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About running.tally

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 12/26/1995

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    Ey/Em/Eir or They/Them/Their
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  1. running.tally

    A good friend

    This isn't stupid at all, but I understand your feelings. I think that because I've heard the phrase "just a (good) friend" so often, especially in movies when people really want to say "not THAT important," I can sometimes get bummed out when people say that. I love my friends and I have recently come back around to loving the word "friend" and using it in the most loving platonic sense, but feeling the way you do is something I'm not a stranger to at all. All that to say I don't think the feeling is on you or your friends, but rather how friendships are so inconsistently portrayed in popular culture. That said, it might be useful to come up with a new word (like a nickname) that is endearing and works for you and your friends, so that you can all express the fondness you have for each other without sounding fake. Even just saying "I love you lots" instead of "You're a good friend," or qualifying the "good friend" sentence with real compliments could be a way to get your feelings across genuinely. Thanks for sharing this with us.
  2. Your question gives me very big quoiromantic vibes! Honestly, if we all knew what the difference was, I suspect we would've put the terms' respective definitions up in bold on the home page. From what I've been learning, both from the aromantic and alloromantic communities, is that the distinction between friendship and romance is different for everyone. Some people don't even have a real distinction and it's all just a nebulous feeling. There are some aros who define romantic attraction in a way other aros define platonic attraction. There are some allos who define romantic attraction in a way aros define their platonic attraction. Some people (like me) have very specific definitions of different types of attraction, while others keep it broad, and even others don't bother defining anything at all. It's also really hard to define something you haven't ever experienced, right? The thing about feelings is that they're subjective and are very difficult (if not impossible) to compare between two different people. I experience this issue even for non-oriented feelings like sadness. As for participating in fandom, I can definitely see how it's frustrating and confusing, but it might help to know that different characters' definitions of romance might be different. That's why certain characters may get together romantically and others not, even if they're in almost identical-looking situations. I don't think it's possible to figure out if a person is romantically attracted to somebody else unless you have a good sense of how they define romance. I've had plenty of friends accuse me of being romantically attracted to people I definitely did not like that way. Not sure if that helped or just validated how confusing this stuff can be, but basically, these definitions are naturally fluid and subjective, so it's OK if you don't understand someone's feelings. You can still be accepting. There are plenty of conversations about this that have gone on in this forum. If you're curious, here's a whole thread about defining romantic attraction:
  3. running.tally

    The power of pressure on aromantics and on single people

    This is a lovely topic, and you've touched on an idea a lot of this community has issues with. The idea that romantic relationships are the most important thing in life, are a part of 'normal' development, and are assumed to be part of everyone's lives is called Amatonormativity. I learned this word as I perused the forums and I thought it would be good to share with you because there's a word for what you're talking about! I agree that it's a huge problem, and I've seen many of my friends be distressed because of it. It's so hard to watch but it's also hard to explain to them that their preoccupation with romance is unhealthy. People who want romantic relationships should be comfortable to go at their own pace, to set boundaries that work for them, and to enjoy being with their partners without this amatonormative pressure eating away at them. Like you've said, amatonormativity harms allos as much as aros. That said, I also appreciated where you said you are comfortable with your aro identity. It's definitely OK to be happy you're aro, and even though we encounter issues that can make us distressed about our identities, it's always nice to share those positive feelings. Welcome again and thanks for this lovely rant.
  4. running.tally

    New here, hi

    @BecauseMeg Isn't the aro ice cream GREAT? I think it's a custom Arocalypse emoji - ice cream recoloured in the aro colours. As far as I know, it's like the "ace cake" thing for aces, but specifically for aros! I was welcomed with it when I came to the forums so it seems to be an unofficial greeting/offering to new people.
  5. running.tally

    New here, hi

    Welcome (officially)! Here is some aro ice cream as a symbol of joining our cult: The normalization of toxicity in relationships is 10000% a good hot topic I know many of us have feelings about, but in general I know you'll find some good conversations about everything identity-related here.
  6. running.tally


    Welcome! Thank you for this post from the heart.
  7. Update: The survey has closed (as of a couple of days ago) and I have received 530 responses! You are all amazing. I'm going to be analyzing the results this month and will update everyone about the findings as soon as I have everything organized. Thank you for your interest and participation.
  8. running.tally

    Greetings (What even is Romance)

