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Lex Barringer

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About Lex Barringer

  • Rank
    Newbie

Personal Information

  • Name
    Lex Barringer
  • Gender
    male
  • Pronouns
    he / him
  • Location
    Twin Cities, Minnesota, USA
  • Romanticism
    aro
  • Sexuality
    hetero-demisexual (or demi-heterosexual)

Recent Profile Visitors

31 profile views
  1. Aromanticism and depression

    I've had chronic depression spanning many decades, I had it since I was eight, it never really went away until I really didn't "give a f***" about other peoples' feelings. Despite my training in psychology and psychiatry, it's a different animal when you're dealing with it on a personal basis and peoples' own comfirmation bias is unknown or if they do know about it, they're avoiding examination therein. What that all means is, that I grew tired of, "having to explain myself to others". I no longer do it, my chronic depression disappeared amount instantaneously. The causal link to my depression was that I was never good enough because, I'm not like them, as they call themselves normal. Although, I would correct them and state there is no such thing as normal, only society defines what they consider normal but it doesn't make it right, nor sane. I've always been considered an outcast by society, people making all kinds of crap up about me without an actual thing I did wrong other than not being like them. They believe that what I am is a choice and not an actual orientation. I figured, that vast majoirty of the public are too stupid to figure out the truth of what I am, let alone just let me be, to work on their own problems instead of inventing new ones or starting fights with others. With that being said, you can't argue with idiots, they'll beat you with experience; meaning it's not about what's right, it's what's popular, that wins the argument. Besides, I spent an inordinate amount of time in my youth up until thirty eight years old and tried to fit in; it was all in vain, of course. When someone tears me down, I proceed to use my skills to annihilate my aggressors. Psychoanalyzing their behavior when they don't want it, is the best revenge. The problem these days, people tell you to avoid conflict, that doesn't work anymore. The people in an older generation, that makes sense for those people of their age group but not when you run into people that have malignant narcissism. They keep bugging the crap out of you until you deal with them accordingly. The "grey rock" priniciple works good for individuals that are in between sub-clinical to a clinical case of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD, for short). However, once they are of clinical NPD, they're different beast to deal with. Everyone has narcissism, most of the time, it's healthy or beneficial narcissism. The one thing that I've noticed is that people with a clinical case of NPD tend to have multiple cellphones, tablets and anything they can get that allows them to take photos of themselves, their objects of their desires and mass use of social media. Before this time, NPD was fairly rare in the entire population and when someone was diagnosed, it was even more rare for the cases to be really bad, granted, that did happen. Now, I'm seeing a sharp rise in Cluster B personality types and associated disorders. NPD is a part of the Cluster B diagnosis. The one thing they have in common, they only care about themselves. If you try to pry their masks off that they so carefully put in place to prove to the world they're not ill / sick. You're in for a real fight. However, people that are narcissists hate and I do mean hate people that are different from them, especially if you don't agree with their line of thinking. This is where being aromantic is a blessing and a curse, I can see the narcissist spooling up to screw with me, my emotions don't cloud my thinking, I can see they're trying to use romance and other tactics to bring me under their control. The curse is, that these Cluster Bs know I'm very different than them, it angers and fightens them at the same time. It's like peoples' fear response but on steroids. The so-called normal people aren't normal at all, if they mess with you, they're not emotionally sound, let alone mature enough to understand, that it's not a good idea to do that. You keep doing you, screw what everyone else thinks of you, be a loud and proud aromantic, that's just what you are. Just remember this; nothing real can be challenged. The majority of the masses don't actually believe in what they're saying, they're just parroting a bunch of bullsh*t. Being aromantic doesn't mean you can't find that special someone, it just won't be romantic but in a platonic (friendship) sense. I get the equivalent of a romantic crush in a platonic way, known as a squish. Romantics fall deep in limerance and aromantics fall deep in friendship. Us aromantics are perfectly capable of giving love to others and to receive it, just incompatible with the romance aspect which isn't actually love, anyhow. By the way, the Diagnostic Statistical Manual revision 5 is pretty much a joke, stick with the DSM IV. The 5th revision was designed to help the pharmaceudical industry get their foot in the door further to make more money on phantom disorders and syndromes. The new conditions were created to assist in profit engineering, nothing more. The ICD 10 is quite a bit more accurate and from what I've seen up to this point, ICD 11 will reflect greater accuracy than DSM V is now. Besides the DSM and ICD series of diagnostic manuals are only as good as the practitioner. It's to be used as a reference point but not the end all. There is so much that psychologists, psychiatrists, medical doctors (plain MDs not psychiatrists, like NUPs which are MDs, too) and sociologists have yet to learn about the mind, biochemistry and biophysics. Many act as if they know how to cure everything with a prescription, sorry to say this but that's just managing symptoms, not fixing an actual problem. The social sciences are based on observation. Who's to say that when the observer comes to a conclusion, will be the correct one. I'll be the first to admit this, we're still operating in the dark on a great many subjects but act like we all know what we're talking about when it comes to psychology, psychaitry and medicine. Sure they're has been some remarkable discoveries along the way but it's a travesty to apply the same rules to people who don't comform to pseudo-normalcy (social norms), in need of a clinical diagnosis. Perhaps we've gone too far, I saw videos of what was happening to people in the LGBT community in the 1970s, treating their orientations as psychiatric diseases. Torturing these poor souls; shock therapy, etc. It speaks volumes about my former trade, instead of learning about new stuff, they apply the same old rules to everyone. Of course they'll appear to be sick, if you do that. However, the true psychiatric illness is applying the same old rules to entirely different circumstances, expecting the same result, to make someone sane by doing inhumane things to them. Doing the same thing, over and over again, getting a different result than what's expected, is the very defintion of insanity.
  2. My point exactly and couldn't have said it any better.
  3. I've noticed you stated your hetero greysexual. I was curious if it's more like hetero-demisexuality? Whereas you only have sexual attraction when you're great friends with a man and you have great chemistry. You obtain a squish, like a romance crush but only on a friendship level.

