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iris

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About iris

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    Newbie

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  • Gender
    female/non-binary
  • Pronouns
    she
  • Romanticism
    Aroflux

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  1. I agree with the others about being honest with yourselves and each other about how you each feel and how your needs are or aren't being met. My situation is different from yours, but perhaps it would be of interest to you. I recently started identifying as aroflux. My spouse is alloromantic. Our issues tend to center more around physical affection and verbal romantic declarations. I know I fall short of meeting his romantic needs in general, and at times rather spectacularly (when I'm not feeling romantic at all, when it feels too much in quantity, or when it's just too romantic even on my most romantic day). I know it hurts him and he feels rejected. It has been painful for both of us. I didn't know what I should do about it or what it meant. But learning about aromanticism, I started to wonder if it's just what is normal for me . . . and maybe it's fine? Maybe it's fine as long as we both find the relationship worth its challenges . . . Figuring all this out isn't easy. It's a work in progress.
  2. I think it may have happened to me before. One of the times I'm thinking of was a movie with a friend, when I was in high school. I don't think I would've minded either way (a date or not) with him, but I'm not sure what it was. The other person was a coworker who asked me to lunch and coffee under the guise of offering to be my mentor. But eventually I started noticing creepy vibes and figured out that wasn't what he actually had in mind.
  3. These make a lot of sense to me. That you need to consider what you might be to figure out what you are or are not. That it helps to narrow down what is romantic by sorting out what isn't. That seems like a good strategy for me to try because I realize I have trouble distinguishing attractions. Defining terms has been a challenge for me (e.g. romantic). How does it apply to me or not, and what does it mean in the first place? Marriage is a term I've thought about in the past several months, before I came upon the aromantic topic. What does it mean/what's its purpose for me? And not having a good answer, I tried to look at how other people answer those questions for themselves, to see if I can find what fits for me. It's like I took a lot of things for granted when I was younger, didn't think about them critically, and then one day realized I'm not sure. It seemed like I had answers at the time, but not anything I could articulate now, so who knows. And I feel silly of course, asking these questions so far in, but I see how much I didn't know when I was young. It makes me more aware of how much I must still not know! Trying to figure out answers is important for figuring out how to go forward, I think. Thank you for these descriptions. It has been difficult to find descriptions or helpful definitions. Yes, this is exactly how I feel these days. Sometimes there's a romantic feeling but not especially powerful.
  4. @Apathetic Echidna and @cute kitty Meow Mewo! - Thank you for sharing your experiences. That helps. You each brought up a term I hadn't seen yet that are helpful to me - flux and lith. I think flux is a good way to describe me, and I can kind of relate to lith. Reciprocation has in the past ended my attraction to certain people. I can think of one very strong example from when I was younger. With my spouse, it is different, but him being very affectionate and/or romantic can sometimes shut down my romantic inclination towards him for the short term, when I might've been open to it otherwise. @Apathetic Echidna, that's a good question you ask about having time together that's not romantic. I like your tennis suggestion! Hmm, I guess not consistently? Sometimes we have that, for example shopping. It's something for me to think about, for sure, because it'd be nice to have a reliable time when I don't stress. You're absolutely right that pretending does make me feel dead inside, and I agree that 'fake it until you make it' doesn't work, from experience. I think that's good advice to tell him when I don't feel romantic. Difficult but necessary.
  5. I wonder if I'm gray-romantic, based on one of the definitions from AVENwiki: Experience romantic attraction but not very often. For those to whom that applies, when you do feel romantic attraction, is it consistent based on person? I'm wondering if this definition would include a case where you sometimes are and sometimes aren't romantically attracted to a particular person. Sometimes I'm interested in my relationship and sometimes not. My spouse is much more romantic than I am, and I feel suffocated sometimes. Sometimes I feel the urge to play the role to make him happy. The sexual side of the relationship works for me; we work well together in taking care of life's responsibilities; but I find him needy and overly affectionate. I know sometimes he feels let down because I can't meet his romantic needs. However, sometimes I do feel affectionate and romantic. It's so confusing. I didn't notice feeling this way before, but on the other hand, I feel like I've been pretending for a long time. Did I not notice this because I blamed my lack of engagement on being depressed (particularly its symptom of not enjoying things you normally would)? I had been so depressed through almost my entire dating/marriage history that it's hard to sort out cause and effect and "what I'm normally like." I didn't date a lot before we married, and we've been together 14 years. But trying to look back, I wanted relationships but would usually panic once I was in them. I always thought it was because it wasn't a good match, but maybe I was primarily driven to relationships by sexual attraction (and loneliness)? In college I would flirt on instant messenger, but it didn't really occur to me that the guys I was flirting with could be interested in dating me. I figured they weren't and enjoyed it anyway. I'm not very educated on this yet, so I apologize if I've grossly misinterpretted that definition by thinking it might apply to me. I truly mean no offense.
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