exclusive partnerships of any kind. But occasionally - most often when I'm lonely but also when I feel close to a friend of mine - I will think about what it would be like to have a partner. Living with someone and seeing them often would relieve my loneliness but also I often enjoy my friends' company. For me personally, this is why I identify as aroflux. My feelings about partnerships (not just QPRs but also romantic relationships) change and sometimes it seems more possible to want to be close to someone in those ways. I still use the nonamorous label because every time I've had a chance to go through with a partnership I have pretty much ran away (quite literally once) so I'm not sure I would like relationships in practice. As for amatonormativity, I think it could definitely be a part. It may be that you sometimes get overwhelmed by the constant push to be in a relationship to be happy. It may be that because people around you seem happy in relationships, you see the positives. Or it may be that because everyone around you is in a relationship, you're lonely, and then you start thinking about What Ifs. It doesn't always have to be about romantic relationships; amatonormativity affects all relationships. If romantic relationships are inherently more important, then all other relationships are less important, right? So even if you don't desire romantic relationships, amatonormativity still teaches you that friendships should only be casual and a certain level of emotionally intimate, and that friendships (defined this way) aren't enough to be happy. Although QPRs can be like particularly close friends for some people, they're still far enough away from the common definition of friendship to be different. Feelings are complicated and there can be many things contributing to them.
  10. I think a lot of us can relate a lot to you. I hear from aros all the time about how they feel abandoned by some friends sometimes (especially when they get into romantic relationships), and there's a guilt that comes with being both happy for our friends and sad that they've left us behind. I currently also have this issue, magnified by the fact that all my most significant relationships are online. I'm thankful to have a couple of friends who do not up and abandon me and who give just as much as I do to our relationship, so there is hope! People out there exist and it's a shame there don't seem to be more of them. I hope a culture of building stronger friendships is something we'll see in our lifetime. I don't have much advice since I haven't solved this problem for myself. Focusing on my hobbies and interests has been a way of distraction that has been rewarding so that's an idea. I also send lots of virtual hugs your way. It will get better; not to say that you're not suffering now, because I feel you, but holding out hope that one day our friends will understand what we mean when we talk to them about this stuff keeps me going.
  11. It's not particularly popular at the moment (where I'm living at least), but there is the possibility of co-parenting. The work of raising a child is a lot more distributed between many people, and there is also the benefit of having a child you can call your own. A little like adoption but with a greater number of parents/role models that can each contribute to a child's development in different ways (including passing down a title if you so choose). I don't know much about legal stuff surrounding this issue, but I would look closely at the terms. It could be possible to give the title to someone you greatly mentor later in life, a good friend that will stick around, etc. All that said, guilt is one of the worst motivators to have when it comes to having children. Even if you don't pass that title down and continue the tradition, you can pass it to someone who you know will benefit from it. When historians look way way back at the lineage, it's not really as broken as you think it seems right now. There have been plenty of royalty that have had way more complicated passing-down tradition-changers and the titles/possessions they hold are still attributed to their family.
  12. I wish I knew the people here that reject greyro so I could ping them to speak, mainly because I like the idea of greyro being used as the all-encompassing umbrella term for aros that feel romantic attraction. It's hard for me to represent the arguments I don't understand well and don't necessarily agree with. I'll see if I can poke the Discord peeps about this so they can chime in. Thank you for engaging me with this topic! To your issue with nullromantic, that could probably be a whole separate discussion. I think its purpose was to move away from aromantic as both the umbrella term for the community and the term for the end case (i.e., feeling no romantic attraction). I suspect many aro-spec folks who do feel romantic attraction still wanted to use aromantic to describe themselves but became frustrated that the assumption behind the term is not experiencing romantic attraction at all (i.e., that it's the end case). As far as I understand nullro wasn't coined to remove people from the spectrum but rather to have a specific term for a particular point on the spectrum. Nevertheless, you have an excellent point about term coinage potentially leading to "us vs. them" misunderstandings and more rifts. Perhaps it'd be better to re-educate people about how aromantic as a term can mean both end case AND overall community, so others don't make assumptions about the nuances of a person's identity. Same with greyro. Though it's likely people will still face misunderstandings. I have many thoughts on this lol
  13. Thank you very much for this! Greyro would be a very easy term to co-opt as long as it was met with proper education (or re-education in most cases). I definitely agree that it becoming a term so narrowly defined is exactly the opposite of the coiner's intentions so this would be a chance to address those issues again. Your post about the issue is Excellent, by the way. It's helped me learn more about this. However I've also heard very vehement nays to using greyro, by people who, like you, use the grey- modifier either as aces or aros or both. I can't speak for them but I know that they really really dislike it and argument about this has caused many tensions. It's one of those issues where although an easier method exists, coining a new term may be better for easing tensions and making as many people as is possible comfortable. Now that I think about it, some serious discussion and compromise will need to happen on one or more sides.
  14. Hi Shy! Welcome; I'm so excited to hear "Aro Ace and proud" - I'm proud of you for coming to terms with your feelings and identities. Have some aro ice cream as a welcome gift:
  15. Welcome We're really happy to have you and many of us can definitely relate to your feelings. I think that these forums will be a great place to talk about your experiences and we will be happy to hear from you!
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