     

    Having sexual attraction is just the mental / emotional side of the orientation but sexual arousal is the physical sensation and the reception of such, not necessarily will you act on the physical / biological urge. 

     

    Or do you have specific tweaks to the grey / demisexuality where you're a sapio, a person turned on by someone's intelligence and the way they present themselves in an intellectual manner with others, including yourself?

     

    I mean, there is so many areas to look into and research, let alone articulate about ones own self and how you view people. 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Lex Barringer

      Lex Barringer

      Here's something interesting, many people don't really hit on, where as it's aesthetics, it's a mental and emotional process. I have an ultra-wide hetero aesthetic attraction (another orientation). Whereas I'm

      highly attracted to women and love to talk to them, when in reality they think I'm hitting on them for some action and romance.

       

      It took me a long time to realize this is what was going on with me. I enjoy the eye candy so to speak and being really friendly (some people think it's flirting but it's not). I thought I was having many crushes going on simultaneously but I figured out that wasn't it. It was the thought of being with them that is what appealed to me, not necessarily falling in love and having sex. I'm a very visual and tactile type of person. 

       

      It's a possibility that what you think is romance really isn't, it could be aesthetic attraction. It wasn't until I separated the difference between physical attraction and how I was interacting with people did I realize I wasn't allosexual. I figured out I was demisexual, then it dawned on me. I love being with women but I don't have any  attraction to them  in regards to romance, I then figured out I was aro after that.

       

      Finding a good understanding partner for any type of relationship is hard enough to find but to accept you when the dust settles and everything has been laid out on the table is true love.

       

      Now, I'm not finding fault here, that's not my intention. Just trying to figure out if you can further articulate who and what you are, I believe if you do so, you can then find a partner that is the same way you are. Being in a stable relationship, however you define it, is good for the both of you.