    Hi Miles! Welcome. Honestly, everything you've said is incredibly relateable. You'll find a lot of our experiences around the forums, and we're honestly pretty diverse in the community. Some of us have honestly no clue what romance is supposed to be, and many of us define romance differently so it's all a big fluid confusion. There are a lot of us who still form deep connections in our lives, though, through friends or family or QPRs or other types of relationships, so you'll find a lot of good advice (especially in the Aromantic Relationships section of the forums). In my experience, aros are naturally chatty so someone will inevitably come along and answer any and all questions you have!
  9. running.tally

    Hello ! (introduction)

    Welcome! Have some aro ice cream and join us:
  10. running.tally

    Christmas Is McFucking Over

    @Indigo I love your combination of gifts! They really say a lot about how cool you are as a person. Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates! I myself got some lovely gifts from my family, my favourite of which was my mum getting my sister and I matching clothes. My sister and I are in our 20s and haven't gotten matching things (apart from socks) since we were kids, so it was a hilarious throwback that I loved.
  11. running.tally

    Just talking about my life

    I think that mentioning that labels are important to you may help in this case. I am also a fan of labeling things, and I have friends who are not. Our compromise has usually been that they respect my label for whatever we have going on, because I explain to them why it works really well for me, and I respect that they don't want to label what we have going on. So I keep my label personal. The one time this can get frustrating is describing to other people what our relationship is. Is there a way you can agree on what to call each other when you're not around each other? Being clear that you respect her feelings and not wanting to label things may help, as it's not her that is causing this issue; it's just a need you have and that you want to run by her because you want her to be comfortable. You may be able to agree on a very vague or general label that keeps her options open while also providing you with something definable. That's the best I can do to help, I think! Talking with her and making sure you say that this isn't an issue with her but rather something you want her input on, to come up with together, seems to be the best option. It's always difficult to come up with a compromise, but trying out different things and communicating honestly and openly is your best shot at finding something that works for both of you. Good luck!
  12. running.tally

    Just talking about my life

    Hi! Thank you for sharing this, it's brave to let everything out like this. A big thing about the aromantic community is that our experiences differ. Like you said, for some people certain feelings might be a "squish" but for someone else they're romantic. It doesn't mean either person is wrong. Romantic attraction is defined differently and means something different per person. This is a normal thing, even though it can seem confusing. If she says that she loves you then I think she loves you. Maybe the term "romantic" does not apply to her, because she is uncomfortable with it and defines romance differently. Even if she does not experience romantic attraction toward you, it is clear that she likes being in a romantic relationship with you, because your definition of romance is very compatible with the kind of relationship she is comfortable with. I think that because you define romance in a similar way to how she defines a squish, she can be comfortable being in a relationship with you. That said, figuring out romantic attraction and what the definition of romance is is very difficult and exhausting. I think she is trying to figure things out, as you said. She might be worried that being too physically affectionate is not appropriate for an aromantic person. This isn't true, because you can still be cuddly and be aromantic. I am like that myself! However, it is also possible that she isn't comfortable with cuddling as much anymore as she has discovered herself. I think this is something you should talk to her about. The next step would be to ask her what she is comfortable with and what she wants to do in your relationship, and then tell her what you are comfortable with and want in your relationship. After discussing, you can go from there. She doesn't need to have everything figured out about her identity, but she can keep doing things that make her happy. I hope that that helped a bit! It's OK to be unsure about things but the best way to figure out relationship stuff is usually to communicate and have a good conversation about things.
  13. This is something positive I came across recently. I'm not sure if it has been shared here before, but here is what they say about aros: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/living-single/201710/s-so-aromantic In particular, I find it cool that they explain that not all aros are also ace and vice versa. There are probably a few things missing, but in general I found it helpful that this page even exists on such a widely-used website. It's encouraging when I think about mental health professionals potentially seeing and acknowledging things like this. Any thoughts? Edit: Looks like this post HAS been brought up before! But I cannot figure out how to delete this post. So, I guess if you haven't seen the article, feel free to share your thoughts!
  14. running.tally

    hello! :')

    Hi Remy! Welcome. In my experience, many of the aros on here love being asked questions and helping people out when they can so I hope some of our discussions and resources can help you out!
  15. running.tally

    New person here :-)

    Welcome! I hope you can find some clarity here; we're all happy to help figure things out.