       

      Another thing to look into psychological attachments, as I've said to other members. It's not a bad thing if they go one way or another, it's just what you are and how you understand relationships in general. If you know your attachments, you can work on normalizing them if they're way out of whack. Once those

      are handled, if this is the problem, things happen naturally. 

       

      Often times people that supposedly fall in love with someone are falling in love with the idea of someone, the idealized state that

      doesn't exist in reality. When you notice the discrepancy in the

      real world, people tend to lose interest in a hurry. It's like the idea of

      people hanging on a celebrity's every word, you think you love them, then they let you into their inner circle and realize what you thought you knew was just an illusion, you want out now. 

    3. Untamed Heart

      Untamed Heart

      That's really insightful, thanks! The whole aesthetic attraction was definitely what was happening with me when I realised I liked my ex. I didn't realise that's all it really was until I came here. I can relate to liking the idea of being with someone more than the reality, as well.

      I feel, at least right now, I'm kind of too independent to want to deliberately seek anyone out. Even when I was a child, I didn't really make huge efforts to develop friendships with most of the other kids in school. I guess I'd be anxious avoidant, or around that ballpark.

    4. Lex Barringer

      Lex Barringer

      That's exactly what aesthetic attraction does, you're really into their being or rather the unrealistic image you have in your mind that they are, when you see they don't match you give up.

       

      Actually, this whole thing about aesthetic attraction isn't being shallow or fake, it's just not realizing and learning that the image you build someone up to be doesn't match reality. Lots of people who get into relationships who have this trouble don't realize the aesthetic attraction orientation isn't articulated yet and understand what makes you tick, what turns your crank, gets you excited and why it does that. 

       

      It works like this, your physically attracted to them but not necessarily their personality. When things settle down in the relationship and everything gets real, the real personality emerges, many people bolt when they run into this. Some people get anxious, scared or offended when people don't measure up to the great expectations. 

       

      Hey, I had to temper mine some twenty years ago. Sure, I have a yearning to be with women, just because I'm aro doesn't mean I don't want to be alone.

  4. Leading people on

    It might be different next time if you "date" or befriend another aro, also if they line up with your sexual orientation exactly. That's the best possible outcome you could wish for other than a compatible personality and someone you find attractive. How you define the attractive qualities is purely up to you, Untamed.
  5. Do you sometimes pretend to be allo?

    At first I'm quiet. Then I attempt to steer the conversation into a more neutral direction in subtle ways, little by little. Here's the thing, there are people that think that you need a partner to figure out if you want kids or not. There are the kind of people that understand the probably logistics of not wanting kids; too expensive, too noisy, too tiring, etc. If that question comes up, just tell them truth, what you are. That no amount of shaming or attemping to subvert you into believing you're wrong will work. Some people are just looking to get into a fight, like that idiot that has one hell of a confirmation bias that need some serious adjustment. Just tell them, you were born this way and that you're not broken and fine with who you are and your choices. If they try to side / evil eye you or act like a-holes, laugh at them. The sheer amount of idiocy I've encountered with people that don't know me is astounding, even when these people supposedly had sensitivity training, all of that goes out the window when you're talking to them in a small group outside of work.
  6. Well, this is very interesting. I believe what he meant to say, what that he's not, "in love with you" but he loves you (as a friend). Being in love, is romantic. It's also known as limerance. Do Google that word and read about it. Love, itself, is acceptance. In which friendship, is acceptance, therefore friendship is love. Perhaps, your boyfriend needs to do more searching, do further self-articulation, then lay it out on the table for you to examine and learn about. I've tried and failed miserably to be in good platonic relationships with alloromantic women; they're romantic will is too strong and starts to drive them slowly insane when I rebuffed their advances. Even though I told them what I was upfront, they just don't care, even if they read the information and understand it. In some people, romantic attraction is a monster they can't control, let alone reason with it. What I would like you to do, is have him join this forum if he hasn't already and have him speak up from his perception of the situation. I'm glad you joined this forum and are asking for help and to gain insight as to what's going on with him.
  7. Leading people on

    Some questions to ask yourself. 1. Are you physically (aesthetically) attracted to them? It's a separate orientation besides romantic and sexual. 2. Are you afraid to hurt their feelings? 3. Are you afraid to deal with the uncomfortable awkwardness of turning them down? 4. Are you afraid of telling them that you're aromantic and don't have romantic feelings? 5. Are you confusing their actions with romanticism vs. sexual in nature? 6. Are you confusing having a close platonic relationship with someone with being romantic? Some aromantics like a lot of friends or acquaintances but never really get serious with one friend, that has that deep platonic connection. That deep platonic connection is called a squish, it's like a romantic crush but it applies to friendship only. I'm an aromantic that likes to have a lot of friends but also enjoy spending quality time with good friends. I've always been upfront as to who and what I am. I identify as the following: 1. Aromantic man 2. Hetero-demisexual 3. Ultra wide hetero-aesthetic attraction; this means I don't have a type when it comes to women, in terms of what I consider beautiful. What throws women off about me is that I'm physically attracted to them and they automatically (erroneously) believe I'm into them sexually, want to have a romantic encounter and/or relationship with them. By default, they believe that if I'm talking with them, I'm flirting with them, which is dead wrong. Most of the problems these women have trouble with is failure to recognize their own confirmation bias and fix it, they'd rather take a hit to their ego rather than learn from the experience in a positive way. The more you can articulate what you are as a person, the better you can explain to other people who you are and what to expect from you. There's nothing wrong with telling them what is, it saves you and them unnecessary pain in the long run and that's what it looks like you're trying to do in the first place. Aromanticism is an orientation but how you deal with situations in regards to your orientation hasn't anything to do with it. That is where psychology comes in. I've identified three unique attitudes towards romantic advances by other people onto the aromantic person. 1. Romantic repulsion (physically get ill, sick to your stomach; vomit). 2. Romantic adversion (feel really uneasy about what people are doing to you in a romantic way, you want out fast). 3. Romantic indifference (you feel absolutely nothing but you don't return the other person's advances). These conditions actually have something to do with psychological attachments but I won't get into it here, as it's not needed. You seem to have #1 and I'm not fault finding, that's just what you are. I happen to be #2, RA. Perhaps these questions and this explanation will help you and others in your situation.
  8. Leading people on

    A whole new bag of cats... That's great! Haven't heard of that one yet.
  9. It's up to the people starting up a relationship together, how they're going to navigate these waters. A person on the outside of this dynamic shouldn't be the interfering or advising, that will just look like romantic jealousy and rivalry to the romantic person. It's just best to stay out of it. I know my answer is a bit harsh but I'm also looking at it from past experiences and psychology, too.
  10. Real friends with benefits are a rarity

    Friends with benefits was coined by an alloromantic allosexual person and applied in a liberal sense but yes, you're absolutely correct. Ice.
  11. Most aromantic movie?

    Perhaps we shouldn't be romanticizing aromanticism because that would further blur the lines and understanding of what it really is. The idea is to explain what aromanticism is to non-aro people but dramatizing it isn't the correct way, besides, I don't want be marginalized in this manner, as I assume other aros don't either. Looking at movies looking for things that you believe they are but aren't reality or at least not in the eyes of the writers and producers is a wrong-headed approach. The equivalent thought process in a different area is as follows; applying the Betchdel test to movies that were created way before it was invented. Of course, the movies won't pass the Betchdel test that came before it, it wasn't even thought of and wasn't the vision of the writers, executive producer(s) and director. Instead of trying to figure out what's more aromantic in terms of movies, perhaps we should start doing screenwriting and writing stageplays that show our own unique pespective. By doing this, we don't marginalize ourselves or other people and the truth by acting it out from our hearts gives a better understanding of how life, events and activities are for all of us that identify as aro.
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